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Item: Joke Dentalschool, much beloved King of Barbelith, replaced by “Mike Robot”. An evil Republican android?
Item: Last year, Flux reportedly sacrificed his Flux essence to save the Barbelith code matrix from the Trojan Radiator and returned as humble aesthete Matthew Fluxington. The idea that the Barbelith code matrix, fruit of leading British computer science that it is, could be endangered by a bunch of ragtag formerly Commie warez d00dz is laughable, obviously a ploy by some kind of… of… underground Reich or something. You don’t have to come from a long line of mooncalves and poltroons, as I do, to know that one of the great Fascist spies of WWII was the famously effeminate Detlev Fluxington of Hamburg. Note Matthew’s subsequent career as a “life coach”; it is well-known that all self-help rhetoric is impregnated with Fascist ideology. Still, Fluxington is wily and I don’t blame you all for being taken in. Could this “Matthew Fluxington” be Detlev’s issue, or even Detlev himself? Does Flux = KIA?
Item: Earlier this year, Barbelith’s interface was completely redesigned without the approval of the Barbelith Cultural Review Committee. My sources tell me that Anna de Logardare was not even consulted! What Videodrome signal is being transmitted through these pastel bars?
Item: I roomed with Rob Frost during my freshman year at Cairo in 1976. He was a deeply sensitive and artistic young man whose life was cut tragically short when he contracted East Nile Virus. He hadn’t the least interest in the occult. He was studying civil engineering. A well-designed public park was as much of a mindfuck as he required. Who is this other Rob Frost and what does he want?
Item: The last anyone knew Haus’s coordinates, he was looking for some kind of Andean panda or something for a betrothal gift to his fiancé, gridley. This morning I received this telegram:
QALYN OLD SOCK STOP DREADFUL DUSTUP WITH JOHN COMPANY STOP HAVE UNCOVERED GRAVE DANGER TO BARBELITH STOP PLEASE LOCATE TOP HOLE ASSASSIN STOP DICKIE BURTON NOT LOOKING SO GOOD RECOMMEND MATT DAMON STOP RETURNING TO THE SMOKE POST HASTE STIFF UPPER LIP WOT HAUS FULL STOP
There’s no telling whether this telegram is really from haus, or from some agent provocateur.
Item: I have just returned from a Buddhist retreat in the Poconos and could not possibly have started this thread. “Inner City”!?! I live in Martha’s Vineyard!
Item: fridgemagnet, another fruit of British computer science, suddenly obsessed with “lemons”. In fact, he seems to have infected a number of prominent Barbelaires with this unnatural lust. What is “lemon” code for?
Fortunately, I have Matt Damon right here. We were just negotiating for him to play me in an upcoming biopic when I decided to log on for a bit and discovered all this Manchurian Candidate hooha. Hey, Matt, come over here and say hi to Barbelith. I’ll put your stuff in italics so they’ll know you aren’t me.
Hey Barbelith! I’ve been lurking here for years, but never have the courage to post. You guys are so smart and cool! For the record I am all ninja. Ben is a pirate, the big sap. Keep away from me with those arsecandles! Hey, this is crazy, Qalyn, I should be paying you!
Ha ha ha! You’re not the first to say that to me, Matt! But at this rate you’ll probably be the last. See if you can get Jude to wake up. I want to check out that new chicken and waffles place in the Village and I don’t know what he did with the keys to the Camaro. |
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