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Just some poem I wrote..

 
 
The Prince of All Lies
23:56 / 11.09.04
Something I wrote the other day, kinda reminds me of D.H. Lawrence (if you disregard the huge difference in talent)

The Wait

The subtle touch of your lips,
draped around mine in an endless waltz,
how I long for it before dawn
when Selene's light washes over me,
her silken radiance a reminder of my loss.

What I wouldn't give
just to feel your body once more
trembling between my arms,
your hazel hair flowing,
falling towards me in the gentlest shower.

Never again shall I hold you,
and whisper my sins in your ear,
confessions that only you could steal,
that mesmerizing gaze that held me in thrall,
until I surrendered unto you.

A farewell I never said,
tears I never shed,
not even one last glance,
one last kiss,
haunting me,
hounding me 'till dawn,
a thousand nights and more.

And still I wait.
 
 
Ender
06:28 / 12.09.04
The line about the endless waltz is classic! do some reworking, and you will have a working poem.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
16:20 / 02.10.04
"Draped lips" is a pretty weird image, though. I like "hazel hair", and the bit about whispering your sins is arresting and original.

My main problem is with the style: it's not very consistent. You seem to be switching voices midsteam sometimes. For example, I don't think you need all the archaisms: "unto", "Selene" for the moon etc. - they just get in the way.
 
  
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