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Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
18:41 / 24.02.02
So i'm 20 in a couple of months and i'm more lonely than ever.
I've never told anyone this but i'm also still a virgin, i really need someone in my life right now, but as i've been in a few relationships that have totally fucked up, i've lost all confidence in my self, the fact that also i am now seriously under weight (only 8 stone 9), i look like the match stick man.
I see all my friends with other people, whom they love and are loved in return, or if they're not in a relationship, then they are pulling almost every weekend.
The one person i really want to be with, i never see as she lives miles away, and is blatently not intrested.
I don't want to get laid, i want to be loved and to love.
Sorry to unload like this but your the only people i can tell this too, please understand.
 
 
Ariadne
19:07 / 24.02.02
Ah shit. *hug*

There's nothing I can say beyond the obvious "It will get better, I promise".

Loneliness is horrible, and I sympathise. But just keep looking after yourself as best you can, try to meet as many people as possible, get out of the house when you can, and things will improve. They do, honest.

In the meantime, virtual hugs are all I can offer.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
19:18 / 24.02.02
first off, yes things get better
second, some advice
DONT decide that being a lonely virgin is so bad that sleeping with your buddys ex is a good idea when she offers--BAAAAD
but really, things are good, so have a blast, drink some, meet someone who you may not spend your life with, but at least a fun part of it
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
19:19 / 24.02.02
Well, I can tell you this: you are certainly not alone. A lot of that describes my life over the past two years rather well, and I'm making it through alive. I don't know if things get 'better' as Ariadne says, but there's reason to be optimistic, and there's reasons out there to feel worse, for sure.
 
 
m. anthony bro
19:22 / 24.02.02
man, sucks for you.

a couple of thoughts, though: when you "need" a relationship is the moment when you eed it the least. What you need in reality is to take a step back, look at the guy in the situation and ask yourself "what advice would I give him?".
Probably, number one is to like yourself. Think over all the cool things you can do, did and will do, and realise that you did them because they're outlets of a wonderful, creative and clever person. Think about how far you've gotten yourself through a life-long minefield, and how resourceful and strong that makes you. Think of reasons you should keep on going just for yourself.
Think of th girl you like, and think about her response to you, and think about the opportunity this presents you with: the opportunity to get on your house , yell "hi-ho silver" and ride off where so ever you choose. Think of being able to choose where you go, and what you do, and being able to take complete control, and realise that that's an incredible thing.
Like Ariadne says, lonliness is horible, but realise that, in coming here, you already proved you aren't alone.
Go out and have some fun. Do stuff just because you like it. Treat yourself, get pissed, get high, go dance your a$$ off, play air hockey, whatever makes you happy. Do stuff that reflects yourself, and the incredible happiness you can have and eserve to have just by the fact that you're alive.
The more you do this, the more you will know it's true. The more you know it's true, the better it'll feel.
keep on monster truckin' without ceasing, bro. Have fun.
 
 
Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
19:22 / 24.02.02
Receives *hug*
Thank you Ariadne, and all. I know there's nothing anyone can say to make it all go away, i suppose i was just looking for a shoulder to cry on, and to know that at least one person out there understood.

What i'm saying sounds so contrived to me, but i can't help it, as it's how i feel.
I know i have friends, but somehow they're not enough.
I just don't want to go through life alone anymore, i understand that 20 isn't old, but surely by now i should have found someone?

[ 24-02-2002: Message edited by: The long dark loneliness ]
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
19:28 / 24.02.02
quote:Originally posted by The long dark loneliness:
, i understand that 20 isn't old, but surely by now i should have found someone?


[outkast]You mean, like forever? Forever-ever? Forever-ever?[/outkast]

I think that it might be best to not look for 'Someone' as much as 'someone'. I wouldn't be expecting to find soulmates at such a young age, man.

I know a lot of my own problems with exactly the same thing yr talking about is from having a combination of high standards, and insecurities which cancel out nearly everyone I meet because I assume so many peolple wouldn't be interested in me, so in the end, it seems like I like no one at all, when I've really narrowed the playing field down to a ridiculous degree. Don't do that. It doesn't work out well.
 
 
Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes
19:33 / 24.02.02
Try not to worry about this so much. I was 26 before I found someone to love and be loved by. It can happen in the strangest place at the strangest time. The thing I have found is that the more desperate you appear, the less likely you will be to find someone.

My advice is to spend time doing what you enjoy or trying out new things. Expanding your social circle is the best way to meet someone. Things like acting groups, sports or martial arts classes, photography, painting, NLP classes, whatever your into. There is nothing wrong with being alone, use the time to explore yourself. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more attractive you will appear.
To be self-reliant is a very good quality.

There is a big social conditioning influence for people to pair off, and studies shows that couples are more healthy than singles, but you have a lot of time ahead of you to get together with someone who is right for you.

Ask yourself why you feel this way.
 
 
Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
19:35 / 24.02.02
I guess it's not so much SOMEONE, but more anyone who is intrested.
I've had a lot of good times and have shared them with friends, but i can't remember sharing any of those times with anyone in "that" way.
I really can't explain what "that" way is yet, all i know is that "that" will be different, "thats" mainly what i need.
 
 
Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
19:38 / 24.02.02
quote:Originally posted by panarchy:

Ask yourself why you feel this way.

I feel i need to know how "that" feels.
 
 
Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes
19:58 / 24.02.02
Hope this doesn’t sound too insensitive but I “need” to know how it feels to have a million pounds, but this will either take luck, patience, hard work or a combination of the three. Some sort of effort is needed, a positive outlook. You don’t need “that” feeling, you only think you do. Think in terms of want, what can you do to get what you want or need?
 
 
Mourne Kransky
20:07 / 24.02.02
Watch out for investing too much in the concept of the great relationship ending your feelings of loneliness, TLDL. They're not easy to come by and a bad relationship can bring you down in other ways. Friendships on the other hand are a lot easier to find and sustain and from those other connections come, in time.

What you need, as others have said above, is to value yourself a bit more. Once you feel more positive about yourself, all the friends /lovers stuff begins to be a bit easier /become more likely.

Pursue the things that interest you, not for ulterior motives but because they give you pleasure. Engage with Barbelith more and find a confident voice, arguing for what you believe in and helping to form your views of the world.

But don't fall into the trap of thinking it's just that everybody else knows secrets you don't. There are other people out there right now thinking, "That's just like me." Life is harder than they tell us on the tv and in the glossy "Yoof" magazines.

There are people out there who like skinny guys and there are people out there who don't give a shit what you look like, it's the whole package they're into. The best sex and the best relationships I've had always happened in those relationships where we just couldn't stop talking about any old thing.

Remind yourself every day that it really is OK to be different from other people, dull bloody world if everyone conformed. And also remember that everybody goes through those "long dark teatime of the soul" spells, sometimes with depressing regularity. It's part of the human condition. But they are spells, they pass.

And you could take one step towards being more positive about all this stuff by changing your Publicly Displayed Name to something that's not reinforcing the negative vibes you're struggling with. DIY Cognitive Behaviour Therapy!

Look at my bloody silly name, which successfully disguises my real life identity as a grumpy fat git with greying temples.

Good luck. We're all just pretending to be handling life's vicissitudes here, you know. Ganesh is really Martine McCutcheon but don't tell anyone...
 
 
w1rebaby
20:24 / 24.02.02
you sound like you're miserable about more than just romance. Take a look at a few things that are easier to change first in your life, maybe they can help you feel better about things. They will be easier to sort out than loneliness, which is never helped by being depressed.

I do understand what you mean, though, very much so. It's just that there never seems to be an easy solution to being alone.
 
 
The Strobe
09:28 / 25.02.02
Hold your horses.

I know where you're coming from; I'm in a hugely similar boat at times, but I'm beginning to find a way out of it.

Plurality is a wonderful goal, and a wonderful thing, but it is NOT that end of the world. I'm not advocating celibacy, because I know those moments when you'd give anything just to share yourself, to let someone else share themselves with you.

Some days I crave that; but then I realise that actually, I've got enough on my plate, and it's not like the rest of the life's that bad anyhow. And besides, I can't define what/who/why I want yet. And so I realise that I'm desiring because we're TOLD, everywhere we go, by everyone we meet, by our plural friends, that plurality is the best thing. You should want it to. But there's joy to be had in singularity. And forget about random-weekend-pulls, they're a seperate thing entirely, and far less good than simple singularity.

Confidence is a different thing. Confidence is important for far more than relationships, and you sound quite low on this front, and that's just not good. Start with physical solutions: try and eat more. Don't pile it on, don't make yourself ill, but get into a routine of eating, say, three good meals rather than just eating when you're hungry, which is an easy way to get underweight.

Console yourself in what you have. You have friends, good; I presume you're comfortable with them, and trust them? I know they're not an SO, but they're actually in many ways more important. They'll always be there.

As mentioned, don't set your hopes and aims too high; disappointment's possibly worse than rejection. There's loads of good advice here. Try and forget about it, I know it sounds impossible, but once upon a time I just gave up the concept of finding anyone who'd like me... and whum, along came someone. That's something I often say to myself: "remember last time". Because that worked.

<b>Take care of yourself</b>. You matter above all else. Look after your health, try and eat more... also, try taking multivitamins or stuff like Floradix; feelings like this can often be helped by sorting out chemical and mineral imbalances. If you're underweight, you could have these, and they aren't going to help you. Make sure you sleep properly. And try and find something satisfying in each day; confidence is so hard to regain if lost, and it doesn't ened to be regained through overcompensating and trying to be upfront. Just remember that you're YOU for a reason. And that reason has good in it.

But yeah. Just simplify things, look at things fresh, and ground-up, and go slow. If you're feeling low like this, in any way, a relationship isn't going to magic it all away; it'll just appear in a different way. And don't worry. It's not stupid to be worked up like this, nor is it foolish. All the best; I hope something in my ramblings is of some use. If not, I'll edit it out tomorrow. But look after yourself. All the best.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:28 / 25.02.02
My two ha'porth:

Take respect as your starting point. Respect for others but more importantly respect for yourself. Learn to see the elements of your personality that are loveable. Look at what you are offering a potential partener, not in terms of what society deems important in a parterner, but the things that make you unique.

Understand that if you go out into the world with the express intent of finding a partener, you may actually end up intimidating people. No-one likes to feel that you're only interested in them as a prospective girlfreind/boyfreind. Everyone likes to feel that they are interesting as people, not just as parteners. So start by broadening your social circle; or, if you already have a wide variety of aquaintances, by deepening the freindships you do have. Be open to communicating with people in general- try striking up conversations while you're out shopping or whatever.

You sound very unhappy and short on self-confidence. Maybe you could look into the possibility of a course of counselling to find out what might be at the root of your relationship troubles.

The weight loss sounds worrying. Have you consulted your doctor about this? Maybe a nutritionist could help you out here.

And finally: Don't look to a relationship to solve all your problems. Yes, having a loving partener is a wonderful thing, but even the best relationships bring with them their own stresses. Love doesn't get you off the hook. Love is the hook.

Anyhow, I hope things get better for you soon. Peace out.

PS:- ZoCher is right about the suit. Change back to Buttered Scones, eh?
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
09:28 / 25.02.02
And possibly, just possibly...

If it is a 'she' :
Find her, then, rape her!

Not gonna pull in the Honeyz.

Just a suggestion.
 
 
bio k9
09:28 / 25.02.02
Haus, would you like to take over Uncanny? Yours for tha taking...

Lonely Darkness, some bits of advice. When you start to feel better about yourself all things will become much easier. If you aren't getting out much, choose a day, once a week, to go somewhere and do something that you enjoy or have wanted to do but not yet done. Try to be productive with your time, create projects for yourself, it will help pass the time and make you feel like you are accomplishing something. Watch out for loving someone/ starting a relationship just because you want someone, anyone, to be with. Thats not fair to either of you and will just end bad for everyone.
 
 
Trijhaos
09:28 / 25.02.02
Get a puppy, it'll give you all the love you need at the moment.

What you don't need right now is a relationship with another person. If you get into one in the condition you're in now, you'll latch onto the person that has shown interest in you and you'll have a hard time letting go.

You need to define who you are without a relationship before you should search for one. You need to define "I" before there can be an "us" with another person.

As everybody else says, pursue other interests, gain some weight, gain self-confidence. Self-confidence is key to a healthy relationship with other people, not just a significant other.

I'm in the same boat, almost 20 blah blah. I'm not going to worry about a relationship right now because I haven't defined who "I" am and don't want my personality to get lost in "us". Sure, I'm lonely but there's no reason to get all bent out of shape over being lonely, there's thousands of lonely people out there. All of them probably sitting in their darkened rooms muttering over and over "I'm so lonely, so lonely".

Don't go trying to find your one true love now, and dammit get a puppy; they're so cute and lovable.

[ 25-02-2002: Message edited by: Trijhaos ]
 
 
Cherry Bomb
09:28 / 25.02.02
Hey guy...

*hug* for you.

First of all, I know how you feel. I used to feel this way myself, way back in the day. Well actually I was just sure that once I got a boyfriend everything else would sort itself, and people would finally "see" how attractive and desirable I really was. (Kind of like when I used to think if I only lost some weight, THEN everyone would see how beautiful and attractive and wonderful I really was, and then I´d get the ubiquitous boyfriend that would come with that, etc.)

But what I found out was, I was wrong. I got a boyfriend, and then I got a new boyfriend when the first one and I broke up, and what I found was, they actually made me feel MORE lonely and LESS attractive than I´d felt when I was on my own. Not to mention that the two of them both pretty much made me miserable, in many ways. Looking back, the main problem was that they just weren't right for me, but I stayed with at least one of them longer than I should have because I didn't want to be alone.

But I don't want you to think that I'm saying once you get a little wiser or whatever things will be different. Because there are no guarantees in life, and you are you and I am me.

Anyway, I will bet the piddling remainder of money in my bank account that right now there are not one but quite a few people out there who would (or all ready do) think that you are gorgeous and sexy and wonderful and absolutely want to be with you. Maybe you just have not met them yet. But what I find completely attractive turns off someone else, and there are some people whose trigger I trip and some who probably think I am completely unattractive. Different strokes for different folks, right?

Yes, some people are classically beautiful and better at picking up chicks or dudes than others, and they will likely get laid more often. So what? It doesn't mean they are better than you. It just means they have more skill in this particular area.

And that to me is actually a really wonderful thing. It´s kind of like nature's way of filtering out the people who aren't right for you and sending the people who are your way. Cool!

I guess my belief now is, and granted I've had a little more years to sort it out than you, is I am a pretty unique person, and any one I am with has to be pretty darn special themselves, or else it ain't worth it. YOU are worth somebody special, somebody who drives you crazy, somebody who makes your knees melt, somebody who blows your fucking mind in the sack, somebody who you can talk to all night long about bullocks. Etc.

Virtually everyone I know who has said, "I can´t get a girl/boyfriend, nobody would like me," etc. is now either married or in a serious relationship with someone who is perfect for them. Not everyone but many people I know. And hey, my older brother is getting married this summer to a woman who is wonderful and perfect for him. And if HE can find someone who will not only put up with him but actually wants to spend the rest of their life with him - the poor guy was notoriously unlucky in love until Kim came along - there is hope for everybody out there.

(He'd kill me for saying this, but I know my lil bro and I agree at least!)

Anyway I am not saying marriage is the ideal end result here but what I am saying is there are literally thousands of folks right now who would be perfect for you, and I would say odds are pretty good you will meet at least one of them in your life. They are out there, I know it.

This is the romantic in me. But this is also why I never say anything like "All men are assholes/The good ones are either married or gay/I wish my cat could be a man (yes I do actually know somebody who has said that)" because it so defeatist, and a self-fulfilling prophecy to boot.

At this stage of the game, I personally would rather be alone than be with someone just to be with someone, but that´s me.

If I were you, I would just ask a girl out or chat someone up and see what happens. What do you have to lose? Besides, dating is kinda like sales, the more rejection you get the less it bothers you. Seriously. And that means confidence, which everybody finds attractive. I personally think in some ways men have an easier time of it because I know for myself personality really is my key thing. A guy I find smart and funny and I can talk to will be more attractive to me than the classically cute guy in the corner who is an arrogant asshole.

Which is not to say I don´t find the boys I do date completely adorable (otherwise I wouldn't want to be with them!). In my mind it pretty much comes down to chemistry. You either have it with someone or you don´t. That's cool.

Wow, can you tell I've spent a lot of time in my life thinking about this?

Anyway, the point is, I am sure that you are a hottie and plenty of girls would agree with me.



[ 25-02-2002: Message edited by: Cherry Bomb ]
 
 
Lazlo Woodbine [some call me Laz]
10:30 / 25.02.02
Thank you one and all, for the support and the advice, you have helped and some have made me laugh.

Now get your Butter out and spread it all over me, god knows i need it.
  
 
bitchiekittie
10:39 / 25.02.02
everythings been said, so Ill just throw in a stupid *hug* and the sentiments behind it should follow.....
 
 
pointless and uncalled for
11:23 / 25.02.02
quote:Originally posted by The long dark loneliness:
So i'm 20 in a couple of months and i'm more lonely than ever.
I've never told anyone this but i'm also still a virgin, i really need someone in my life right now, but as i've been in a few relationships that have totally fucked up, i've lost all confidence in my self,

Pretty much exactly the story of my life. Unlike you I never got underweight but I put that down to my love of food.

I've fucked up on relationships so the only advice that I feel qualified to give is be honest, communicate and don't give up easily. Once you're done with that advice please file it back in the biter experience draw, someone else will probably need it later.

Underweight? Start eating more and make it fun for yourself. I have an interest in trying everything out there. Never refuse an opportunity to try something new.

As for the self confidence thing? My cure was to go out and do stuff. I ditched all of those luck habits like always sitting on a particular seat on the bus, the lucky cigarette and everything else. I tried stuff, it turns out that I'm not the pathetic useless lump that I thought I was when I was 20. It turns out that I can do stuff.

The best way that I can see to overcome lack of confidence is to prove yourself wrong.
 
 
QUINT
12:33 / 25.02.02
You need a project. Something that makes you feel cool. Something that gets you out of the house and requires you to eat.

Football.
Salsa dancing.
Underwater archeology (you don't have to be trained in arch, you can just get a scuba qualification and help out. Amazing as it may sound, I know quite a few people who do this, and they definitely have that Jean Reno cool thing happening. I love scuba, hate mountains, love sun, hate...but anyway...)

It doesn't really matter, so long as it gives you a Thing.

(The Thing doesn't make the [wo]man. But it sure as hell gives you something to do whilst you decide what you are.)

Personally, I'd advise against golf, extreme sports (unless you're that crazy anyway), and Scrabble (unless getting 'assizes' down on 'pixel' , seven letters down and a triple word score, gets you off. Which it did me, actually, but that's another story.)

And as you will see from a thread I started at four on Sunday morning, yes, it gets better, but it's never smooth for long. If it were, we'd all be living dead anyway. It's life. It's YOUR life. Make it special.

Do i sound like an ad for Australian Holidays?
 
 
Morlock - groupie for hire
16:25 / 25.02.02
Late entry in the 'I'm more fucked up than you, so stop worrying' stakes. 26 and counting, social skills of a dead herring and a personality locked away in a vault somewhere. reckon I know how you feel. Not looking for sex (the whole 'I lost my virginity when I was a zygote' schtick is bollocks anyway, we both know it) but some kind of evidence there's something worthwhile among the rubble. That about it?

Still, I'd agree with most of the stuff in this thread. Find some things that you like, and that invove other people. BE someone, rather than hiding inside your skull and sulking. My friends and I managed to badger me into taking up Salsa. No miracle cures, but it seems to be helping a bit.

And try not to be too needy. Puts people off. And yes, it's hard, I know.

"All the lonely people,
where do they all come from.
All the lonely people,
where do they all belong."
 
  
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