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TOO nice?

07:44 / 13.08.04

noticed the talk of breakups that seem to be happening to people on these boards and it made me want to chime in with something.

i just recently had a friend (or "more than friends" as she described it) of mine just up and decide to blow me off. i talked to her about it. there were reasons given as to why she had so suddenly become so distant after being so sweet and i took them in stride. but as i tried to more or less say goodbye since the writing was on the wall, she quickly became rather spiteful. i didnt want it to end like that or anything. so after i quelled that i tried to say goodbye again. i got about as far as "you take care of yourself and..." 'click!'. she hangs up on me without a word.

now i realize i am glossing over things here. but i DID try to be decent about this whole thing and all i got was animosity in return. maybe thats what i will get here as well. ;}

now does anyone here believe that there is such a thing as being too nice? does anyone think that kindness is a weakness? is it better to take the high road? or should vengeance be served?

08:00 / 13.08.04

This might be a question of what you're glossing over.

But no, I don't you can ever be too nice in these situations - whatever else happens, at least you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror, and say, goddamnit, I was always nice. No one got near me.

( Appallingly, this is less ironic that it probably sounds. )

09:00 / 13.08.04

the glossing over is just the minutiae of the conversation. i didnt want to bore anyone with the details.

is this making it sound like i was trying to be superior? i wasnt. i just wanted to be decent and this person wasnt having it. maybe she thought it would be easier that way.

09:26 / 13.08.04

Sometimes it is easier in these situations to lash out and convince yourself that you are pissed off with the other party, kind of a self-defence mechanism.
Generally though you are better off trying to be nice about it, even if it's difficult. I personaly think you did the right thing, being nice is rarely if ever the wrong thing to do.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:54 / 13.08.04

I tend to agree with phyrephox- I always aim to be nice. However, I would add the caveat that while it may be the RIGHT thing to do, it can land you in a whole lot of shit. However, while you're swimming in it, you at least have your conscience to console you. It depends how much value you place on this.

11:08 / 13.08.04

Krak, to be frank, mate, you've actually told us very little (which is your prerogative). In my experience bust-ups are bloody complicated things, and are not reducible to a couple of paragraphs.

11:10 / 13.08.04

It's also important not to act like a tit, you'll just embarrass yourself (possibly forever) and probably hurt others in the process.

20:40 / 13.08.04

It is imperative that you do not act like a tit. And do not forget that the other person may, no matter how much you have admired them in the past, be acting like a tit now. So, just because they hang up on you, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong like being too nice. Is it possible they are annoyed with you for not weeping and beating your chest on being cast out from the princess' chamber? Maybe not, but there are a million reasons why they hung up on you, not all of them strictly rational. Don't be reactive, be yourself!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:24 / 13.08.04

The trouble with these rather sketchy tales is this: we've all got stories which involve us being pleasant to people who don't return the courtesy. And so it is that most people will be only too happy to fill in the gaps in the story with their own miserable experiences, never knowing what murky delusions of unnecessary niceness that they might be shoring up with the butresses of reflexive supportivity.

Not saying there are any such murky delusions here present, just cracking open a three-pack of crunchy possibility snax with REAL cheese food filling.

Tryphena Absent

21:38 / 13.08.04

It just depends on the situation. If someone behaves vindictively towards you than no you shouldn't be nice to them. You're just repressing your aggression, damaging yourself and letting them think that they can treat people awfully. If someone doesn't want to see or talk to you anymore that's fine and you should leave it alone and accept it but sometimes that doesn't happen.

My advice: only fight when you know you can win.

21:46 / 13.08.04

Your experiences are miserable .. and you are deluding each other.

Hmm. Yah. Zo, you hef dumped somevun recently?

22:30 / 13.08.04

I don't trust people who act too sweet and nice. The whole attempt to deny they have anything nasty about themself, to trick people into believing they wouldn't hurt a fly much less you, it makes me want to hurl. I think this behavior is delusional. Being a nice person is fine, but over the top niceness is a bloody smoke screen for something that balances it.

Actually, I am revisiting the Lilith/Eve psyche and this is terribly pertinent to the question. Eve being very nuturing and the Mother of All, the selfless one but she cannot exist without Lilith. Lilith makes Eve take for herself, to take back her own power and energy. This allows Eve to be as nurturing as she is, as she, as Lilith created a reserve within herself.

Anyway, as they say...Cruel to be kind.

In the right measure.

Regrettable Juvenilia

23:44 / 13.08.04

I guess it's possible to be too nice, but it's also possible to be one of those emotionally needy, insecure people with a victim complex who think the problem is that they're too nice... Let's not lose sight of that.

Oh no, Linus, maybe I'm one of those evil dumping people too!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

06:26 / 14.08.04

Zo, you hef dumped somevun recently?

No, and I didn't call anyone deluded either.

07:50 / 14.08.04

let me say just for the record that i am not nor do i consider myself to be any type of saint. and i'm sure there are quite a few that know me who will back me up on that. but this particular person did once describe me as being one of the nicest people she had ever met. take that how you will.

i think the thing that gets to me in this particular situation, is that there really was no reason for the sudden enmity shown by this person IMO. i wanted a let bygones be bygones kind of deal. this person seemingly wanted to end things on a harsh note. again, maybe it was just an easier way out for this girl. i guess even though i didnt see any reason, she did.

do you really want all the laundry aired, you jackals?! ;}

has anyone else ever come across this kind of thing with another person? have you been on the flip side? have you tried to push some buttons on someone and they didnt bite and it made you even angrier?

09:06 / 14.08.04

Have you read joetheneophyte's posts here?

Motherfucker loves being nice.