Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Switchboard >

Let's wind up Mormons over wanking

Brigade du jour

00:08 / 18.07.04

A friend of mine just handed me an apparently genuine document from The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, called 'Steps In Overcoming Masturbation'.

It looks and reads kind of like a joke, with advice such as "Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes", but I'm assured this these people are quite serious.

Anyway, after I'd recovered from the initial childish giggle fit, I was struck with righteous anger. 'How dare these fuckers', I thought to myself, 'proscribe an activity that is not only medically beneficial (particularly for the shy, single man) but also can be a most spiritually uplifting experience?'

Thus charged with moral fury, I emailed the Church's website and asked them that very same question (albeit in calmer terms.

Then I thought, 'hello! Why don't I ask everyone on Barbelith to do the same?'

I know it's a long shot, but you never know, they might rethink their position on onanism and thousands, even millions of people across the globe may benefit. In a masturbatory way.

Now, I feel I should point out that I've no desire to inflame any religious tension. If anyone wants to email any other religious websites with a similar attitude to self-pleasure, then go for it. I will ask, though, that you post here and let us know if you got any feedback from them.

Maybe the moderators think this should be in Conversation, I don't know. Bung it there if you want, although I would say that what I'm proposing is a form of activism, albeit a very mild one.

flufeemunk effluvia

03:43 / 18.07.04

Haha... I remember reading all that Rotten Library shit on Mormons and their deft avoidance of masturbation.

MANIFEST DESTINY THIS, BITCHES!

Heres what i sent:

Two things:
Why the hate on Masturbation?
It relieves sexual tension and is that much more likely to cause teenage celibacy. I have some very strong palms, and I am that much less likely to get laid.
Second, Is it possible to legally put in your will that you do not wish to be post-humously converted to mormonism by your progeny? That would be mighty swell...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:52 / 18.07.04

Yeah. A sexually frustrated teen is a promiscuous teen in the making (well, okay, in the "not making", but, you know...)

It's also handy for giving comics an extended run, so I hear.

02:14 / 19.07.04

I was born and raised in Salt Lake City, Utah. (Home of the Mormon Church.) And though I'm not a Mormon, I do have a pretty intimate understanding of them as a group. Emailing them isn't going to get anywhere. The Church and its administration (and most of its members) are impacable like rocks. They are almost totally surrounded by other Mormons, and questioning their beliefs doesn't cross their minds. Downtown is dominated by their skyscrapers. The Mormon Temple rises like a beacon.

If you think that their stand on masturbation is bad, you should see what they think of their gay kids. You wouldn't believe the numbers of homeless kids in Salt Lake. It's insane. I've met more street kids there then I have in places like NYC or San Francisco. And it's not just for being gay that these kids end up on the straight... dating non-Mormons, refusing to become missionaries, mouthing off to their parents, etc. Some of these kids are just 14 or 15.

They've got a death grip on everything in that state. And they don't ever seem to back down. Just one bit of advice - I would say to not give them your name, if you do email them. They have a tendency to baptize non-believers: They have someone stand in for you, and go through the rituals and everything. I wouldn't want to get on that list. The thought is just creepy.

02:21 / 19.07.04

Forgot to mention one thing I always found funny: the Mormon Church advises boys to tie their right hand to their bedframe before they go to bed, if they can't control themselves. I don't know if they put that little gem into the pamphlet you got, though.

I guess the implication is that bondage is OK

Brigade du jour

02:38 / 19.07.04

Ah, bondage is always ok!

Yes they did put that suggestion on the list. Surely you could do yourself injury though, if you have a particularly violent dream.

Also, what happens if you're a 12-year-old boy or whatever and you have a wet dream? I mean, I suppose you wouldn't tell your local church leader, but if you were really devout in your beliefs wouldn't you be punishing yourself over it like it was your fault?

07:04 / 19.07.04

The church ward's Bishop asks about all that stuff, to see if he thinks the boy/girl/adult/whoever in question can get a Temple Pass. They'll run down a list -- Have you masturbated? Had impure fantasies? Had premarital sex? Smoked cigarettes? Etc... I don't know if they ask quite the same questions of an adult, but I know that for teens they hit all the bases.

If he doesn't think you're trying hard enough, you won't get your pass. They're very involved in the lives of their ward members. And they don't shy away from denying their members access to the Temple, for any real or percieved failings. Excommunication is also prevalent, unlike with the Catholic Church - who wouldn't excommunicate the AntiChrist these days.

07:08 / 19.07.04

I suppose I mis-answered your question. Sorry! Wet dreams are okay: a way for your body to take care of all the 'unpleasantness' when you have plausible deniability.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

10:16 / 19.07.04

On reading the first post in this thread my immediate reaction was "hey, perhaps then we can email the Catholic church and ask them to stop talking rubbish about the safety of condoms".

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:12 / 19.07.04

advice such as "Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes"

Surely once you've mastered step one the others are kind of redundant?

17:10 / 22.07.04

How come that bastard Donny Osmond was always smiling before he got married then? From the evidence of his tight seventies trousers, one would think that the backed up jism that had accumulated would give him balls like Dennis Rodman/Linford Christie

'And they call it Puppy Self Love'

with all that unreleased testosterone, the Osmonds must have had balls like Crazy Horses (weeeehuunnh weeeeehuuuuuhhhhh!)

I am allowed to say this because

a: In my day I was a considerate lover

b: I have long hair

c: I am from Liverpool

and in closing, the thought of Marie Osmond flicking the bean is still exciting to my admittedly old man brain

06:32 / 26.07.04

Here we go... the actual Mormon pamphlet on milking the lizard.
(Link)

11:00 / 26.07.04

Dude... After reading this thread I investigated Mormons a bit and they are really disturbing.

They've used vomit and electroshock aversion therapy on homosexuals, routinely covered up child and spousal abuse, exerted extreme forms of creepy social control and are incredibly sexist.

The above links to exmormon.org, it is a fascinating site.

pointless and uncalled for

11:30 / 26.07.04

Yes, all quite common amongst religious groups, particularly amongst those that set themselves out to be better, more honest, reliable or righteous than other divisions of the same faith.

About as frightening as the Jehovah's Witnesses, who also have strict views on onanism.

Clearly someone needs to start a division of Christianity that promotes masturbation as a form of worship. Just another snake cult jokes to follow.

Brigade du jour

02:56 / 27.07.04

Employ aversion therapy. To cancel out the pleasurableness of masturbating , associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub of worms and eating some of them.

Jesus Christ!

Btw, I'd be well up for following a cult that promotes masturbation; "We are The Tribe Of Onan, come and join us! Or rather, the other way round."

08:33 / 27.07.04

"Employ aversion therapy. To cancel out the pleasurableness of masturbating , associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub of worms and eating some of them."

Ooh...
I think I have a new masturbation fantasy.

09:11 / 27.07.04

I like the way it's only some of the worms though. Because all of them would be just, like, too gross. It also advises giving yourself a quarter every time you reach a non-masturbation goal, which, from what I remember of what a quarter buys, means that the only reward for long periods of abstinence is a bag of jellybeans.

Nobody's Girl, thanks for the link to that site -I had previously heard that confirmed Mormons wore special underwear to protect them from spiritual attack, but never quite believed it.