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Lovecraft Jokes

 
 
flufeemunk effluvia
03:11 / 31.05.04
Q: Why did the shoggoth cross the road
A: To get out of Antartica and comsume human flesh.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
15:28 / 31.05.04
Q: Why was Herbert West such a good barman?

A: He knew the way to mix a tonic.




i'll get me coat...
 
 
Simplist
18:47 / 31.05.04
WHO WILL BE EATEN FIRST?
 
 
Ex
18:17 / 03.06.04
So Nyarlahotep pops across to the library where Cthulhu's actually a bit more rugose and squamous then usual. And he says, what's up?
And Cthulhu says "Rl'yeh fthagn, ahem! Blimey! Sorry, phlegm. Bit ill, actually."
So Nyarlahotep rubs three of his pseudopods together and says, "I have just the thing!"
And he leads the mighty Elder One across the non-Euclidean town sqaure, down a dodgy back alley, where an eldritch couple of debt collectors are lurking.

And Nyarlahotep says:

"Here's that sick squid I owe you."
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
18:36 / 03.06.04
That's the best joke I've ever heard.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
18:40 / 03.06.04
Cthulhu walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey, buddy - why the long face?"

____


Shub Niggurath walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre, so the barman gives her one.

_____

This could run and run.
 
 
Ex
18:50 / 03.06.04
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead, Sir. It's just dreaming."
 
 
the cat's iao
19:28 / 03.06.04
What did the investigator have to say about her encounter with Cyaegha?

Nothing: catatonic people don't speak!
 
 
Spyder Todd 2008
19:51 / 03.06.04
You people are all sick. I love you all.
 
 
rizla mission
21:20 / 03.06.04
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead, Sir. It's just dreaming."


That's the best joke I've ever heard.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
21:21 / 03.06.04
Seconded.
 
 
LykeX
21:32 / 03.06.04
Ex, That is fucking brilliant. Give us more. MORE!!
 
 
bio k9
00:28 / 04.06.04
 
 
Sax
10:23 / 05.06.04
Investigator: "I need to get to that big asylum."

Fish-faced local: "Arkham?"

Investigator: "I just do - it's none of your damn business why!"
 
 
Sax
10:25 / 05.06.04
Investigator: "My friends have disappeared in the woods! I think they may have been eaten by an elemental air monster!"

Sinister backwoodsman: "Wendigo?"

Investigator: "About three days ago-- why, is that important?"
 
 
Sax
10:31 / 05.06.04
Investigator: "Right, I think I'm about ready to go and validate those sightings of that mysterious fish god, what's it called?"

Asinine trawlerman: "Dagon."

Investigator: "You're right, it is getting a bit dark. I'll wait until morning."
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
10:38 / 05.06.04
You're MUCH too good at this, Sax.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
11:53 / 05.06.04
ex and Sax need to have a Cthulhu joke-off. We can take bets and stuff.

It'd be the BEST way to go horribly, irrevocably insane EVER.
 
 
Jack Fear
10:13 / 06.06.04
City Swell: "You're from Dean's Corners, eh? I used to know a pair of sisters from a little town up your way..."

Country Bumpkin: "Dunwich?"

City Swell: "The older one, if you must know--the younger had a boyfriend already."
 
 
Jack Fear
15:11 / 06.06.04
So there's this Mi-Go from Yuggoth down at the disco, trying to chat up this girl, but she wants nothing to do with him. So he says, "What's the matter, baby? You can see I'm a fungi!"

Goodnight and thanks! Remember to tip the waitress, and please, drive safely!
 
 
the Fool
01:23 / 07.06.04
The new odd couple...
 
 
the cat's iao
05:25 / 07.06.04
So Azathoth is hanging out in the nether regions with its entourage of lesser gods and its servitor flautist. Well, some crazy madman back on earth figures it was about time to summon this great old one to wreak a substantial amount of chaos, havoc, and horror upon his fellow human beings. I mean, when you're insane, this might seem like a good idea or something. Anyway, the madman had found an ancient rite that would summon Azathoth, so he goes carefully through the incantations and what not, and sure enough, when it's all over, Azathoth arrives with its cohorts. Of course, the madman is stricken down by total insanity at the sights and sounds of this party's arrival. Well, Azathoth turns to his flautist and says, "I’m so tired of this! Every time we show up these pathetic humans have a mental collapse. Can't you play something with a tune for once?"
 
 
Ex
10:19 / 07.06.04
Q: Knock Knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Cthul.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
10:43 / 07.06.04
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hastur the Unspeakable, He Who Should Not Be Named.

Hastur the Unspeakable, He Who Should Not Be Named who?

Ha ha. You're SO fucked now.


"The inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents? It comes in fucking handy when you're dealing with Stoatie's jokes, I can tell you."- H P Lovecraft
 
 
Sax
10:52 / 07.06.04
What's a shoggoth's favourite rap band?

Shub-Niggurath With Attitude.
 
 
Sax
10:59 / 07.06.04
"Oh, good grief," sighed Cthulhu as his ghastly, fish-faced followers presented him with a huge pile of broken false teeth. "I said, go and destroy Massachusetts."
 
 
Lord Morgue
12:21 / 07.06.04
Here's an H.P. Lovecraft joke. AUGUST DERLITH.

Oh SNAP!
 
 
Baz Auckland
04:18 / 08.06.04
Man 1: "Have you seen that odd monkey-looking fellow Arthur around lately?"

Man 2: "Jermyn?"

Man 1: "No, I think he was Portuguese..."
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
07:32 / 08.06.04
I had this weird dream about geometry the other night. I was staying over in that place over there, you see it?

Witch House?

The one I'm fucking pointing at, fucknuts! You blind or something?
 
 
Lord Morgue
08:01 / 08.06.04
Necrotelecomnicon: the book of dead phone numbers.
 
 
lekvar
06:50 / 10.06.04
A handful of single ghouls were getting together for a Meep and Greet. One guest approached the host ghoul, glibbering that it had invited some additional friends, and inquiring as to whether there would be enough to eat. "Well," glibbered the host in reply, "We'll see how much we can Dhole out!"
 
 
lekvar
06:55 / 10.06.04
1st Miskatonic University Student: "Hey... I thought you said you had the entire book of the dead stored on your computer."

2nd Miskatonic University Student: "I do."

1st Miskatonic University Student: "I can't find it."

2nd Miskatonic University Student: "Just go to the desktop and click on the Necronomn Icon."
 
 
Sax
07:08 / 09.09.04
Not a joke, really, but:

Cthuugle.
 
 
Lord Morgue
14:05 / 28.10.04
Cutethulhu
 
 
bjacques
17:13 / 28.10.04
Not to mention The Livejournal of Zachary Marsh and The Vault of Unspeakable Doom...
 
  
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