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MOLDOVAGEDDON (PICS I should venture) (and quite possibly CARNAGE)

  
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
13:40 / 22.05.04
The hour is here: Graf LuftAdmiral Von Kobra, menace of the Air, Sea, and Land, has unleashed his VENOMOUS Forces upon the Hapless Elk Massaging Folk of Moldova.
Will Evil Triumph?
Will CheeseMaids be forced to wear Black Leather Tubing from now on?
Or will the cuddly, almost MUFFINLIKE people of Moldova rise up in a HORRENDOUS WAVE OF WRATH.
Are foreign forces involved? Possibly. Ask your Father, he knows about that sort of thing.
We rejoin our Dark and Brutal Overlord with the Raw Lionlike Hips as he and a MASSIVE BATTALION OF BLOOD
race towards the border...
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
14:09 / 22.05.04
The wind rushes through my hair as I smell the first Villages burning.
Atop the Panzer, my Glittering Field Decorations carefully polished to a Brutal Glistening Shimmer, I clink and jangle.

The World is ours. I feel like I did when I killed those Kittens with the Sausage Machine.

Mother thought I wanted to be a Sausage Maker.

A Moldovan Troop Carrier is ripped in half by the searing mandibles of an AntFeldwebel, spilling flaming fuel and twitching shattered flaming men everywhere...simultaneously the Ant fires its Twin Rockets at a small Hot Topic, raping the American Dream with grasping, shrapnel-spreading claws.

Carrion lies everywhere. Buildings judder and fall. The sky turns red, then Black.

There is a wailing, an ululating. Gypsies shriek dying curses at us.

MesserGruppe "Teufel" stand fast at the dying of the day, astride a brackish Unterseeboot, strafing fleeing Fishermen with their WerferWerfers. The inky foam is illuminated with the thrashing of combustible dying men.

I need to talk to some of the Saboteurs, and a Field Base is established. A Makeshift Hunting Lodge is assembled. Oak Leaves and Mystic Runes are hastily arranged amidst mysteriously placed Golden Eagles.

I swagger into the Briefing Room, a murderous fleck of insanity threatening to burst my frontal lobe.
I smash the Map violently with my Riding Crop.
Great bellows of Diesel and Grease ejaculate outwards from my Evil and Fiendish Field Uniform.

"Chennelminn...Comrat burns as we speak. Ze Riffer Prut ist beingk zystemadically Strafed Mitt Flammen...SquidSquad haff ullreddy pegun zere ascent off der Prut River to izolate Ungheni. Menvile, vorces in der East are progressingk just ez vast as our own. Tiraspol ist rubble und melted hopes, or zo I hear...

anyway.

We regroup and receive reinforcements. Ze Luftwaffe ist on Nacht Missionz. Unterseeboots have infiltrated the inlets. Our Saboteurs will zoon pegin vurk on ze systemadic tisrubtion off civil ohder. Und Ze Giant Squid is abroad."

*eerie silence*

"You know your chudies."

HEIL ME!!!!

  
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
09:08 / 23.05.04
Morlocks: Perhaps. A medium - sized bag though. And I propose to wrap the WerferWerfers in Denim Hydroxide. Your black and foul underworld shall not be exposed to the experimental and unstable Nightmare Weapons.

Two-Fisted Mushroomer: Ja. I have a shed. It is dark.

A Bolivian Quetzal Cell is parachuting into Moldova within the next 24 hours. A deal has been struck for a quarter of the nation's Bone Marrow once we are victorious.

The AnalLuft approach. Flugmeldelaufbahns report little resistance so far.
 
 
Lord Morgue
13:05 / 23.05.04
(Splutter) Denim!? On my beautiful Werfers!? You might as well put ugboots and black AC/DC t-shirts on them and call them WESTIEWERFERS! It would completly ruin the steampunk asthetic. I will not be party to such madness, especially not for the sake of those stinky Morlocks and their ridiculous greasy art-deco rubbish they call a civilisation.

P.S. Moldova's super-powered champions are wreaking havok behind our front lines with their fiendish guerilla showboating and heroic work ethic. Captain Moldova, the Dark Elk, Denim Lad, etc, have been cutting off our lines of supply with cunningly modified agricultural machinery. And what of Transnistria? Need I remind you that Milla Jovovich is from the Ukraine herself, and the unholy amounts of ass she kicked in The Fifth Element, Joan of Arc, and Resident Evil? Plus if she got involved, she could very well bring Lenny Kravitz, and although this may not sound like much is itself, he has been known to bump uglies with Nichole Kidman, whose skills as a Ninja have been observed (Watch the Shadows Dance) as well as her ability to wield a B.M.X. bike in battle (BMX Bandits). Add to that her connections with both Vin Diesel and Russell Crowe, and you're talking about a smorgasboard of bad-assery! We could be six degrees from annihilation!

P.P.S. The Koga Ninja were right about the denim, unfortunately. The crotch has gone right out of these knockoff Billy Jack Kicking Jeans, leaving me dangerously untucked. Ah, but the exhilarating feeling of the winds of war on my scrots! I'll never go back to tighty whiteys, do you hear me, NEVER!
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
14:00 / 23.05.04
Denim Lad has been captured and is under interrogation by the 4th Blut und ScheissenGruppe. They seem to be enchoyink zemselves.

Celebrity Death Squads, eh?

You haff opviously neffer heard of MY Battalion GELD haff you?

Gary Busey. Kurt Russell. Don Swayze.

And others.

Others that believe in me.
Have no fear or even an ounce of trepidation.
Morgue.
Our Castles shall be vast. Der Peasants vill cower in fear peneath ze chackboot. I vill haff Cybernetic Goats roaming on Rubber Hooves through my pedroom...

I feel for you, az regards ze WerferWerfers. And what aztoundingk successes we haff had with zem. Exploding und...exploding. Yes.

Anyway.

Tomorrow at 1000 hourz ve begin again.

Morlocks...ach. Talk to me on msn.
 
 
Char Aina
16:24 / 23.05.04
in breaking news, earlier today we spoke with a representative of BlackEyedPeasSansFrontierz. although at first the Secretary for Information and Dancing Funny seemed unaware of the existence of moldova, once it was pointed out to him on a map, he affirmed his organisation's position as 'against all that bad shit' and 'not down with killing, yo'. an exclusive statement was later given by BEPSaF's Minister for Pouting and Totally Being Toksik's Imaginary Girfriend;


Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?

Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?
 
 
■
19:11 / 23.05.04
It's under that coffee mug. You put it there when you went shopping.
 
 
Lord Morgue
11:19 / 24.05.04
Great flying balls of laundry! I am moved to song!

Hit it!

[I think it's time to discuss your philosophy of drug use as it relates to artistic endeavors]

Check it, yo!
I always hit the tape with the rough road styles
You heard the psychedelic and ya came for miles
Keep my rhymes thick like a Guinness brew
So you could call me black and tan when I'm a wreckin' a crew
I'm like Bill Lee writing when he's in Tangiers
And now I'm on a soul safari with my Beatnik peers
Analog reel and a little distortion
Smokin' on somethin' s'you could say I'm scorchin'
I never been the type to brag but beware
I'll make a man burn his draft card like it was Hair
Send ya up the river like you lookin' for Kurtz
I got the mugwump jism up in every verse

I always hit the apple when I'm going to shoot
So you can call me William Tell or Agent Cooper to boot
Mr. Mojo Risin' on the case again
So tell your mother and your sister and your sister's friends
Like an exterminator running low on dust
I'm bug powder itchin' and it can't be trust
Interzone trippin' and I'm off to Annexia
I gotta get a typewriter that's sexier
My name is Justin and that's all that's it
And I'll be spittin' rhymes wicked like it ain't for this shit
Houses of the Holy like Jimmy Page
But the song remains the same so I'm stuck in a rage
Just like Jane when she's going to Spain
I think I'm going away tomorrow, just a fool in the rain
Light up the candles and bless the room
I'm paranoid, snow blind, just a black meat fool

(Refrain 2x)
Bug powder dust an' mugwump jism
And the wild boys runnin' 'round Interzone trippin'
Letter to control about the Big Brother
Try'n like hard to not blow my cover

Never been a fake and I'm never phony
I got more flavour than the packet in macaroni
Rock drippin' from my every vowel
I've got the soul of the sixties like Ginsberg's Howl
Shootin' mad ball and I'm always jukin'
Take you to the hole and I'm surely hoopin'
Top of the pops like the Lulu's show
I'll take a walk on Abbey Road with my shoes unsoled
I got a splinter though, damn, you know man it hurt
I got a Vegemite sandwich from Men at Work
I keep minds in line, but time sublimes,
So when you search you find something like a gold mine
A psychadelic meanderings in the poem
I got a patter, patter anyplace that I roam
Waiting for the sun on a Spanish caravan
Solar eclipse and I'm feeling like starin' man

(Refrain 2x)

Who's that man in the windowpane
Got somethin' on his tongue and it's startin' to stain
Sho' nuff equip so wop n'get down
Step up on my ladder and you'll get beat down
Hash bar style so I'm singin' day glow
Wakin' up the dead like Serpent and the Rainbow
Jeff Spicoli roll me another hay
The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh with Dr. J
Shockin' your ass like a faulty vibrator
Hear me now, but you'll probably get the vibe later
Who knows where the wicked wind blows
Que sera sera just leave it alone
Great Space Coaster toast up the Mad Thinker
Makin' midgets with my man Dr. Shrinker
Pass the hookah, throw down the pillows
Cloth on the ceiling, blow rings that billow
Kick off the shoes and relax your feet
Now roll up your sleeves for this lyrical treat

(Refrain 2x)

[I think it's time for you boys to share my last taste of the true black meat; the flesh of the giant, aquatic, Brazilian centipede.]

...ah, Frank Sinatra, he makes me feel so young...
 
 
Haus of Mystery
21:35 / 24.05.04
Ach mein bollocks. Ichten nichten lichten - Moldavia fer the Moldavians. Gershplungen! Everyone into the Klankenwagon. ACHTUUUUUUUNG.


Schnell.
 
 
Olulabelle
22:27 / 24.05.04
BEGIN MESSAGE:

ATTENTION MOLDOVIAN RAMPAGERS. Stop.

All this killing is not good for your Karma. Stop.

Put down your swords and your robotic ants with rubbish batteries, turn to the left and kiss the rampager next to you hard on the lips. Stop.

Failing that sit down and have a cup of tea together. Stop.

Tea solves everything. Stop.

END MESSAGE.
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
22:49 / 24.05.04
Intelligence Report: Previous message was intercepted at 0039 hours. stop
-The Zen Crytographers of the Koga Ninja Strike Team have ascertained the source of the transmission. stop
-The source is believed to be Susan Sarandon. stop
-Intelligence sources tell us she may either be Tim Robbin's girlfriend or mother. Our ZEN POWER does not allow us to tell which.
Recomendations: Something with Shurikens. Maybe Katanas. We have a poison that makes your heart leap into your head and explode like a frag grenade.

Honorable Lord Morgue-san, I Never thought I'd live to hear 'Bug Powder Dust' quoted in it's entirity.
 
 
Olulabelle
23:05 / 24.05.04


"MAKE TEA NOT WAR."
 
 
Alex's Grandma
23:15 / 24.05.04
John, I think you should calm down a bit.
 
 
Olulabelle
23:22 / 24.05.04
He should have some tea!
 
 
Lord Morgue
08:06 / 25.05.04
I've got Susan Sarandon covered, O my Brothers, see, I've been building a man, with blonde hair and a tan...
I'll just ask her to come up to the lab and see what's on the slab.
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
08:12 / 26.05.04
LOVE?

*furiously caresses Denim Bodysuit*

VAS IST DAS?

*suddenly overpowered by a strange urge to coat self in Swarfega and roll around HQ moaning eerily*
 
 
Char Aina
17:53 / 26.05.04
love is when you like something so much you will not only do anything to get it, but will do nothing to hurt it.

kinda like lust, only more polite.


and if you dont mind, you're getting swarfega on my couch.
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
09:12 / 28.05.04


Schrei-"Verwüstung!"und lassen Sie lose die Ballone des Krieges!!

Moldau muß sterben!!!
 
 
Lord Morgue
09:58 / 28.05.04
Johnny K! M-Dogg in the hizzy! Yo yo yo, where my dogs of war at? Oh, there you are... ew. Anyway, I've been working on our P.R. campaign, and I've had a brainstorm! I think we need something to get the kiddies involved, I mean torchlight rallies are good, but we have to have something to get their attention, MTV has rotted their brains, brilliant really, I wish I had thought of it. So, this war needs a VIDEO CLIP! Something better than that old Iraqi one with the repetitive lyrics- how does it go? "God is good, god is great, God is good, God is great, just a stranger on a bus, trying to..." no, that's not right.
Anyway, I'm thinking we cover Zodiac Mindwarp's "Prime Mover"! Can you picture it? You come crashing through the wall of a Moldavian girl's school in your gimp suit astride a giant mechanical ant, gyrating your hips and slapping your swagger stick against your thigh, and you sing:

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah
Well I Love Tv And I Love T. Rex
I Can See Through Your Skirt
I've Got X-Ray Spex
I Came From The Sky Like A 747
I'm The Bad Boy Baby I Fell Out Of Heaven
Sex Fuhrer Baby I'm A Love Dictator
Blitzkrieg Romance I'm A Cool Dominator

P-R-I-M-E Prime Mover
Baby You're M-I-N-E I'm The Groover

Well I'm Christ In Shades I'm A Napalm God
Your Lipstick Flickers Round My Lightning Rod
You Fever Pitch Bitch You Love To Tease
Well I'm A Hot Dog Daddy Up On Your Knees
Sex Fuhrer Baby I'm A Love Dictator
Blitzkrieg Romance I'm A Living Detonator

P-R-I-M-E Prime Mover
Baby You're M-I-N-E I'm The Groover Yeah

I'm The Sex Fuhrer Baby I'm A Love Dictator
You're A Disco Reptile A Funky Alligator

P-R-I-M-E Prime Mover
Baby You're M-I-N-E I'm The Groover

And then everything blows up! Am I a genius or what? We could get Leni Refenstahl to direct, and David Bowie to produce. It will play on heavy rotation for a thousand years!
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
10:43 / 28.05.04
Ah.

You've figured out that I read too many Mark Manning books...

IT IS IRRELEVANT!!!

I AM DIRTIER THAN HE!!!

Morgue, this is just EERIE.
You've now posted the Lyrics to TWO of my favourite songs...

*swivels about in Turret, searching in futility through the NIGHTVISION Binocs*

I lost a brother in the Var. They said he vas Depth-Charged by the Englander. His body vas neffer vound.

*cruel lips trembling*

MORGUE?

KAN IT BE????
 
 
Haus of Mystery
11:31 / 28.05.04
John, I'm only dancing.
 
 
Lord Morgue
11:38 / 28.05.04
They said I was the bastard offspring of Heinrich Himmler and Betty Grable, but they treated me like I was Keith Chegwin...
Ah, K-Dogg, I feel a big musical number coming on..



Come home tired, what a day I've had;
News ain't good from Stalingrad -
I've been busy protecting the German race,
So come on baby, defecate on my face.

Chorus:
C'mon baby, send it on down;
Bend over Braunn and give me your brown.
There's trouble brewing in the Warsaw Pact,
So hurry up Eva and move your digestive tract.

Get to the bunker, looks like a sty;
Turn on the T.V. and it's all one Big Lie -
Here Eva, have these prunes to chew:
We have ways of making you poo.

Here come the Russians! It's near the end!
Proud to say that my girl never used an "S-bend".
What's that Eva? Your bowel's on strike?
Then it's all over for my Third Reich.
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
12:38 / 28.05.04
This is getting like THE PRODUCERS!!

But I can't help myself

*throws garlands of Lillies into the air and prances about momentarily like a giggling Milkmaid*

SUCK ON THIS, SQUAREHEAD
I hear you got a six inch guarantee of unilateral security
Well me and Stalin, we just signed a mutual non-aggression pact
I'm gonna put CASE WHITE into effect
Prepare yourself for a CONFLICT baby
I'll cook you a stew you'll choke on
I tore up the VERSAILLES TREATY
Today is the FIRST of SEPTEMBER
See you at your graveside, baby
I'll meet you in Poland, baby

I want to PUMP you FULL of BURNING LEAD
Cause six million casualties
Well I gave you a lot of slack - but all I get from you is FLAK
I'm gonna put CASE WHITE into effect
Prepare yourself for a conflict baby
Passing information on to HIGH COMMAND
We have ways of making you TALK
Today is the FIRST of SEPTEMBER
See you at your FUNERAL, baby
I'll meet you in Poland, baby

I hear you got a six inch guarantee of unilateral security
Well me and Stalin, we just signed a mutual non-aggression pact
I'm gonna put CASE WHITE into effect
Prepare yourself for a conflict, baby
I'll cook you a stew you'll choke on
I tore up the VERSAILLES TREATY
TODAY IS THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER
See you at your graveside, baby
I'LL MEET YOU IN POLAND, BABY
SEE YOU AT YOUR GRAVESIDE, BABY
I'LL MEET YOU IN POLAND, BABY
 
 
Lord Morgue
14:09 / 28.05.04
Yes! Moldovageddon: The Musical!
It's Springtime for Hitler!
And why can't there be more comics like this?
Stalin vs. Hitler
On the war front, I have driven off Captain Moldavia by werfing boulders of radioactive Moldovite at him, but his Autobot allies are proving harder to dispose of. I could not bring myself to fire upon the little one that turns into a Vdub. Volkswagens... always make me cry.
Some shadowy secret international agency of spandex-clad, laser pistol wielding daredevils on jetbikes and flying cars calling themselves A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. have freed Denim Lad, but not before the BludundSchiesserGrup unstitched his inside leg! He'll be out of action, barring a visit from a good frontline tailor.
Most disturbingly, the Dark Elk has enlisted the aid of the powerful and unpredictable Pirjas, and their flying Tesla Ship Armada, in exchange for the promise of the Oscillation Overthruster/ Flux Capacitor. Grey Area had better keep his head down.
Yours in song and drang, LM.

I stumble into town
Just like a sacred cow
Visions of swastikas in my head
Plans for everyone
It's in the white of my eyes

My little China Girl
You shouldn't mess with me
I'll ruin everything you are
You know
I'll give you television
I'll give you eyes of blue
I'll give you a man
Who wants to rule the world
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
15:08 / 28.05.04
Pirjas...nein, Zis vill not do.

ZIS VILL NOT DO AT ALL!!!

I haff given ohderz zat der UBERZEPPELIN is to begin dropping FLAMING PANZERS on der PEOPLES GLORIOUS FOREST OF THE REVOLUTION AND MASSED TYRE FACTORIES, the last known locale off der sighting of der DARK ELK.

Zis ist very inconvenient, Morgue.

I vas planning an OPERA HOUSE.

It looks REALLY GUT. It has all zese BROCADED BANNERS und EVERYTHINK.

VERDAMMT!
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
15:21 / 28.05.04
*weary look of apprehension*

I had hoped zis vould not be neccessary...

*cruelly grasps Field Telephone in a Vice-like CLAW*

Zis ist FeldHQ...ja, Liesle, ja, I KNOW I said I'd be over ... vell, ve ARE at WAR...ja, I KNOW you liked ze Leather Cockroach... LOOK JUST GET ME ZE DANGEROUS UND MYSTERIOUS GRUPPEN X ON DER LINE SCHNELL! SCHNELL!

...ja, I thought you vould like zat...

*whispering menacingly*

...I vill Invade Your Steppes Und Raze Your Fillages, mein leibe...hehehehe

*expression suddenly changes to that of a VICIOUS IMPERIALIST*

Ludendorff? HQ here.

Mobilize BATTALION GELD.

Ja. Immediately. To ze front. Ja.

*slams down Phone with Unnatural Force*

May Gott forgive me...
 
 
lekvar
03:47 / 30.05.04
Lord Morgue, you fool! By allowing the BludundSchiesserGrup to ruin Denim Lad's trousers you've led him to the power and glory of OD'S BODKIN! Now not only are his loins girded, they're GILDED! Even now he seeks to unlock the Secret of the Inseam and unleash the awaiting Pantaloonatics from their Sartorial Fortress!

Think of the terror if he finds the Frock And Matching Shoes!

My corporation, Lekvar Unlimited is standing by to send 100 crates of lekvar (both flavors, Plain and Napalm) to help stabilize the situation.
 
 
Maygan
05:46 / 30.05.04
Lord Morgue, you rock! When I say rocks, I try pronouncing like Avnil Lavigne say it when she say that's why the Olympics rock on TV. And my mother say I can only manage to get a indian as my wife. Not that I want a wife. But I can't just leave some web sites to go unvisited.
 
 
Lord Morgue
09:32 / 30.05.04
Have a care, lekvar, my wrath is foaming and the range of my multiple-stage werfer is far. Denim Lad's pitiful sartorial prowess cannot possibly contain the powers he meddles with! Maybe if he had a really good line of stretch denim with double stitching but NO!
Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!
And if I want your delicious Hungarian sweetmeats I will TAKE them! Take them and EAT them!

WHEEZE.
And thank you, Maygan. I do indeed rock like a rocking thing on an officially authorised rocking day with some form of hypothetical electric device for the facilitation of ROCK. Your kind words will not go unforgotten in the new order. How would you like to be Minister for Judging Miss India?
 
 
lekvar
11:37 / 30.05.04
Curse you Morgue! You think that just because you know my dark secret you can simply TAKE my delicious Hungarian plum preserves (Plain and Napalm)?!? Never! Even now my corporate lackeys are filling the robot ants with sweet spreads! Your dirigibles will plummet, weighted down with my rich but healthy cookie filling! My Vice CEO of Aiding and Abetting the Enemy is... well, hopefully doing his job and not taking another three-martini lunch.

You have evoked the Ire of America's #1 Jam and Filling Corporation!
Remember: "No matter how thick you spread it, it's still Lekvar!"
 
 
Lord Morgue
14:16 / 30.05.04
EEEEHEEEHEEHEEEHEEE! The robot ants are Grey Area's bag, baby, I'm sure he'll be thrilled to find out you've lubricated his tinkertoys with sweet, sweet plum butter.
And if K-Diddy's Zeppelins can lift a payload of napalm-filled DroppenPanzers, I'm sure they can handle a little cookie dough. By the way, how did you like my little "gift"? By my calculations, my Intercontinental Ballistic Werfing trajectory should have engulfed your HQ in corrosive Kimchi. I trust the subtle blend of fermented cabbage, garlic, chilli and ginger has not gone unappreciated by your sensitve nasum...
 
  
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