Ok, ok, i've made this hole myself, and i'll take your advice. I pm'd Tom about comments in Rage's thread and my other comments in the Anti-semitism thread here and i think i'm ok, so yeah, i understand where your coming from. I can't really defend myself when i didn't have a clue what the link in the first post in Rage's thread actually was, and have hardly any knowledge of the holocaust so i'm wrong and i admit it.
I'm guilty of being lazy, self absorbed and ignorant, i can't deny it and there's no point in doing so.
Also the fact that i'd pissed Mordant off, and that was a shock, becuase i respect Mordant a lot, and that was kind of a wake up call. I should have more respect full stop, and sorry to Dupre aswell for my comments a while back, and thanks to Illmatic and Haus for your patience, especially Haus, who hasn't give me any shit at all in all the time i've been here, and i've deserved it.
Urgh, this is shit. Having to write this feels like an online i don't know what, but i'm starting a course next week so i won't be sat at the pc as much, i'll be on a course sat at a pc instead, but at least i'll be doing something i suppose and be out there with other people more instead of holed up in my bedroom most of the time.
How embarrasing is this? Stuff it, i'm sick of defending my flimsy ego, it's getting boring.
I left another board because i was spending too much time on the computer and had personal stuff to sort out, but instead i came here and got into chaos magick and loads of other stuff which was amazing beyond description, but i still have stuff i need to sort out.
Anyway, Anti-semitism thread : i thought that it would be discussed openly and without problems when the Temple/Switchboard thread got made, and was wrong. Then i'm waffling about the subject and i don't have a clue about it, but i thought that one group of people would present facts for, then one against and then there would be a conclusion. Turns out it's more complicated than that and now i'm out of it.
Rage's thread : Didn't have a clue what it was about again, then waded in whilst pissed still not having a clue what it was about and wound people up.
It's just that i've had a lot of laughs reading Rage's stuff and i identify with her quite a lot, so maybe i was being biased. The other thing was that reading the reactions to her post/link/art it reminded me of the reactions i often got when posting mad stuff in conversation, so not knowing what the picture really was and then seeing all of the following posts i thought it was out of order. Thought it was, now that i know i can see why the reactions are there more than i could do at first.
One thing that probably wound me up and that still grates a little is that maybe Rage regrets posting that, she also said she's going through hard times and requested that it be deleted but then it got left for some reason, maybe i should go back and check, but if Rage is gutted about the whole thing and really regrets posting it in the first place then i just feel that it's a little wrong that it's still in the top of the creation forum and she's still getting flak for it.
Anyway, i didn't make this to fan the flames of that argument, i made this to admit again that i'm wrong on more counts than i can probably remember right now.
I feel dehydrated, depressed, pissed off, and sick of drawing attention to myself in other peoples threads and rotting them like Haus said in his own way, so the last thing i feel like doing is defending an ego that has more holes than a teabag.
I've just got all of my Magick stuff, bagged it, and put it in the back of the cupboard because i'm in no state whatsoever to be pretending i'm an ubermage, and it would be pretty damn dangerous, so i'm chilling for a while now and am gonna try and get myself sorted out. By taking advice aswell as calming down.
Like i said, for the first time since i came here, the first time an about a year now, i'll actually be out of the house monday to friday and doing something in a weeks time, so maybe things will pick up from there.
Sorry again, and instead of going around in circles i'll take some of your advice, (to the numerous people that have given me it, and thankyou for it) i'm happy that this is here and not rotting other peoples discussions because it's getting stupid now.
So yeah, there goes a big chunk of the ego, it feels horrible but it had to be done, because i've been guided towards some really amazing experiences in the Magick/Temple that a lot of you outside of it maybe wouldn't believe, and so i think i owe it back to this place to be straight for once.
I'm not cracking up or anything, don't worry about me, i think the worst is over, i've just hit the breakpeddle and needed to do this because it's not just one or two of you that have got pissed with me now, it's quite a lot.
To anon : yeah, i've really caved this time. I think i should get out more, or stop abusing the Magick. |
