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Ninjas vs. Pirates: High Noon on the Poopdeck

We're The Great Old Ones Now

09:09 / 12.05.04

You tiny pirate-men and low and insufficient pirate women have insulted the honour of our temple! Your miserable cutlass skills would embarrass a pregnant yak! With your foolish yo-ho-hoing and your ludicrous trousers, you bring disrepute on warriors everywhere, and your existence is a stinkiness which irks our refined and lethal noses!

Behold our splendidly-made weapons and elegant fighting attire! What have you to offer the world except bilges, incontinent parrots, and quasi-Baroque sexual innuendo? We are big. You are tiny! We are flipping out, you are rolling around drunk!

Bring your big ship and your barbequeing and as many dubious sword references as you want! The mighty ninja are fed to the black-clad, disappearing, martial-artist back teeth with the lot of you! Bow down or be made into yakitori for fish, shouty rum-drinking fools!!!

Format:

Tycho: Pirate man, you filth, I stab at you! All your blouses are belong to us!

Random Pirate Enemy: Ar, me lad, I avoids your stabbing with me drunken reeling, and I burps alcoholic fumes upon ye!

T: My breath-holding skill defeats you! I jump into the air and stand on your silly hat!

RPE: Me hat contains a pirate monkey, you fighting fool! He runs you through the foot...

And so on...

09:50 / 12.05.04

Arr...ye survy pajama-clad pansy, we be runnin' up the jolly roger to yer feckless fart of a challenge!

10:55 / 12.05.04

As a pirate, I refuse to engage in conflict with anyone who does not own a ship. Without a ship to fire on, I can't yell cool things like "FIRE A BROADSIDE!" and my chances of earning booty (be it gold or the other kind-o-booty) are drastically diminished when fighting an enemy who brings nothing with him but his weapons and the occasional raw fish. Furthermore, I'm surprisingly eloquent for a pirate, and thus deserve a very tasty dish of ice cream about now.
(hmmm... I may reconsider participation if space pirates are allowed in the fray...)

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:36 / 12.05.04

Arr, bring it on, ye pyjama-clad nancies! I swings me cutlass at yer sneaky face, ye scurvy dog!

11:57 / 12.05.04

A touch of the trickster about this one...

Its got to be pirates everytime. You get to drink, rape, pillage, blow shit up and play with about six navies. Then you go back to your pirate hideout to drink some more have gay sailor sex and look at your treasure. In the Caribbean.

Ninjas on the other hand spend all of thier lives living like monks doing really hard training eating rice so they can be assasins for someone elses benifit. Whats the point in being sweet if you're invisible?.... ;0p

'And really bad eggs...drink up, me 'earties, yo ho.'

12:50 / 12.05.04

tee hee, you said "poopdeck"

No star here laces

13:27 / 12.05.04

The lead ninja's retreat before your cutlass swing, fooling the pirates into thinking they are retreating, before executing a complex manoeuvre involving forming the base of a human pyramid. Suddenly silver-painted ninjas appear and climb onto the pyramid, followed by gold-painted ninjas.

The pirates are fooled by the gold and silver colours into thinking there is treasure to be had, and throw down their cutlasses and begin to battle one another for the rights to the booty. While the pirates are distracted the ninjas launch a simultaneous white-crane spiral punch attack.

13:37 / 12.05.04

Glandie, you've got it all wrong!

Ninjas don't live like monks. you're thinking of samurai or, well, monks. ninjas are precisely not acsetic. that's why they're evil - they use their kung fu skills for personal gain and exploitation. plenty of raping and pillaging for the ninjas. huzzah!

true the training is a bit more rigorous, but it pays off. you can't take a ninja out of hir element. land or sea, mountain or sky, the ninjas shall destroy you all! wha-ha-ha-ha-ha! but put a pirate on land, or worse yet in the air, and what have you got? a big old bowl of nuttin', honey.

though i do wish we ninjas drank more...mmmm, sake...ninjas also have magical, mystical powers. plus no one can see our face or they must perish immediately! we are the awesomest...

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:32 / 12.05.04

Look, you rotten lot, this isn't a thread to talk about the relative merits of ninjas and pirates. You can do that on your own time. This is a battle royal of silken excellence and hearty pugilism. Hence all that stuff in italics, yes? You take whatever has just happened and you respond according to your lights. You make it as funny as possible, or as vengeful, or as elegant. Whatever. Enough with the chitchat. Commence battle, or fall by the wayside.

Tiny pirate fools.

16:42 / 12.05.04

I sneer coldly at this exchange of heated air, then reel forward and bellow, "Swinish poltroon! The time for talk has passed. Now, let us steel our tongues, and have our steel tongues do our talking! Have at ye!"
Cutlass suddenly in hand, I lunge....

We're The Great Old Ones Now

19:58 / 12.05.04

Feh! Your arm is locked and your body is over-extended! Ninjas backflip with insolent slowness and assume stances with complicated names! The short ninja on the left reads poetry at you! The large one on the right is whittling a scale model of the Cupola in Rome while he waits for you to recover your balance!

One pirate?! ONE?

The ninja eight-year-old who cleans the Dojo can handle one pirate before his rice crackers!

20:00 / 12.05.04

I deftly dodge your drunken lunge and twist your wrist in the dreaming tiger grip of ultimate pain, you slovenly swashbuckling bilge pump!

20:01 / 12.05.04

damnit!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:50 / 13.05.04

Curses! Pipsqueak ninja over-eagerness causes a stylish and elegant disaster! The awkward combination of Dreaming Tiger with my Dance of the Fatal Cartographer yields the somewhat less impressive Stance of the Abject Binocculars. Ninja-tastrophe! Only excellent reflexes save ninjas from inopportune skewering. The poetic ninja accidentally treads on a parrot.

Ninjas recover their pose and resume the attack...

01:25 / 18.05.04

I think most of you are forgetting that ninjas tend to wail on guitars which have the extreme awesomosity to burst pirate eardrums and causes parrots to explode. Ninja guitars are cool and by cool I mean totally sweet.

To the max.

06:01 / 18.05.04

Your poor nutrition
And shoddy depth perception
Shall bring you defeat.

The skull and cross bones,
Shall be replaced by your shorts;
Be spanked by my fan.

06:13 / 18.05.04

Since there appear to be no actual pirates around at this hour, having passed out drunk some hours ago, Dammerung-san sneaks about and undoes all the rigging on the ship, doing the cool ninja leaping about thing. This may not accomplish anything, but it'll take a long time to retie all those knots.

07:48 / 18.05.04

The pirates, returning from a great evening out that featured them spending their recent treasure haul on ale and whores, see your damage to the rigging. Shrugging, they manoever the ship into drydock for repairs, and use their drunken bravado to capture not one, but two replacement ships. Remarkably, one of these turns out to be a rum transport. Celebration ensues.

12:36 / 18.05.04

For the last friggin time, you proles:

One lone cowboy rides up in the gloaming dusk, unleashes a hell of wet leather and flying lead, and slaughters every doaggie-rustling one of you. He lassos the ninjas and cold-cocks the whadayacallits, then calmly regards your steaming, bleeding carasses, tips back his hat, and builds a small, smokeless fire, at which he cooks up some beans and a pot of chickory coffee, and squats in the cooling wind, playing softly on his harmonica. In the morning, he heads to Amarillo to collect his reward.

pointless and uncalled for

13:43 / 18.05.04

Once again the foolish pirates have fallen for the old "ship full of rum" routine. Soon they will learn the hard way that the rum was laced with high quantities of EXLAX.
As yet the seldom killer has remained unseen and undetected.

What other nefarious traps have been left in your clouded path?

We're The Great Old Ones Now

15:03 / 18.05.04

Oh, horror! The flatulent pirates are incautious regarding naked flames! Even ninjas are appalled by the resultant explosion, and fall to the ground to mourn noble adversaries detonated in a sudden and malodourous explosion!

Ninjas prepare sake and delicacies for a banquet in the pirates' honour... But who is this who is coming? Surely not one of the Great Pirates? Even ninjas think twice before assailing this one!!!

Ninjas flip out, turn invisible, prepare...

15:28 / 18.05.04

Pirates don't die. They turn into zombie pirates:

Zombie pirates who are masses of living flame that cannot be doused with water! Who shoot great fireballs at ninja pansies! Shiver me timbers, 'tis great to be dead!!!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

16:32 / 18.05.04

Ninjas flip out, chain ludicrous pirate flambe to rock, roast marshmallows! Oooh, full of sugary goodness!

Ninjas are fat and sticky, fall asleep, get flogged by ninja master, partly because they are asleep on watch, partly because they save him no marshmallows.

Ninjas rock.