Barbelith Underground > Film, TV & Theatre

Ladies and Gentlemen: I propose the Van Helsing drinking game. To be best enjoyed with Red Witches (for the uninitiated, that’s a pint of snakebite and black with a double vodka and a shot of Sambuca).

- Two fingers for every world religion referenced in the bizarrely ecumenical Vatican Batcave.

- Two fingers for every time Faramir, Wolverine, Underworld or Frankenstein’s Monster display Spiderman’s agility while swinging on whatever comes to hand.

- Two fingers for every time absinthe is referenced.

- Two fingers for every time Dracula shouts his dialogue. Half a pint when he asks Wolverine, at the movie’s climax, whether they can “Just be friends.”

- Two fingers every time Faramir refers to himself as a Friar.

- Two fingers every time Frankenstein’s Monster delivers inexplicably omniscient exposition. On the subject of FM’s dialogue, he has two of the funniest moments in the movie; screaming “WHY?” at the gathered crowd (who behave with a mob mentality to rival the citizens of Springfield from the Simpsons) before falling into the heart of a burning windmill; and his rant when he’s carried into the masquerade ball (yes, you heard that right: this film has a masquerade ball. In which everyone is a vampire, bar Wolverine, Underworld and Frankenstein’s Monster. Jesus wept over Jerusalem).

- Two fingers every time a character is electrocuted.

- Two fingers whenever a character is set on fire, three if they happen to be a midget, four if they’re a chattering midget, five if it’s a prop that catches fire without rhyme or reason.

- Three fingers for every time a brilliant gadget is totally misused. Ever go werewolf hunting with only one gun that can fire silver bullets? Or forget that you have a hand grenade that creates the effect of pure sunlight when all your villager buddies are getting killed by newborn vampires? A well-aimed bucket seems to be of much more use in the latter scenario, especially if you’re a randy Christian who needs a shag for your chivalry.

- Three fingers for every time the Van Helsing theme kicks in. Which - to be honest - should have been played by Van Halen, shouldn’t it?

- Three fingers for every baffling reference to Jay-Z’s Black Album. God forgive me for my brash delivery, but I remember vividly what this film did to me. I’m not making this up. Seriously.

- Four fingers for every time a werewolf falls into a ravine. Wile Coyote, eat your heart out.

- One sip for every testicle-shaped vampire cocoon that you can count. That’s a lot of drinking. While you’re at it, consider why Dracula wants to unleash an army so vast as to wipe out his only food source in a matter of days. His sole motivation seems to arise from being hen-pecked by the three most atrocious actors ever to turd on a cinema screen.

- A sip every time a vampire swoops down and picks someone up. That’s also a lot of drinking.

- Half a pint whenever a major plot point is discovered by accident (Faramir finding the painting, Underworld and Wolverine locating Castle Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s Monster’s Lair to name three without even thinking).

- A whole pint downed at the very first of the closing credits (if you can manage it through your tears of laughter). This is the movie’s punchline and probably one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in the cinema.

This list can’t be exhaustive. Please add to it. And then use it when this steaming mound of rancid arse is released on DVD.

The Demiurge is inept, blind and madder than a bagful of crabs soaked in diarrhoea. This film is proof.