Barbelith Underground > Temple

...ok.

I just returned from lunch with my parents. Of course we had a fight... This time over what I ordered... You see, this process or whatever it is that I have been going through has turned me into a vegetarian. And I used to be a BIG meat eater. Carnivorousness was almost like my religion. And all of a sudden...I stopped. I can't even LOOK at meat now without gagging. That's how I know that something real is happening. It's had an actual, physical affect on my body. I'm also a lot happier. I haven't had a depressed thought in weeks.

So. Flash forward. I continued to experiment every night with being able to control and manipulate these "visions" that I was having. Now, I've asked eveyone that I know who's into drugs at all and none of them know what the hell I'm going on about. "Visions? What do you mean?" they say. "I don't see anything when I'm high, not on pot..." So I stopped talking about it. I began to wonder if I was going insane.

My thoughts have been expanding. I'm making connections, linking things up. It's amazing. I learned how to remember what I was "learning" while high, because usually it's difficult. I would have these theories and ideas when I was high but when I came down I would invariably forget them. But I learned how to remember... I started writing my thoughts down as they were happening. At first it was difficult, but with practice it became easier. Smoother. Like automatic writing. The thoughts would just leave my head, travel down my arm and enter the page. No thinking. No self-censorship. Just flowing information.

And what I've been coming up with has been amazing. I can see the big picture now. Listen, I know I sound like a fucking hippy, but I'm not joking. I'm making connections, like I said. Linking bits of information together, seeing things from a higher vantage point. I'm also really into science, so I began to come up with physical reasons to back up the ideas I've been having, about how the Universe is a single organism, a giant, self-evolving, self-perfecting system. It's all about Evolution and the flow of information through "time." And I started to realize something. This was just like the cosmology of "The Invisibles." I finally was beginning to understand what Grant was saying. I mean, I had loved the comic for years. I'd read the damn thing a dozen times, but I never...REALLY...understood it. So, I re-read the whole series. And while I had read and re-read the individual issues many times over, for some reason I never read the whole thing through at once. So I did. And BOOM. I got it, you know? I understood it. All of it. I know what the Harlequinade are. I understood all about the Hand of Glory. I know what the Roswell "alien" is and more importantly, what it represents. "As above, so below." OF COURSE. YES. The universe is a giant holographic fractal, right? And it's generated by the combination and transcendence of binaries. One and zero. "Good" and "evil." "Me" and "you." It's like Taoism, isn't it? The Supercontext is like the Tao. I get it.

That was a week ago. The time since then has been one long, shining stretch of coincidence. Of syncronicity. And yesterday was the best one yet.

In the newest issue of New Scientist there's an article about time and how it's all an illusion. And the theory the scientist had to explain this were EXACTLY the same as the ideas that I've been having recently. EXACTLY. It was fucking uncanny.

And last night...well, last night I think I was...abducted. Or initiated. Or became schizophrenic. Or maybe they're all the same thing.

Because, last night...last night I understood something else. I think I understood magick, and what it's all about. And I finally understood what a fucking "hypersigil" is, and how it might work. Because...well, because I think I met Barbelith last night. It was...miraculous? No. I can't think of the word. The world of the "comic book" "The Invisibles" came out of the pages of the pages and engulfed me. I was Ragged Robin, writing her way into the story.

It was like I had dissolved. My ego was gone. I was "one with the Universe," however cheesy and corny-60's-joke that sounds. And I met something. Might as well call it Barbelith. But it might have also been Jesus. I think they're the same thing. And all of a sudden...I knew something. I knew that I had a choice. Something had contacted me and was asking me a question. Did I want to keep being afraid and occluded from true reality or did I want to know more? I decided I wanted to know. But I was still scared.

And then it hit me, all at once. I realized why this board is called Barbelith. And why my screen name, my fiction suit (I understand that one, too), is "kingfelix23." That can't be a fucking coincidence.

So I sat here last night and I attempted to make contact. I was so fucking scared... I needed help. I prayed, for the first time in my life. I actually fucking prayed. I was crying and scared and trembling but I knew I had to do it. I wrote what I wrote, and I waited. For what, I don't know. I needed help.

And...I forgot that I was composing a message on a message board on the internet. I thought I was really talking to Barbelith. I thought I was "rejoining the ultimate conscpiracy," like the Harlequinade told Mr. Six. I was Dane in the House of Fun. I was Helga, high on Key 23 and reading an alien language.

But then, then I was Edith. And I knew what her story was about. How her life and "death" was a microcosm of the life and "death" of the cosmos. How dying is only being born into something else, and how we perceive this metamorphosis as something to fear. Because the introduction of "not me" elements into the ego and vice-versa is frightning. But if there is only one time, there is only one death, for everyone everywhere.

Anyway. I all of a sudden became certain that I was about to die. That my heart rate was too high, my blood pressure too high, everything too high. I was going to have a heart attack and my parents would find me here, dead. And I was being asked to choose. Did I want to keep going? Did I want to experience it all? And I balked. I respectfully declined. I said that I was thankful for the opportunity but that I didn't want to die yet. I wasn't ready.

I'm not ready.

But I am ready for this. I'm finally ready to step out from the shadows and enter the fray. I'm writing this message, for one. Never thought I'd be able to do that.

I'm going to ask this girl that I like at work for a date on Monday.

I feel good.

Kind of silly, but good.

Has anyone else felt these things? Please, I know you're out there. Please. Tell me I'm not alone.

Please.

I'm back