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This is a position on the war which is very well spoken, read and be enlightened, or not, whatever...
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: John Fenderson
bbc@singlenesia.com
The Barry Bittwister Cabal Thinks The President Is Groovy
"They can only get inside your head if you keep an open mind."
Bureaucracy 62, 3168
The Barry Bittwister Cabal wishes to publicly acknowledge and support the wise leadership presented to us by His Eminence, George Bush. Because our televisions have told us so, we all know that Our Leader's push for war with Iraq is both correct and just. If you don't believe this, you're a traitor and the terrorists have won. All real Americans see the need to attack Iraq right now. Some of our Discordian brethren have expressed that this view is counter to core Discordian values. We explain here why this is not so.
In the Discordian tradition every man, woman and child on Earth is a Discordian Pope, and some consider the inevitible wholesale slaughter of large numbers of exalted religious personalities to be just plain mean, if not downright offensive. We feel compelled to remind them that Saddam Hussein regularly kills and tortures his own people. Iraq has been at war with somebody or another since forever. These people are used to it. War to them is like a head cold to us. They don't mind. Really. Besides, there's a certain pleasing symmetry to the notion of engaging in what amounts to wholesale murder of these people in order to save them from a homicidical maniac. It brings back the memory of the pleasant aroma of Napalm in the morning. Smell it?
Saddam is a very evil man. If you've been paying attention to your programming, you know well that Evil + Evil = Good. Let's review: Saddam is Evil, We Want Good. Plugging the values into the equation, we see that Our Leader has no choice but to do Evil. But it's not that bad, because Evil gets us Good, and so it must, in itself, be Good. Logically, Evil is Good.
Our Leader perceives that conquering Iraq will liberate vast quantities of oil into the pockets of Him and His Masters. Reagan taught us all about the "trickle down" method of bettering everyone's lives, and so we should support Him in His efforts, rather than stand in His way. That way, the Iraqi people will benefit by feasting on the crumbs that He accidentally drops from His table.
Many Discordians believe that it is OK to murder people so long as they give consent, at least implicitly (by attempting to murder you first, for instance). Bringing this up seems fruitless since Iraq has obviously not given such consent. But think: Once we attack Iraq we have given them permission to murder us, which they will undoubtably take advantage of. This brings about the fortuitous circumstance of us only engaging in unprovoked assault once, since after retaliation we'll be engaging in self defense! As we all know, it's OK to eat dogshit if you only eat a little.
The Principia Discordia advises: "Don't Let THEM Immanentize The Eschaton." One way to interpret this is that Discordians should prevent Our Leader's attempt to bring on armageddon, since that's our job and we haven't agreed on how to do it yet. We argue that we can remain lazy by simply doing nothing to oppose Our Leader - thus joining Him. Then our "They" becomes their "Us".
As a parting statement, we offer one small bonus thought. We confess that Our Leader's insistance on perverting the very soul of Americanism by officially reviving the corrupt policy of Manifest Destiny under the pleasant-sounding name of "preemption" doesn't really look too good. But never fear! Might makes right, even when it doesn't, so America can't be wrong. Besides, not one of you, nor Our Leader or His Masters, will have to look a single Iraqi mother in the eye as she weeps over the baby we paid to have killed. If you can't see the fnords, they can't eat you.
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With Love,
The Barry Bittwister Cabal |
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