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A(nother) funeral. Yesterday.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:38 / 16.04.04

Went to a very strange funeral yesterday. It was a guy I used to know from work, who, in (I think) his fifties, died in his bed when his pancreas basically exploded, brought on by too much booze.

I was never particularly close to the guy, but I liked him, and he made a good drinking partner. As a result, with the exception of a couple of other people from work, I didn't know anyone there, which was strange in itself.

The speech was given by his best friend, and was quite possibly the angriest thing I've ever heard at a funeral. Filled with rage and bitterness about how the guy could have and should have been so much more, and that such an amazing dude should have been able to change the world. In short, it was the kind of speech I'd have given if it was one of MY best mates' funeral.

Every funeral I've ever been to previously has been more a celebration of life rather than anger at death, and I've always found them fairly hypocritical- even my own grandmother's left me sitting there thinking "No, that's bullshit, you're just telling us what we want to hear, she WAS an amazing woman but not the way you're painting her".

In the end, myself, Hattie's Kitchen and another friend of ours decided we couldn't face the wake so we went to drink to him elsewhere.

It was kind of scary- as many of you know, alcohol problems are a subject close to my own internal organs... it was weird, y'know?

Sorry. Just getting it off my chest, cos I haven't really felt like talking to anyone about it yet.

07:58 / 16.04.04

Funerals are a tough thing to get right. I suppose the "done thing" is to say nice words about the dear departed - after all, they're going to have family there who probably expect the platitudes and might not want to be "challenged" by the speakers.

I went to a former work colleagues' funeral a couple of months ago, and one of his old work mates from another paper gave a weird speech... it was more like a speech you'd give someone who was leaving an office rather than who had just died. In the end it degenerated into a load of booze-fuelled anecdotes which, while funny, didn't feel exactly right.

What I'd do if the mantle of funeral speech maker passed to me for a good pal, I don't know, really. There's a balance to be struck, I suppose.

08:12 / 16.04.04

Weird I was just thinking along the same lines last night, makes me wonder what kind of deal I want when I go - last one I went to was my Grans and it was your typical hyms and bible deal which was what would be expected due to the age of the crowd but my little cousins was very different with modern music rather than hyms which affected me a whole lot more people the pop kinda guy I am...

The thing that really gets pissed me off was all the talk of Jesus, the minster would talk about my Gran and then do a little sales pitch for Jesus but I guess that's a comfort for most of the people there....

I think I want my funeral in a pub or maybe online!

08:27 / 16.04.04

Sorry to hear about it Stoatie - fuckin' sucks...

I think the British Humanist Association got it right at my Dad's funeral. The guy who was officaiting came round and spend a few hours with the family, basically interviewing me, my mum and my sister about my Dad and his life history. He then adpated this into a little speech that he gave, punctuated with music and readings from me and my brother. I read out a poem which he'd half remembered to me the last time we sat up talking. It was a celebration of his life, and was the right thing to do ... the BHA guy even got them to take the crucifix down! (My Dad being a stauch aethist). It felt much more personal and real to me and all the people that knew him... My only regret is that I had to fight down some of the emotion that was welling up to do the reading properly. Could have done with some weeping and wailing, I think.

Anyways, best wishes..

09:26 / 16.04.04

Yeah, sorry to hear about that man. Funerals suck big time.

10:26 / 16.04.04

Sorry, Stoatster.

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

11:12 / 16.04.04

Ah, well.

It's just a Ride.

20:12 / 16.04.04

Funerals *are* weird. I've never had a friend die, so all my funeral experience has been family.

Here's a weird thing: me and Mr. Jester just got back from 3 months travelling. I went to see my aunt, and have dinner, etc, and just in passing it was mentioned that my great uncle had died. Not that I knew him, or anything, it was just weird that he died and noone mentioned it at the time. He was a character, totally cut off from the rest of the family (more power to him, I say

), and pretty interesting. Aparently his lover of 30 years turned up, but no one in the rest of the family even knew he had a partner until the day of his funeral.

The only funeral I've been to was my mum's. That was pretty crazy. My grandparents arranged it, and it was a total orthadox jewish funeral: totally unrelated to my mum, what her life was about. She was a hippy at heart, who wanted to be buried under a tree in the countryside somewhere. That was a weird experience. The men and women attending had to sit in different parts of the building, and some rabbi (i mistyped that rabbit first time around

) did the stange singing/wailing business. It was a total cop out, as far as making it something to do with my mum is concerned. She was totally unreligious. She would have dug the humanist funeral thing.

I bet it is a totally different experience going to a friends' funeral though.

20:20 / 16.04.04

Actually, I'd quite like a bit more anger at funerals. My father's funeral (over a decade ago) was a weirdly anodyne affair, with the minister drawing parallels with the Good Samaritan (uhh, what?) and talking a whole load of Christian-Lite bollocks that showed, conclusively, that he'd never actually met my father. Not living, anyway.

Whisky Priestess

21:14 / 16.04.04

I think you're right about the need for more anger, particularly when the world is poorer without that person and/or they've died relatively young. Remind everyone what they're missing.

And, obviously, provide an incredible amount of food and drink.

22:07 / 16.04.04

Welllll... I wanted to get up and say, for fuck's sake, in what way was my father remotely like the Good Fucking Samaritan? My dad wasn't especially religious, and rarely went to church - yet the church had a monopoly on his death, and insisted on manufacturing a whole load of vague, mealy-mouthed bollocks which forced him into existing theological templates, whether or not he actually fitted. It was a pile of shite.

*breathes deeply*

Not that I have, ah, 'issues', or anything...

03:22 / 17.04.04

I was at an infant girl's wake a couple of months ago.

The twenty minutes I could bear being there were spent seeing the family crying their eyes out.

The baby didn't even look real.

And I thought Eraserhead was disturbing...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:11 / 17.04.04

Oh yeah, definitely the anger was a good thing. It was just unexpected. As I say, if I was giving the eulogy for one of my best mates, I'd be REALLY fucking pissed off.

Whale... Whale... Fish!

13:22 / 17.04.04

Been to one today. It was my neighbour's who I'd lived across the road from for all my life. Kinda weird, especially with the Baptist minister, who is a scary loud Ulster man.

But that's the 3rd time in as many years that I've been home from uni I've had to attend a funeral and I think that the only time I see some people is at funerals. Which is kinda weird.

Each of the 3 funerals I've attended in the last few years habe been so different. My friend's mum's funeral was a memorial mass, and it was the only time I have aver been to mass. Last year I went to a school friends memorial service, which strange as he was only 21.

But today was the first time I've been to a burial. Feeling a bit odd but I think that was partly down to the minister who was a strange man.

When my turn comes, I don't want a christian service, despite my mother's complaints, as I am an aethist and after trying so hard not to be hypocritical in life I certainly don't want to be in death.