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Unclehood or aunthood?

06:49 / 30.03.04

So my sister has just had a baby,* and I am trying to decide whether I want to be an uncle or an aunt. On the whole, I am leaning towards unclehood, as (a) I think uncles are more dashing, and (b) uncles do that thing where they pretend to find a coin behind your ear (does anyone know how I can learn to do that? I have a couple of years to practice, I think, before the baby will appreciate it).

Anyone got any good or bad experiences of unclehood or aunthood to help me make up my mind?

*It's covered with hair and looks like a tiny monkey, apparently, which has gone a long way to reconciling me to the whole situation.

06:59 / 30.03.04

Congratulations!

I think auntiehood has all sorts going for it too. You can choose between a variety of models:

-- the naughty auntie who lets kiddo get up to stuff hir parents never would

-- the controlling auntie who decides right from birth what that child is going to be and do because xe's 'just like me, so I know' (can you spot I have one of these?)

-- the scary auntie with the bristly chin, who insists on slobbery kisses at every opportunity. Children need something to rebel against.

-- the competitive auntie whose children are always so much better than any nieces and nephews. This could be tricky if you don't want kids but I'm sure you could have the same attitude about your dogs or garden gnomes or hairy monkeys.

07:00 / 30.03.04

In my experience, aunthood gives you more opportunity to (1) spoil the kid rotten, and (2) be generally loopy/artistic/non-parental by example. The position of uncle is more like taking on an apprentice and teaching the kid loopy/artistic actively, as a respectable trade.

07:04 / 30.03.04

Hmm. I should say that my girlfriend has baggsed "wacky bohemian aunt" (roughly Ariadne's "naughty aunt", but with more scarves) and my brother will probably bags "stoner uncle". Is a range of aunt/uncle types important? (I never had any extended family, which is why I look to you, barbelith, to... Actually, that's kind of scary.)

I'm quite keen on the "uncle as master to nephew's apprentice" model so far. Would I have to smoke a pipe? (Oh, God. I've just realized: for the DWJ readers on the board, I think I want to be Christopher Chant's evil Uncle Ralph.)

07:12 / 30.03.04

Your girlfriend as bohemian auntie demands that you be the pipe-smoking, apparently staid and stern uncle who is actually completely fucking insane.

"Now now, darling, don't you go filling the boy's head with that twee claptrap. C'mon, lad, let's build a robot out of peanut butter and see if we can't infiltrate Parliament demanding a new jelly tariff, wot?"

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:28 / 30.03.04

I've only ever been an uncle... being an uncle's cool. The kids think you're ace and enigmatic and want to play with you, but they don't expect you to solve any problems for them, cos you don't have that whole maternal thing going on.

08:03 / 30.03.04

Be an untie. Or an auncle. And define the template.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

08:48 / 30.03.04

I'm "weird uncle" and it's starting to pay off. I also have a monopoly on "unsuitable advice and opinions" since the "that's the arse of truth" discussion with my brother's nine-year-old in front of a tryptich BW photo of an aged backside. In your case, Deva, may I suggest 'oracular, almost psychic aunt"?

Regrettable Juvenilia

09:02 / 30.03.04

I also recently became an uncle: the child has hipster Shoreditch hair and a furry forehead, but otherwise resembles myself as a bairn (glint of unearthly intelligence in the eyes, that kind of thing). I plan to kidnap the child regularly for [de]programming weekends in London, where it will learn of strange mysteries like art galleries and garage rock.

09:32 / 30.03.04

As a new aunty myself, I'm in a similar state of confusion. Seeing as my boyfriend has a moustache and occasionally affects a pipe, it looks like he gets the eccentric uncle job - am I now obliged to wear coloured tights (um, check) and ride a bicycle (definitely not check)? Ought I to give the wee nipper whisky and teach him to play backgammon yet, or should I at least wait till he's one?
It's a minefield.

09:55 / 30.03.04

How about being the kind of uncle I am, which would best described as The Climbing-Frame Uncle. The one who's 6'3" and therefore spends most of the family gatherings festooned with clambering kids who treat him like a set of mobile monkey bars. You gotta love 'em, really, but don't wear your best clothes to gatherings if you're this kind of uncle.

11:37 / 30.03.04

Oh, unclehood just rocks. There aren’t any permanent aunties around here, and my younger brother has nabbed the boringly straight-but-very-rich uncle role for himself. I’m successfully managing to combine weird uncle with all the elements of dotty bohemian aunthood I fancy. It depends how flush/busy I am, I guess. Anyway, I’ve assumed ‘responsibility’ for joining my niece for painting and football and music. Who wouldn’t? Surely an uncle’s place is just to sow chaos and join in with the fun, I can recommend it. You haven’t lived until you’ve taught a three-year old how to sing Smokestack Lightnin’, complete with all the top-of-your-voice howling at the end; and maybe when she gets a bit older we’ll deal with how to cook spicy food, cause that’s always good messy colourful smelly fun. Er, that’s what I think when I’m cooking, anyway.

Cheap. Easy. Cruel.

11:50 / 30.03.04

I have been an uncle since the age of three. I have always been the eccentric and somewhat naughty uncle. I took it upon myself to teach my nieces and nephews to be open-minded and well rounded. I have recently become a grand-uncle and will now begin to warp my nieces and nephews children in much the same way I did them. In fact, my niece suggested I take her son down to the river parks when he was in his stroller so I could meet women. I taught them well.

Tryphena Absent

12:18 / 30.03.04

I am not an Auntie but I assume I'll be Aunt Anna de Logardiere before I'm mother Anna de Logardiere since children do not appeal so I think Aunt-who-sends-books would be the state I'd like to inhabit. Art Deco Cinderella looks like a good one.

13:20 / 30.03.04

I became an uncle a long time ago, when Sister No 1 bred little snotty boys. I felt not a shred of avuncular warmth and I rather get the feeling that they dislike me intensely. Ganesh they won't even talk to. I try to keep a relationship going with Sister No 1 but the old "your kids suck" bit doesn't half get in the way.

Sister No 2 is just altogether a cuddlier, cooler individual (plus her husband's a cutie) and she belatedly got into procreation. From the minute she told me Niece No 1 was on the way, it felt very different, and she and Niece No 2 are absolutely fabulous young whippersnappers with whom it is a joy to spend idle hours watching dvd's and listening to Justin Timberlake. Naturally, Uncle Ganesh, with his basic immaturity and boy band appeal is their hero.

When I moved away from Edinburgh and no longer baby sat or saw them several times a week any more, it was painful. Now they have mobile phones and I get texts all the time reporting on how well a sleep over is going or the latest Tai Kwan Do prize won.

I can almost see why people breed when I think of my nieces. Almost. I suspect there's a large element of Childless Gay Uncles buying extravagant presents our parents can't afford (or disapprove of) easing this relationship.

Now we have entered into a whole new uncly relationship as Godfathers (lightning strike from the end of God's finger soon as She hears) to mini Xoc, son of the House of Hana_bi. I fear for that child's immortal soul.

20:38 / 30.03.04

a close friend of mine had a baby in october. of course my sister (who is also her close friend) and i are the honorary aunts. my friend has sisters, but they live in louisville, kentucky. (i am in chicago, for those who have yet to memorize every detail of my life, and, would you get on that, please.) anyway, my sister's name is ang (short for angeline) and we decided that she will go by "uncle ang," since "aunt ang" is just too hard for a little kid to say.
what effect this will have on the kid's ideas about gender, there's no telling.

beelzebub jones

21:00 / 30.03.04

i'm a great uncle. not just by my actions but by generation. i raised one of my nephews from the time he was ten. kids can be daunting but all you have to do is give them uncoditional love and support. that way you can just remain yourself and they'll thank you for it later.

05:12 / 31.03.04

Well, I'm an auntie for a four-and-a-half year old niece...

I've kind of stepped into the role my aunt played for me - "weird science aunt" - I'm buying books for her, will be making sure her education is well-balanced (inmy opinion, anyway - my strait-laced Catholic sister may have different opinions about what I teach her!).

My brother and his partner seem to have the "doting uncle" roles filled to perfection, but I'm going to try to make sure that my niece is aware that women can look damn good in boydrag, and make decent uncles in a pinch.

06:03 / 31.03.04

I live with my sister and her two nieces (3 and 1), who have a bit of an absentee father, so I serve as a buffer for her single parenthood whenever I can. This largely involves conversing with the 3-year-old (who's a genius, as all children are to the ones they're closest to), serving as a jungle gym for the younger one, reading stories to them, or shuttling them off to other rooms to play with them when their parents fight.

I had a problem with the word 'Uncle' for awhile - it reminded me too much of uncles I've had who've made farting and showing porn to children into a national pastime - but it grew on me. I told them my crutch/cane is an Uncle Stick, and they've both grown very fond of stealing it when I'm not actively using it.

Uncles and Aunts are just words, I wouldn't worry about which fictional archetype of one you are. I find that it helps to try and be a good brother or sister to your sibling who has kids and to take it from there.

The best part about being an uncle to very young children (for me) is watching the gears turn as they assemble their view of the world, or whenever they get a new piece of information to integrate. Watching the building blocks of personality in action.

06:21 / 31.03.04

The important distinction is that uncles buy children drums and xylophones.
Aunts pinch cheeks and exclaim how handsome/pretty the children have become.

Uncles serve as repositories for the essential chaos children require.
Aunts bolster the ego.

Uncles lie often and unconvincingly. ("Did I tell you about the time I caught a yeti?")
Aunts lie rarely and only for the best of reasons.

06:30 / 31.03.04

it helps to try and be a good brother or sister to your sibling who has kids

See, that's not going to happen, right there. Which is probably why I'm so bemused about the whole 'uncle' thing, come to think of it.

Ex

07:04 / 01.04.04

Uncles are avuncular; are aunts tantalising?

The best thing my favourite aunt does is give me perspective on my parents; while I tend to take my mother as the norm, aunt can adjust this by chipping in with some affectionate insults. ("Oh, don't worry, your mother's always been a bit of a freak about dusting...") Very handy. Although possibly good not to start this too early in life (leaning over the cradle and mouthing "Everything they tell you is a lie...").
And I'm not sure this is compatible with not actually getting on with the procreative sibling. I know my aunt genuinely likes my mother. If I tried the same thing ("You know your father's a socially inept nutjob...?") I suspect a very different dynamic would arise.
Hence I find it hard to see myself being an Uncle.

Read PG Wodehouse to the offspring to foreground the vital importance of aunts.

13:46 / 01.04.04

i've been thinking about how many people must think i'm crazy that i think it would be hard for a little kid to say "aunt ang." you have to say "aunt" with a midwestern dialect. and "ang" with a midwestern dialect, too, i guess. not like ang lee, but the way you'd say it if you shortened angela. if you have any questions about this oh-so-important matter, please give me a call and you can hear me pronounce it.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

13:52 / 01.04.04

I know this is off the point, but I was less drunk when I posted earlier...

I hate people. Children especially. But even an old misanthrope like myself had to brush away a tear when asking my niece if she was looking forward to Christmas, and she looked at me, all sincere like, and smiley, and said "Yes, Uncle (my real name here), I think it's going to be the best Christmas ever".

Moments like that make you glad to be alive.

Tryphena Absent

13:52 / 01.04.04

The best thing my favourite aunt does is give me perspective on my parents

My godmother does that though it goes more along the lines of 'me and your mum used to go to parties in an abandoned house on Caledonian Road and watch everyone on acid try to scramble out of the upstairs window.' That really helps my world view at times.

13:59 / 01.04.04

My dad came from a large family so I had aunts & uncles in a range of ages and styles.

The younger ones were like cool older siblings to me - there was Uncle J with his weird cool rock posters and T-bird and waterbed, and Aunt M who was gorgeous and pouty and cool and always wearing black.

The eldest, Aunt J, was quiet and smiling and appealed to my bookish side with novels and paint-by-numbers.

Then my favorites, Aunt N & her husband Uncle T, they were fun & babysat me a lot, and made my favorite meals for me, Aunt N took an interest in my drawings and writing, and Uncle T was jokey and had silly nicknames for me.

I can't wait to be an aunt myself, though it's almost like I already am, having very young half-siblings.

15:07 / 01.04.04

My siblings are younger by twelve and fourteen years respectively and it is fervently to be hoped that I'll make aunts of them before they make one of me. I'm a rather fabulous cousin however, to a boy of twelve who is a mystery to me. His only interest in life seems to be video games, but it's not made him at all horrible. He's sweet and polite and doesn't wipe off my kisses, at least not until I leave the room. I insist on giving books as gifts (not so great, in his opinion) but stuff cash between the pages with the best parts (much better). I heard once that Jews used to write out letters in honey to associate learning with sweetness; this is my take on that charming practice.

Generally the best sort of aunt/uncle is a combination of refuge from parents and education cleverly disguised as entertainment. The nice thing is that it's quite possible to love the child even if you detest the parent.

15:09 / 01.04.04

Oh, and the coin behind the ear is in your hand already, held flat between the tips of two fingers. You just reach back there quickly when the kid's not looking.

XXII:X:II = XXX

16:27 / 01.04.04

Meself, I've been an uncle for almost 4 years now and I love it. My sister tells me she considers me my nephew's third parent. The role becomes all the more important to me since my brother-in-law's two siblings have no involvement with the kid: his sister lives in Oregon, and his brother is completely self-involved. My nephew and I have games that only he and I play, like spinning him around in the air and singing him the theme to "The Lone Ranger" while he rides his rocking horse. I take him to see lots of movies because I have a higher tolerance for cloying kids entertainment than does my sister or her husband. In fact, I'm picking him up from school tomorrow for the first time, after which I'll try to take him to see "Home On The Range."

There are the downsides, of course. I don't feel I'm the ultimate authority, so I don't know how far I can ever go to reprimand him when he acts out. We definitely don't spank or otherwise hit him, and we try to create as positive and supportive an environment for him as we can. Still, there's certain differences I have with my sister about how to deal with certain things, and she's not always completely open to my input, even when I see ways to make the situation easier for all involved. In the end, I'm not his parent: I get to go home, and as much as I hope to always be there for him, if he ever truly fucks up, I'm under no obligation to bail him out or take responsibility for him.

So, it's a mixed bag, but all told I feel it's probably the most important role I've yet had to play in anyone's life.

VJB2

22:57 / 26.01.06

I have a plethora of nephews and nieces who all seem to think that I'm unconditionally cool. It's a bit overwhelming when gathered at family do's and they all vie for my attention but also very heartwarming. It seems to have fallen to me to be the book buying, alternative lifestyle, curmudgeonly uncle who is at times, if encouraged, capable of getting down to their level and having fun. And as the only uncle/aunt who has never obviously settled down into a conventional lifestyle I think they're more inclined to think of me as a peer who they can come to with their problems.

I'm most heartened, however, by the fact that my bookbuying choices for them have always been met with enthusiastic blathering from each individual sproglet. It always gives me a massive altruistic glow when I encourage them in this way especially in those cases less inclined to reading.

Goodness Gracious Meme

23:16 / 26.01.06

Unbekwonst to me, my bro(-in-law) had already nominated me 'cool queer auntie'.

as in 'when they are teenagers, they'll come to stay with me and return home going on about how their parents are 'sooooo boooooring. Like, straight, and monogamous, and knowing nothing about cool hooies'

He fully expects to be fielding questions along the lines of 'why can't you be queer/non-monagamous/live somewhere with cool clothes, you're so tedious'

Asie from a little jostling over whether I'm an auntie, uncle, or an auncle, it works for us.

Also, I'm realising slowly that alot of the pressures I feel about being a decent mashi(mothers younger sister in my mother tongue) are ones I put on myself, and the parents are happy* that I'm excited about being involved and just want me to be me, and a loving presence in their lives.

*and astonished, as am I.