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I feel as if i have to give up lots of things, its a totally irrational feeling, its as if i have spent the last year or so trying to reconstruct a dead person, its not as if i did it for myself but others that remembered me that way, i gave up what i was becoming to help them, at least that is how it seemed at the time, the result has been a kind of self parody of what i once was.
I wonder about the sacrifice of identity and what it means to a person like me who does not have much sense of self but wears selves as a survival strategy. Its kind of like playing a part, taken seriously and felt for all it is, but knowing deep down that its a mask that once served a purpose, but with time you can see all the illusions for what they are now.
Yet behind the mask still remains what i was becoming, before i stepped back into the past, i had learnt to sacrifice the illusions of the past and take a step forward into a person i did not know too well, because i had never really lived as him. I feel as if i have alot of dreams to give up, delusions of self knowledge and understanding again, to move on.
But i am finding it harder to unattach, i know these masks serve me badly and why i used to wear them, but moving on feels like an admission to something i find hard to face, the truth of my own suffering and weakness, my inability to face my true self and cherish it.
I have been doing readings of late where the hanged man keeps coming up, i contemplate that card, especially Crowley's notion of what that means in the idea of a new aeon. I am not sure how to approach the letting go of dreams as being sacred. Letting myself as it is, parody thou it maybe, hurts, letting it die so to speak, more so.
Perhaps it was a futile dream to think i could reclaim what i had once been, yes it was. Perhaps this has been a learning process of learning to give up those false aspirations, Do the parts of ourselves we sacrifice/transmute become sacred? Is not everything sacrificed to time..... How then is it not that everything is sacred, with or without sacrifice? |
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