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OK, fine. World, you win. I can't take any more...

11:28 / 14.03.04

Oh sweet, sweet death.

Well, just think.

No more government, no more bills. No more novels to do with being a Thirty-ish bloke who's just into his football, and struggling a bit with trying to make a committment, ( though he does in the end, ) no more fucking TV about home improvements, about the garden and so on, about boiling a bastard egg.

There must, and shall be, an end to this pain.

So I thought I'd do the following.

Hire a car ( you know, something quite classy, ideally one of those funky stretch limos you'd maybe get for your stag do, so you and your pals can swing through the city like you're stars for a day... god, those are great, ) and then see about lighting it, and then driving that fella off the white cliffs of Dover with " Now That We've Found Love ( What Are We Gonna Do ? ) by Heavy D And The Boyz on repeat on the stereo.

But if anyone's got any better suggestions...

I've got a few hours left.

11:38 / 14.03.04

Alex, thats a really bad idea.........

11:44 / 14.03.04

Well, assuming one has made a rational decision to end it all, one could eschew arch musings on "interesting ways" and just go do it. Alternatively, one could spend the time considering one's true motivation for presenting the topic to other people at all.

11:56 / 14.03.04

Yeah, Alex, stop trying to get attention and kill yourself already!

12:17 / 14.03.04

Yeah come on Alex, what's wrong? What if you top yourself and it's shit?

At least let us try and help you before you seriously think of Now that we've found love and white cliffs of dover.......

I couldn't do it with music on, it would be too freaky. I don't wanna say anything too daft incase you really are in a bad way so i'll stop typing things now............

12:27 / 14.03.04

" One's true motivation for presenting this topic to other people at all. "

Erm... No I'm drawing a blank there. Oh well. Oh dear.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

12:33 / 14.03.04

Seems from your initial post like telly's doing your head in, Alex TaRBI. Maybe you should just chuck your telly off the cliff instead?

13:01 / 14.03.04

Erm... No I'm drawing a blank there. Oh well. Oh dear.

Let me break it down a little, then.

Your initial post is somewhat ambiguous, especially for someone who's not familiar with your online 'voice'. Are you bringing up the subject of kerrrazy suicide methods simply because it's a fun thing to talk about, or are you putting forth a semi-serious (or, let's be charitable, wholly serious) request for "interesting" ways in which you might kill yourself? Or is this a variant on the familiar 'I toy with the idea of suicide; you talk me out of it' theme - with added archness?

You decide.

14:13 / 14.03.04

I agree with Mordant, smash up your telly.

14:22 / 14.03.04

And chuck Nick Hornby over the cliff while you're about it. That should ease your "pain" considerably.

14:41 / 14.03.04

Lets cut the guy a little slack here. Sure, its attention seeking, but who's never done that? I could be wrong, but I think people go through these contortions because they find what they really want to talk about too difficult to approach. Maybe this is more of a "please give me huggles!" thread, from someone who can't face being that direct. (Which is part of what Nesh said, but with a soft covering.)

That said, Alex, presenting yourself in this way does make it harder to respond to you.

14:51 / 14.03.04

No more government, no more bills. No more novels to do with being a Thirty-ish bloke who's just into his football, and struggling a bit with trying to make a committment, ( though he does in the end, ) no more fucking TV about home improvements, about the garden and so on, about boiling a bastard egg

it all goes on without you.

however, if all of us who objected to such things offed ourselves, it would just evolve into a giant beribboned sparkly easter egg of martha stewartlyness. WON'T YOU THINK OF THE EGGS!!!!!!!

14:58 / 14.03.04

Sure, its attention seeking, but who's never done that?

With coy intimations that one just mi-i-ight kill oneself? I've never done that. Met a lot of people who have, though.

15:08 / 14.03.04

And you find that irritating, Nesh? To me it just comes across as desperate.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

15:44 / 14.03.04

Well, to me it came across as slightly extravagent bitching about cookery programmes and Nick Hornby.

15:57 / 14.03.04

I can sympathise with the desire for an original death, Alex, but does your death have to be so expensive? If you want to be original, why not just wear an unusual costume, or choose an unusual location? Hiring a limo just seems extravagant. Why not leave the money you would spend on it for your loved ones? I'm sure it'll soften the blow somewhat.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

16:39 / 14.03.04

I have always thought that a way to off yoruself and get int he newspaper would be to swallow a bunch of raw popcorn and lay on a radiator until you exploded like a human jiffy pop.

But then, I know it's sadly impractical and I have to go on living.

16:45 / 14.03.04

not if you did loads of heroin first, to knock you out.

SMACK-POPs!

19:09 / 14.03.04

And you find that irritating, Nesh?

Not always. In this case, it's a little irritating, yes.

To me it just comes across as desperate.

I guess we're approaching this differently, then, Lurid.

19:16 / 14.03.04

Is it so very bad that i'm more freaked about the actual song/car type/place he suggested than the fact that he could of been seriously thinking about suicide?

19:29 / 14.03.04

No.

19:40 / 14.03.04

I think it would be far better if you put robot arms and legs on your TV, stuck the head of Nick Hornby on top (or latex replica if original unobtainable) and fought it, pay-per-view, in a cagematch. To the DEATH. I'll be your agent if you like.

You're not allowed to tell anyone about this thread, though, because it might make them think it's fixed and everyone will bet on HornbyTellyBot.

beelzebub jones

09:53 / 15.03.04

as with any murder, its all about the motive. those who self terminate because of unbearable pain, either physical or emotional seem to choose the humane and hopefully painless route of leathel overdoze, poison or gas. novelty seekers seem to leap off of something high, and almost always from a place with a nice view. those suffering from guilt either real, imagined or inflicted choose the noose, hoping to clear the slate. depression some feel will be eased by a warm bath and a razorblade. angry, and/or violent people go for the bang of bullets or the front of a train. it would seem desparate political activists prefer the boom of a bomb and don't go alone. those contemplating killing themselves in a new and different way, should just keep living doing that in a new and different way.

dorthy parker said it best in her poem "resume":

razors pain you
rivers are damp
acids stain you
drugs cause cramp
guns are unlawful
nooses give
gas smells awful
might as well live

10:08 / 15.03.04

You could always get Heavy D to sit on you instead while singing that song.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

10:23 / 15.03.04

I've actually found curiosity (once pointed out to me by a close friend) to be a reason to live...

I'm gonna find out what death is like sooner or later ANYWAY. I may as well see what life holds first. Just out of, y'know... curiosity.

12:55 / 16.03.04

I'm going to hijack this thread because I would like to know when to take a person's suicide talk as genuine, particularly when that person is a teenager. My little bro is seriously bummed out about a girl and he keeps mentioning offing himself... but I remember that when I was a teen I said & did all sorts of stuff as a kind of fuck-you to scare adults with... how do I know if he really means it? We're not close, and don't live near each other, so it would be highly odd & hysterical-seeming if I were to call him up and start asking how he's FEELing. Any thoughts?

12:56 / 16.03.04

Oh I meant to add, he hasn't said anything like that to me, and I also don't want to contribute to the feeling that adults are all talking behind his back about him, because I figure that'd alienate him more.

beelzebub jones

03:19 / 17.03.04

if it is possible, you need to go see him in person. suicide is never a joke, even when we joke about it. many people say many times they are considering hurting themselves and then don't, and then one time they do. if you speak to him on the phone ask him if he is thinking about hurting himself. don't worry you won't put the thought in his head, and if he is considering it, he might tell you the truth. there are crisis "phone" lines that can give "you" some universal advice. but remember that it is ultimately his choice, his responsibility, to live.

11:02 / 17.03.04

With teens, it's a case of trying to tread a line between overreacting and underreacting. As Beelzebub Jones says, make 'em aware you're available, provide information on crisis lines, etc. but be clear that it's their responsibility to use those avenues as necessary. Try to keep all communication as free as possible from game-playing and second-guessing.

12:28 / 17.03.04

Thanks a lot guys. You're exactly right about treading that line. I guess I will invite him to come with me & visit our other brother, since that would be a no-pressure situation probably and also my brothers are closer with each other than me.

It's so weird, it wasn't too long ago that I was a teenager and yet already I feel like I don't understand or remember what it was like!