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Giving In

  
 
phrankphutta
07:11 / 12.03.04
I only take natural (illicit) drugs. I do get drunk once in a blue moon and I make sure to take a few mushroom trips every year, just to stay connected, but mainly I smoke weed. Lots of it.

But lately, due to a family emergency, I've been somewhat short on funds and as a direct result, haven't had any herb in just over a week. I haven't went more than two or three days without a toke in over a year, and it feels kinda...well, to be honest, it feels weird not being stoned. I can't help but feel like everything seems a little more "real" now...conversations, my job...everyday tasks in general. As abstract as it sounds, it feels like sparks are crackling all around me...everything feels vivid and somewhat abrasive.

This has got me thinking about how I'm seen by others regularly, because if I feel this weird and disorientated while straight, I must not have been picking up on things as well whilst stoned off my ass 90% of the time, right?

So, the internal dialogue begins. Should I give up pot? Half of me says "Give it up, you'll make more money and move up faster at work if you apply yourself 100%", while the other half says "Who the fuck cares how 'successful' you are at work? You live comfortably enough. Giving up drugs and putting your nose to the proverbial grindstone is admitting defeat to the system."

I work for a huge faceless retail corporation notorious for using NLP, and I'm afraid if I don't have my daily dose of mild euphoria and increased appetite, I'll forget what free thought is. Basically, I feel like I should be striving for more, but I can't honestly say my job could offer me anything that would fill the void...I understand that a change of occupation is in order, but the reality of it is, I think I'd be feeling the same way about any job. I'm a simple guy, and I don't try to live beyond my means, so money (or the apparent allure of making more money) isn't really an issue to me.

...but then again, wandering around in a drug-induced haze while still making money hand over fist for The Company™ isn't helping anyone either. Is there any way to find a middle ground, or is life in this plane of existence just one big kick in the scrote?
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
08:23 / 12.03.04
Maybe you could cut back on the weed a bit, and use the extra oomph to look for outlets for your talents outside of work?
 
 
Jub
08:33 / 12.03.04
Oh Phrank - I know what you're saying. I wouldn't go so far to call it a kick in the scrote though! I'm a bit of a lightweight but smoke most days too - and usually go into work a little bit *confused* and a while ago I was a bit concerned about how this was affecting my life work etc. I too work for The Company.

You don't sound happy though - so maybe laying off for a while would be a good idea just to figure out what you want, and if you decide to get straight back on with the dope then fair play. I did this by rationing myself and limiting it (eventually) to weekends.

Essentially, what I concluded was this: when you smoke a hell of a lot, your persepctive changes so that you can see what's important (at least to you) a lot more readily - this means you lose motivation at work say, because you've implicitly realised it's not important.

A long term, but slow to implement plan is what I needed - figure out what you do want, find out how to get it, take steps to get there. All the time you're doing this though, don't lose sight of the fact you are working in a place where you can function like that, and get paid. You don't have to stop smoking or working while you are slowly getting to where you want to be. Happy days.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
08:54 / 12.03.04
What Mordant Carnival says.

But it doesn't really sound like you've got too much to worry about - If in doubt, just do exactly what you want. It's, er ( cough ) always worked for me...
 
 
ibis the being
12:30 / 12.03.04
I think I'd be feeling the same way about any job.

I doubt that this is true. Especially if you're not too concerned about money - that right there gives you a big leg up in finding a job that doesn't suck.
 
  
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