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I... I Can Barely Control My Violence, Any More

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Alex's Grandma

19:40 / 04.03.04

Every time, at the office, that anyone talks about where the company's heading, targets etc, a proactive approach, the red mist descends.
That beautiful red mist...
Getting a new job... isn't going to be enough.

Sugarimp

19:42 / 04.03.04

Sell your soul to the devil.

Or your kidney. You don't need *two* kidneys now, do you?

gridley

19:55 / 04.03.04

Alex, that's a really bad idea.

whothehell@where?

19:59 / 04.03.04

alex doesn't sound like a team player, does he?

rakehell

00:25 / 05.03.04

Yeah, Alex, I'm going to need you to go ahead and stay behind tonight and finish those reports.

bitchiekittie

00:47 / 05.03.04

he just needs to go to a few more team building meetings, thass all.

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

01:00 / 05.03.04

He needs to get with the fucking program if he wants to be kept in the loop on this project, I'm telling you, or something.

Alex's Grandma

04:22 / 05.03.04

I've got a meeting I think in a couple of hours.
Or perhaps less than that, acctually.
Oh dear Jesus, I must have...
Blood

illmatic

06:54 / 05.03.04

Alex, I'm totally with you. My personal hate is the phrase "rolling out" ie. "we're rolling out a bunch of uninspired, tedious, beauracratic crap form filling for you to waste your time on instead of actually doing your job". What's wrong with the word "starting", "beginning" or whatever. Why does it always have to be fucking "rolling out"!? Do youthink it makes you sound clever? So hip? I want to "roll out" a string of roundhouse kicks to your fucking temple, you monkeycunt! I fucking hate it. Aaarrgh!

Alex, promise me if someone uses that phrase in your meeting, you'll twat 'em. I

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

07:03 / 05.03.04

Illmatic's right. "Rolling out", "actioning"... if it's any consolation, I had to attend a meeting with our account management team the other day... it took several hours to wash the stench of second-hand smugness out of my hair.

That's the trouble... people don't seem to realise the fundamental truth that YOU ONLY GO TO WORK BECAUSE THEY PAY YOU TO. As long as the company does just well enough that they don't have to fire me, then that's the extent to which I care. And no further.

Jub

08:02 / 05.03.04

hear hear. Spot on there Stoatie.

Don't worry about it Alex - sometimes managers value the honest approach. Do your job, get paid, relax.

w1rebaby

12:26 / 05.03.04

And don't get your knob out again.

gingerbop

15:08 / 05.03.04

Get a new job. Join Barbecircus.

---

16:15 / 05.03.04

Get yourself an action plan Alex and get some group motivation going and all that shite.

Alex's Grandma

16:28 / 05.03.04

I don't know... I think sometimes in life, when the television starts talking to you, you have to do what it says.

Even if it's telling you to do... BAD THINGS

gridley

17:00 / 05.03.04

Perhaps you could find work as a hired killer. I'm not how one begins such a search, but it can't be that hard. Perhaps there's a message board or chat room....

bacon

17:10 / 05.03.04

on that note, did anyone else think "the professional" was a little pedophile-ish?

ibis the being

18:25 / 05.03.04

I sympathize. Last night I dreamed about DATA ENTRY. Christ.

Just remember that if the TV is telling you a new life AND a new career are just a phone call away, don't believe it. If it's telling you true love is a phone call away, well, go ahead it's worth a try.

pomegranate

18:30 / 05.03.04

the big phrase at my work is "heads-up," as in, "i'm going to be out of the office for about 1 hour on wednesday, and then two hours on friday, i just wanted to give you a heads-up on that." thanks. i really care. seriously, "heads-up" is almost exclusively used when it's needless information.

---

18:40 / 05.03.04

Heads up, yeah that is a ridiculous saying.

penitentvandal

18:41 / 05.03.04

Because, of course, it makes them feel like Jack Bauer...

Funny how they feel a bit less like the Sutherland when you blow up their office, kidnap their family and torture them into a coma, isn't it?

Fist Fun

20:13 / 05.03.04

I quite like using business phrases in "ah what am I doing but it feels kind of nice and is a useful form of expression way"

fluid_state

20:35 / 05.03.04

Somewhere, Alex, the overboss of your overboss is sitting in a very dark room, reading your posts from the network cache. He pushes his hands together, spreads his fingertips, and smiles the broad, toothy smile of the genuinely joyous. "Miss Wilson," he calls to his secretary, "cancel my appointments for the day, and book me for a late lunch at the Rosewater. I feel like celebrating; I've dehumanized my millionth employee today."

Act now, Alex. While you still can.

Alex's Grandma

20:44 / 05.03.04

" It makes them feel like Jack Bauer "

No, and they really don't like it when you get them on hard drugs either. But let's face it, if there was a steady supply, wouldn't office life be a lot more pleasant ? You know, no more tedious waiting around for that intoxicating news about your promtion - you'd just give your manager a hot shot, get his job the next day. And, on the other hand, in that kind of general working environment, you wouldn't have to waste too much time thinking about your boring old pension plan.

So you could spend all your money, and not give a damn !

Morlock - groupie for hire

00:33 / 06.03.04

Phrase of choice 'round my office is "going forward", as in "This meeting is to decide how to deal with problem x, going forward" or something equally meaningless. Seems to be employed whenever someone's trying to show progress when there's actually none to report.

So now I'm having to resist strapping my boss to the nearest car-bumper and leaving the car on some train tracks somewhere, Back to the Future style. "88 mph, fuckwit! That's going forward!"

...I feel better already.

Alex's Grandma

03:35 / 06.03.04

Solid state

Good post, man, very stylish turn of phrase.

But it's already too late.

At this point in life, anything other than repainting the boardroom in that, y'know, particular shade of red simply has no appeal.

My immortal soul is just like a used handkerchief, the stains on which can only be washed off with... with managerial viscera. Once it's been through a blender.

They do deserve it after all, these guys, don't they ?

So, breakfast tomorrow, toast, coffee and orange juice, and then... the other things....

rizla mission

09:36 / 06.03.04

Heads up, yeah that is a ridiculous saying.

I gather it's quite useful when throwing petrol bombs and such like.

Although, actually, in a situation like that you could get to legitimately say "fire in the hole!", which is much better.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

14:37 / 06.03.04

Or even: "INCOMING!!!"

Which rocks.

invisible_al

09:38 / 07.03.04

Ah with mine it's 'moving forward' everyone fucking uses it, it's one of these meaningless phrases that makes me want to say 'I do not think that means what you think it means' to people who use it almost parrot like *sigh*.
Any ideas on how to cut through the bullshit when buzzword bingo has taken a grip on your colleagues?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:53 / 07.03.04

OTHER than going postal, you mean? Although personally, I've never had to resort to violence. Just make it clear that you will if they don't quit it with this management-speak BOLLOCKS!!!

(If it's any consolation, which it obviously isn't, the world of investment banking apparently performs more hideously depraved acts of brutality on the English language than your average manager could dream of... "LEVERAGING". Hear that? That's the sound of a word being bent backwards on itself so hard its spine explodes.)

w1rebaby

16:24 / 07.03.04

Oh, we proactively leverage everything round here, particularly when we touch base or have round-table town-hall meetings about milestones. We also incentivize.

My favourite is "let's take this offline" during a teleconference, which means "I've just realised this is tedious bullshit, let's pretend we'll discuss it later".

At my company we are not allowed to have 'processes'. Calling anything a process seems to be banned.

A word I'm hearing too much there at the moment is 'shim'. Shim shim shim shim.

spake

03:01 / 08.03.04

Hmmmm, 'process' is a friendly descriptive word, i'm personally sick of hearing people ask - "where is the value added by going through this process?". Value-added? Hello?? I wouldn't undertake this task if I thought it wasn't of some fucking value or benefit to me. But thanks for pointing out that what i'm trying to do may not have any value to anyone. bastards !!

Hieronymus

04:01 / 08.03.04

Mmmm. The mother load.

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