Okay, how about David Niven? I only ask, cos I stated a thread way back with a fake bio of Niven, which kicked off with this (a version of):
Laurence Olivier had a warehouse full of Niven anecdotes, and spent many a long, drunken evening recounting them in authentic cockney for a delighted audience of pissheads in his local, The Nag's Biscuit on Gadzooks Lane. Here he recalls an incident which probably best highlights David's coolness under pressure:
'Dave had a temper on him alright, but terrific self control as well. I'll never forget the time someone ran over his dog, right in front of him, right in front of his house. Car, dog, splat. Dave loved that dog, it was like a brother to him. I was right next to him at the time, and I could hear the explosive mix of grief and rage bubbling up inside his bonce - it was coming out of his ears - and I thought: "hang on, this is going to be good," so I leapt behind the privett. Sure enough, Dave took off - straight down to his shed, where he set to work fashioning a wooden arse out of mahogany to replace the arse he was going to kick off the bloke what done it.
Made a cracking job of that arse, he did - turned it out on the lathe, sanded it to a smooth finish. He even weatherproofed it.
Soon as the 2nd coat of varnish had dried he went back out to the road and kicked the bloke's arse off - kicked it clean off in the first strike. The sound it made when he connected - well, it was incredible, like a crack of thunder it was. Some people reported seeing a blinding flash of light in the sky. Off that arse went, whoosh! like a rocket. Must've cleared 3 or 4 rows of houses before it came to rest.
It's in a museum now, that bloke's arse. But at least he got a wooden one to replace it, I mean you can't say fairer than that, can you? Better than some cheap plastic crap. I mean he could've just given him a big dolly's arse, but what good would that've been to anyone, eh? Eh?! What good's a big dolly's arse to anyone?!' |
