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Coping with change

  
 
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02:15 / 23.02.04
Be warned, this is yet another of my lengthy discourses...

Nearly seven years ago, when I was in the eleventh grade in high school, I got a part-time job working at a supermarket. At the time I was worried that having a part-time job would mean no free time for myself. But really, I only ended up working 3 to 4 days a week, usually for no longer then 4-6 hours a shift. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was.

I worked at this supermarket through the rest of high school and all 5 1/2 years of college. I really didn't like working there, but I told myself that it was only a temporary thing, that one day I would work someplace better, more to my liking. It was just a part-time job while I was in college, I told myself. Plus, it was only about 5 minutes from where I lived, so getting there was convenient.

But something happened this summer after I graduated college. I no longer had school to worry about. Now my only real responsibility was my part-time job, which I only went to 4 days a week. As a result, a good bit of my time I spent at home in my room. Suddenly I had no idea what I should do with my life. My main goal is to become a writer, but in the meantime I needed a full-time job. My parents kept telling me to find a full-time job. Everyday I checked the want ads but could never find anything. I had a degree in English... unless you want to become a teacher, what the fuck can you do with that? I joined my old college's career counseling center, but they weren't much help either. I started getting desperate. I later found out my parents doubted I'd ever get a full-time job and that I'd be living with them forever. This really hurt my self-esteem and I quit looking for a full-time job (self-fulfilling prophecy?)

Meanwhile, at my part-time job little things that had only bothered me in the past were not getting me angrier and angrier. I began to have no patience with the customers. I worried that I'd be stuck working there all my life. Reality became a prison to me. Whenever I'd go to work by eyes would tear up and I'd have to struggle to keep them open. Just getting through a 4 hour shift took all my effort and left me feeling physically drained afterward. And as the months went on I began feeling sicker and sicker, and my body pains increased daily. I felt trapped at my job, trapped in my own home, trapped in my body even. A prisoner of my personality (oh, the angst!)

My dad is a Barnes & Noble manager. A few weeks ago a manager from another Barnes & Noble said she had a job opening so my Dad told me I should get a job there. I decided to take it. What else could I do? At the very least getting a full-time job there would get my parents off my back. Plus I like bookstores and I like books and I'd get to do staff picks and get a discount and stuff. So two Saturdays I went down there (store's 25 minutes from where I live), spoke to the manager, she seemed nice and all. I was hired. I start my full-time job this week, working 4 days a week: Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. 8 1/2 hours a day.

Now, bear in mind I've never worked anything longer then 6 hours. Now I'll have to go from that to 8 1/2 hours... every shift? Even worse, at this place you have to dress up a bit and tuck your shirt in, and for some reason the skin on my stomach is hyper-sensitive, when cloth touches it I get sharp burning pains around my belly button. Now I'll have to keep a shirt tucked in for 8 1/2 hours, and who knows how that will affect it?

Even worse, you have to work at this place for 3 months before health care kicks in. So I decided to stay at my supermarket job for 3 months, only working one day a week. But a few days ago I got a call from my current boss. He congratulated me on my new job, then said that it was against store policy to only work one day a week (strange, his nephew does it). So now I have to go on COBRA for 3 months. Which isn't that bad, just expensive.

The last time I was in a state like this was about six years or so ago, the summer of '98. I had just graduated high school and was soon going to move on to college. So that summer I had to pass my driver's test, learn the route to get to college (to say nothing of learning how to be comfortable behind the wheel... I was a late bloomer when it came to driving). In July of that summer I began getting horrible chest pains that I worried were heart attacks. Turns out it was chronic acid reflux. At times it got so bad I couldn't even sit down, so most of the day was spent standing up. At night I would only get an hour or two of sleep. My day-time reality became hellish and unreal, and I felt like a zombie. I worried that I wouldn't be able to go to college, wouldn't be able to sit down in class. That summer was one of the worst times of my life. I became suicidal, barely ate, lost interest in everything, became convinced that my life was over. But then college started and I saw it wasn't all that bad. By the end of the first semester I was even enjoying myself a bit. Gradually my health improved and I began sleeping better, eating more. College was actually quite a pleasant experience. I made friends, was involved in a lit of activities, and generally had a more positive outlook on life. It wasn't till I got out of college that the horrors that plagued me years ago resurfaced.

So now the change is reappearing in my life and I'm on the verge of a complete hysterical breakdown. On one hand I'm glad I'm done with hellish supermarkets and I know change is good, but at the same time I'm scared of it. A weird type of existential terror.... I should be looking foward to this new job, working with new employees, etc. but all I can do is worry that my body will act up and I won't be able to concentrate on my work. These last few weeks my stomach and chest pains have been getting worse and worse... It feels like there's a solid object in my stomach and it hurts to bend over, and I'm worried that my colon is overflowing with toxins and backed-up seweage that is damaging my body and making me ill. Which is why I'm on citrucel, and even though I go to the bathroom at least once a day it takes a lot of effort usually and I still worry that I'm backed up. Or I worry that I have stomach cancer or bowel cancer or something. And these days when I breath I sometimes get sharp pains in my stomach. How on earth can I be expected to work full-time with pains and worries like this? My parents are convinced my pains are psychosomatic and they'll go away once I get used to this new place, and that I'm being overdramatic, but I've been feeling very suicidal recently and I really am worried that something is wrong with me, though none of my doctors see any cause for alarm (mainly because there's no blood in my stool, but what if it's occult?)Bah, I'm a mess. And I start my job on Tuesday. I don't know what I'm going to do, so I guess I'll just have to wing it and go for the best.
 
 
Our Lady Has Left the Building
06:58 / 23.02.04
Gah, that sucks. Don't really know what useful suggestions I could give you so won't try. As for the sensitivity, could you be developing an allergy to your fabric softener or something? Otherwise check at your chemists either for some soothing cream you can use, or perhaps some plasters you could put over to stop contact. If symptoms persist...

Otherwise, if you've worked six hours then moving up to eight hours shouldn't be a problem. I would suggest that anything non-work related that you don't need to do for the first few weeks you don't do. It might be against the whole Barbelith-ethic but I've always found things work better if you work out exactly how a job is going to affect your life (when you have to get up, how you feel at the end of the day, where corners can be cut, who are your allies/enemies at work etc), then you can arrange your life around it to maximum satisfaction.

Until the day all management are lined up against the wall obviously.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:33 / 23.02.04
Sypha Nadon: I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but all those symptoms could very well be caused by stress. Since you've been checked out by a doctor and they haven't found anything, it sounds a lot like the pain and discomfort you're experiencing in your stomach is down to muscle tension. That doesn't mean that your problems aren't real and worthy of serious attention, it simply means that you need to take a different approach.

First: how's your diet? Plenty of fruit and veg? Drinking enough? Make sure you drink extra fluids (pure water for preference, and lay off the fizzy drinks and tea/coffee. Tip: buy a pint mug and drink your water by the pint). That and a handful of raisins before bed should help stop you from getting "backed up."

I know you've got more than a dabbler's grasp of magickal techniques. Now's the time to reach into that toolkit and see if you can find something to help you-- relaxation excercises are your first and best bet. Good deep breathing will help to free up the painful muscles in your abdomen. Visualise a ball of healing blue light travelling up and down your body while you relax, washing away all the anxiety and fear.

Your skin problems: Try washing your shirts in pure, unperfumed soapflakes instead of your usual washing powder. As has been pointed out, you may have an allergy. My personal intuition though is that your skin probs are part of a stress response. Try aloe vera gel (the fresh kind, since aloe vera loses her potency with processing and storage), or ask your pharmacist to recommend a good cream.

Starting your new job: Change is always stressful. I understand completely why you'd feel trapped or threatened by the idea of longer hours, but belive me, it's not nearly as bad as you're imagining.

Go into a light trance (I'm sure you know how to do this) and visualise yourself on your first day, walking confidently into your new place of employment, smiling at your new co-workers. Picture yourself confidently and competently handling the new tasks you will be faced with. Try to turn your feelings of anxiety into feelings of excitement.

If you find yourself feeling claustrophobic or anxious during the working day, say to yourself: "I'm not trapped here. I can get up and walk out of the door any time I like. Sure, there might be consequences if I did that, but there is no physical barrier to me leaving. I can go anywhere I want."

Be well, mate, and the best of luck.
 
 
ibis the being
12:45 / 23.02.04
Don't underestimate the power of stress to cause physical illness. I had what appeared to be a food allergy for almost 5 yrs that turned out to be a stress-related skin reaction. When someone tells you "it's stress," it sounds like they mean "it's in your head." When in fact mental/emotional stressors can cause real physical symptoms.

but all I can do is worry that my body will act up and I won't be able to concentrate on my work.
Don't let that become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Unless it would be too much to handle, you might consider moving out of your parents home and in with some friendly roommates. If you were happy in college, a shared-living situation w peers might be beneficial again. And it sounds like your parents may be adding stress to your life.
 
 
Bill Posters
12:57 / 23.02.04
may the Force be with you Sypha, though I do not doubt it will be, and that all will be well.
 
 
Cat Chant
16:40 / 23.02.04
But then college started and I saw it wasn't all that bad. By the end of the first semester I was even enjoying myself a bit. Gradually my health improved and I began sleeping better, eating more. College was actually quite a pleasant experience. I made friends, was involved in a lit of activities, and generally had a more positive outlook on life.

The moral of this story to me is that, although you are very scared of change, when it actually happens you deal with it well and your life gets better, which is the main thing. (At least that seems to be what happened last time, when you went to college.)

Very small-scale analogy: I got a tattoo last summer. I was absolutely terrified - didn't sleep at all the night before and spent the whole morning before the appointment wandering about in that bell-jar zombified state of fear and wondering whether I was going to be able to go through with it. And because I was so scared, I thought that meant that the experience of getting the tattoo would be bad in proportion to my fear. But lo! It was not so. It was, in fact, quite a pleasant experience - like college was for you.

If you are like me in this way, then this now is what you have to deal with: the fear and the physical symptoms (whether fear-related or not). The fear is the ordeal, not the job. The actual thing you are fearing will probably be okay. So try and focus on dealing with the symptoms. Does that make sense?

I hope it's true, because then you will have found out by now (or will find out shortly) that things are about to start getting better. Good luck, and listen to these sensible people about the diet and the breathing and stuff.
 
 
pachinko droog
18:03 / 23.02.04
I agree with the others about diet. Also, don't underestimate the importance of exercise in helping to relieve stress/tension in your life. (Walking is just good on so many levels, and it aids digestion as well.)
 
 
gingerbop
00:48 / 24.02.04
Had a vaguely similar thing to the the other week, although not close to your scale. Was beginning at a new gym team, which from what I'd heard was hard-as-nails, and being extremely shy when plunged into new situations like that didnt help. Didnt sleep the night before, and 20 mins after I began I felt dizzy, sick, short of breath, and very faint.
Deva took the words out of my mouth. Because of stress does not equal in your head, and why cant you handle it better?

Go in there, thinking of your first day at college. Even if you feel crap near the beginning... just wait and see how you feel after a couple of days.

As for 6 hr to 8.5 hr shifts- you'll be fine. I went straight into 8.5 hour shifts, and what bothered me much more than attention span or anything like that was sore feet.

But most of all, good luck, and let us know how you get on. x
 
 
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02:24 / 24.02.04
well, if my body still feels like hell after I get comfortable working there, then I'll probably be able to rule out stress.

There's some more things I'd like to say but I'm too tired to post them at this moment so I'll hold off for now. I will say that I suppose I do come off as a bit of a drama queen at times, as most people I know say they don't understand why I make such a big deal about getting a full-time job. I dunno... Recently I was in the doctor's office flipping through a PEOPLE magazine and they had this story on some surfer girl in Hawaii who lost an arm to a tiger shark... 3 months later she entered a surf competition and came in 5th place out of 25 contestants. Imagine bouncing back after something like that... Maybe some people just find change easier then others.
 
 
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03:16 / 25.02.04
Well, just got through my first shift.

More details later on. It wasn't easy but not as bad as I thought. Still a little worried... BUT, one of my managers is a Burroughs fan and one of the employees is this cute alternative guys who seems to be into the occult, so at least if I am to be miserable I'll be miserable in good company.
 
  
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