BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


Short in the works...

 
 
Ender
04:10 / 12.02.04
He left his drink alone for a moment, fondling the idea of a mistaken identity. "How can we as a society allow such vagrant abuse of common courtesy? How can we continue to stand aside and do nothing as the world crashes down all around us? The words of please and thank you have become hollow and robotic, our people speak but never listen, we are a sad, and lonely nation, filled with lights and whistles, but no sincerity."

His grey green eyes flickered with the excitement of an audience. He looked into the hungry faces of his listeners, all excited to hear more from the great Hollywood producer.
"I grow weary in my adulthood," He shot a glance to the red head on his right. "I find it more and more difficult to engage in my passions, and I am not speaking of just sex." He paused for affect, she giggled. "I understand the role that one must play to achieve any form of success in this world, but can't we find time for the simple and easy pleasures of this life? Are we to busy for late night walks with loved ones, and long chats with grandmothers?
Is there no time to teach something new to kids?"

He paused for a moment, the girls were really listening to him, hearing his every word. Marcel wondered if they would continue to listen if he revealed that he wasn't really famous, he toyed with the idea, he hadn't planned to con these girls, but it seemed appropriate for another night at Denny's. It’s what they did, the three crazy guys always found themselves at Denny's. It was ritual, and it didn't matter where they were coming from, or how late(or early in the morning), it only mattered that they were there every Saturday night to recall the events of the week, and sometimes put on a big theatrical show for the other Denny's customers.

"I once saw a puppy, frozen to the street,” A short moment of reflection. “he was the saddest thing I have ever seen," The girls let out a soft "ooh." Then all moved closer. "And you know what the terrible thing was?” He stopped to look at the quizzical faces, “I watched people walking by, hearing this poor puppy cry, in pain, but no one stopped, no one even tried to help this poor pup."
One of the girls, with tears in her eye said, "Did you save that puppy?" Marcel looked to the ground, then met her misty eyes with his and said, "I've got the little trooper at home right now." Another "ooh," And then "you are so sweet!" Marcel smiled, and gave the best innocent look he has ever managed, then cleared his throat, and reached for his glass, and gave a little jump as a hand stroked the inside of his leg under the table. He tried not to appear to be surprised, as the red head leaned into his ear and whispered, "How long are you in town for?"

\its Dark at night\
As Marcel opened the door of his supposedly rented SAAB for the young red head, whose name he learned was Alex; She said “My, what a gentleman you are.” He smiled and laughed, running around the car, then bypassing and jumping over the door into the driver’s seat he said, “I do love convertibles!”

Marcel enjoyed his car, white, all leather interior, he spent extra time trying to think of what model was in-between sporty and profesional, and this Alex girl was admiring the stereo. “Wow,” she said, “I didn’t know you could rent cars with really nice stereos.”
Marcel pondered this for a moment and responded, “You can do anything with enough money.” Her body relaxed into the seat and she breathed deeply, saying “Yes, I suppose you can.” Marcel was playing his role, and having fun doing it. He had no guilt, and figured if this girl was shallow enough to have sex with him just because she thought he was a big time movie producer, then so be it.

She was wearing a slinky black skirt, cut a little too high, but Marcel wasn’t complaining. He looked from the corner of his eye down to those legs, “Tell me, Shelly, have you ever been to California?” Not caring what she said in reply, “Once, when I was very little, my aunt Nina lives in Salinas valley.” Marcel’s attention perked at the mention of the birthplace of the literary great John Steinbeck. “Did you say Salinas Valley?” He asked.

\Night is a woman\
It was nearly dawn, the dog scratched at the front door, and Marcel stared at the ceiling.
He had been charming and terrible the night before. He thought about all the times he had done similar things, and how he always went to far. He got caught up in the roles he played, and he wondered if he was sick, ‘who gets such enjoyment pretending to be something or someone they are not’ he thought. He had his arm around a woman he had no feelings for, recalling what a great lover she had been, he smiled, and was stung by the guilt of lying to her. She turned her body, positioning her head onto his chest, she sighed, and breathed deeply. Light peeked over the window, casting its pale trail along the morning. Should he start the day with a confession? The light leaking through the window, affirming the reality of the day, Marcel needed coffee. He slid his arm from under the sleeping girl, and managed to move from the bed with relatively no noise.
As he crossed the carpet he heard a quiet “Hey you.” He turned, Alex was awake, her lively red hair seemed out of place in the dim room. She sat up, and held her cheek in her hand, smiling, her eyes full of life, and she was beautiful. Marcel stared, mouth gaping, and wasn’t able to form actual words, “Ah, I-ah was gonna, um…” he trailed off. “That bad huh?” she said, still smiling. He took the time to collect his thoughts, “No,” shaking his head, “no, you look amazing.” Her smile widened. “Oh come on,” she said, “you don’t have to say that.” Marcel walked to the bed, and leaned to her ear, and whispered “it’s true, you are beautiful.”

\BREAKFAST\
She was so careful as she poured her milk, like a child pouring milk for the first time.
When she reached the top of her glass, she gave the milk a small lift and then was done, and moved to Marcel’s glass. The shower in the apartment echoed loudly through the small space, almost drowning out the sizzling of bacon on the stove. The water stopped, “I hope your not getting into trouble out there,” came through the door. Marcel emerged from the bathroom a clean man in a towel. “Much better.” He said. Alex was scrambling eggs and chopping melon, Marcel thought she seemed natural standing there in only her underwear, as if she were part of the kitchen, he liked the addition. “I am surprised.” She said, handing him his milk. “Oh yeah, about what?” He asked. “You have this place pretty well stalked just to have rented it for the weekend.” The corners of her lips raised slightly.
“That wasn’t me,” he said, “my assistant takes care of all of my needs.” He took a step toward the stove, and Alex stepped in front of him. “What smells so good?” He asked.
“and there is quite the DVD collection on the shelves over there.” She pointed at Marcel’s extensive movie collection. “Well I…” She stopped him. “is that dirty laundry?” she looked through an open door into the laundry room. He was caught, she knew, and he knew there was no escape.
“Sit down,” She motioned to the table. “I have cooked you a breakfast for champions.”
He didn’t usually care about being caught. The con always had to end, it was only a matter of time, but there was something about Alex, had he been wrong in assuming that she was shallow? He sat at the table, she placed a plate before him, bacon eggs and pancakes. “I’ll be right back.” She said heading in the direction of the bedroom.
“Go ahead and start without me.” He wasn’t about to fall for such a simple trap, his mother had raised him with the best of manners, and to start eating without a lady was in-excusable. He waited patiently, but did sneak a bite of eggs, cleaning his fork on his towel and setting it neatly in it’s place. There was rustling coming from the bedroom, and a SMASH. “It’s okay, I’m alright.” She said as she walked back into the kitchen, now fully clothed. She was digging through her little leather purse, “Do you have a pen?” she asked. “Yeah, right behind you.” She took the pen from the counter, and produced a business card from her bag, wrote something on the back. “I really had fun with you last night.” She said, kissed him softly and placed the card beside his clean fork.
 
 
Topper
13:28 / 12.02.04
Here's a few thoughts:

I think your descriptive writing is your strong point. There are some good lines in this. "Light peeked over the window, casting its pale trail along the morning. " "She was so careful as she poured her milk, like a child pouring milk for the first time."

I like the subheadings.

I like how you ran the dialogue together. I tend to write it line by line.

Who are the other two crazy guys?

Would a girl in a late night diner really tear up over that puppy story?

I like the Salinas Valley detail.

"You have this place pretty well STOCKED..."

My main problem is that the intro didn't work for me. By the end of the story I realized that it was the way he imagined things were happening, but through the story I kept trying to make sense of it. That kept me a bit distracted, a bit pulled out of the story as I continued to read. You might want to look for a clearer way to show what's going on in his head at the diner.

The slinky black skirt is a bit of a cliche, you might want to kill that or describe it differently.

I like how the girl puts together the clues that he's not who he says he is. What makes him feel differently about this girl in the morning, different than the other cons?

Most important, the story left me wondering what was going to happen next. What the smash was. There is some strong writing in this piece. I'm interested to read it again when it's finished.

.
 
 
eddie thirteen
17:21 / 12.02.04
I should preface this by saying I am, well, kinda sleepy (and I unfortunately have a hell of a lot to do in the next several hours, but I did make time and/or totally stall when I saw you'd posted another story, Ben -- I think this is a compliment!), and the text is dense (in a good way) in several places, and probably deserves a more exacting read than I can give it at present, since I...well...should not even be here right now, actually. Soooooo -- I might have missed stuff. But!

Like Topper, I think the story does get better as it goes along; it reads like you were maybe trying to figure out where you wanted it to go at first and then nailed it a couple paragraphs in (which seems to me pretty good for the first draft of a work in progress). This figuring-out probably accounts for the vanishing two other guys (who I'd actually forgotten all about till Topper mentioned them). There are some typos/wrong words that I figure will be ironed out in revision, and are probably just the natural result of enthusiasm -- like, I think "vagrant abuse" wants to be "flagrant abuse" (unless this was a joke on the guy's pompousness) -- but nothing major. That's the bad/iffy stuff.

I like the story concept itself a lot, though. I am curious about the *how* of him convincing these girls he's a movie producer...if, let's say, his con was to convince them that he was Antonio Banderas, and he actually looked like Antonio Banderas, that I could see, but I'm unsure how you could make a subtler con like this one work (and I'm not just asking because I wanna try it out, either).

However, I have to differ with Topper about the girls sighing and crying over the frozen puppy -- *if,* in fact, the protagonist has already convinced them of his con identity at that point. It gets tangled up in a complex web of accountability when you look at it this way -- which I think is a positive thing for a short story, personally -- but if the girls are hanging on his every word because they think he's famous (and may make *them* famous, if they play their cards right), then we introduce the possibility that the girls think they are in fact conning the protagonist, and are sighing and crying in all the right places because it's what he wants to hear. This seems like an especially compelling possibility given where it leaves off, with Alex on to him (maybe she was on to him all along?) and very possibly about to play the protagonist to her own ends.

I like the Salinas Valley detail, too, because it implies the protagonist may see Alex as representative of what he finds lacking in people (women in specific) that makes it seem okay for him to lie to women for sex...i.e., in some way he links her to Steinbeck, and finds in her a sophistication (maybe illusory) that isn't there in most women he meets. I get the feeling this sophistication means he's just encountered his opposite number and is probably in for it, which has me wanting to see the rest of the story, too.

PS: I just saw your message, Topper, and...thank you! I hope you like the other stories.
 
  
Add Your Reply