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Alternative endings for crap adverts

13:54 / 03.02.04

Okay, we've got the hate list of adverts that really get up our noses somewhere down there in the conversation list. Now how about those bad ads that you've decided would be much better if they ended in an alternative fashion. I'll give you my three examples:

1) The new coke ad
Smiling woman, walking and singing along the street handing out bottles of "full-fat" Coke. Personally I want at least one of those passer-bys to turn to her and start yelling and screaming that they're on a diet. Or better still that they are diabetic and she's a heartless cow.

2) One of the "healthy" yogurt drinks ad
Woman tries to get money back on the yogurt (and I still don't know whether there is a "h" in that word. Aw well someone will correct me) and being foilled by CCTV footage of her being, well silly. When asked if she can explain her actions on the screen (supposed proof that the drink has helped) why doesn't she admit to being pissed?

3) Old VW Polo ad
Precious princess type, whining at her boyfriend about her present. Being blindfolded and driven in a new car. Listing everything she wants a car to be (which the advertised car is, see they're clever these ad-men) then being disappointed that it's "only" a VW. Last line is from her boyfriend who tells her "the car isn't the surprise". Unfortunately it stops there, but I've always imagined that she reacts, takes in the deserted beach they've driven too, looks back and finds her boyfriend aiming a high-calibre machine gun at her over made-up face which he unloads in short, violent bursts having been whined at one too many times.

Okay maybe that last one is just me and I should seek perfessional help.

So anyone any ideas on how they would turn the tables of the ads that get up your nose?

14:08 / 03.02.04

The Doritos 'Friend-chips' ads to end with a fatal house fire.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

15:21 / 03.02.04

THAT Pepsi ad ends with the lions leaping past the Emperor and attacking Pink, Beyonce and Britney. For the kids.

The next McDonalds ad, big shot of some obese, ill-looking person eating a burger then dying as the grease clogged up his one still-functioning artery.

16:53 / 03.02.04

the "aromatic spices" one...

it should end on the phone dangling loose, her friend still on the phone, and her arm just in shot, a spiral of blood trickling down it. as the camera pulls back, we realise that she has been stabbed through the throat, impaling her against the wall behind her and snagging the phone cord on the way.

the line "if i'm still alive" should have enough reverb on the 'alive' that it is still ringing in our heads when we see the boyfriends face, immediately prior to the shot of the phone, a single solitary fleck of blood resting like a tear under his eye.

if you need help, so do i.

Whisky Priestess

17:00 / 03.02.04

Surely the VW ad should end with him just driving off and leaving the silly bitch stranded. Perhaps he's written "I'm shagging your best friend" in the sand for her?

17:25 / 03.02.04

The Doritos 'Friend-chips' ads to end with a fatal house fire.

Or Kelly Osbourne and her dad eat all their heads.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:04 / 03.02.04

No, "If I'm still alive" should ring on over a shot of the annoying female's empty fucking head, sitting on a bed of rice, garnished with vegetables, and wearing a startled expression. And with an apple in its mouth.

20:25 / 03.02.04

Any of those Vauxhall ads that have splurged out recently with cars driving inches away from each other at high speed. The end? A large pile up with Vauxhall execs in various states of decapitation.

Incidentally, the first time I saw one of these, I was narrowly missed when I had to brake sharply down from 60mph to a halt due to a big queue. Took me all the stopping distance I had left (which was quite a lot).
The two cars behind which hadn't left so much distance veered off into the verge: the second scraped down the left side of the first before coming to a stop about four cars on up the bank.
I was so shaken by what might have happened if the twats behind had been even closer that I wrote to the ASA about the Vauxhall ads. Apparently, it's OK, as there is clearly no-one driving the cars. Wha...?

20:28 / 03.02.04

Sorry, looks like I was watching TV while driving, doesn't it? I meant "I had been narrowly missed a few days earlier".

21:25 / 03.02.04

Linda Barker's Currys adverts. The Scissormen from Doom Patrol. You know what I'm saying.

11:00 / 04.02.04

I really like the woman from the "aromatic spices" ad. I suppose it could end with her running off with the woman on the other end of the phone rather than staying with smug stupid-faced boyfriend.

11:12 / 04.02.04

Deva, you must be the only person I have ever met who's come down on her side and not his. I really don't think he is smug, I just thing that he's a bit pleased that, having cooked a fairly decent meal, the lady in his life will possibly stop taking the piss out of his tiny willy for a couple of hours and actually concede that she likes his company. Or something.

The women is clearly awful, with her annoying voice and sexist ingratitude.

11:12 / 04.02.04

The Direct Line advert where the woman tells her bloke that with the money he's saved on his insurance, she can buy him lunch.

They pull over and he looks across the street at a cheap cafe. When she looks at him disapprovingly, he says "Well, look after the pennies".

The advert ends here.

I would continue the advert as follows:

They get out of the car and go to cross the road.

SPLAT.

14:44 / 04.02.04

the 'aromatic spices' ad needs no change, as i think i've said before: the very last frame of the vert-proper (before the obligatory product-shot + after the words 'make me another and i'll tell you') is a brief shot of boyfriend's face, where the expression triptrapping acroos his face couldn't be clearer, or more to be applauded. the facial expression says, paraphrased, 'i'm going to leave this bitch'. which he should.

(of course the evil subbtext of that is 'our quasi-foreign food = samadhi', which sadly undermines the decent exoteric interpretation that some lazy ingrates just need leaving.)

Whisky Priestess

17:49 / 04.02.04

They get out of the car and go to cross the road.

SPLAT.

Should've got Direct Line life insurance, huh?

18:16 / 04.02.04

Deva, you must be the only person I have ever met who's come down on her side and not his.

I know. I worry about what significance it might have sometimes, especially having seen how high feelings on the subject run over in the other advert thread. But I really like her voice, and he has a face (and a confident "advert-style" declamation of the virtues of his cooking) that annoys me.

20:19 / 04.02.04

Well, one interpretation would be that the bloke is smug because he knows that she is such an awful cow that no-one else would possibly have her. He also knows that the nasty gunk he's feeding her cost less than a jazz mag and will probably get him a shag ("Give me another and I'll tell you") after which he can with full justification dump her.

It's a very short version of Sex and the City for men.

08:14 / 05.02.04

That Autoglass "cracks catch up with you" ad? He blows up from all the cracks.

13:50 / 06.02.04

one interpretation would be that the bloke is smug because he knows that she is such an awful cow that no-one else would possibly have her.

Or he's having a secret fling (god I'm old-fashioned) with the friend she's just been chatting to on the phone. Either works for me.

17:06 / 06.02.04

I find it mildly disturbing that the "aromatic spices" advert is the only one I can think of showing a man doing a "household task" without getting praised by a woman for it, and everyone wants to punish the woman. Probably I'm just being reductive, though.

17:44 / 06.02.04

I dunno about that. Jamie Oliver shops and cooks. Ainsley Harriot does the washing up. Mr. Muscle cleans just about everything else. The bleary-eyed Ronseal bloke does exactly what it says on the tin...

18:31 / 06.02.04

Not to forget the bloke who used to be in "Brushstrokes" (UK lithers only I'm afraid) and his, almost fetish approach to cleaning and the products he uses (whose name escapes me at the moment, oh yes it's "Flash" isn't it).

18:34 / 06.02.04

Karl Rowman isn't it? He scares me.

19:16 / 06.02.04

Deva- what about the flash adverts? I suppose the guy's praised a little, but he doesnt punish his wife. She clearly punishes him by ensuring that the bath is always reeaally grimy so he can demonstrate Flash vs Brand X on either side of it.

19:56 / 06.02.04

A new one.
Febreze.
The one with a dog "freshening" (read manky chemical smell) the house while people are out.
It all loks lovely doesn't it? As anyone with real pets will know the real ending is the dog or cat getting inflamed bleached feet (and occasionally mouth).
So, my suggestion is to have the owners return home and crawl around on all fours while trying desperately to lick their suppurating feet and hands.

22:05 / 06.02.04

gingerbop - yeah, but the point of the Flash adverts is always that he's pretending to do housework, and the woman always returns at the end to comment on how well he's done it - she's the one whose domain it is. I suspect the "aromatic spices" one is at least intended to be a response to that tendency in adverts (it still suggests that it's unusual for the man to cook and that the woman is the ultimate judge/arbiter of his success or failure). I am cheating slightly, though, because cooking is different, because boys are chefs (Jamie Oliver, as you say, Smoothly).

I want all the adverts where they heterosexualize inanimate objects - the teddy bears in the Velux ads, the dreadful teen het couple in the Comfort ads, the debit cards that merge in the form of heterosexual penguin debit cards - to have gay endings.

23:14 / 06.02.04

The penguins are straight? I'm no expert at sexing artic fowl and I suspect you're quite right, but in my usual 'not paying attention' tv input I thought that both their singing voices were female. Or at least, you know, penguins.

I'd like at least one of the Renault arse-wagglers to slip a disc. The Smirnoff Ice Smug Bastard to get arrested for stealing hard-earned tips and hanging around in the Ladies. Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the International Hackers syndicate, all the evil hackers start to wonder quite why they've collectivised and gathered in a single, central location and decide to form a co-operative. Finally, Mr. Carl Groves of Barnes slipped on some ice outside his home and badly bruised his buttocks. He contacted Claims Direct and we told him to grow up, get a life and face the fact that sometimes bad shit just happens.

08:24 / 07.02.04

Orr - I thought they were lesbian penguins at first, so I paid attention, but there's a couple of little "straight" markers in there (one of them has eyelashes [& lipstick?], the other doesn't). They could just be an old-skool butch/femme lesbian penguin couple, maybe.

09:56 / 07.02.04

Anyone seen the AA advert where 'Bev & Kev' pull up and see that the car nextdoor is themselves, or rather the people they could have been if they had shown the good sense to go with the AA. Here's my little addition to the script:

"Kev"
"Bev"
"Kev"
"Bev"
"Listen to this dude, Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

17:35 / 07.02.04

Have the duck from the Aflak (supplemental insurance) ads be exposed to radiation vis-a-vis military experiment gone wrong and grow to enormous size and strength. He then proceeds to rampage and destroy Wall Street, all the while fending off stealth fighters, attack drones and cruise missiles.

The ad ends in a fiery apocalypse at the White House: nuclear mushroom cloud, dead soldiers and feathers everywhere...And there, streaking across the skyline in a fiery blaze, a familiar duck-shaped form crashing into the Atlantic Ocean, while the voice of Gilbert Godfrey screams out in orgasmic frenzy: AAAAAFFFFFLLLLLAAAACCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it should be shown at the next Superbowl.

18:41 / 07.02.04

I find it mildly disturbing that the "aromatic spices" advert is the only one I can think of showing a man doing a "household task" without getting praised by a woman for it, and everyone wants to punish the woman. Probably I'm just being reductive, though.

possibly.
im not entirely confident i understand the word reductive here, so i am not best to judge.
if it helps at all, i would say that the lack of praise has nothing to do with my position... i just think the lady has a terrible voice, and hits just the wrong notes with it at least once. i also dislike people who talk shit about me on the phone, and assume that most people feel the same way.

its just rude to take the piss 'behind someones back'(in the sense that he is not allowed to rebut) and in front of their face at the same time, y'know?

for this, she must die.

20:00 / 07.02.04

That's it exactly. The simple word is belittling. Despite all the parallels you may draw with men not appreciating the women in their lives (finding it VERY hard to think of an example), show me one where the man belittles the woman after about 1980. She is belittling him and that is nasty.