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Breaking Into Your House, For Dummies

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:53 / 20.01.04

Hello Barbelith.

Working for "the man" has never agreed with me, so I have decided to embark on a life of crime. I am not a violent person (indeed I consider myself a pacifist in keeping with the teachings of Grant Morrison), so I believe that I will be best served by a career in house burglarising. I know that you folk are a helpful lot, always happy to share knowledge, so I was wondering if anyone has any experience with house burglaring, or handy hints which you could share. What are the "do" and "don't" es? The "no-no" and "yes-yes" es?

I would be especially grateful if any of you who are homeowners yourselves could share with me some personal information, such as where you keep your spare set of keys, and the code for your burglar alarms if indeed you have any. When do intend to go away on holiday next? Do you have a dog, and how is he most easily subdued?

Many thanks, I love you all!

11:04 / 20.01.04

I guess it depends on how serious you are about this and how tough you are, I mean can you fight? If your worried about getting beaten up that maybe you should start with sheltered housing they're like gold mines so many homes under one complex, the obvious problems with these is the pay off, the older generation tends not to have all your mod cons, PS2's and DVD players...

You've got size on your side though, being only 4' you'll be able to get into small spaces.

11:13 / 20.01.04

Dear Flyboy,

May I congratulate you on your career choice. As a filthily rich multi-millionaire, I can recommend specialising in cat-burglary. This will bring you into contact with many interesting criminal characters, in particular louche fences, who will happily take on your purloined cash, furs, and costly jewels. In addition, the cat-burglar's costume is undoubtedly the most stylish of all the burglar's outfits.

Filthily rich multi-millionaires such as myself will, naturally, be somewhat miffed if you manage to evade their mastiffs, guards, booby-traps, death, etc., but the rewards are well worth it. I myself have in my safe at my London residence some particularly fine Cartier pieces and a Ming vase. If you would care to arrange an inspection prior to the burglary itself, please feel free to contact me.

I recommend taking a martial arts class, by the way, as filthily rich multi-millionaires such as myself are all experts in fencing, shooting, use of the shuriken, etc. As you are a pacifist in keeping with the teaching of Grant Morrison, I am sure this will not be beyond your capabilities.

Please accept my good wishes for your success in this most gentlemanly of careers.

Matthew Fluxington

11:14 / 20.01.04

You're such a showoff, Flyboy. It's all about the adventure for you, isn't it? Because we all know that embezzlement and fraud is a much easier and more lucrative method of stealing. Oh, but you want to burgle like the common man. Oh please, man. Quit the slumming; you're not cut out for it. You're a white collar crook at heart, my friend.

11:18 / 20.01.04

Come round my gaff and I'll fucking shoot you, you pikey little scrote.

And there's not a jury in the land would condemn me for that.

Tryphena Absent

11:20 / 20.01.04

Flyboy, do you intend to start a burglarising gang? I want you to know that I support you fully in this venture. My training as an acrobat could come in handy and my gun which was bought for me for Christmas may come in very handy. Also you can't drive but I can and how can you transport big amounts of jewels when you're walking? You might have to just steal faberge eggs and while that is lucrative it might be good to steal other things like DVD players.

11:21 / 20.01.04

Something else you might want to look into are the basic skills, searching for "how to pick locks" will give you various helpful websites, also think about a uniform, black of course and a good large bag for your haul.

KKC is being helpful but I think moving straight onto millionaires is a little unpractical, far too much security.

11:22 / 20.01.04

By the way, regarding your topic abstract:

To "rob" is to steal property with violence or with the threat of violence.

Presuming a big girl's blouse and confirmed pacifist like yourself would wait until the householders are either away on holiday or asleep in bed, in which case your abstract should read: "I want to burgle you of all that you own. Please help. Thanks!"

If you manage to break into my property and escape without both barrels blowing your colon into your nasal passage, I suggest you leave the TV and take either my copy of "Fowler's Usage" or Keith Waterhouse's Newspaper Style.

Ex

11:26 / 20.01.04

Hello Mr Boy (may I call you Fly?).

I, too, feel that you will be wasted as a common burgler of houses.
Most heartbreaking will be the fact that you will undoubtedly get to handle some lovely items - spanking new shiny microtechnology, pristine rare edition LPs by Remy Zero (still in their cellophane), highly specialist incunabula nun porn.
Then you'll have to palm these priceless bibelot off on a shifty bloke you meet in a car park somewhere for a fistful of fivers. You will end up being haggled down to a tenth of the item's true worth.
Take up a profession where you can give these things the respect they deserve, get them to the collectors who appreciate them, and receive the financial reward you deserve: Confidence trickster/gigolo.
All best wishes.

11:35 / 20.01.04

Fistful of Tigers?

I don't think you guys are taking Flyboys request seriously.

And Ex is right about Confidence tricksters as one myself I find the job most rewarding but it's nothing like basic house breaking and I find the fact that your bunching them together quite insulting.

12:09 / 20.01.04

I'm staying out of this. I discovered that B'n'E was not the career for me last time I broke into my house. Tragically, I fell foul of the law, and had to make three pissed-off cops numerous cups of tea while I convinced them I was not a nicking pikey scrote at all but a nice middle-class boy who actually lived there.

12:54 / 20.01.04

Flyboy, it's a lot trickier than you might think. The prioritizing of what to take prize can reduce newcomers to an almost helpless state of confusion, in and of itself. I've found that when introducing one to The Trade, it is often helpful to put things in a context that they can easily identify with. So, why don't you give us the details on your place, and I can walk you through just how one would go about doing things.

Help me to help you, Flyboy.

14:18 / 20.01.04

Dear Mr Boy,

I am glad hear that you are giving consideration to what might be your true vacation. Congratulations!! I wish you all the best in your new “career”, Might I add I think you might wish to give some serious consideration to the type of burglar you wish to be, and take measures to kit yourself out in the appropriate attire. As Kit Kat Club has suggested the cat burglars traditional uniform of stripy shirt, mask cap and a bag marked swag is indeed a fine creation but I find this best suited for purloining of expensive jewellery from Wet End Hotels. If you plan to rob, say, the rich of Hampstead, I suggest you dress up in rags, affect the demeanour of a small child and attach yourself to a local chimney sweep. I have it on good authority, that the aristocracy of West London still employ small children as “sweeps”. I look forward to the day when I might see you covered in rags and soot, sprinting down Hampstead High St, clutching a sliver fruit bowl, perhaps pursued by a distressed elderly gentleman wearing a monocle.

If on the other hand, you are planning to “turn over” some council houses and old age people’s homes, then really, only one attire fits – that of the cheap shell suit or sportswear, a baseball cap and perhaps a couple of sovereign rings purchased with your ill-gotten gains. This outfit also goes remarkable well with the offence of taking and driving away, and one even feels remarkably at home in it simply hanging around outside a local off licence or 7-11, trying to shoplift pornography or chocolate.

You may recall at a recent Barb meet, I took you to task for not taking your responsibilities to drinking seriously. I happen to believe for the best results in burglary one should be drunk. This works particularly well with the last of the above three categories, though for optimum realism one should combine it with solvent abuse.

14:48 / 20.01.04

I have a rather sneaky feeling that this is a direct reference to my post.. Flyboy?

15:32 / 20.01.04

*blinks slowly*

Gee, you think?

We're The Great Old Ones Now

16:09 / 20.01.04

Is that rat bastard Flyboy using irony again? I think someone oughta break into his computer and Show Him.

16:41 / 20.01.04

Here are just a few hints from off the top of my head.

If you have a bad feeling about the job, walk away no matter how great the payoff.

Kiling is too easy, and if you use it as your solution to a problem, you may find yourself relying on it all the time. This way leads to the Chair.

If you are considering gathering together a gang of like-minded criminals, remember that there is always one member who says he or she is going to quit after this job but doesn't, and another person who plans on a doublecross.

Good luck!

18:04 / 20.01.04

There are of course a number of problems inherent in this course of action, Flyboy, especially if one is going to put oneself at risk. My suggestion is to employ a sizeable gang of children - street urchins work best, 8 to 15 years of age in numbers of 10 or so - to do the dirty work for you. That way any problems are instantly resolved by the moral dilemma faced by anyone catching your gang at work of whether or not to contact the law. If they do, their age will almost certainly ensure that charges are dismissed when they're up before the beat.

Might I also advocate the establishing of some form of safe house from which you can operate? Disguising it as a laundry would be a bonus...

18:36 / 20.01.04

Actually Flyboy the best way to pursue this is depending on how much money that you want to make, or if you are doing this for the adrenaline rush that goes along with it. The firs thing you need to find is a fence, someone who will buy your stolen merchandise. Bail Bondsmen are good, Drug Dealers or friends with money. Pawn Shops are terrible, especially now that police frequent these regularly looking for stolen goods. Bail Bondsmen are especially good for occassions when you get yourself into some legal trouble. Now you have to decide if you want finesse or if you want to be the smash and grab type guy. Finesse requires some rather expensive equiptment at times and hours of learning skills that are necessary. I would suggest getting a job as an alarm installer on commercial and residential properties, this way you can learn alarm systems in and out and also scope out prospects. Then go from there, or... You could do smash and grab robberies, basically finding houses out in the country or kind of secluded. Check to make sure no one is home, knocking on the door, asking for directions if someone answers or whatever... if no one answers simply apply force on the door, it is amazing how easily wood splinters when kicked a few times, and enter the property and grab obviously expensive items, Leave obvious items like TV and stereo unless you just want one for yourself, go through bedroom drawers and closets, much better finds like unused credit cards, jewelry, guns and believe it or not cash... Cash is always king, anyway it is always better to do this with someone you always need a look out. Anyway good luck and happy looting.

22:18 / 20.01.04

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

02:32 / 26.01.04

Breaking into my house is painfully easy, since I have to do it about twice a year.

There is a window in the dining room that you can shove inward, then slide to the side and climb in. And if you rob me, take everything but my Zatanna action figure to clutch to my chest as I rock on the floor and cry that all of my nifty keen stuff has been taken.

DAMN YOU!!!!

03:24 / 26.01.04

Oh good. I thought I had killed this thread.

09:36 / 26.01.04

Fuck you for stealing my flowering beard, Flybastard.

14:24 / 26.01.04

You should start off small just to test out your nerves. Walk along a dark street and look into cars. When one of them doesn't have a blinking light that indicates an alrm system try the door. If it opens take whatever you can find and leave. (Little rumour which I've heard: If you've got the steroid-induced muscles you can lift a car at a 45 degree from the front thereby activating the mercury switch inthe car which disables the car alarm. This is why car alarms never go off while being towed.)

Practice lock picking pin tumbler locks. Know how to rake the pins as well as pick them individually. Learn how to lockpick with latex gloves on. After some practice you'll be able to pick pin-tumbler locks within 10 - 45 seconds. Most locks are a joke.

To get money to buy lockpicks you should do this:

Find a house that's far away from a police station. and that doesn't have an alarm system (if it does you can disable the alarm system by cutting the power. Alarm systems work on a house's own power and thereby are particularly vulnerable to failure during blackouts. There are other ways to get around alarm systems but I don't know them.) and then find a window that's unlocked. Usually unlocked windows have a mosquito net installed over them. Push in on the center of the mosquito net until one edge gives way. Then grab that edge and twist the mosquito netting until you can take it out of the window. Now press your palms against the window and push up (you should be wearing latex gloves.) Now you're in! Grab as much stuff as you can, look in clothing drawers and under mattresses to find hidden stashes of stuff. Then leave after about 3 minutes.

Then go to your local thieves guild and steal an application.

14:39 / 26.01.04

Oops. Heh. Heh. almost forgot.

To subdue dogs bring along chocolate ice cream. Bring a box. A box of chocolate ice cream (bring the chocolatiest chocolate ice cream which you can find) will kill 2 small dogs or 1 big dog. Just open it up and quickly shove it through the fence. The dogs will eat it up and 2 hours later they'll be dead or too sick to care about you. Now, i'm not recommending the killing of animals or of burglary but it's chocolate! CHOCOLATE!

16:02 / 26.01.04

FWIW, latex gloves will leave prints if you've kept them on for any length of time or are applying sufficient pressure.

16:26 / 26.01.04

Leave prints where? In the gloves?

16:30 / 26.01.04

No, the gloves conform tightly to the surface of the hand, and leave a latex residue on what you're touching.

16:37 / 26.01.04

and don't forget to live in a small room with a bucket of shit and three killers who anally rape you to prepare for what happens if you get caught.

17:23 / 26.01.04

You're never going to be successful with negative thinking like that.

21:55 / 27.01.04

Jesus, You're right. I must re-read Dale Carnegie's How to pick locks and Burgle People. and buy myself a nice pink shirt. Come to that, I feel a thread coming on....