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The dating game

EE

21:06 / 26.12.03

So I've been seeing a girl (Ms. X) now for about two months. We've decided to "just date" and not do the relationship dance, but I get the feeling she only agreed to that because, despite her really wanting me to agree to the gig, she knew I had no intention of getting another girlfriend. I still have scars from the last one, and not the emotional kind. My goddam hand was numb for a month. Or maybe I'm overestimating Ms. X's attraction to me. It's possible...I guess (narcississtic? Me?).

The question is, now that we've gotten it clear that we're only "dating", am I obligated in any way to tell her of my plans to occasionally fool around with other women? I don't plan to take any of these women to even the same level as my current Ms. X, but I know that Ms. X will get upset if she learns about it, which is a possibility. I mean, we've decided to not be actually exclusive, so I have no guilt about seeing other women for a night or two, but I'm wondering if it's my duty to warn Ms. X that this is something I "may pursue, should the opportunity arise, you know, not that I'm really planning anything with anyone".

So do I tell her, or just play it cool and try to avoid the dangerous scene that will follow should she discover my little diversions? Can I go ahead and oficially assume that it's none of her business?

Brigade du jour

22:30 / 26.12.03

All I can advise is that it's totally between you two guys and you two guys alone. I know that probably doesn't sound very helpful, but sure hey, I never even met you, right? ;-)

I suppose this is one of those times when you consider that maybe being free and single and uncommitted isn't necessarily easier than being in a 'reelayshunshipp' (my misspelling indicates my deep distaste for the word!). For myself, I wouldn't have it any other way, which is why I'm trying to think what the situation was and is with the last couple of women I, ahem, shall we say 'knew'.

Basically we just sat down and talked quite explicitly about how we actually felt about each other, whether that might be "ooh I think I might be in love with you" or "I just fancy the pants off you" or "we had a really nice pizza and sex, but actually you used my special toothbrush afterwards, and your kneepits smell". But a salient point there is that we didn't make a big deal out of it, by making a special appointment to go somewhere and discuss 'where we should go from here' or whatever.

Just answer Ms X's questions honestly, and ask her the questions that you really want to know the answers to. Maybe it's not a good idea to come out with "hey, I shagged someone else the other night, is that okay?" because it may seem rather tactless. But if she says "have you shagged anyone else?" then for christ's sake don't lie to her.

I don't know, I hope some of this has been of some use. One other thing though, ask yourself whether you really do want to play around with other women. If the answer is yes, then it sounds like she really does like you more than you do her. If it's no then hey, this could be something special. But you probably worked that out for yourself, didn't you?

01:34 / 27.12.03

this is the trouble w/dating! you always, like, kid yrself, like, ok, it's just a date, or whatever, then soon yr DATE-ing, you know, then it's like, "where's this going"...it's a natural progression. ik. the trouble w/"dating" ppl w/o being in a "reelayshunship" is that usually someone's lying to themselves, the other person, or both. oftentimes, in my experience, people will say they're fine w/things as they are, but really they're just *waiting* for the other person to come around and commit. the other trouble w/dating more than one person at once is that, say yr w/person b, and ze says, "what did you do last night?" and last night you went out w/person a. what are you gonna say, "uh, went out on a date w/someone who isn't you"? i mean, even if yr *allowed* to do it, it's not exactly...polite or something to say that, feel me? plus, you usually end up catchin feelings for one or more persons, which in turn tears you up inside, you feel confused, guilty, etc.
having said all that, i am not by any means morally against gettin yr swerve on w/more than one person at once. (swerve, not groove, as groove = commitment) rock on in yr youthful abandon and good luck! it's tricky out there...

We're The Great Old Ones Now

21:04 / 27.12.03

It's supposed to depend on the rules around you. Actually, though, if Miss X wants you for her very own and you've no intention of acceeding to her wish, what the hell are the two of you up to? She's buying heartbreak and you're investing in angst. By the way, though the whole thing about "I'm too scarred to care for anyone" is usually horseshit. Unless your ex tried to kill you, the chances are that your scars are crying out for the balm of a good new person.

21:16 / 27.12.03

If you have agreed, and only if you have mutually agreed, not to be exclusive, I see no problem with it, and wouldnt tell her, but as brigade said, for fuck sake dont lie to her if she asks you straight up.
That whole thing is a minefield I wouldnt be playing in, but if you, and mrs X are comfortable with it, then go and do what you bloody well want.

18:25 / 28.12.03

Although, if you're at risk of self-harming, which it sounds like you are unless your last girlfriend was just an extreme kinda thang, then it would seem to me that seeing two women at once is a fairly fast-track way to ending up in another situation that you'll turn on yourself in.

EE

18:27 / 28.12.03

By the way, though the whole thing about "I'm too scarred to care for anyone" is usually horseshit. Unless your ex tried to kill you, the chances are that your scars are crying out for the balm of a good new person.

Well, I don't think it was attempted murder, to be honest. She just bit me real hard and tore a bunch of nerves in my wrist. It's useful as an interesting story, but you're correct in that it's no argument against monogamy.

So when she asks me "Have you been with any other people since we hooked up?" I'm just screwed either way, honest or not. Sweet.

11:56 / 29.12.03

If you're right, EE, and Ms. X only acquiesced to this arrangement because it's the only way she can have any kind of relationship with you, then I predict that she won't ask that question. If she does, and you fear that she won't appreciate an affirmative response, then perhaps *that* is something you should discuss. I gather that the conversation, which led to the decision to “just date”, would have made your attitude towards extra-curricular sex plain. I can only imagine her asking about it again as a prelude to reviving that particular discussion.