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Make up your own daft film content warnings

Brigade du jour

10:29 / 24.12.03

Inspired by Baz Auckland's Big Fish thread over in Film, Tv & Theatre, and more specifically the link to the film' trailer, I thought it would be jolly festive fun (snort, snort!) to make up film content warnings for the benefit of parents unsure of whether to bring along the tots to see Bambi Goes Crazy Apeshit Bonkers With His Drill And Sex part 4 or not.

The one that always gets me, and it's usually on LOTR or Spider-Man or other 12A movies, is Contains mild fantasy violence and some coarse language.

I think you get the idea. Off you go then!

Sax

10:40 / 24.12.03

The Hulk
Contains cartoony monsters, mostly unconvincing

Love Actually
Hugh Grant in most scenes; several incidents of foppishness

Linus Dunce

11:24 / 24.12.03

Ooh yes, these things get my goat.

"Contains scenes of mild peril followed by happy ending. Typical kids' story really, they'll love it, however, you may have to put some work into parenting rather than offloading your responsibilities onto the British Board of Film Classification and then whining about your own, grown-up films being cut to ribbons. God knows how you managed to spawn, you neurasthenic little feck."

Saint Keggers

12:57 / 24.12.03

Spiderman
Warning! This movie contains a PowerRangers villain and actors more annoying than Wil Wheaton.

cusm

15:04 / 24.12.03

LOTR
May cause bladder discomfort

Matrix
Unable to meet cultural expectations

Rev. Orr

22:40 / 24.12.03

Withnail and I
Viewers make experience uncontrollable spasms of quotation.

Showgirls
Tits but no titilation...

City of God
May cause jaw-droppage and occasional gasping.

Live Nude Girls
Not about what you think it is...

I Capture the Castle
Twee factor 7, Mr. Sulu.

Moonwalker
WARNING: may contain nuts.

Blakes 7
Scenes of velour. May induce slash

01:47 / 25.12.03

I think that this warning should be required by law wherever applicable:

ER
Warning- Contains scenes featuring Eric Roberts. May be unsuitable for viewing by humans.

cusm

12:52 / 25.12.03

SF
Contains scenes of implied homo-eroticism sure to inspire the writing of Slash Fiction

Brigade du jour

17:14 / 25.12.03

TITANIC
Contains Celine Dion but only in small doses.

JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK
Contains 80s hero Judd Nelson but good luck spotting him.

AN OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
Contains the C word even though we've only given it a 15 certificate!

THE FRENCH CONNECTION II
Contains abrupt endings, Roy Scheider absence and France abuse.

uncle retrospective

01:40 / 27.12.03

Star Wars II Attack of the Clones.
May molest your inner child.

rizla mission

11:26 / 27.12.03

I absolutely love warnings on video boxes of "mild horror". Pirates of the Caribbean goes one better though with "some moderate horror".

Eloi Tsabaoth

11:30 / 27.12.03

Contains moderate blood-curdling imagery of needle-fingered pus-demons who want to rip your soul from your body, plus one swear-word.

Eloi Tsabaoth

11:36 / 27.12.03

Scanners:
Contains one awesome bit where this guy's fucking head explodes, and my friend Scab said that it was real and the director who is dave carlsberg went to jail or something because of it only he's full of shit, because when you slow it down you can see it's a special effect where they probably used a dead chicken or something, but anyway its still really cool and they should make a sequel or they could make a prequel and it could have the rock in it, or vin diesel because he hasn't done anything good since pitch black because a man apart wasn't nearly as cool as that.

cusm

17:22 / 27.12.03

Here's one I'd like to see for real:

HF
Contains reality altering content that may fuck with your head.

The Knights Templar Boogie Machine

21:27 / 27.12.03

Suspiria - WARNING : - contains exciting gore scenes with explicit tedium in the mid section. ( Like most of argentos work

...heh heh)

Requiem for a dream - WARMING : - Spending time trying to find the actual point of the movie only wastes braincells, stay content with the scenes of wall puching despair...Alternatively leave it out on your coffee table to impress your pseudo intellectual mates

Tetsuo - the iron man - :WARNING : -Scientists have found theres only so much transgressive body morphing drill dicking action the human mind can take before it succumbs to boredom. Unless you are stellarc, then its just an average day for you.....

Star Wars episode 1+2 - : WARNING : CGI does not look real in any way, and may patronise your nervous system. Although a lot of money is spent on it, you can't polish a turd...
(in no way am i trying to go one better then uncle retrospectives very true warning

)

YojimboUK

13:31 / 29.12.03

School of Rock:
Warning: contains children.

Matrix Reloaded:
Warning: contains too much philosophy.

Matrix Revolutions:
Warning: back away from the DVD with your hands in the air.

Brigade du jour

17:02 / 29.12.03

"Star Wars II Attack of the Clones.
May molest your inner child."

Sorry Knights Templar Boogie Machine, but uncle retrospective did put it best!

diz

17:45 / 29.12.03

Waking Life WARNING: Will remind you of that time in college you got stuck in a dorm room waiting for a ride while you were stuck with three not-very-bright stoners, who were engaged in a marathon of bong hits and "deep insights" about life, time, and the universe for three hours. you kept calling every fifteen minutes to see what was taking so long. sometime in the middle of hour two you began to despair and seriously think you had died and gotten stuck in some cannabis-tainted version of No Exit. yeah, you know the night i'm talking about. this movie is like that.

Our Lady of The Two Towers

17:46 / 30.12.03

A general warning-

'Warning. Contains actors who you will recognise but be unable to place, forcing you to spend days annoying people by going "fuck, what did I see him/her/it in before?"'

Inspired by the fact that over Christmas I realised the reason that Sam Rockwell was so familiar in Charlies Angels was that I'd already seen him in Galaxy Quest.

pointless and uncalled for

09:45 / 01.01.04

Spirited Away
Warning - this film is very likely to twist your tiny gaijin mind in ways you never imagined. Lucky for you it's like good sex - It's not sure where it's starting, it builds in a very satisfying manner, the ending is something like what you were hoping for and tomorrow you'll not quite remember every detail and hope you can have some more soon.

Hard Boiled
Warning - even the most pacifist fashion victims will want to rush straight out and buy two guns and a polo neck.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Warning - when leaving the auditorium you will not be able to get past the crown by running along the walls and you certainly don't have a sword to draw on that slow walking idiot in front of you.

Harold Washington died for you

10:13 / 01.01.04

TITANIC

Warning: Emasculating tears jerked

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