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Telegram From Santa

Spyder Todd 2008

17:21 / 06.12.03

DEAR SPYDER STOP RECIEVED CHRISTMAS LIST STOP YOU STUPID FUCKER STOP NOT ONLY DID YOU PLAN ON KIDNAPPING THE POPE THIS YEAR BUT YOU ALSO BOUGHT A TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR LEATHER JACKET AND YOURE A VEGITARIAN STOP YOU WILL NOT RECIEVE THE BATMOBILE STOP YOU WILL NOT RECIEVE THE ROCKET SHIP STOP YOU WILL RECIEVE NOTHING BUT COAL STOP THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING A PUTZ STOP TRUELY YOURS SANTA CLAUS FINAL STOP

17:26 / 06.12.03

I feel so violated.

17:42 / 06.12.03

Dear Sue,
Recieved your letter. It came at a time when it was quite needed. I had just run out of toilet paper and there was your letter and seeing as how much crap it already contained...

Every year you make sure to tell me how much you've sucked up to me by leaving me 'milk and cookies'. Guess what? Your cookies tasted like the reason I ran out of toilet paper...and IM LACTOSE INTOLERANT which you would know if you bothered to ask instead of going on and on about yourself.
As for what you want for christmas.
Item 1: No girl your age should be wearing something like that unless she was working it on the streets of Tawain. And I dont give a fuck if Britneys wearing it. She can blow goats for all I care.
Item 2: A kitten. A kitten. How fucking cruel do you think I am. Leaving a cute cuddle kitten in your care would be as smart as raising baby kangaroos in a minefield. I'd give you 20 minutes before you have some part of the kitten stuffed into an electrical outlet.
Item 3: Peace on Earth. How fucking sweet. I think im going to be diabetic. You think you're the first schmuck to ask for that? Im supposed to think 'Awwww how precious...she's thinking of others', fuck that. If I could do the whole peace on earth shtick you think i'd still be freezing my balls off every year handing out crap to morons like you? Nice try.
Instead of all that what you want for christmas shit you're getting whatever I can scrape off that infection Rudolph has on his nose.
So piss on you.

Hohoho and all that crap!

18:30 / 06.12.03

DEAR Q STOP SOMEONE IS TAKING YOUR IDEA AND FUCKING IT IN THE ARSE STOP ILL MAKE SURE THEY GET NOTHING BUT A MOUTH FULL OF BLOOD AND PAIN STOP TEETH REPLACED WITH CHAINS STOP DONT FORGET TO LEAVE OUT THE BEER AND NOOKIES THIS YEAR STOP NO I DONT MEAN COOKIES STOP LOVE DAD FULL STOP

18:59 / 06.12.03

SOMEONE IS TAKING YOUR IDEA AND FUCKING IT IN THE ARSE

As long as someone around here is getting some nookies I'm happy.

19:05 / 06.12.03

And yes, Santa is my dad--my full name is Qalyn Qlaus. He really talks like that, too.

21:36 / 06.12.03

DEAR AKIRA STOP NO YOU CANT HAVE THAT GIRL YOUVE ALWAYS FANCED FOR CHRISTMAS STOP SHE FUCKING HATES YOU STOP GET IT INTO YOUR THICK SCULL STOP EVEN IF YOU ARE A CHAMING WHITTY SMOOTH TALKING BASTARD STOP YES SHE CANNOT STAND THE SIGNT OF YOU STOP IM SANTA NOT JIM'LL FUCKING FIX IT YOU TWAT STOP FUCKOFF AND DIE LIKE SHE HOPES YOU DO STOP AND I HOPE YOUR SAY SOMETHING TO HER AND SHE BREAKS YOUR HEART AGAIN STOP YOU TWAT STOP

The Apple-Picker

01:52 / 07.12.03

Geez, I hope Santa didn't have to pay for all those typos.

02:38 / 07.12.03

santa didn't get his job whipping elves and reindeer by being SMART, y'know.

05:16 / 07.12.03

Santa's still trying to ween himself off Ritalin, Applepicker. Go easy.

Spyder Todd 2008

12:42 / 08.12.03

I love you, Q. Anyway, just got another one.

SPYDER YOU ASS FUCKER STOP WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STOP POSTING TELEGRAMS ON BARBELITH WHAT THE FUCK STOP I THINK ILL DUMP A FUCKING FRIEGHT TRAIN ON YOUR HOUSE ON CHRISTMAS EVE YOU BASTARD STOP I HOPE YOU GET STOMACH CANCER YOU PRICK STOP TELL MY FUCKWIT OF A SON TO LAY OFF THE RITALIN JOKES OR ILL BEAT HIS SORRY ASS STOP AND TELL HIM MOM SAYS HI STOP MERRY FICKING CHRISTMAS STOP SANTA CLAUS FULL STOP

14:09 / 08.12.03

ms claus just called from the spa on her mobile. she thinks you're all idiots, and wants this monkey business to stop immediately - you're ruining her post-massage pre-facial zen, which she needs for her impending Elven Equality presentation.

telegrams. cha.

Morlock - groupie for hire

16:38 / 08.12.03

Please, don't remind me of the telegrams. Every fucking year, regular as clockwork, in comes another order. The elf-porn is disturbing enough, but some of the rest of it?

I mean, I understand once, maybe twice, the adresses are quite similar, but five years in a row?

Spyder Todd 2008

16:46 / 08.12.03

Mrs Claus is just jealous cause my skin is better than hers.
Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwww Elf porn telegrams. Gross. Sucks to be M-cubed.