I don't understand people who call themselves a friend and act like they care until you actually need a shoulder to cry on, or you need to bounce something off them for feedback. Or gawd forbid, you actually need some reassurance.
Is it just me? Are only the people I call my friends, assholes? Not all my friends...just the closest ones to me...the ones I did my training with!. I am sure they are out to fucking destroy me. It is like a set up. Things are going good, they do not mind talking to me...things are going bad for me...and they pretty much tell me to fuck off and deal with my own shit, they don't have the time for me!
Is it not okay, when one is in a terrible situation - and I am - to need to discuss it with those that supposedly love them? Isn't that what friend's do? I feel so deceived and cheated by these idiots that tell me they love me. These are friends? Is it too much trouble for a one friend to ask another to listen and give some supportive verbal discourse? People who supposedly, want to be free to love whomever they want and use this charade of spreading love and being all polyamorous-like, when the only person they seem to love is themself...never really giving anyone else the love that it takes to make the relationship actually mean something.
If everytime you needed to talk to your friend or lover and they basically told you "deal with it yourself" or even worse, try to make you feel as if you deserve all negative things that happen to you, tell you to fuck off and abruptly hang up on you, leaving you feeling crushed...what would you do? The next day they are acting all nice again....I am confused and feel totally fucked off with the manipulation.
Who am I supposed to trust? The people I have trusted the most in my life are all acting like this. Now I cannot even trust myself because of these choices for friends. It feels like they want to destroy me.
What happened to compassion and honesty...communication? All this fuckin' desensitization finally catch up to them? Is it so wrong to actually *need*...I mean..please...The only time you will stop *needing* is when you are dead.
So no, I don't buy this whole I-am-striving-for-my-enlightenment-and don't-need-anyone-or-anything attitude. It is irresponsible bullshit...a lousy excuse for people like this to only feel it necessary respond to themselves and feel thw don't "owe" you squat. What they are not realizing is they are still acting out their own needs and their denial of their needs by seducing you for a while, getting really close to you, (all the while you are fulfilling all their needs), they learn all your secrets and then when you actually need them, they treat you like a leper. Love means responsibility, doesn't it? I am fed up of these people making me feel like I am unevolved and inadequate because they can't handle the responsibility of doing what it takes to actually be a loving person to those that love them.
I am all broken...and yet I am faced with the responsibility of loving my son...who not only needs me, but is dependant on me! These are my friends...these idiots who jeopordize my functionability by kicking me when I am down...making parenting very, very difficult for me.
I mean...fuck magick and warriors and everything if you are just going to use it as an excuse to be an utter asshole...if you are just going to use chaos theory as an excuse to lie and deceive people in the most clever way you can, and all your kindness is just a sheath for the knife you will eventually stick in my back or stab me in the heart...well, you know what?...you can fuck off.
What is wrong with people? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I am such a complete loser because of these interactions? Is it just me? Am I such a freak for wanting to have caring, supportive and loving people around them to communicate honestly with? What is with the strange trend I see in people to totally deny they have any needs at all? |
