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Suede's NY (do u C?) trip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
00:19 / 21.11.03
Guys! Incredible news! I don't know if any of you are aware of my secret indentity as a hot dog vendor, but even if you are, this is still gonna amaze you! Oh, wait, I guess I tell you what the surprise is in the title! But anyway!

Basically, there's a job vacancy due to some horrendous vegan riots that have been taking place in downtown New York. I expect you posters in New York haven't heard much about them what all your recent troubles. But basically those vegans are getting pretty out of hand, and they were asking the vendor if he had any soy-based hotdog snacks, and he said he didn't, and they said like fuck you man, you're against everything we believe in, and he said he was sorry they felt that way, but it was their choice and he respected that, and they said fuck you again and then deep fried and ate him.

Apparently they said it was their right, but everyone's saying they had just gone crazy due to lack of fresh meat. Apparently they all got taken in to custody and have all admitted they were wrong to try to live a vegan lifestyle, because only jungle people who talk to animals do that.

But hey! They needed someone to take over, and I'm the only one qualified enough, seeing as I had to deal with the incredible meat shortage of '89. They just want someone who can deal with any situation, in case something else arises. So the big manager of the hot dog vending company (we're not independant, we're all owned by him the world over) says I'm going to New York!

I am totally excited about this, I know this is a difficult time for all you guys, but I'm really hoping we can have some fun! I hope I see Spider-Man.

Has anyone got any suggestions of things to do? I thought I might go that street named after Joey Ramone, and talk about how all modern music is rubbish. I could probably do with a place to stay as well, until everything gets sorted out. There'll be free hotdogs in it for anyone who can help. I'm afraid condiments will still cost you, though (we're still working on a deal with the supplier, you wouldn't believe how expensive they are! I have to get mine directly imported from France).

Also, I am totally looking to score with a HOTT chick. I've been working on a Hugh Grant-like voice, do you think that's gonna help my chances? It would probably be better if she was a slut, too, as I will totally be cheating on her at any chance I get. I'm just hoping I can make the English thing work for me. If that fails, I guess I'll just have to fall back on the hotdogs.

If I'm lucky, maybe I'll even see a real life gay! From a distance, obviously.

I'm looking foward to seeing you guys! Once everything is finalised, I'll let you know when my flight gets in!

Here I come! You don't have scorpions in New York do you?
 
 
Tryphena Absent
09:03 / 21.11.03
This thread is offensive to vegans.
 
 
I'm Rick Jones, bitch
09:05 / 21.11.03
good.
 
 
rizla mission
10:08 / 21.11.03
What exciting news Suedehead.

I'm sure the myriad victims of this week's carnage will appreciate a break from hospital food.

Those vegans, eh? What are they like..
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:24 / 21.11.03
Holy shitballs! Tryphena, I really don't have time to deal with elitist liberal snobs like you, I was just saying they way it went down.

It ended up I actually went and got on a plane as soon as I'd written that post! It was nuts. There was a national security warning because of all that Bush nonsense, and so they had to bung me on a plane before the airways had to be cleared.

So I was hiding in the luggage area of the plane - because the company sending me can't really afford the tickets. I thought that was odd, but I stuck with it. There was a monkey in a cage next to me, and we exchanged a few glances, but that just made me nervous.

Eventually I nodded off after repeated failed attempts at stealing the monkey's banana. I soon woke with a start though, and all these hooded ninja types jumped at me from everywhere! I don't even know where they find these hiding places...

Anyway, it turns out it was all a big conspiracy! The hot dog company had got paid off to put me on this plane! I was shouting "I don't know who flux is! I don't know!" but I guess if that had been what it was about, I would have given the game away.

I was way wrong. Lurking in the corner, supported by a cane, was HAMMER! He'd been playing us all along! He went along with everything to get to the benefit show, and sabotage it! It was all planned...

I heard him say as me and his goons battled for dear life "Ha HA HA HA, now you know my true motives Mr Suede, now you know what it was all about, and I only arranged this so I could see that look on your face and then KILL YOU! CAN'T TOUCH THIS! BA BA BA BA DOO DOO"

It was totally fucked up. So anyway, these ninjas turned out to be the dancers from his famous "can't touch this video" and I got really confused about whether we were fighting or dancing. My pants were too small, anyway.

I managed to take a couple of them out by feigning the right moves (I've got MTV, bwoy.) and dispatching them with cold hot dogs to the eyes. A little mayo after that, and I was cornered, only to escape by throwing a hot dog with KETCHUP at them! Which as any real hotdog lover knows ruins the real hotdog. So they had to dodge it and I made my escape.

So I jumped out of the plane, luckily I had my hotdog vending trolley, which I have had modified. I pressed the secret button and acccidentally singed my fingers, because it was the wrong button. As I cursed my mistake, I fumbled and hit another button, and a hangglider mechanism protruded from my livlihood.

I've got NYC in my sights now, and we'll just have to put off all the other cool (HOTT!!!) stuff we can get up to until we sort this mess out!

I just put T. Rungren's "Saw the light" on my onboard stereo. It made me want to dance so much I nearly fell to my death!
 
 
Tryphena Absent
12:28 / 21.11.03
This thread is offensive to ketchup.
 
 
bitchiekittie
12:49 / 21.11.03
I think hot dogs are a vulgar affront to the culinary experience. your support of plasticy wiener molded scrap meat is representative of the ongoing oppression of fresh vegetables everywhere. for shame.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:50 / 21.11.03
Listen lady, you don't know anything about me and kethcup.

What was the first thing I learnt at hotdog vending school, huh? That you could never, ever, serve a hotdog with ketchup. That's just how the hotdog makers and conosieurs feel. DId I spell that righT? I'm at a pretty high altitude here, it's making my head go spinny.

Do you even know how hard it was for me? You don't know my terrible secrets. My mother didn't have any milk for me as a child, and I was weened on one of those "squeezy" bottles of tomato sauce. You might think; "wiat, surely that is a more expensive option?" but you'd be wrong. It's not when you are forced to sell your house to the ketchup company so they can build more factories. That was the only compensation we got.

And now... when I see Kethcup.. I just want to suckle on it. Do you even know how hard it is to NOT put ketchup on every hotdog? Now you see why I chose my path in life.

Thincking back, one of those hammer dacners who may or may not have been trying to kill me was totally hot. I wish I could see a way for us, but I think we're doomed to be apart forever.

I'm now listening to "Mr. I'm on fire Mr." by the liars, it is totally apt just swooping in to New York. Those mobsters don't know the strength of my hotdog-fu!
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
13:35 / 21.11.03
Ewwwww, I just tried to eat a hotdog with my special French mustard, and it toally made me heave. Combined with the news on my pop culture radar that the only band Timbaland now wants to produce is Coldplay (FACT) and I'm starting to question my own existence.

Someone help! I'm going down, I can't control it anymore! I'm going down precisely... uh... shit. Where the heck am I?

I think that's New York in front of me. Somewhere near New York? Can I call it New Yoik?

Am I even in the right place?
 
 
Tryphena Absent
14:00 / 21.11.03
This thread is offensive to New York.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
14:36 / 21.11.03
You better start taking this seriously young lady! This is life and death!

I *heart* New York.
 
 
bitchiekittie
14:40 / 21.11.03
yes, perhaps. but the depth and sincerity of my devotion can be seen in the beauty of the sentiment expressed below:

I ♥ New York


beat that, Mr. McWiener!
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
14:44 / 21.11.03
This isn't the time luv! (I said that like Spike from Buffy, wven though I am British).

I don't have time for these games! Someone get me to flux, or one of the others! I don't know where I am! Obviously, my special hotdog trolley sends out some kind of signal.

Well, it's more of a light. Ok, it's like the bat signal. With a weiner. Yes.

But we'll see who saves the day, won't we, huh?

Do you think I can pick up one of those t-shirts on the way? Can I meet that Merline girl? Is that even her names? But she sounds like my type. HOTT.
 
 
rizla mission
14:53 / 21.11.03
I fear your 'weiner signal' might be likely to attract the wrong kind of attention..

Use it wisely.
 
 
Spatula Clarke
19:58 / 21.11.03
Yes. Use it for good, not evil.
 
  
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