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Semipsychotic : Have You Seen Me?

  
 
Deadwings
12:21 / 19.11.03
Er. Recently I've fallen in with a very interesting person. She's had a profound effect on me, and seems to be... Well, this is going to sound really cheesy and stupid, and probably crazy (as well as self-important and dramatic) so bear with me. Inside me is darkness. Inky, black. When I close my eyes and listen down into myself it's like a slick of oil, spilling and throbbing and writhing like a living thing, absolute and black. This is how it looks. Not feels, looks. Anyway, I've been finding happiness in strange places since I opening myself up with this new person through various rituals. And now there's a light. It's infrequent, sweeping. The most accurate visual representation would be analagous to a deep-sea research vessel, sweeping spotlights over the ocean floor a million miles down where no sun ever shines. I can see fragments in the darkness now, when I meditate. Real things. As real as if they were directly in front of me, not imagined. Flickering glimpses as it sweeps across mechanical, moving things, like turbines, blue and green, luminous, spinning. Rooms, angles, the cast shadows in blue and purple and deep green across smooth, contoured walls of living and moving things. And then something different, deeper down through everything else. That scene in Alien, where the camera sweeps across the pipes and you can see the alien, nestled in, enmeshed and hidden, just barely, imagine. It's white like bone, glistening, inhuman, like a skull, but not of any organism I know, wrapped in some sort of opalescent flesh pitted with dark folds and sockets, far more numerous than anything I know, except maybe the chitinous remains of a particularly meanacing spider. But so much more... streamlined, sleek. A work of beauty and perfection. The light crossed it briefly. Part of it's head, a portion of chest visible. It noticed and withdrew, filled me with fear. The light swept back and it was further, I could see less, and again as it shrank further into the darkness. It's like I'm hunting something inside my own mind. It feels dangerous. Warning me away, and of course I'm curious. The woman I mentioned, she's frightened of getting close to me again, magickally. The last time she tried she wound up flipping out, jumping across the room and curled up twitching in the corner opposite me, saying that I looked like I 'had no eyes and was full of giant holes and it was sad and scary' and so. The vague description she gave fit what I'd seen, although I had not told her, and when questioned she said that yes, it had been white. So I'm wondering here if anyone has had any experiences with similar things, and if so, could I get a heads up on what I'm dealing with here?
 
 
Quantum
13:05 / 19.11.03
Hm, plumbing the depths of the inky subconscious, discovering scary creatures. There are (at least) two ways to look at it;
1) It's the horrible evil inside you you don't know about (I don't believe that) and you're the devil
2) It's a spirit guide. Traditionally the more terrifying the guide the more powerful, and the more helpful it will be to you.

Next time you see the darkness, swim out into it (despite the fear) and look for the thing like it was a dolphin, or else stay still and try to entice it to approach.
If you're worried it might be dangerous, load yourself up with protection spells and try it, or leave a silver cord trail behind you in case you get lost. But I don't think it is, I think you have a powerful ally you should befriend.
Don't let the fear make you think it's necessarily bad, but take care and see if you can communicate with it. I think a badass terrifying skull monster from the deep might be a handy friend to have around if you ever need help..
 
 
Deadwings
15:28 / 19.11.03
Aww, boo. I wanted to be the devil.

In all seriousness though, do you know of any rituals or fetishes that might help in baiting it out of me so I can get a good look and say hi? Since the last time when it noticed me, I've been unable to get a lock on it again. I can feel it moving around, but I can't see it. What do super-spiffy spirit guides that look like undead humanoid spiders covered in organic cellophane like to eat? I mean, how can I get the damned things attention?
 
 
Gypsy Lantern
15:46 / 19.11.03
Try and draw a picture of it, can be as crude as you like, or if you really can't draw, write out a description of it, try to describe its qualities in prose form. Whatever. Make a representation of this entity/spirit-ally/demon and place it on a temporary altar. Light a white candle to it, as an offering. Sit before the altar and try and make contact. Go through the process that you've just described to fully visualise it, and try and make contact. Don't give up if you don't get much material coming through at first.

Repeat this ritual until a dialogue is established, it should eventually start to get easier. Feel free to take creative licence with this basic ritual form, and if you get anything from communication with the entity that you feel can be incorporated into the ritual - such as a symbol or sound - then do so. Be open and receptive to communication, but be very careful to look at this material from an objective standpoint. Don't let your imagination run away with you, or else you might end up convincing yourself of all manner of implausible things based on very little evidence. If anything gets fraught or out of control, or if you feel you're out of your depth, remember that you can always post here and see if anyone has any ideas or suggestions.
 
 
h3r
16:30 / 19.11.03
The spirit guide explanation sounds plausible.
Here's another option: The skull thing might be an artificially implanted "guardian" to keep you from digging around the depths and possible finding out about stuff (which the programmer who placed the guardian there as a security measure obviously doesn't want you to).
I hear that currently the programming of many peopel is starting to crack open. Be careful of any security routines (which might feel like depression) that might be activated now that you are digging around....
But all other advice is still valid also in this secnario. Protection spells do the trick just fine. I find placing a violet aura around my body (for added protection a silver reflective layer on top) keeps me absolutely safe form the fiercest guardian.
If after repeatedly digging around the entity refuses to show up I would make the deduction that he was a one time guardian, and once you keep doing your work regardless of his scare-tactics he is rendered useless and will not reappear. But you can expect other things to try to stop you then.
Definitely keep us updated
 
 
penitentvandal
16:40 / 19.11.03
I think that...it's you. Sort of.

The scary monster in the deep is the part of you that thinks of yourself as inky evil blackness. It retreats from the light, which represents your ladyfriend. I contend that you need to cozy up to your 'dark side' and tell it it's alright to come out, and that the light is nothing to be afraid of. You need to let it know that it will be loved and accepted, and then it'll stop trying to scare you off by freaking out your girlfriend. That's what I think.

God, doesn't it all sound so horrible and slushy? But there it is. Off to sacrifice a few dozen puppies then watch Buffy.

vv
 
 
Gypsy Lantern
19:54 / 19.11.03
The scary monster in the deep is the part of you that thinks of yourself as inky evil blackness. It retreats from the light, which represents your ladyfriend. I contend that you need to cozy up to your 'dark side' and tell it it's alright to come out, and that the light is nothing to be afraid of.

I know it sounds like a fucking episode of 'Charmed', but I think Mr Velvet Vandal is onto something with this line of investigation. That's not to say that you can't interact with the entity as if it were a spirit guide of some sort though, as the lines do become blurred in this sort of internally motivated operation. You've already started personifying this aspect of yourself as an objective spirit, so just try and open up a dialogue with it and see what comes up. Play it by ear and take it one step at a time.
 
 
Deadwings
21:32 / 19.11.03
Thank you. Another friend of mine has suggested that it might be some sort of creative outlet, like a sensation battery. The only part that slightly confuses me about first contact was that she saw it before I knew it was there. I got the details from her after the fact to confirm, but she freaked out about a day prior to my glimpsing it. Someone else seems to think that It might be a gelled representation of my darker ego (This person theorizes that I have several) that's developing autonomy, as well, which is a very disconcerting thought. She keeps asking me if I'm evil. Ah well.
 
 
LVX23
21:59 / 19.11.03
Really, it's whatever you chose it to be. If you believe it's your, dark, evil, subSelf, then it will be. If it's a freaky bad-ass alien guardian, then so be it. Frankly, it sounds like you could use some light in your life so if I were you, I'd chose a positive metaphor for this beasty, and one that strengthens your relationship with those you care about and who care about you.

IMHO, a big part of magick is metaprogramming and constructing yourself to become your own ideal.
 
 
Quantum
09:26 / 21.11.03
She keeps asking me if I'm evil Deadwings
Really? Did you tell her you were the devil?
Seriously though, it sounds like she needs to calm down a little. Ask her if she's 'good' and see what she says, hopefully she'll work out that everyone's a bit of both or that the concepts are subjective. Tell her scariness isn't an indicator of evil. Gypsy, am I right?

I agree with aurum23 and vandal, with the caveat that you should see it as a freaky bad-ass alien guardian, because it's cooler than your evil twin.
 
  
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