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Barbelith #497

Matthew Fluxington

11:54 / 18.11.03

I'm getting really freaked out now, guys.

Something really weird happened last night when I was picking Eddie Willis up from his clarinet recital. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I'm pretty sure we were being tailed by some weird guy wearing a fur coat and rawhide leather pants. Eddie's school is on 81st street, and we had to get to the subway at 86th street, and this guy was definitely following us around. I was scared, so I kept moving across the street, and at one point, we ducked into a Rite Aid in hopes of losing this guy. When we got out, there was no sign of him, but a block later, Eddie almost got hit by some kind of blow dart! At this point, Eddie is crying and screaming, just totally flipping out. I take him into my arms and run a block, but then I get winded because Eddie's pretty big for a 12 year old and it's too much for me to handle. Luckily, I was able to hail a cab and we got home safe, but now I'm terrified to leave the house.

This is too much. I don't know if I can take this!

12:02 / 18.11.03

We have another problem.

When you told me to call Jermaine Stewart, Jr. for you, I thought you were talking about Jermaine Jackson. I asked if he was going to sing "ABC, 123" and he got really mad. I'm really sorry.

The good news is, I booked the bandshell in Prospect Park! It was touch and go for a minute, but I called in a few favors. LET'S DO THIS.

Do you want to borrow my taser, Flux? Theo knows how to use it.

Tryphena Absent

12:07 / 18.11.03

Qalyn you are such a fuck up.

Don't you think it's time to let this go? Flux you complete moron, you're delusional enough to allow your child to handle a taser and yet you expect anyone here to take it when you start going on about a guy following you?

This is over, I can't be screwed to listen to this trash anymore.

Matthew Fluxington

12:08 / 18.11.03

I guess I'll borrow the taser. That might make me feel a little bit more safe.

Do you think we should find an opening act for this gig? Jermaine says he has enough material to do a two hour set, and I think Theo was telling me that we need to fill four hours according to the contract.

Tryphena Absent

12:12 / 18.11.03

You abusive bastard, you're making her read the CONTRACTS?

12:12 / 18.11.03

That's "F Qalyn" to you, Tryphena Sparks, whoever you are. I showed Theo how to use the taser and the spring-loaed bootknife for self-defense purposes, and thank God I did, because it's going to come in handy now that Todd has brought the mob down on us! We really don't have time to be harrassed by you foreigners right now, y'know. We're going to outwit the mob and put on a concert to save Barbelith, with your help or without it!

All right, I'm out. I have to scrounge up some security.

Tryphena Absent

12:17 / 18.11.03

You abusive bastard, you're making her read the CONTRACTS?

Matthew Fluxington

12:17 / 18.11.03

Tryphena, what's up? You were acting so nice about everything yesterday. Theo is just trying to help out, we're all pulling together in our time of trouble. We're Americans, and we believe in a little something called TEAMWORK.

Um, does anyone here play music? If you can get to Brooklyn by tomorrow afternoon, I can get you a gig opening up for Jermaine Stewart Jr. You'd have to play for free, but it's for a good cause - we're raising money to protect Barbelith from the mob.

The Apple-Picker

12:24 / 18.11.03

Oops, I just posted this elsewhere, but it seems more relevant here, as this is where the Jermain action is.

Flux, I sent the Rice Krispy Treats out by Express mail just five (well, 20, now) minutes ago. I also sent two jars of maraschino cherries, flour tortillas, and no-bake peanut butter-cocoa cookies---all sent Express mail--for Jermain's dressing room.

Matthew Fluxington

12:33 / 18.11.03

Thank you, Apple-Picker! See, Tryphena? This is teamwork!

I'm not sure what we'll do with the tortillas, though. Maybe I'll get some onions, peppers, and meat so we can make fajitas or something.

12:42 / 18.11.03

Qalyn, you buffoon - there is no Mob and i didn't bring them down on anyone. And furthermore, there never was a Purple Horse, Jermaine Stewart wasn't any good when he was alive, much less dead, and I'll believe in theapplepicker's rice krispie treats when I'm licking marshmallow off of my sticky, sticky fingers.

Flux, just GIVE. IT. UP.

But if you want to make fajitas, e-mail me. I've got a great recipe for mahi-mahi fajitas. Caliente!

Matthew Fluxington

12:51 / 18.11.03

Christ, Todd! You know there is a mob! You're the one who pissed them off by making a scene at the Purple Horse over the weekend. I can't believe you're being such a dick about this.

Anyway, maybe you should come over to my place for lunch today. We can make fajitas, talk things over, and maybe work things out.

Tryphena Absent

12:58 / 18.11.03

I wish I was Jermaine so I could have some of those cookies. Theo's probably going to get to them first anyway.

Hey, me and Harmony are staring an electroclash band. We don't have any music yet but we'll come and support Jermaine Stewart jr. if you pay us in cookies. I'm sure we can rustle a couple of songs up, a Cilla Black cover or two.

Matthew Fluxington

12:59 / 18.11.03

You're hired!

Tryphena Absent

13:09 / 18.11.03

Yeah! Woo! Our first gig, I better find my lucky knickers and get flying!

Matthew Fluxington

14:13 / 18.11.03

Oh my. Eddie's sick! He has a terrible fever.

I'm worried. What if he has been poisoned?

What should I do, guys? Qalyn, maybe you should get over here.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:26 / 18.11.03

15:57 / 18.11.03

Hey, I bet you could swing that truckdrivin' son-of-a-gun Dave Dudley for the concert.

He does loads of benefit shows, and he'd attract one hell of an audience.

16:23 / 18.11.03

Flux, I didn't tell you because he begged me not to, but on Saturday night I caught Eddie Willis drinking out of the toilet again. I gave him some antibiotics, so he should be fine. Just make sure he keeps eating. He'll get the poops later and then he'll be right as rain.

So, I've got some guys from my encounter group down at the VA to stand security at the gig. They're all solid guys, except for this one sorta flakey new guy named Dooley, who keeps referring to himself as a Gulf War veteran even though he was stationed in fuckin' Honolulu, but he'll be okay as long as he doesn't go off his meds. Merline agreed to try to get a bunch of kids from her school to go! (PS--Todd, I think Merline has a bit of a crush on you, you sly dog!)

Uh, Jermaine Stewart, Jr is being kind of demanding. He wants Diet Peach Snapple in his "trailer" (the van) and he wants to do a pyrotechnics thing that I'm not sure we can clear with the Mayor's Office. Who knew he'd be such a primadonna? Can someone talk to him, before I lose my fucking temper?

Matthew Fluxington

16:47 / 18.11.03

Oh man. Why didn't you tell me about Eddie, Q? You shouldn't just give him pills like that. I can just hope and pray that there won't be any kind of bad reaction to your antibiotics. You really need to start clearing this stuff with me.

We definitely can't do the pyrotechnics. I'll have to give Jermaine a call in a little bit. Sit tight, man. Jermaine Junior is only 18, he thinks the world is owed to him. He's still doing us a huge favor, so we have to do our best to not alienate him. We need him if there is any hope to save Barbelith!

Murray Hamhandler

20:50 / 18.11.03

Hey, everbody. Just cheking in. I'm writing froma truckstop in Harrisburg, PA at the moment, so I'm a good way to NYC alredy.

Hitching has been treating me well so far. I've met a lot of regular joes on the road which I'm gonna miss once I get to NYC. Your lucky your in truoble, Flux becaus I usualy wouldn't be caugt dead going to that junkie filled den of sin.

I can do some openning music for Jermaine if I get there in time. I play the spoons pretty good and I yodel so you can pick wich one you'd rather me do.

Um, also, I forgot to ask. Is there anybody who has a couch I can sleep on or something when I get to NYC? I mean I can find a park bench or somethin if its too much trouble but you guys should really be thankful that I'm comin to help take care of this mob problem. I can knock heads like nobodys busness.

Welp, my rides getting ready to l,eave now so i gotta go. Hopefuly Ill be in NYC by tomorrow. So i'll see you guys soon.

Oh and p.s. I forgot my Welbutrin, so if someone has some spare Welbutrin I can borrow when I get there, id apreciate it. Things are startin to get a little too clear for me.

And p.s. number two. I don't have food or money. Hopefully you guys can help a brother out.

The Apple-Picker

21:17 / 18.11.03

Maybe Flux can set aside some of those no-bake cookies for you, Deric.

21:52 / 18.11.03

As luck would have it, my grandmother passed away last weekend so I'm currently packing my bags and will be off to NYC for the funeral first thing Thursday morning. It sucks aboput her dying and all but an excuse to take some time off and go back home is an excuse to take some time off work and go back home. Plus, her place is empty and paid up till the end of the month so I've got free room and board. Maybe we can have an after the party party or something, I don't think shes worried about the depost anymore. Also, I know some guys that might be able to help out on the security tip.

Q, we have to get together so I can tell you all about what happened with Katie over Halloween weekend.

Murray Hamhandler

22:19 / 18.11.03

No bake Welbutrin cookies? Sounds great.

Matthew Fluxington

22:25 / 18.11.03

Oh my God!

I just got a letter in the mail.

It read:

Dear Mr. Flux,

We're going to wreck your benefit concert tomorrow.

Sincerely,

The Management of the Purple Horse

This is getting too crazy for me!

Q, we better beef up the security!

The Apple-Picker

22:44 / 18.11.03

You go by Flux in your real life?

Man.

Matthew Fluxington

22:50 / 18.11.03

Yes. It is a name which gives me power - without the name, I am nothing. Or am I?

Regrettable Juvenilia

08:39 / 19.11.03

Apologies for my apparent lack of compassion earlier in this thread, but I find that these charity concerts are just a corrupt, cynical exercise in button-pushing. It is hard to believe that there is a worthy cause here, rather I suspect that this concert has been engineered to provide free advertising for the artists involved, and to line the pockets of the NYC Barbe-clique.

Anyway, I've emailed you the proposed playlist for my DJ set when I warm up for Jermaine. I'm particularly proud of Kwest Da Mad Lad - '101 Things To Do While I'm With Your Girl' > Jay-Z - '99 Problems'
> Rage - 'Hatred Is So UnFemale'.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

09:22 / 19.11.03

Hey! the other day I was walking along and I saw saddam hussein! so I ninja punched him so hard he died!!! then osama bin laden showed up!!! so I did that triple kick like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix! then I kicked him 100 times!! because I am a ninja!!!!!!!! then this hot girl came up to me and was all omg radiator you are so kewl!!! and I was all don't mess up the duds baby I drank a beer LOL. Then Optimus Prime showed up and transformed into a truck and I spinkicked Kim Ill Jong in the head!!!! it was awesome!!!!

Tryphena Absent

09:39 / 19.11.03

It's alright Q, you can come stay in the hotel they've arranged for me. It's got a pool on the roof and Internet access in every room. They gave me acomplimentary laptop on arrival. Theo broke in to the computer system and she's charging it to some American institution. I don't know which one. That kid is bright.

21:25 / 19.11.03

Radiator, you are the earth2 version of joycore.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

06:58 / 20.11.03

Finally, someone gets it!

HATE CREW
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