Howard Bloom... My new favorite writer! I read an interview of his somewhere and he seemed pretty interesting, so I got his two books, "The Lucifer Principle" and "Global Brain" (the latter of which I have not read yet).
"The Lucifer Principle" was very good. There's a lot in there about stuff like "Superorganisms" and such but what interested me the most was Bloom's comments on subjects like "intropunitive behavior". Namely, how humans (and animals) need to be part of a social group and how isolation and estrangement from said group can often drive said individual mad. The idea that there are biologically built-in self-destruct mechanisms inside us, and how failure can activate these systems. One of Bloom's case studies is a man who had a phobia of cancer (kind of like me) whose fear of the disease literally incapacitated him. It should be said that this man had recently suffered a major career road block.
For example, look at my grandfather. For awhile the only thing that kept him alive was the fact that he could drive. It was the only thing he could do that his wife could not. It gave him a purpose. But, when his eyes and body failed him his car keys were taken away (not to mention his license). A few months later he was in a nursing home, and a few months after that he literally shriveled away and died. Perhaps he died from a lack of purpose to anyone?
I can compare this with my own problems. I notice that, in the past, I would usually be plagued with physical pains and other ailments during the summer, when I was not in college. When I was in college I usually felt fine. But in the summer, when I spent long hours at home (I don't get out much) the torments returned (to say nothing of the suicidal depression). Now that I've graduated college and am stuck in a limbo state (trying to find a full-time job) the pains have been worse then ever. Because I contribute little to society (bagging orders for customers doesn't seem like much) and because I have no significant social ties (save on-line ones) I've gone a little bit nuts these last few months. Actually, in retrospect, my depression really started last Spring, when I, very slowly, began to lose interest in the Rainbow Alliance I was a part of (mainly because a lot of my old friends had left by that point and I just wasn't needed any more). Basically, my fears of the future and what not have allowed my body to be controlled by pain (most of which I hope is psychosomatic).
The only part of the book that disconcerted me was the chapter on doctors that said that there are six hundred million office visits to doctors each year, and in half these cases the doctors conclude that there is nothing really wrong with the patient. And, well, my doctors almost always say that to me.
I'm still not sure if what I have is depression or anxiety. It appears to be related to my body, however. If my body feels fine, my mood is upbeat and I can get things done. When I'm in pain, I can barely sleep, can barely sit still, and generally just feel like curling up into a ball and shutting down. During these periods I'm unable to think rationally and it is often during these times I feel like killing myself. Paradoxically, I doubt I really could kill myself though. For example, I don't like guns so blowing my brains out is out. I don't like the sight of my own blood so I doubt I could slice my wrists. The stove at my house isn't a gas stove. It would be hard to overdose on pills as I have trouble swallowing them, so that way would take forever. Jumping off a building wouldn't be easy as I have a fear of heights. As for hanging myself, I'm not good with knots. Besides, the guilt of knowing how much it would devestate my family pretty much ruins the whole idea. It distresses me that I don't really have an escape route if I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can't really ever see myself being healthy or happy again and that thought alone cripples me psychologically.
Anyway, my general doctor tells me that all my pains are a symptom of my brain and anxiety and he recommended me for Zoloft (which was months ago and I still haven't tried it due to worries about the side effects and what it would do to me). My parents think I should take the Zoloft. Other friends have suggested that I see a psychiatrist, take up yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises, and all other sorts of alternative medication/therapy. Unfortunetly it appears that I've become paralyzed by choice in that I'm not sure who really has the best solution. My stomach doctor tells me that my stomach is slightly distended and that a lot of pains could be healed by taking Citrocel (he also put me on a new acid reflux medication). I haven't tried any of these yet as, again, I hate taking new medication because my body seems to react negatively to it and I'm very paranoid in regards to the major pharmaceutical companies.
As I said, I don't get out much, mostly because there's not really much to do outside of home. If I want to go catch a movie, go buy books or CDs or what not I have to drive half-an-hour to another city, which is a pain. The largest city nearby is about 30 minutes away but because I've never driven on a highway before (to say nothing of my complete lack of direction) I've never been able to get there. Maybe I should just take the bus or something.
Getting into magic was quite fun for me and had a very transformative effect on my life, until, that is, I fell pray to the things most magicians advise you to avoid, that is, paranoia, obsession, and things of that nature (come to think of it, the paranoia may have came about due to hanging out with too many fringe conspiracy theory types). It was actually Morrison's recent comic series "The Filth" (which is basically about the Kaballah and the reverse of the tree of life, the qliphoth) that spurned me into investigating my so-called "Dark side", or the abyss of my psyche. Namely, chronicling my deepest, darkest, mostly subconscious fantasies and thoughts. Contact with these sick emotions (many of them buried) was very negative to my health and I think I'm still suffering the after-effects (these magical experiments also led me to have some bizarre dreams, which I'll discuss some other time). However, in Reichian terms the so-called "character armor" is slowly being shed as these negative blockages are being purged from my system. The one good thing about the occult is it can be used for introspective exploration (though I concede that perhaps it might be better to work with a trained professional when dealing with such matters).
And I should add, my phobia of cancer is, to be more general, a phobia of diseases period. In fact in the last 6 months or so not only have I suffered from naseau, diarhea, constipation, stiffening finger joints, leg spasms, headaches, cramps, facial twitches, tense neck muscles, distended stomach, the reappearance of acid reflux, heart palpitations, stomach pains, gas pains, sleeping problems, chronic pain, loss of appetite, dizziness, blurred vision (I may need glasses), but I also have, at various points, believed I was dying from cancer (be it cancer of the stomach, brain, liver, Pancreas, intestines, or what not), hemorraging, pulminary ebolisms (sic), meningitis, heart attacks, pre-death rigor mortis (not even sure if that's even a disease or a condition) and a variety of other rare illnesses (it probably doesn't help that sometimes I spend hours prowling medical websites trying to identify the source of my problems, which usually results in me convincing myself that I literally have every disease known to man). Or, if I wasn't afraid I was dying, I was worried that I might be losing my mind. The main thing that's been bothering me these days is my stomach, which constantly feels heavy and sore and usually forces me to sit up very straight for hours on end, which wears me out very quickly. Obviously I need to find some ways to relieve all this tension inside my body. However, I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.
I've read many books on psychotherapy, psychology, and psychiatry in general so I have some ideas regarding the underlying cause of my problems (for example, someone like, say, Stanislov Grof would say that I'm caught up in a stage known as Basic Perinatal Matrix 2 stage, where one can't see past the pain and the future). I just can't figure out how to deal with them at the moment. Even when I'm around people at work I feel isolated. None of my co-workers have anything in common with me or even share my interests, and the customers are, for the most part, people I'd rather not associate with, which I can presume sounds horribly elitist. But you haven't seen these customers. If you've ever worked retail, you know what I'm talking about.
Some may say that I'm too analytical or perhaps I just think way too much. Either that, or my life became so dull I deliberetly set about doing bizarre things in hope that would end my ennui.
I told all this to an on-line friend and he told me to get help FAST. He also told me to quit taking recreational drugs. Ironically, I've never even TRIED recreational drugs.
In magical terms, I guess you could say that I'm going through what RAW would call "Chapel Perilous". Or, Phil Hine always went on about the "Dark Night of the Soul". However, this is one dark night that seems to be lingering for a very long time!
One on-line friend told me that the only person who can help me is myself. In the meantime... If anyone can recommend any breathing exercises or what not to help me relieve stress, anxiety, or depression in the meantime, I'd be most grateful. |
But just as you feel overcome with fear, anxiety and paranoia, something clicks and you 'get it', you transcend the whole concept of Us and Them. You walk right out of Chapel Perilous and 'see the light', experience the beauty of the meaningful purposelessness we call life and you just love it all, for a moment.