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Great new forum for trolling

No star here laces

04:22 / 07.11.03

All you obnoxious types that like to go on messageboards and wind people up (I'm looking at YOU, elephant man...) you could do a lot worse than the wedding channel. Some of the threads are quite frightening, especially if you head into "newlyweds" and then "sex and intimacy". I especially recommend the shaving thread. contains gems such as "my man has to shave, otherwise I can't find it"....

Tryphena Absent

08:19 / 07.11.03

I refuse to wind anyone up on a site that provides me with an opportunity to virtually try on wedding dresses.

17:14 / 07.11.03

jesus christ. i have chills. i'm so freaked out. i hardly read anything. all these women, w/their little signatures w/pics from their wedding. and talking about how now they want babies. this is so removed from anything that i'm about, eeeeeeeee!! i wonder if their husbands know. no wonder marriage is downhill for most people, if this is how they start, where else can it go?
i was tempted to create a faux newlywed journal as a parody but i don't think that it would even be recognized as such, cos everything there is so....eeeee! *freaks out*

19:41 / 07.11.03

Ah, the modern woman's life - men, marriage, mortgages and babies. How wonderful!

I'm surprised I survived working in offices for so long! I'm surprised that I'm not on some most wanted list for axe murders ... oh, hang on a minute ...

19:52 / 07.11.03

Does DH stand for Dear Husband, or am I making this up in my head? It's a bit of a mid-trip, just wading through it all.
Jefe, these are *not* normal people! They're ... unhinged, some of them.

Having said that, if this is the first opportunity some people have had to talk about their sex lives (and it really looks like it is - lots of them being pre-nuptial virgins) then what the hell, let them do it - it's a very very safe environment, nothing's going to scare them too much (until Ganesh weighs in, anyway) and hell, let them chat.

21:15 / 08.11.03

Well, I've kicked off with a thread in the Parties & Showers section, in 'Planning'. See if you can tell which one's mine...

21:47 / 08.11.03

...gee, I wonder... could it be the 'Golden Shower' thread?

...Ganesh, you're going to make a lot of people cry.

21:52 / 08.11.03

Baz, I'm sure I don't know what you mean...

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

23:05 / 08.11.03

Surely if they keep their eyes shut durng the proceedings it shouldn't irritate too much...

ahem. I'll get me coat.

00:59 / 09.11.03

They removed your thread.

And what is the perfect golden shower gift? Umbrella or Mop?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

01:33 / 09.11.03

Goggles?

11:30 / 09.11.03

I was thinking latex duvet set.

Interestingly, the 'golden shower' thread proved beyond the pale - but they've seen fit to ignore my hair removal advice and suggestion that one cut costs by doing away with wedding cake and instead offering one's chocolate starfish. Cutest of all, someone's actually responded to my plea for advice on pansies...

From a brief perusal of this board, I think it's actually rather sweet - and I agree with Ariadne that the sex/intimacy forums appear to represent a useful and valid 'safe space' for jittery spouses-to-be (who have, presumably, led a somewhat sheltered life thus far). I'm wondering about the board's moderation policy, though, particularly given the absence of discussion of same-sex weddings. It might be worth starting a non-comedy thread on this subject, to see how people respond.

16:41 / 10.11.03

I refuse to wind anyone up on a site that provides me with an opportunity to virtually try on wedding dresses.

Oh yes indeed. They're not that good, though. I think I may go for:

See, there are vertical straps to soften the horizontal line created by my wide shoulders, and I'm accentuating my well-defined waist.

I've moved on to the Home Shopping Network now. To be honest I was expecting something a bit more... fabulous from Patti LaBelle's clothing line. I had to change my haircut to get in, too, and the shortest one I could find makes me look rather unrealistically pixieish.

21:14 / 12.11.03

I decided I preferred this asymmetric bridesmaid's dress, which flatters my broad shoulders and shapely calves. I've kept the veil though, as it lends me an attractively Eno-esque halo.

Otherwise, I look disturbingly similar to Fridgemagnet. Which is fairly true-to-life, really...

21:32 / 12.11.03

I'm vacillating between finding you all very amusing, wanting to tell you off and proposing to the most eligible amongst you.

21:37 / 12.11.03

I'd suggest you give it a try, Lurid, but they don't have a 'facial hair' option.

23:04 / 12.11.03

OK. I tried. I really, really tried. I have spent...a fair while...going through all the options. And I can't. Dark cenobite body mutilation must be out this year.

01:03 / 13.11.03

Sadly, a friend of mine is on that website. A "senior member" in fact. She got married just a little over a year ago, and every single time I've spoken to her since the wedding (which is at least weekly) she's gone over at least some aspect of the wedding (even though I was bridesmaid, so I was THERE to see everything). She LIVES for her wedding.
She has some newlywed journal on there under the name of "r_mageddon." Feel free to go harass her. It'll be funny, she's very tempermental.

Ex

14:00 / 13.11.03

I was - confused. I know that not everything can be sorted out with the iron fist of directness and clarity, especially not in the twitchy sensitive area of emotions, but. The Someday Brides.

One 'Someday Bride', a phrase I wish to high heaven I'd never learned, was basing her hope on the fact that her boyf "has also been very receptive lately to ring talk and specifications".

Apart from the hilarity of "receptive to ring talk": she's trying to find out if they're planning on spending their lives together by shuffling across the couch and murmuring "I've got quite chubby knuckles and I have ethical concerns about diamond trading in Angola and Sierra Leone." And seeing if he nods or bolts.

Poor sweets - and the woman whose boyf mimes being hung whenever matrimony is mentioned. She's not going to have a smooth ride.
I see this as a window on the fears of others. A window almost entirely opaque with mist from exhaled sighs, but informative...

Dark cenobite body mutilation must be out this year.

Dark cenobite body mutilation is surely a classic - above and beyond mere fashion. I propose DCBM be installed next to LBD in everyone's lexicon.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

14:08 / 13.11.03

I don't know what disturbs me more: The fact that Lurid spent a reasonable chunk of yesterday evening pretending to try on wedding dresses, or that his pretend bride was planning to marry Jack Sparrow.

18:09 / 13.11.03

Lurid, we'll always have photoshop.

19:36 / 13.11.03

Terrifying.
I got sucked into one Someday Bride's tale, only to discover, halfway through, that she's - gasp! - hit the decrepit old age of 22. Daily bombarding her man with flower arrangments and cupcake trees, and moaning about being old. Good Lord. If she's an old maid, I'd better go write my will before the rigormortis sets in.