This appeared just at the right time for me to vent my furious anguish at recent events (ok it's along completely different lines to the above, but what the hey)
Please note all participants in the following tale are very very drunk - which does not in any way excuse any behaviour:
Picture the scene, My Flat early hours of Sunday morning possibly around 3 or 4. Following a fateful 'lets go back to mine to continue the party!' there now remain three drunken revellers, myself, my good friend let's call him Furmy, and a mutual friend, for arguments sake lets call her Jen.
Now I was feeling a bit tired by this point, and Furmy & Jen seemed to be getting a bit amorous on my sofa, (although I had been quite keen on her), so being the gentleman I am, I left them to it and went to bed. After lying there for a matter of seconds I hear a female voice "whispering" let's go jump on sTe, I braced myself for impact and promptly fell asleep. Suddenly I was awoken by a weight on my back followed quickly an additional particularly heavy weight (he is about 6ft 6 and not skinny with it). I awoke and set about removing these mysterious assailants from my back, after firstly working out how to breath without using my lungs.
Suddenly the larger downforce is removed and the remaining burden is flung to the ground rather too violently as far as I could make out, the momentum took me straight after her (for, yes it was the aforementioned Jen, up to mischief again), and landed in a heap on the floor. My first thought, with no regard to myself, was concern for the potentially horrific injury I had just inflicted. Fortunately she brook out into hysterical laughter and I climbed gingerly to my feet to see the beast that is called Furmy prostrate on my bed where only seconds earlier I had been blissfully dreaming of peace & love (or something like that).
I attempted to remove this intruder from my bed, and a mass 3 way brawl ensued. Now I am sure that I was well on top as I was defending my own land so obviously fought all the harder despite overwhelming odds and the fact that there didn't seem to be any particular allies, just a frenzied drive to de-bed anyone who looked to have made it. Just as I was attempting a new approach using my knees as some kind of lever (don't ask) when my bedroom door opened and one of my work colleagues peers round the door! She skips off to the living room explaining to person(s) unknown that I am having some sort of 3 way orgy with my mate and some girl she didn't know.
OK, now I Panic. What is she doing in my flat? Who is she talking to? Can I face work on Monday with rumours and slurs about my weekend orgies abound? A lot of my colleagues are very respectable, well old, people. The shock could kill them. So, I forfeited an almost certain victory, and dashed in to see who was there.
It turns out that my flatmate has come home and has been out with some people from my work that she had been introduced to recently, and had brought them all back to get a taxi. I was then subject to a barrage of questions, to which I could only reply "Furmy!? is in my bed?!!!" As if I could deny his and Jen's presence and so they would no longer be there. Eventually I succumbed to alcohol and the pressure and sneaked off to sleep in my flatmate's bed instead.
I awoke particularly hanging indeed and by about 1pm managed to get up and see what was what in my bedroom. Well nature had apparently taken it's cause and I finally managed to remove the miscreants from my bedroom so I could start some proper sleeping. But imagine my shock when I discovered that my room, and bed in particular was splattered with blood. Obviously I feared the worse, but was somewhat relieved to discover that it was my blood, and I had just sustained a few minor injuries during the previous night's action.
So, in summary, I was not only kicked out of my own bed with extreme violence by my ex-friends who proceeded to get it on, but am now receiving unwanted attention at work from all manner of unsavoury characters who believe I am in to that kind of thing (which would be my business either way).
I don't want any sympathy, just let this be a warning to anyone thinking of bringing everyone back to their's!
Thanks for listening |
