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The Qalyn/Bio K9 Conversation

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00:51 / 21.10.03

Bio, dude, where you at, brother? HOLLA!

Man. I just had my best friend from high school (let's call him "Albert" "Feinberg", 1907 N. Cahuenga Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90207) stay with me for a week. He's been living in LA for the last 10 years.

You know that sexual fantasy I have where Brad Pitt comes over and I make him a veggie stir fry and Buffalo wings, with a nice Rupicolo red that I can only get at this one Italian restaurant on Mullberry Street, and Brad is sort of quiet and shy through the whole meal? And then he tells me that his neck is stiff so I stand behind him and rub his neck, until he pulls me into his lap and kisses me? And then he leads me into the bedroom and ties me to the bed and lights a cigarette and talks about his Craft, and How to Make It in the Movie Business, and all the people he knows who do everything wrong, for two hours until I'm begging him to untie me and get the fuck out?

I told you about that, right?

Well, this was just like that but for days and days and without the making-out-with-Brad-Pitt part. I mean, "Albert" is my best friend and I love him like a brother, but is this what life is like Over There? I swear, the dude did not get up before 2pm the entire time he was here. At least he's stopped using the phrases "wacky tobaccy" and "let's poke some smot!" And he has the most interesting way of talking dirt about people. I asked him about a friend of his that I met when I visited there a few years ago, who I see every once in a while in the movies, and "Albert" talked about what a good actor that guy is and how everything is really coming up roses for him... though "Albert" hadn't seen him in a while and he was drinking a lot at the time...

So, yeah, thank god that's over. See you in two years, "Albert"!

What've you been up to, Bio?

00:59 / 21.10.03

I'll just be sitting in the corner while the two of you have this conversation, then I can go off and tell everyone else what you were talking about.

Smart, me. I might even tell them that you were slagging them all off, even if you weren't. You'll be begging to be allowed to join in all the other conversations on the board, but nobody will want you. Either of you.

*Then* we'll see who can piss off. Yeah.

01:18 / 21.10.03

That won't work, Randy, you wanna know why? Because Bio and I are lovable and popular and you are a big dweeb that everyone hates. Now get lost.

01:24 / 21.10.03

Beat it, fuck face or the E is for Emergency Room.

Not much, Q. I got off work early today thanks to some mysterious problems with some of our brand new equipment so I got to pick my daughter up from preschool. It was the first time I've been to her school so that was pretty cool. Some of the parents are a-holes though.
I was standing in the parkinglot talking to this pretty hot chick that I assumed was some kids nanny or something and this short fat guy with a dodgy moustache totally barged in on our conversation. Prick. So I'm standing there just looking at this guy like "Go away, jackass."
To make a short story even shorter, the teacher and all the kids, my daughter included, file out into the courtyard as I'm pushing his face into the gravel next to my rear passenger side tire. The teacher starts yelling, the kids all start screaming and crying and...fuck.
In the end it turns out that this dickhead is the "nanny's" husband.

And I'm not allowed to pick my daughter up from school anymore. And her mom is giving me all kinds of shit.

I did decide to take your advice and go with a fauxhawk. It looks pretty sweet.

01:30 / 21.10.03

I bet the hot chick was impressed, though. Your daughter was probably cool with it, too. "Yeah, that's my dad. He beats people up all the time. Now give me your lunch money."

Were you a bully in school?

01:31 / 21.10.03

No way, dude. I used to get my ass kicked all the time.

01:33 / 21.10.03

Yeah, I gave my daughter a pop and she shut up pretty quick.

01:35 / 21.10.03

See, this is why you people on the West Coast should use the word "soda", not "pop", because now I don't know if you gave her a Coke or a smack.

01:37 / 21.10.03

Shit, man, a pop in the mouth. You think I'd give her a soda after all that fucking screaming? Crazy.

01:39 / 21.10.03

damn, e, I wouldn't let that candy ass bitch talk to you like that.

in fact, I think the two of us can take these jive talking titmonkeys.

01:40 / 21.10.03

Oh. See, this is why I don't have kids.

Well, that and the irradiated testicles.

Aaaanyway.

01:40 / 21.10.03

I forgot, is it ok to slap bitches and hos around here?

01:44 / 21.10.03

Jesus Christ. Is this the Qalyn/Bio K9 Conversation, or the Qalyn & Bio K9 & Any Chimpanzee with an Internet Connection and Voice Recognition Software Conversation?

01:47 / 21.10.03

well this sure ain't the yo momma thread, tweedledick!

now pipe down and start working on that cunnilingus, cause that's all that mouth of yours is good for anyway.

01:48 / 21.10.03

Anyway, I also took my mountain bike to the shop to get the front brake fixed. How much should that (and a minor tune-up) cost?

01:49 / 21.10.03

As I was saying:

I forgot, is it ok to slap bitches and hos around here?

It's definitely seriously uncool to slap hos around here. Not sure about the bitches. I think it's okay to bitchslap skeezers, though. I mean, who wouldn't bitchslap a skeezer? Am I right?

As far as I know, hitting your kids is a case-by-case thing. Like, I know it's okay to hit your kids if they're getting on my nerves and it will make them shut up and stop fidgeting.

01:51 / 21.10.03

Q, what are cunnilingus? I think I saw some for sale at the Pike Place Market but I can't remember.

01:53 / 21.10.03

So, BK is a skeezer? I thought they called her Bitchasskitty for a reason. Huh. Color me confused.

01:53 / 21.10.03

At my place, it costs between 20-35 bucks, depending on whether they actually fix it or not.

Bitchiekittie, I'm this close to putting you on 'ignore'. Not only that, but I'll PM everyone else to do it, too. People who don't even know you will be ignoring you.

01:58 / 21.10.03

bio, that's just from the time qalyn left bugs in the back seat of my car. I had that shit up in the garage while I was up in toronto and he was rolling around in it for a week with a greasy ass pizza, doing a "stakeout" on some starbucks chick. they don't call him restraining order q for nothing.

01:59 / 21.10.03

and I bitchslapped the fucker, right in his scrawny little ass

02:06 / 21.10.03

Hellooooo-oooo...can you guys get move on with this? More public private moments between BioK9 and Q pleeeeeze. We haven't got all day and your public awaits.

*taps fingers on desk, looks at watch*

02:10 / 21.10.03

Q, maybe we should take this over to Rage's 90210(or whatever the fuck its called) board so people quit interrupting.

02:11 / 21.10.03

Bitchiekittie, you little skeezer, I'm going to get you thrown off the board if you continue to spread these lies about me, and send me salacious PMs like this one:

Subject: put your sausage in my buns
From: bitchiekittie
Date: 21.10.03
Time: 04:39

Q, you are sooooo hot. I'd love to take a bite of your hotdog, know what I mean?

Seriously.

Bio, what kind of bike do you have? I have a black Mountain Trek. It's really sweet. Wait, here's a picture:

I got those Kobra grips at K-Mart.

02:13 / 21.10.03

Maybe if the moderators would get on the fucking stick and delete all of these posts that are clearly in violation of the topic title and abstract, we wouldn't be forced to take our conversation elsewhere.

I swear, this is such a Mickey Mouse board.

02:16 / 21.10.03

Subject: Re: put your sausage in my buns
From: Qalyn
Date: 21.10.03
Time: 04:42

kittie, I TOLD you we have to wait until that rash clears up.

I knew I should have stopped at one game of "tap that clown's ass"

>Q, you are sooooo hot. I'd love to take a bite of your hotdog, know what I mean?

02:23 / 21.10.03

I am just relishing all of this.

*likes to watch*

02:25 / 21.10.03

CANADIANS SHOULD BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD!

02:32 / 21.10.03

Bio K9 is canadian?

02:57 / 21.10.03

You realise of course Q, (may i call you Q?) that Canada is here simply to be seen and make the U.S look good. While the American government stalks the rest of the world in the way of a warrior, utilizing the moods of ruthlessness and cunning, Canada has been the sweetness and patience in mood.

prose

03:08 / 21.10.03

I was going to suggest that our Canadian stripper friend be allowed to stay because she's, well, our Canadian stripper friend but that poem is _____ than a ____ __ ___ ___. At least I think it is, it was way too long for me to bother with.

I thought Canadians spoke French?

03:14 / 21.10.03

Its a red Raleigh mountain bike. I got it from my baby's momma's momma. I'm gonna get a bell and some tassels for the handles when I get my next check. Maybe we can race.

03:16 / 21.10.03

Or we can sell both of them and get a tandem bicycle!

03:37 / 21.10.03

It isn't a bad bit of prose, BioK9 (my mistake for hotlinking "poem"). It has it's lulls. I mean, at one point in the middle somewhere, I got very distracted by a video game and..errr...my beer. But hey! I got back to it. I eventually read the whole thing!

Hey?! Are Q and BK in the back room PM-ing each other again?

Those crazy kids.

13:47 / 21.10.03

Bio, not even gaylords like tandem bicycles. Hippy couples like them. That's it. Oh, and little kids. That must be where that came from. Okay, you're excused. THIS TIME!

Dude, I have a serious problem. It's been about 2 months since I broke up with my girlfriend. I still get a stomach ache every time I think about her, but my male snake-brain has started scheming on girls. People I never would've considered before--like my one slutty friend who's slept with my entire social circle except me and one other guy; or this chick in my karate club; or this other girl who's in a band so she's never in town (perfect!). It's disturbing how much my hormones are calling the shots right now. I have this built-in ulterior motive, which I haven't had to fucking worry about in years. And you know I'm not going to score off any of these women. I don't even really want to. I just want to kiss a soft cheek again.

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