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Barbelith koans! Barbelith koans! Barbelith koans!

20:53 / 14.10.03

.....

gotham island fae

04:19 / 15.10.03

Every gay-bar troll's belly falls off, revealing old maid boobs.

Too bad both have had their day. Or not.

[Creation is good, though I know little about it's norms.]

08:06 / 15.10.03

08:10 / 15.10.03

Okay, here's an old one.

Two wandering Zen monks. They live off whatever fortune throws their way. Today fortune throws them a woodchuck, dead 3 days and ballooning in the sun. The first monk dives into it, since they hadn't eaten in two days. The second stands aside. "You are too fastidious," says the first monk between greedy mouthfuls. "You will never succeed as a monk." The second says nothing. After the first has had his fill, they continue on. Awhile later, the first monk turns green, bends over and vomits.
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. The second monk, chopsticks now out, asks "what's too fastidious about wanting a hot lunch?" And you are enlightened.

08:45 / 15.10.03

Does anyone mind if I move this to the Creation, then? Or would the conversation be better?

09:46 / 15.10.03

Either or, as long as people realize that these are barbelith koans, and therefore should have the barbelith sort of flavor. Oh ya, and originality never hurt anyone here. In fact, I heard we liked that around this place.

21:06 / 21.11.03

Two Zen monks sit inside the temple.
- Listen to the rain beating against the roof, says the first.
- Do it yourself, you lazy bum, says the other.

04:43 / 22.11.03

So there are 2 monks and their enlightened friend sitting in some old apartment building, meditating, when it suddenly begins to rain...inside their apartment!

The 2 monks try hard to prevent from being distracted by the rainfall but their enlightened master, in his ever enlightened wisdowm, calls the plumber to get the pipes fixed.

or to rephrase that...:

Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be an oncoming train.

***

Hung Mung is sitting in the zen garden when suddenly his master appears and asks him why a dog licks itself.

"Because it's flexible enough" responds Hung Mung.

***

Okay, so my koans suck.

KOAN FUCK YOURSELF!

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

03:11 / 27.12.03

paraphrased from Principia Discordia:

A young student is impatient and demands his master give him a faster means of enlightenment.

the master says "go to oak street and 4th avenue, there you will find a decrepit house with many people squatting it, in the north western corner you will find a pile of rubble from a slowly collapsing upstairs bathroom. sit in the lotus on the rubble for 3 days, and meditate while also observing those around you"

so the student heads to the house and sits on the rubble. many of the squatters pass him by and he sees them , but ignores them as they talk about him

on the 3rd day the upstairs bathroom finally gives way, and he is half buried in the rubble and refuse. just then 2 young men walk into the room

"whose that?" asks the first
"Some say he is a wise man, others say he is a shithead"

and thus he was enlightened!

20:48 / 27.12.03

A young monk ran up to the Buddah, most distressed.

"Barbelith is dieing! What shall we do?"

"Nothing," the Buddah replied, "There is no death, only change."

And then the Buddah gave the young monk a huggle, and the young monk was enlightened.

22:12 / 27.12.03

Once there was a monk who disturbed the harmony of the temple, saying unrightous things before the Buddah. With a sudden slap, the Buddah knocked away his face, revealing the troll in disguise of a monk. The other monks quickly removed him from the Buddah's presence, restoring harmony to the temple.

Some time later, another monk inquired of the Buddah, "what of that monk who was expelled? He wasn't so bad a fellow, was he?"

In response, the Buddah slapped aside the monk's mask, revealing the same troll again in disguise. Again, the other monks removed him from the temple.

"How did you know it was he?" the monks asked of the Buddah.

"Who but the unrightous would speak for the unrightous?" the Buddah replied. "The troll's efforts will always reveal the troll."

That day, the monks learned an important lesson about cleverness.

13:56 / 28.12.03

There was in the temple a Student who was greatly troubled; for there was nothing that this Student desired more than to grasp Absolute Truth, yet it seemed that the nature of Truth was unattainable.

Now there came to the temple one who presented himself as an Illuminated Master. The Student came to him and said, "O Master, I am greatly troubled, for the more I seek to understand the nature of Truth, the more frustrated I become in my purpose."

And the Master said, "You are frustrated in your quest because your carbohydrate-rich diet has created a hormonal imbalance that renders you suceptible to manipulation by the secret rulers of this world, the Satanic extradimensional lizards who feast on souls of slaughtered children, and whose existence is concealed by the medico-phramaceutical establishment, the British Royal Family, the Vatican, and the US military; that is to say: the Jews."

The Student listened carefully, thought for a moment, and then said, "Is it not more likely that I am frustrated in my search for Absolute Truth because I am continually viewing the world through the filter of my own attachments and obsessions?"

The Master said, "That kind of talk marks you as an agent of ZOG, and most likely a pedophile as well."

And with that the Student was enlightened, although not as the Master had intended.

14:04 / 28.12.03

There was once a young Seeker who resolved to climb the fabled Barbelith Mountain, for he had heard legends that atop the Mountain stood a Temple where great warriors were trained.

The Seeker's journey was full of hardships and perils, but at last he climbed the mountain and came to the Temple. Looking about him, he saw the Students all sitting about and chatting idly.

This so enraged the Seeker that, without even introducing himself, he ran into the ccourtyard and began to berate them, saying, "Is this not the Temple of Barbelith Mountain, where great warriors are trained? Why do you waste your time in idle talk? Look in all directions at the world beneath us: in all its corners it grows ever more corrupt! The people are crying out for enlightenment! And yet you sit atop your Mountain, prattling! Can you not see? This is no time for talk! This is a time for direct action!"

And lo, the Students rose up against the Seeker and stoned him.

But they felt bad about it afterwards, and so all were enlightened.

18:36 / 28.01.04

A monk approached a zen master sitting by a lake meditating and asked him for the answer to a problem he'd been having for years.

"Master i've come to ask for your help, i've been trying to find the essence of my mind for years now, but no matter what i do i can't seem to fully awaken.....what do i do?"

The zen master laughed and replied. "What do you mean?"

The monk answered. "The essence of my mind, my true self, how do i find it?"

"Stop searching." said the zen master.

07:06 / 17.12.05

A student sat up all night watching bad movies on cable. The next morning he asked of the Master, "When is William Shatner not William Shatner?"

Without hesitation, the Master replied "Ernest Borgnine won an Oscar."