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Changework - What's Wrong with You?

  
 
electric monk
14:28 / 10.10.03
I've just finished a 40-day long working to change myself in accordance with my will. The challenge that I faced, and don't laugh now (okay you can laugh if you want to), was a paralysing fear of haunted houses. Not the real ones, mind, but the ones that appear round Halloween and those at state fairs and such. Y'know, for kids...Anyway, this has been a struggle all my life and I finally decided to do something about it. But don't let me hog the mike.

What have you changed about yourself and how did you go about it? Did you use magical or mundane means, or did you just see a therapist?

I'd like to actually post a few journal entries from my working, but don't necessarily want to dominate conversation or have all attention on me. If it's too much for this thread in your opinion, say so. I'll start a new thread with my shit if the room votes that way.

So who's up?
 
 
Papess
14:45 / 10.10.03
I have tranformed my jealousy into desire. Only to the point where it involves sex, though. I can watch my beloved take their pleasure with another...no bloody problem! I encourage it! Hell make it two or three! No green-eyed monsters. However, I am still unable to resolve the jealousy I have if my lover is in love with another but carries on with me. I suppose that will take another 10 years to sort, but I really feel this is an accomplishment because I am so the jealous type. I just hated it though. I mean, it is just sex, right? WTF was my problem?
 
 
cusm
15:33 / 10.10.03
I've done this a couple of times, actually. The first was in getting over a fucked up relationship where I was lied to for about 2 years, where I decided to trust the person I was currently with unconditionally to get over massive irrational jealosy issues. Fortunately, that worked out well, and I ended up marrying her Technique: LSD and some focused internal will while sitting on the bathroom floor tranced out.

In another later I decided I wanted to be bi-sexual, but had major hangups from youth against homosexual contact. So, I purged them, removing my fear, and opening the way to more fun in my life. Technique: LSD + MDMA, and a lot of rationalization where I reconfigured how I operate from a more hedonistic perspective. That one was actually a part of a much larger working that resulted in some major changes in my personal spirituality over the course of a couple of years, but is notable as a specific change I willed and enacted in myself as a part of it that I am proud of.

One of the hardest I did was in deciding to live truthfully, and fessed up to all the shit I had been deceptful about to the people involved. That was a real problem with me for awhile (see traumatic past relationship mentioned above). Again, MDMA was key to this one, though I suspect largely in buffering the reactions of others when I gave my confessions so I could survive But otherwise, I found the feeling of being actually clean and clear so good I've continued to work hard to keeping it, changing radically how I deal with people.

The last was fear. I was deathly afraid of spirits, and possession in particular, due a lifelong sensitivity and some not too nice encounters as a child. So I started working with voodoo, to face that which I was most aversive of. Work with Ogun over a year or so and a powerful ceremony I attended had the unexpected result of disabling fear entirely in me. I don't really have that response anymore. The fight/flight switch is welded to "fight". I can still be sensibly cautious, and can still let myself be creeped out by movies and such, but for the important things, I don't respond the same way anymore. I can just turn it off like a switch now. I'm still processing that one.

Naturally, there were othes, but these were the most specific re-programming workings I accomplished. By and large, the technique was to enter a suggestable state (which LSD + MDMA will give you in spades), and making the decision. Rationalization and stubburnness help a lot, too. Each was also a bit like hitting the problem with the biggest hammer I could muster, causing more change than I had originally planned, but its worked out well for me regardless.
 
 
electric monk
15:57 / 10.10.03
I was sure from the outset that I didn't need to totally banish fear from my being (and WOW cusm! Nothing succeeds like excess, eh?). Instead, I just needed to deal with it better. Last year around this time, I went with a group of friends to "Fright Nights" at the local fairgrounds: 3 haunted houses, separate one-room houses with various creepies in them and wandering ghouls with chainsaws buzzing. Panic attack is, I think, too soft a term. I went uncontrollably bonkers, unable to call even my spirit helpers for assistance. Shallow breathing, ice in my veins, a wreck. I could barely vocalize, and a scream was out of the question. Worst of all, total lack of catharsis afterwards. I hadn't accomplished anything.

And so the Rite of Immersion. Every night for 40 days, I've meditated (using a tweaked up Auric Egg meditation, See Phil Hine's Site for Details) on a collage of haunted house photos that I made and tried to visualize myself walking thru those darkened halls, being accosted by those ghouls. Horrible.

The appearance of Mars in the sky was a fortuitous event and I began preparation for the rite on August 27th, the day Mars was closer to Earth than it had been in 60,000 years.
 
 
electric monk
16:45 / 10.10.03
Journal Entry 9/1/03 -> Waning Moon, 10pm

And so it begins...Nothing significant about this first day...excepting maybe a feeling of initial completion.

Began with the initial stages of AE: White light that dispels all doubts, fears, and worries. Wasn't quite strong enough to keep everything out, but not terrible. I feel that following the "hallway" pictures of the collage are a good starting point for visualizations...I feel free enough to embellish as deemed fit...

Scary viz. this evening...Things grabbing, touching, roaring and screaming. I was dragged down a time or two, but it didn't stress me unduly. Saw my grandfather, an animated rotting corpse, briefly. Most spooks are identifiably human in appearance. Laughed quitely to myself when I could see beneath the makeup.
 
 
Chiropteran
17:22 / 10.10.03
ElectricMonk: this is a very interesting working to me, since it actually deals with some of my lingering fears also (please refer to the Halloween thead and take a moment to appreciate the irony of this). I haven't been in a haunted house since I was about 10, and I was participating in that one, with the church youth group (it was way too lame to be scary). I also have trouble with a lot of the more extreme/gory horror movies. It's something I really feel I need to work on, and I'm starting to gradually.

I, for one, would be thrilled if you kept us posted with your journal entries.

How far along are you in the working? How is/has it going/gone?

~L
 
 
electric monk
20:00 / 10.10.03
The working proper is done as of around noon today, right before I opened this thread. I wanted to get everything magical done before I started discussing what's happened to me, but am still waiting for a chance to challenge myself by actually walking thru a haunted house. I will say, though, that I already feel somewhat different, and the dreams about haunted houses that I used to have during stressful times in my life have all but disappeared. No small statement there, as this past week has been devoid of good luck.

Lepidopteran - I'll be happy to share more in this space soon. Just glad to hear I'm not the only one who's struggled with this. Read over your Halloween thread. Best of luck with Jack S.
 
 
electric monk
16:11 / 12.10.03
More from the journal:

9/2/03 -> Waning Moon, 11:30pm

Not giving myself any surprises and not "seeing under the makeup" very well. Anonymous sounds in the house adding to the fear levels in me, as did the open door behind me. Sleepy but alert for the bogeyman that may rush thru the door.

One positive note from a coversation with a visualized spook: me - "Why are you scaring me like this?" her - "We're not. You're scaring yourself."

9/3/03 -> Half-Moon, 10:15pm

Strict Auric Egg as positive reinforcement of what's become a handy weapon. After a few false starts, managed to take the visualization all the way thru to the last layers of the Egg quite naturally. Have also added a grey tip to my Egg (Blue = Chesed = Mercy & Grey = Chokmah = Wisdom). It feels right for now, but is changeable with experience/understanding.

Already planning to burn the collage when this is done.

9/4/03 - Waning Moon, 12am

Not such a great performance tonight, but a new avenue of exploration turned up: Auric Egg followed by walking thru a personal haunted house (every scary or disturbing memory is on display there). Though digging is required, I do not feel that this phobia is due to one specific incident. An out-of-whack fight v. flight mechanism?

9/5/03 -> Waning Moon, 10:50pm

Failure tonight. Giving up too easily and lack of concentration. Sweating like a pig, slightly drunk. I am disappointed.
 
 
Orrin's Prick Up Your Ears
21:37 / 12.10.03
Fascinating stuff guys. This is my first post so be gentle!

Magick's been on my mind for a while now and I'm slowly working my way around to making a firm decision to begin working.

This thread struck me because one of the things I want to do is open myself up from being pretty strictly gay to moving towards a more open sexuality, embracing women as well as breaking new ground in sexual experiences generally. The intention is not only to shake apart any psychological blockages I may have in that department, but also to leverage the resulting energy and freedom into reawakening and expanding my creative life. And, hopefully, to propel me into further workings.

Does that make even a shred of sense?

So, I'm hearing what you're saying here ... but I've still got no idea what to do! Please remember that I'm a rank beginner. Well ... actually, I'm not even sure if I qualify as that.

Any advice you could offer on getting started would be greatly appreciated. I'm also a newbie to pharmaceuticals, so any explanation of the uses of MDMA or LSD in this context would also be very useful.

Cheers.

orin.

["The world is deep: deeper than day can comprehend"]
 
 
illmatic
11:35 / 13.10.03
Great topic. I enjoyed reading the journal entries as well, cheers. I’ve tried a bit of this stuff over the years, initially starting to change petty habits a la Pete Carroll’s Liber Null – I guess the intention behind this is to lead up to bigger changes, but I never really followed through hugely here, least as I remember. I think an important point for me here would be to hae the ability to see yourself in a new light. This is why meditations important to me, not so you can concentrate really hard and attain enlightenment, but paying attention to yourself is something you can carry forward into day to day life – you can use it to develop an awareness of your internal dialogue, the stories and description of yourself that are going on constantly, your reactions to certain situations etc. - and realise that these are just that – mentation, not “the truth”.

Probably the most significant one for me was getting over issues about women and relationships. I had several years of beating myself up over partners and lack of same, and a pretty desperate and sad outlook on the whole thing. When I started to get over that was when I started to re-examine my past, and see that some of the images I’d built up of myself as just negative fictions. I was thinking of Pete Caroll’s “retroactive enchantment” when I did this, but basically, I made myself a list of all the past and potential partners I had had (many of whom I turned down as I had my head up my ass at the time) as well as the many positive relationships I had with women as friends and so on. This let me see myself as attractive, I was reminded of my sense of humour and general affability and gave me a general boost to my ego. I saw the solution to the problem had been there all the time, in that there had been loads of great people around, it’s just I had been too up myself or fixated on someone totally inappropriate, so I didn’t notice. It’s the whole thing of moving from my egocentricity desire ie “I am useless, I must be validated by having her” to a much broader perspective “I’m a nice guy actually and maybe that doesn’t matter”. Letting go of that grasping and learning to laugh at myself really. And the weight of negative feeling I’d built up around myself collapsed.

Going out on a limb here, I’d say that maybe this is why some guys (and gals!) go to pieces after their relationships bust up. They’re (maybe) using their relationships to validate themselves, to stave off a feeling they’re worthless/useless without them, rather than having this built on a genuine foundation of happiness and self worth coming from both parties.

To answer the topic abstract directly, I think the most important thing you can do is give yourself a break, and be forgiving to yourself about your imperfections and failures. So what - it doesn't matter. This is why I was wailing against the idea of the magician in another thread round here somewhere, because teh sterotypical "mad magus" idea doesn't encourage this open quality.
 
 
cusm
18:04 / 13.10.03
Orin, MDMA removes emotional blockages (to a rather extremne extent), and LSD gives both a heightened awareness of your own sentience and puts you into a highly suggestable state where changes and decisions made become more powerfuly felt than normally. These things are both the benefit and problems with these drugs. They're high powered tools when used for magick, so take care.

They're also useless without a working to go with them, or ideas to chew on. That's where the deconstructionalism in chaos magick comes in. Liber Null, I'm convinced any more, is a working of magick to read as well as a book on magick. That's certainly how it worked for me, anyways.

The key though, is self awareness, careful identification of how and why you are doing things, questioning of all of your programming, and changing that which does not stand up to your scruitiny. I suggest continuing to ask yourself "why?" until you can't give a satisfactory answer, and then choosing the answer you desire.

Example: Why do I reject homosexual contact? Because I'm straight. That's just a lable, why really? I feel wierd about it. Why? People would call me a faggot. Why is this bad? Because that's the way it was in middle school when faggot was the worst sort of insult. Why are you thinking like you are still in middle school? Gee, I don't know. Do your fiends really care anymore? No, I guess not. Do you really care what people think anyway? No, I guess not. So do as thou will!

A simplification, but that's the sort of internal dialog that can work you through things to actual change. You don't just need to stalk yourself as Castinada says, you need to pin yourself down and beat youself into submission. Take away every reason you hold on to for the thing, rationalize it down to utter meaninglessness, until you let go. Then decide again how you feel about it and why. But most of all, give yourself a good enough reason to do it. If you're not modivated enough to really apply yourself to it, you can not succeed. It must be your total will opposed only by minor programming issues that is in charge, so you can clean up those issues and move on. The magick is just the catalist to let the change happen as it would anyway. You already know it is what you want/need to do, and this desire means that it is already so in some part of you. You are only fulfilling what you already are, the change is just the rest of yourself catching up. The hardest part is simply letting go of the old you, which is easier the more you see things from the perspective of the you you wish to be.
 
 
electric monk
10:55 / 15.10.03
cusm - Isn't constant questioning of oneself a technique for contacting the HGA? Any risks involved there?


More from my journal:

9/6/03 - 1am, Waxing Moon

A valiant effort tonight as I struggle for concentration after a night of partying. Residually drunk & high.

Enclosed spaces are an issue for me, even in visualization. So too are spooks getting "in my face" or touching me. Heightened senses in the darkness lead me to being super-alert.

9/7/03 - 8:45pm, Waxing Moon

Full Auric Egg tonight and freeform visualization. Trying to flow with stray, disturbing images that Phosgene Concentration (those "blotches" behind your closed eyes) may reveal. Seemed a good way to be surprised and have to relax thru it.

9/8/03 - 9:45pm, Waxing Moon

Began with a viz. of the little girl zombie. Her father soon appeared and gave chase. Saw myself running, but decided to stop and face the zombie. Instead of trying to see thru his disguise I tore it right off! Underneath was a smiling face, almost familiar. Was able to do the same to the little girl, the "toothy clown", the "wierd sisters" and others. Some proved to have my face, others were simply friendly. I am only scaring myself.

9/9/03 - 11:45pm, Waxing Moon

Tired, agitated & unable to concentrate. Tonight I shall seek the haunted house in my dreams. Dammit...
 
 
macrophage
12:13 / 16.10.03
I gave up drinking alchohol cos I was such an arsehole and I have been fusing NLP techniques along with my own personal chaos magick system along with mediations, yoga and the brief forray into 'Falun Gong' - this is what true alchemy is about, trying to better yourself, do some shit and all that. We are the bosses of our own biocomputers, we program them - do what thou wilt..........
 
 
macrophage
12:20 / 16.10.03
And on a second note, to the person who is trying to get themselves a new HGA - you don't need to do the Abramelin, just do alot of sigils involved with the astral plane/dreaming etc...... Everything is always in perpetual change - paradigms, I mean - or they are for me!!!!!! New experiences propel us forward...........
 
 
Lord Switch
12:59 / 16.10.03
I actually used magick to lose weight.
I did invokations to gods asociated with war and then exercised (ashtanga yoga) untill i colapsed.
when I got hungry I did an invocation to divergent motherly godesses asking for assistance.

I was 150cm tall and 85 kilos.
I'm now 165cm tall and 66 kilos

>)
magick works baby
 
 
cusm
15:01 / 16.10.03
Isn't constant questioning of oneself a technique for contacting the HGA? Any risks involved there?

Sure, change is always risky
 
 
FinderWolf
17:49 / 16.10.03
I used magick to get rid of acne. And I'm not joking, either, and it worked.
 
 
electric monk
02:50 / 17.10.03
I'm glad to see so many contributions here, and doubly glad to see so many folks doin' it for themselves. Very inspirational.

From the journal:

9/10/03 -> 11pm, Full Moon

A big ol' smile on my face tonight as I am able to find humor in this whole situation. It's silly for people to put so much effort into scaring people. It's rather silly for people to enjoy being scared, and it's VERY silly of me not to enjoy it.

Feeling fairly confident in my Auric Egg practice, and think I will have it honed into a fine weapon when this work is thru. Surprisingly, I am looking forward to testing myself in a real-world scenario.

9/11/03 -> 12:30am, Waning Moon

Auric Egg tonight only, with no real visualization taking place. Tired and stiff in my back. Another disappointing night, due to lack of preparedness.

The first 10 days are over and I am, overall, glad in my progress so far.
 
 
electric monk
20:03 / 19.10.03
More Journal:

9/12/03 -> 1am, Waning Moon

Energetic Auric Egg tonight, slipping & stopping due to intense high (after a week's abstention). Easily picked up the meditational thread when I dropped it. The White phase truly erased fear and doubt. Felt shot thru with lightness.

Visualized a huge, grey-furred, red-eyed bug outside the temple window. Enough to shake me up good! I think the last time I saw him was on 'Lost in Space'. Creepy. Fear, awe, and laughter.

9/13/03 -> 11pm, Waning Moon

Walked thru the hallways to a claustrophobic meat locker/slaughter room. Mad butcher in there, talking away. Body parts on a carving table: hands, feet, torsos and a head that opened its eyes, startling me. Tried to maintain a sense of humour.

From 'Liber Null' - "Consider laughter: it is the highest emotion(al expression), for it can contain all others from ecstacy to grief. It has no opposite. Crying is merely an underdeveloped form of it which cleanses the eyes & summons assistance to infants."

My route to laughter in all things is one of ongoing meditation, self-guided visualization, and dedication to change.

Laughter allows intellectual absorbtion and intellectual separation.
 
 
electric monk
02:38 / 22.10.03
From the Journal Infernal

9/14/003 -> 9:30pm, Waning Moon

Full Auric Egg viz tonight preceded by Even Nostril Breathing. Not easy for me due to a crooked nose , but contributed nicely to a deep meditation. Felt confident and persistent.

Concentrated on the Collage. Tried to be aware of all the tenseness in my body and to lessen it with regular breathing and an effort to "let go" of my tensed muscles. Tried to feel my whole body lighten and float in the half-lotus. Laughter also played it's part.

9/15/03 -> 10pm, Waning Moon

Tonight yielded no new results...I feel there needs to be a new element added. Perhaps a soundtrack...

Realized tonight that I have all but abandoned assertiveness for a "doormat" stature, both socially and at work. This must be addressed immediately.

9/16/03 -> 12:30am, Waning Moon

The late hour, the 'Tuesday Declassified' ghost stories and general anxieties all played their part and I was fairly nervous tonight. Found it difficult to look at the collage and difficult to follow any visualizations at first. Paranoid fear gripped me as the feeling of a hand on my shoulder seemed more and more likely. Last night I jumped out of meditation too quickly, lying that I needed no more. I determined not to move from the Egg until I was calm. Visualized myself surrounded by monsters, eager for my flesh. Naked, I stood up from my lotus position and welcomed them with open arms. I was mobbed by claws and teeth. Finishing, they stepped back to reveal me, freshly skinned. I had become a monster. A monstrous group hug ensued. Felt free, light as air, happy. Was able to regulate breathing and relax muscles that had tensed. Came out of the Egg quieted and a bit more confident.

The times when I want to give up for the night due to nervousness are exactly the times I need to work hardest. I must learn to calm myself at these times and to call up the Egg. A smile wouldn't hurt either.
 
 
electric monk
19:10 / 26.10.03
TA-bump

Well anyhoo, I went on like this up until the 10th. Along the way, I did a full breakdown of the collage, mixed in some primal scream bullshit, made offerings to my favorite gods and came out the other side feeling a hell of a lot better. I've signed up to be a costumed character in my company's haunted house, and on Nov. 1st I'm going to go thru a haunted house with a group of friends. I'm REALLY looking forward to it!

Happy Halloween!
 
 
Chiropteran
17:49 / 29.10.03
[I've been away from the board for awhile, now I'm trying to catch up...]

ElectricMonk: "Visualized myself surrounded by monsters, eager for my flesh. Naked, I stood up from my lotus position and welcomed them with open arms. I was mobbed by claws and teeth. Finishing, they stepped back to reveal me, freshly skinned. I had become a monster. A monstrous group hug ensued. Felt free, light as air, happy."

Reading something like this can bring tears to my eyes. Beautiful, ElectricMonk. Truly beautiful.

Have fun in the haunted house - after all, that's what it's there for (for You).

[slight rot: for more "embracing the inner monster," take a look at Clive Barker's novella "Cabal" and his short stories "Twilight At the Towers," and "The Skins of the Fathers." Approached within the proper headspace, they can be awesomely empowering - though not unmixed with grief.]

Good Haunting! (And I mean that!)

~L
 
 
electric monk
03:09 / 05.11.03
Update: Backed out of the company haunted house at work. Much too intense for a first run and not nearly enough people I trust to feel comfortable. It got added to my plans at the last minute, true, but I still have to count it as a failure. It did re-assert my determination tho. I went out with friends to a haunted house on the 1st, but it didn't go quite as planned. When we got there, we realised that the haunted house was a literal house in a residential neighborhood. This made it a pretty toned-down affair, which may have been just what I needed. Watching a teen in a bat costume wail away on a teen in an evil clown costume on the staging area in front of the house, I just had to laugh. At myself, at everyone around me, and the whole damn thing. Didn't get to go into the house tho, due to incliment weather and our ride having another place to be. So I seem to be delayed slightly. Ah well. More time to practice my Auric Egg and study what may or may not have happened to me.

Thanks for your kind indulgence folks. I'm glad I could share some of this with you.

Lep - Much appreciated. Thank you.
 
  
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