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I was late for work today because...

07:33 / 25.09.03

...I had to run around the house chasing a bat which the cats had brought in as a present for me.

What are your best/worst excuses for being late for work?

07:39 / 25.09.03

Living in London provides all manner of handy transport excuses from "I was stuck at Green Park for 20 minutes" to "Some guy jumped on the tracks at Euston"; colleagues will invariably cluck sympathetically and chime in with their own tales of public transport woe.

I find it's usually best to adhere to the theme of mechanical failure, as this absolves all concerned from fault. "A pipe burst overnight", "the washing machine overflowed" or the perennial "my car wouldn't start" are all oldies but goodies.

Guess the complexity of the excuse depends on one's own status, and the status of the individual to whom one must 'report'. Being (now) reasonably far up the hierarchy, I find a simple "I didn't get up in time" rather satisfying.

07:44 / 25.09.03

About a block from work, on the interstate, the car I was using, which was stolen, overheated and broke down. Before I could do anything, one of the motorist assistant people who patrol the highways for broken down cars pulled up. I was scared he had the equipment to run the plates and see things weren't on the straight and narrow. But he didn't, tried to jump the car but of course that didn't work. He called a towing company to tow the car to a repair shop. And as soon as he drove off I got the plates off the car and thumbed a ride to work.

07:45 / 25.09.03

Most recent - "My bike was making funny noises so i went back home"
Most usual - "I slept in" or, as Gamesh says, a simple "bloody tube" usually suffices.

Wish I could come up with something funnier, so i look forward to other people's suggestiong. I consider up to 20 minutes late to be on time these days, so I only make excuses if it's more than that.

07:52 / 25.09.03

The streetcar had a flat tire.

08:12 / 25.09.03

Agreed, public transport is a gem! They're quite relaxed at my work, so I don't often have to come up with an excuse unless - like Ariadne - it's over a certain piss-taking threshold. It's great saying "the bus was late" when you're clearly really hungover too.

Er, Jack, why were you driving a stolen car?

08:23 / 25.09.03

Friend of ours is a used car dealer. One day he brings my then roommate this new black car with dealer plates on it. He says that he sold it to this navy guy, and the guy was out to sea for a few months and wanted him to watch the car for him, and he didn't want to leave it at his place. So my roommate drives it around for a little while until the battery dies. Some months later we ask our car dealing friend what the deal with the car is. His response is "Man, all that car needs is a jump.". True, but what about the navy guy, is he back yet? "Yeah, he's back." So doesn't he want his car? "Man, all that car needs is a jump." He never gave us any more answers.

08:26 / 25.09.03

Distraction works well: launch into a dramatic narrative that's significantly more interesting than your lateness, and give 'em the old razzle-dazzle. "My father's dead", "I had to stop my flatmate from killing herself" and "I'm being stalked by this Welsh bloke off the Internet" are all good examples of such misdirection.

Ex

08:26 / 25.09.03

Not late, but incompetent: "I was a bit sleepy so I ate a bar of dark chocolate to wake me up and now I seem to be tripping on the sugar and caffeine. I'll be wired for an hour or so. I'm not on drugs. No, really, I'm not! Notnotnot. Blerrrrrgh."
I'm not, either, but it's an accusation (like "Urgh! You fancy him!") which gains credibility the more you deny it.

09:15 / 25.09.03

In my last job (which was a very happy place to be) I once phoned in and said I had been abducted by aliens and would be there as soon as I was able to escape. By the time I finally got in, I had thought up a more convincing excuse and they were all laughing with me rather than shouting at me.

I've been on the receiving end of a few dodgy calls. A male nurse once told me he couldn't come in because he had dysmenorrhea. The simpler the story and the less said the better. Long, complicated, roundabout excuses are always suspicious.

Sudden deaths of elderly relatives has the disadvantage that somebody might be logging them. In the past I've been driven to charting a loose family tree with extant and deceased relatives of unreliable staff members marked off on it.

I'd feel bad about tempting fate by claiming bereavement anyway but, as Ariadne and Ganesh said, in London you can always get away with "London transport, sheesh..." Best said with an exasperated and innocent mien.

Best excuses are taking something minor that has happened recently and just exaggerate and timeshift. Makes it much easier to lie convincingly. What you're saying is essentially true, just not that it delayed you that morning, or at all.

10:03 / 25.09.03

I once crashed into an ambulance on the way to a work appointment. I phoned up work to tell them to contact the people I was meeting and they just pissed themselves laughing. I was giving them a frantic running commentary of the elderly woman in a neck-brace being decanted into another ambulance and they thought it was just getting funnier. It was really very worrying. Post-script - the patient was alright in the end, but apparently her heart had stopped too. Jesus.

10:21 / 25.09.03

Speaking of lateness, I've had three out of three patients turn up late for this morning's clinic - and we're not talking five, ten minutes; we're talking at least 40 minutes late for a one-hour appointment. "Traffic" was the excuse in two cases, "having a bad day" in the third...

10:36 / 25.09.03

"You're having a bad day now, sunshine. Nurse, the screens."

10:40 / 25.09.03

"You're not in panto now, Mr Bruno..."

10:44 / 25.09.03

I was two hours and forty-five minutes late for work on Monday because 'I got held up in London last night'... no one batted an eyelid.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:44 / 25.09.03

I was unable to cross the vasty plains reaching from the bedroom to the study. The lions which roam my landing had tired of gazelle and thought to help themselves to a slice of early-morning writer. I was forced to take refuge under the bed, where I discovered a community of pygmy elephants which feed on dusty little trees. I was so excited by this find that I forgot to start work until after lunch...

11:10 / 25.09.03

An old colleague of mine used to combine both of Ganesh's suggestions. His excuses were always transport related, but with just enough extra detail to amuse and disorientate. "Swans on the line" was my favourite.

11:37 / 25.09.03

"Leaves on the doormat."

11:46 / 25.09.03

Projectile leprosy, arms and legs flying everywhere.

Akin to blaming machinery I also enjoy blaming old people, with such excuses as “an old lady fell over on the bus, even though she was fine the bus driver waited for an ambulance” continue with complaints about old people, everyone hates em.

11:59 / 25.09.03

Not mine, but the best I've heard...

"I was kicked in the head by my two-year old"

With accompanying black eye!

12:20 / 25.09.03

I like my bat excuse. It was a little pippistrell and about to get tormented to death by two very curious cats. It's certainly the first time they've brought a bat in, although most of the wildlife spectrum has been represented. I'd just come out of the shower and was bollock naked and I pounced on the little bugger. Then I remembered bats can give you rabies if they nip you so I ran off for a pint glass to put it in. I released it into the wild in the garden and it flew off into the morning mist. Lovely.

The cats weren't half pissed off, mind.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

12:24 / 25.09.03

My cranial implant was hacked.

12:56 / 25.09.03

Your cats clearly do not fall with the 'superstitious and cowardly' criminality demographic, Sax...

13:04 / 25.09.03

So, you did all this glass-fetching and garden-bat-releasing in the skud? Just checking I have this picture right. And do you have neighbours?

13:08 / 25.09.03

Yes, but they're used to that kind of thing.

It was bloody cold as well this morning. Well, that's my excuse, anyway.

13:21 / 25.09.03

"I'm late for work because I was afraid to leave the house. My neighbour was standing naked in his garden, waving a pint glass, and I was too scared to walk past."

14:34 / 25.09.03

Let's see... my most popular one is "I couldn't find my keys," but I've been known to claim "I couldn't find my shoes," and, the tried and true, "I couldn't find my glasses."

Whisky Priestess

16:15 / 25.09.03

Oh Lord, so many - usually the true and reliable Tube disaster.

My usual problem is that I just keep turning the alarm off, but that don;t sound too good. So I say it didn't go off or that I slept through it. Boring, I know.

Losing my handbag/locking myself out of the house are excellent dodges, but sadly I only ever use them when they're true ...

Goodness Gracious Meme

18:16 / 25.09.03

Glasses are great for this.

I've broken/dropped mine in the pub/club night before, and then strolled into work having 'dropped them on the bus/tube and had to get off and mend them'.

Again, element of truth always makes this more convincing. if someone's worked with me for more than two days they know it's exactly the kind of twattish thing i do.

These days, though, the only thing i have to be on time for i'm boringly reliable, as they're such a good bunch i actively feel guilt for fucking them about.

help me someone?

Otherwise, exhousemate and i were practised at ringing up for each other and being utterly convincing. (shameless good liars, basically.)