BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


The Revenge Thread

 
 
Grand Panjandrum of the Pointless
21:56 / 30.08.03
In which tales are told (truthful or otherwise) of the Revenge of Jiltees upon their Jilters

This story I heard about third hand. I did once meet the protagonist, but never discussed this with him, it being a cocktail party, and tempura being among the snacks.

A thoroughly blameless and frighteningly talented boy was once dumped by a long term girlfriend, who then began going out with an Andrew Lloyd Webber fan who lived in the room next door to him. And who played AL-W’s musical abortions at terrifying volumes, day and night. So our hero comes up with a solution. He will make this man’s life Living Hell for his immediately foreseeable Life.
He waited for the victim to go on holiday, then broke into the room (he was a talented locksmith) and spent a considerable part of the evening industriously sewing partially decomposed shrimp into the lining of the curtains. . Being somewhat gifted in the techie line, he also programmed a thingumabob with the capability of recognising every song in the Webber oeuvre within a bar or two (in reality probably just any noise, but maybe they really are so simple this is actually possible. I’m not musical, I wouldn’t know). He connected it to a remote control. This he hid under a chest of drawers, facing the Webber- playing sound system. This cunning device would detect and silence any Webber song within seconds. No music for muggins, but extra Mysterious Foetid Odour, always a favourite with the opposite sex... Screams of rage and technological frustration were heard through the wall for several days, punctuated by long intervals of blessed Peace.

I also knew a girl who, on being dumped, broke into her boyfriend’s house, pulled every shoelace from every trainer he owned, and burnt the lot in a big pile in the garden. She was thoroughly lovely otherwise, though.

Other stories please.
 
 
w1rebaby
23:07 / 30.08.03
The only thing I'm proud of, or at least slightly proud, is being in a bar, discussing the breakup, and throwing down the money to pay for the drinks and walking out.

There was something about throwing down the money that made it satisfying. In fairly good contact with the person in question now, it was a long time ago.

Other things I have done are not so praiseworthy, including "you're a big girl, you take care of it" to a pregnancy scare.
 
 
Jack The Bodiless
15:47 / 31.08.03
After my first fiancee disposed of my services, I found myself in the position of having to ask my bank to extend the loan I'd taken out to pay for certain wedding-related things which, of course, you don't get refunded.

My account manager reviewed my file and noted that the loan was originally set up because I was getting married. He asked what the new loan extension was for. Rather than tell him the truth ("my fragile ego has been battered and deep-fried, and I require a bottle of cheap whisky and sixty cigarettes a day to feel human again, officer"), I had a sudden Nasty Epiphany, and told him that I needed the money to pay for my wife's funeral. But not like that - convincingly, while fiddling with the ring I'd only just surreptitously moved to the right finger.

Cue account manager hurriedly assuring me that he'll do everything he can, and spending ten minutes on the phone in the next office successfully arguing with head office that I should be given more money to piss up the wall. Cue me walking home saluting children in the street and cuddling old ladies, to stick the Stone Roses 'I Am The Resurrection' on at cat-bothering volume while assuming an ironic cruciform pose. Cue me sending the ex-fiancee a Get Well Soon card thanking her for being dead enough to get me drinking-money.
 
 
Papess
15:51 / 31.08.03
THAT...is an ace story Jack!
 
 
mixmage
23:49 / 31.08.03
Ditt-the fuck-OH!
 
 
grant
03:03 / 01.09.03
I think it was a dolphin - could've been a shark

Just so you know, sharks' tails are vertical, like their dorsal fins (which are delta-shaped), and dolphins' tails are horizontal (and their dorsal fins are slightly curved).


I don't have any inspiring revenge stories. Once I launched a grafitti campaign, but it wasn't much to be proud of (and didn't have her number in it or anything -- more so that she'd see it and feel guilty). I'm passive aggressive that way.

I suppose the first time I started a rock band and sang in front of people was an oblique way of getting revenge. See? I can be one of the cool guys, too! IT'S NOT HARD, YOU SIMPERING WEASEL!

That wasn't the whole reason why, but it certainly helped stoke the fire in the belly.
 
 
that
08:47 / 01.09.03
Strangely, I did know that, on some level. I think it was a dolphin (two, actually), but I couldn't say for sure, in retrospect.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
09:35 / 01.09.03
Once upon a time, a friend of mine was taken by her boyfriend to his expensive pistol club. He was something of a pistol-shooting fanatic, and he was very, very good at it. He handed her over to the instructor on the (wise) basis that it's not always good for partners to teach one another, particularly when firearms are involved. Then he went off to shoot further down the range.

The instructor looked at my friend, and then gave her a pistol and a pair of ear-protectors.

"Okay," he said. "That's the target. You better do what everyone does - empty the gun like John Wayne. Then we'll get down to how to hit the target."

She did. Straight into the ten ring. Never held a gun before in her life. Then she did it again - all but two in the ten. It went on like that for a while, and finally the instructor simply said that any time she wanted to train for the Olympics, he could probably help her get up to scratch in a couple of months.

Then she shot a target with most of the bullets outside the four. She kept the first target for herself, signed and dated by the instructor, and she showed the last one to her boyfriend because she didn't want him to feel small. As she said at the time - he really worked hard to get as good as he was. There was no particular virtue in what she could do, any more than some people can roll their tongues, and some can't...

Six months later, he ran off with a girl who sold real estate. My friend sent him a copy of the first target.

He never shot again.
 
 
The Puck
14:49 / 01.09.03
Im exessivly proud of this because this is one of the first time any of my "revenge" schemes havnt been spur of the moment fisical acts, nobody dumped me but they did piss me off. Anyway *cue wobbly lines that lead to a inevitable flashback*

I am leaving work to go Australia for 8 months (ARRRGH im SO nervous) so it has been left to me to train the poor guy up, it turns out this guy is the worst kind of student, meaning a up-him-self jumped up little shit and after a couple of shifts and some spiked comments to my freinds, things like "i cant belive people do this for a real job" " our customers are so common" etc etc it gotto the point that nobody wanted to work with the guy.
well i decieded to do summat about it. Luckly i knew someone who went to school with him who told me he was hated there so that got me to thinking. Soo i checked out his freinds reunited web biog i was rewarded with two pages of childish filth and bitterness including a small paragraph on how he was working at a "shit-hole of a pub". this i then printed off and photocopyed 6 or 7 times and placed round the pub at important intervals.

hes now working his notice, twart.
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
17:31 / 01.09.03
A few months after my Wife left me, her life wasn't going so well. Her and her new boyfriend had bought a car on the assumption that she would win a BIG settlement from her job (he'd hooked her up with a crooked lawyer who knows how to scam big insurance claims) and instead were having to leave their apartment and get a much cheaper one far away from the first one. She also had decided to no longer honor her National Guard committment as it was the buildup to the first Gulf War and they were probably going to be sent overseas.

After she'd been in hiding for a few weeks, I got calls from both the military and the car dealership, wondering if I knew where she was.

Then, as now, she was having me take my son for weekly visits, and was using me as daycare (well, not so much the daycare now), so I not only knew where she was, I knew when and where she worked, when her car would be at home or at work...pretty much everything.

I thought on it for about 5 seconds...how she'd left me the day before Thanksgiving, cleaning out the bank account, trashing the apartment, putting stop payments on the checks that had been sent to pay bills, fighting in court to make it so I couldn't see my son, taking all the food from the fridge so I was left broke and without food on Thnksgiving, and how since her court case was going badly, she was suing me for half of my comic books.

Yeah. I thought about it.

I thought about how best to make it the most painful for her.

The car company was told when and where they could pick up the car (about 10 minutes after one of our meets for me picking up our son) and they said that if they were able to get the car, I would get a $100 check. They pulled by my apartment with the car in tow and gave me a $100 bill and thanked me.

The army was told her new address and phone number as well as where she worked, and they tahnked me. Later that week, I read in the paper where her outfit had shipped out a couple of weeks before, and she had worked out a plea bargain where she would pay back all the money they had paid her, plus since they had assumed her student loans in part of her recruitment deal, she had to pay the Army back for them. She tried to declare bankruptsy to get out of it, but that just meant that the Army gave her debts to the IRS, which does not recognize bankruptsy other than having to wait for 7 years (and accumulate interest) before going back to garnishing your wages for the debt.

Was it the nice thing to do? No. Did it feel good? Oh HELL yeah.
 
 
Van Plague?
18:15 / 01.09.03
If I may delurk for a moment to say, and heartily at that..

Good on ya, Solitaire!!!
 
 
Papess
22:01 / 01.09.03
There is a place for wrath, after all. An excellent lesson in using rage and other people's plain-old-worn-out-karma, to bring about change. Thanks Solitare.
 
 
w1rebaby
22:17 / 01.09.03
HAHAHAHAHA

that Solitaire Rose chick not only has great tits, she rocks a fat one too
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
23:10 / 01.09.03
They should film that story and show it every Christmas.
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
01:19 / 02.09.03
Heh...

She did confront me about it, and I just said, "I was scared the Army would take me to court...and I have a job in social services. I can't afford to break the law."
 
 
Thjatsi
04:42 / 02.09.03
Solitare, you seem like a fairly nice person. How did you end up married to someone like that?
 
 
Jack The Bodiless
05:21 / 02.09.03
Hah. Sounds about on a par with my second fiancee...

Rose, my man, you rock the night (as Joey Tempest used to say).
 
 
DaveBCooper
09:07 / 02.09.03
Not really an active revenge thing, but karma, I guess…

After she broke it off, she behaved very poorly towards me indeed, and I cut off all contact, though she still sent me some very unpleasant letters and tried to turn people against me.
A year or so later, I was going to a wedding reception, and had an idea she might be there. So I went along a bit late, looking – by my scruffy standards, anyway – rather smart.
When I walked in, everyone was drunk and effusive, so several of them shouted my name warmly, startling my ex on the other side of the room – she hadn’t known I was invited.
After some silliness where she kept looking away when I said hi, I engaged her in conversation, with her on one side of me and her new boyfriend on the other (I was pleased, on a petty level, to note that he was not, as they say on ‘Ricki’, all that). They’d been travelling a few months earlier, but had been in a car crash (nothing fatal) and so had come back home early. I knew this, so the following conversation took place:

Me – Heard about the car crash. Nasty.
She – Yes, it was.
Me – Did you get to finish off the travelling ?
She – Yes, but I didn’t enjoy, it really.
Me – Sorry to hear that. But are you, you know, generally happy ?
She – No.

This with her current beau standing beside me. I like to think that they probably had an – ahem – lively discussion in the car on the way home about that.
I dunno what I said to her comment, something on the lines of ‘oh dear’ I expect, but inside I was thinking far less charitable thoughts, most of which were on the lines of ‘ah-hahahahahahahahaha’.

Not as active a revenge as some of the ones on this thread, I know, but kinda proved to me the old adage that the best revenge is living well…
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:35 / 02.09.03
%A car crash? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ohthat'sgood... Was she, y'know, hurt? Like maybe with permanent scars on her face and stuff? That's what she probably deserves for dumping one of the Barbelith princes! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good one!%

With a couple of exceptions, this thread sucks ass.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
10:59 / 02.09.03
I think this is a great thread with many interesting and involving stories. Revenge is sweet. When your ex boyfriend of three weeks starts to date your best friend who's a complete fucking prick tease and then they come to the city where you live with a load of your friends and don't let them ring you because they're complete bastards and don't want you to have any contact with people you've known for years it becomes necessary to screw your ex boyfriend in his swimming pool so he dumps your best friend the bitch.

Then you have a chat with your friend (though the best is dropped forever) and apologise because you know she's just a naive twat really and you dump him but still let him come to your parties dressed in suspenders so you can laugh at him forever and ever.
 
 
DaveBCooper
11:16 / 02.09.03
Perhaps I should clarify: not hahahahaha about the car crash, it was the fact that she wasn't happy, and said so in front of her new chap, that made me hahahahahahahaha.
 
 
mixmage
17:46 / 02.09.03
How about:

Take them to the other side of the world, where they have no family or friends other than yours, don't speak the language and the job offer they were pretty sure of turns out to be utter bullshit.

Then Dump them.

BUT... continue to come back to the cramped living room floor on which you share a mattress, stinking of sex and hash - neither of which they will have scored for several months.

THEN... demand that they cease all contact with the one person they have managed to befriend at a nowhere job (eg. testing "speak and spell" type toys, but for US spelling) if they are ever to entertain the hope of reconciliation. Stand over them while they make the call, just to be sure.

Then tell 'em they're still dumped.

oh... don't forget to look surprised when they eventually crack and wire home because they have no cash to buy a ticket out of there. Try to make it an awkward time, like christmas or easter, when flights are triple-booked. Hell, why not make it from christmas 'til easter?

If they still haven't topped themself, consider it an utter failure.
 
  
Add Your Reply