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Underground > Creation >

Reality Chews

15:15 / 19.08.03

Let's create some reality TV shows! My secret plan is, if we totally exhaust the format, we could concievably sue the people who make these shows into oblivion! Or sell our ideas, whichever is the most fun.
The only rules are:

1)They must be plausible (However, keep in mind a show was mooted where the contestants had to try to catch diseases off each other).

2)Plagiarism is accepted and encouraged, as long as the finished product will bring the viewers in.

There must be an angel playing with my heart.
Mercilessly ripping off both 'My new best friend' and 'The Chamber', contestants are given a permanent heart monitor and have to keep their heart rate below a certain level for a week, all the while carrying on with their normal life. However popular comedian Phil Jupitus will be interfering with their life dressed as a huge cherub, insulting their boss, lying to their partner, and singing rude songs about them outside their house at 2AM.

Whisky Priestess

18:51 / 19.08.03

What a genuinely fantastic idea. I fear that my own original idea has been mercilessly ripped off by Channel 4 already, the bastards. And they said it couldn't be done.

Deathtrap Lapdance Island

Ten horny men. Forty professional lapdancers. And five antipersonnel mines sewn into their G-strings. Touch them and they'll take your arm off. Apply today!

Or how about

Cut the crap

One brave volunteer has to go as long as possible without a bowel movement - on hand are Cheerleaders feeding them regulated doses of fibre-rich foods, coffee and other stool-encouraging substances, but they have to stay off the throne for as long as they can, and every turd-free day earns them another £1000. Can they make it to the end of the week? Can they make it to the toilet on time? An on-air loss of control and subsequent trouser-cacking will result in their losing all the money they have made up to the point - so it pays to keep it in your pants.

14:32 / 20.08.03

BEER FACTOR

essentially FEAR FACTOR, but before and after each death-defying stunt, the competitors must empty a pitcher. As the events continue, the contestants get sloppier and more cocky. Painful accidents ensue.

15:31 / 20.08.03

Get me out of Hell I'm a Celebrity

A crueler revamp of the popular reality TV show. In this version, 10 celebrities are placed on a desert island, and expertly starved, humiliated, tormented and broken by trained professionals. Celebrities have to perform like seals for the audience in the hope that someone will take pity on them and vote them off the island. The celebrity that can last out the longest wins.

I thought this actually was the premise of this programme the first time I saw it, which would have been fantastic. Imagine the dissapointment.

16:20 / 20.08.03

Celebrity Nit-Nurse

Each week three b-list celebrities will be asked a series of innapropriate probing questions whilst having their scalps thoroughly checked for nits in front of a live audience.

Naked Dracula

12 willing contestants are locked in a house under 24 hour surveilance, along with Christopher Lee, naked.

Wookie or Won't he?

Contestants seek to best Chewbacca in a contest of no holds barred stunts and daring feats of endurance. Is there nothing Chewbacca won't do? A bit like Fear Factor, but hairier.

Blame it on the Wookie

Don't blame it on the sunshine. Don't blame it on the Moonlight. Remarkably similar to 'Wookie or Won't He' but with a disco soundtrack and more interesting clothing.

Tougher than Bruce Lee

6 martial arts hopefuls get their opportunity to test their devastating high kicking skills on the exhumed corpse of Bruce Lee - unaware that the great master's freinds and family have been invited to the studio to watch from behind a two-way mirror.

'Temptation Abbatoir'

9 vegan couples are set to work in two abbatoirs on opposite sides of a desert island, one staffed entirely by male models, the other by female models. Unpleasantness ensues.

18:29 / 20.08.03

Run from the scary monster! RUN!
Contestants are strapped into non-removable monster costumes, their mouths taped up, their hands bound into fists. The winner is the first person who makes their family/boyfriend/girlfriend realise who they are.

18:49 / 20.08.03

YOU ARE NOT HOT, NOR ARE YOU EVEN WARM. IN FACT, IT'S FAIR TO SAY YOU COULD NOT BE CALLED TEPID EVEN UNDER THE MOST FAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCE

In which low level celebrities judge contestants based solely on their appearance. The winner will be whomever goes longest without breaking into tears after extensive verbal abuse by Michael "American Ninja" Dudikoff. With a laser pointer.

18:53 / 20.08.03

Temptation Raft
Exactly the same as Temptation Island, but set on a 10 foot square raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

19:03 / 20.08.03

Blimey! I’m Jackie Chan!

9 contestants are hypnotised into believing that they are martial arts supremo Jackie Chan and then taken to Whitley Bay. Slapstick kung-fu hilarity all the way to the ambulance.

Is that Tom Baker? Or am I crazy?

An unwitting suspect is targeted whilst shopping in the city centre. An actor, disguised as former Dr Who and author of ‘The Boy who Kicked Pigs’, Tom Baker, pursues him across town, always remaining elusive. Laugh as our hapless contestant continually catches glimpses of a long patterned scarf disappearing round the corner and wonders “is that Tom Baker? or am I crazy?”

19:28 / 20.08.03

DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU, CHIEF

Ten ordinary people live in a house with constant video coverage and perform stunts and get quizzed for a cash prize. Actor Michael Madsen is free to roam the house at will, chatting up female contestants, smoking, and cuffing people in the back of the head for no reason at all if he chooses.

15:49 / 21.08.03

Christmas Every Day
9 (or 10) people must spend a year in a house. Every day they must decorate a tree, drink egg-nog, exchange presents, sing carols, eat a whole turkey and christmas pudding, and watch the Queen's speech, followed by a Roger Moore Bond film. The winner is the last person to go mad or have three simultaneous heart attacks.

Whisky Priestess

16:16 / 21.08.03

They Shoot Shoplifters, Don't They?

A reality-crime-realtime-documentary, where the Russell Square Safeway's is constantly monitored on CCTV by uniformed, armed guards for shoplifters. Once one has been spotted, they have a thirty-second head start to get out of the supermarket and beyond the range of the guards' automatic rifles. Bloody chases through the Brunswick Centre, and possible deaths, ensue.

plus ...

They Shoot Alcoholic Shoplifters Special
The Saturday Night bonus edition, filmed at the next-door Safeway-owned off-licence.

22:08 / 02.09.03

PAROLE
Set in a real prison, featuring real criminals, you get to decide who gets parolled early! Vote for whoever tickles your fancy! Which killer do YOU want back on the streets by monday? Also, win the chance to become a prison guard for a week!

DEATH ROW USA
For the US version, you also get to vote who you want executed first!

Each week, three nominees: One gets fried, one gets freed and one gets sent to solitary!
It's FLY, FRY or CRY!

10:42 / 03.09.03

Temptation Cage
Temptation Cave
Temptation Crypt
Temptation Diving Bell

Whisky Priestess

16:42 / 03.09.03

Lapdance Hammock

Deathtrap Raft

Transvestite Shark Wrestling

Crack Bingo

Shaddapa You Face!
Contestants mock-real-life mafiosi with ill-advised wiseguy cracks and constant off-key singing of the eponymous novelty hit, until they are shot. Winner is the one with the least fatal wound: they get dinner through a straw at 21.

Mr. and Minor (how-well-do-you-know-each-other paedo show)

Temptation Matchbox

Enema Island

Play Your 'tards Right
Unemployed actors needing an Equity card impersonate mentally challenged people on the streets of London. Winner is the one who can successfully convince a team of social workers to incarcerate them for ten years or more in a mental institution: on release they will reveal that it was all a stunt, and get full Equity membership.

15:47 / 04.09.03

'Whacking a toad with a spade'
Half hour entertainment in which members of the public take turns to commit acts of grievous violence on a toad with a garden implement.

'Celebrity whacking a toad with a spade'
Same as above,except with Dennis Waterman ladelling out the grief.

Whisky Priestess

15:59 / 04.09.03

Celebrity Pity-Fuck

An attractive young TV wannabe has to pay for his/her television exposure by being wired up to a hidden camera/audio recording device and stalking the streets of Hollywood/London/New York until they find an ex-famous person (e.g. Patrick Swayze, Sonia, Brian Cant) to seduce. They must ply the doleful has-been with drinks and dinner, claiming to be a dedicated fan, and finally entice them up to a hotel room, where a squalid and disappointing sex act must take place.

After pillow talk consisting of the former celebrity whining on and on about how their life's gone down the toilet, they're not allowed to see their kids any more and they're up to a bottle of vodka a day, alone at home, their companion explains what has happened and presents them with an outsized T-shirt saying "I got pity-fucked", before kicking them out of the hotel onto the streets.

15:20 / 21.09.03

GROWING PAINS
In possibly the most expensive TV production ever conceived a contestant is drugged and then transported to a miniature replica of their home town, accurate in every detail down to tiny robots of the entire population including their friends and family, thus leading them to believe they grew to giant size in the night. They have a chance to win 20 million pounds provided they use their powers to help the tiny townsfolk by weeing on fires and deflecting plummeting meteorites, and not just go on a huge Godzilla style rampage punching buildings to smithereens and stomping on their enemies. Either way it's a ratings grabber.