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I have Cheese......

pointless and uncalled for

18:33 / 14.08.03

.......and I'm not afraid to use it.

Today I was twice evacuated from my lofty perch in a government owned tower due to "suspicious packages".

For those unaware of the terminology a suspicious package means one of two things a suspected bomb or a suspected package of anthrax. They don't evacute for anthrax btw, they quarantine for that stuff.

So lucky for me, I got to sit in a park in the sun for an hour and a half and get paid for the pleasure (in case your wondering where your tax goes these days).

At the end of the day an e-mail was sent around to advise that a number of offices for a particular government department received similar "suspect packages" which later turned out to be plain white envelopes containing lenghts of copper wire and slices of either processed cheese or marzipan in an effort to simulate plastic explosives.

So remeber kids, next time you want to fuck shit up, don't go looking for the anarchists cookbook, I hear somerfields.com does free delivery.

18:43 / 14.08.03

By far the best thing about that is the fact that they used slices of marzipan and processed cheese.

I will lay them low... with a Kraft slice! I will overthrow the oppressor... with an almond-based sweetmeat!

Someone should dig out the pemmican and really FUCK SHIT UP.

pointless and uncalled for

18:44 / 14.08.03

Fuck no, not the pemmican.........

Spyder Todd 2008

22:28 / 15.08.03

Wait, what type of cheese was it? Cause it makes a difference.

23:59 / 15.08.03

...It undoubtedly does. Remember kids: Cheese breeds cancer.

02:15 / 16.08.03

I thought that was yellow dye #9.

12:17 / 16.08.03

about a week ago there was a suspicious package found outside of my building - they shut down that part of the street and ex..im? ploded the thing. I didn't see it, but I definitely heard it. the hot dog man who works directly across from where it was found swears it was just some guy's bag left by accident.

at work they're closing down one of the stairwells to xray the area. this intrigues me far more than it should.

13:04 / 16.08.03

generally suspect packages thought to be explosives are destroyed using other explosives - so just cos you hear a bang doesn't mean it still isn't a lump of cheddar.

A

15:48 / 16.08.03

Remember, kids- when you buy cheese, you're supporting terrorists.

18:27 / 16.08.03

What i'd give for some cheese that wasnt feta....

20:12 / 16.08.03

How my little heart quickens to see gingerbop in our undeserving midst again!

And careful hygiene, with foreskin retracted, will deal with the cheese problem.

gotham island fae

21:57 / 16.08.03

Ah, to be uncircumsized and clean...

And Munster (sp) is sweet...

mmm...

Cheese. CHEEEEEZE! cheese.

I have no cheese. Nor a foreskin.

I feel poor and wee.

Sigh.

03:15 / 17.08.03

whereas I have Stilton with Apricots in the fridge, my very own foreskin, and am about to stagger drunkenly to bed after a tour of London's seediest fetish clubs in my new rubber gear. Better than this is does not get.

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

03:34 / 17.08.03

Talk of the cheese/foreskin scenario has reminded me of a story I read a few years ago, of a 30 year-old man who had just lost his virginity.

Apparently, shortly after popping his cherry he started to feel some extreme discomfort in the glans region, which carried on for a few days. Upon presenting his little fella to his doctor for investigatory examination, it was revealed that, lurking beneath his foreskin was a solid ring of calcified smegma!

This 30 year old man had NEVER IN HIS WHOLE LIFE RETRACTED HIS FORESKIN!

I shudder at the thought. Coulda produced a light-hearted, skylark-type jolly jape, though; with careful manipulation he could have removed it whole and popped it into a friend's packet of Polos. Hehe.

04:03 / 17.08.03

Well I think I almost lost my lunch at that one.... must learn the fact that Barbelith does not equal good mental visuals.
All good visuals are supplied in picture form by the posters.

There, that was a visual.
Is it not a gouda visual?

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

04:19 / 17.08.03

Ahem

10:38 / 17.08.03

Oh, sweet Christ. I actually feel ill now.

Dear god. I'm never coming back into this thread.

14:38 / 17.08.03

So much Barbelith cheese but not, IIRC, any that exploded.

21:35 / 17.08.03

I had my first authentic Philly cheesesteak last night.

I advise anyone going for this to avoid provolone and instead order whiz with. Provolone is only an approximation of real cheese anyway, and doesn't coat the entire meat-aggregate sufficiently. It just sits around it placidly. You want a generous dollop of liquid cheese substitute.

Besides, according to the tin, Cheez Whiz only has 2/3 of the fat of butter. So it's good for you!