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Is celibacy just a fancy name for commitment-phobia?

Hattie's Kitchen

14:09 / 14.08.03

At various points in my life, from the age of 19 onwards, I have been celibate for prolonged periods. I was celibate from 19 to 21, and in that year between 21 and 22, I was at it like the veritable bunny. Then I met the girl with whom I was to spend the next four years with, and after we broke up I went on another shag-fest for six months, before celibacy won me over again. This pattern has been repeated over the past four years - I will indulge myself for a few months before withdrawing back into celibate life.

I'm currently celibate again, after a few painful encounters, and I've come to the conclusion that it's my natural state...I certainly can't see myself living with anyone again, having become so used to living my life on my terms, but what is worrying me slightly is that I'm maybe using celibacy as an excuse not to get hurt again. I would love to meet someone, but I'm not interested in making the effort to meet them, if that makes sense...I don't think I'm confusing singledom with celibacy - I make a conscious choice not to take up the offers that come my way, I make a conscious choice not to indulge in the promiscuity that I revelled in before, I make a conscious choice to live alone and to be alone...

Celibacy can be freeing, it frees you from the worry of beginning and sustaining relationships, gives you time to focus your energies in other constructive ways. I won't deny that it can be very lonely at times, and when you get those urges, it's soooo damn distracting, and the other thing is that friends and family just can't seem to get their heads around it.

I think that I would be happy enough if I never met anyone and I was to spend the rest of my life on my ownsome, just as I would be happy enough if I did meet someone special...I dunno, I just wanted to know what everyone else's views on the subject were...

Tryphena Absent

14:23 / 14.08.03

I don't think that's odd at all. Personally I'm of the opinion that sex is majorly addictive. I worked out a couple of years ago that I should either have a lot or have none and that I couldn't handle anything in the middle because it was just boring and hell one night stands are selfish things, how dare the other person expect you to do anything for them (aah, yes you begin to see my problem). Celibacy is a very valid option if you have an addictive personality- sometimes you have to go cold turkey especially if all the decent Marlboro's in the world seems to have run out.

15:16 / 14.08.03

Interesting. I think I'd find it hard to deny myself anything for too long, but then I don't appear to have an addictive personality, if there is such a thing. I'm also enjoying being single and as you say living life on my own terms.

However, I still get hot to trot, and am a big flirt, which sometimes leads to the odd encounter. These adventures range from blissed out fabulousness to hell on toast.

But then, things are rather different for me now than they have been at any other point in my life. I'm off on my travels in under a month and I'm not entertaining the thought of starting a relationship. Hence I have no worrys about what sex may lead to.

I can't imagine living with anyone ever again. But this is only how I feel right now. Knowing what you need in the moment and feeling comfortable with that sounds like a pretty good way to be to me Hattie.

15:44 / 14.08.03

I think celibacy and commitment-phobia are two different things, Hattie. I've been celibate, promiscuous, in faithful relationships, whoring around in relationships, and it was all just what I needed to do at the time. It was messy, demoralising, and sometimes fun too. The most important thing was that none of it was wasted inasmuch as I learned from all my fuck ups.

Sometimes the celibate spells were deliberate, sometimes just me being too (a)pathetic to pull. Doesn't really matter which. It gave me breathing space and time to get a clearer focus on what I felt and what I wanted, without having to respond all the time to the needs of another.

In the long run, I doubt any of it mattered when the Fates intervened and I stumbled across my Grade A Top Ranking Life Partner. Still took me five months, even then, to decide to go for it. And I was a lot older then than you are now, just getting into my stride for yet another tour of heartless bastard city. All part of life's rich pageant.

Zero Gravitas™

17:00 / 14.08.03

In the long run, I doubt any of it mattered when the Fates intervened....

I reckon you've hit the proverbial nail on the head Xoc (the beauty of the binary world is that one escapes the embarrassment of attempting to pronounce tongue-twisting names).

But I digress.... I don't personally know anyone who has made an active decision to be celibate. I'd say celibacy merely happens when you don't encounter anyone who really *ahem* grabs you enough to want sex with them. And this would apply to those people who enjoy casual encounters and those who don't.

Besides, I reckon we're using the term celibacy rather loosely here (oh the possibility for punning....) for I'm assuming that, like myself, when going through periods of celibacy everyone still indulges in manual override, so to speak.

Hang on.... I've just looked it up and the dictionary definition of celibacy is "abstention from sexual intercourse" and sexual intercourse does not encompass masturbation...... !.... Oh! So that means... hell, all along I've been slightly awed and perturbed by the notion of Catholic priests, wondering how the hell they remained celibate. But meanwhile, back at the ranch, they've probably been masturbating furiously..... hah!

17:58 / 14.08.03

despite the dictionary definition, in my book celibacy means no masturbation, basically storing your sexual energies rather than releasing them into the external physical world.

It really is difficult fro me to see whether I just have a phobia of relationships, or whether it's intentional celibacy.
i do try to stay away from masturbation lately. I dont think theres intrinsically something wrong with it, but I am a very addictive personality, and sex in all forms I tend to abuse for distraction or as an escape from the "real" world. Which is not always healthy.

I have never bneen celibate for prolonged periods of time, I am starting to consider it though. At least for a start I am trying to really only indulge when the situation seems "right".

18:19 / 14.08.03

I hadn't interpreted celibacy to mean abstaining from all sexual expression, just not including anybody else in the process. Having consulted a few dictionaries, you may well be right about that definition, particularly as the word is usually associated with religious "purity".

I would not say I had ever been celibate by that definition. Sorry for any confusion. Abstaining entirely from all forms of sexual release seems a hugely unhealthy option to me. I think masturbation is a fine and worthy thing. That's why God gave us fingers and fantasies, supposing it was Her idea.

I can certainly see it's a valid option though, if you're capable of it, for all the same reasons I gave earlier. Your energies would presumably be refocused on matters unrelated to sex. I would, in that situation, probably focus all the time on sex instead of just most of the time.

Any problems I've encountered with sex have always been to do with involving others in the process though, so I say wank away. Good old Onan. What a fine thing to be remembered for, thousands of years later.

Zero Gravitas™

19:13 / 14.08.03

hmmmm.... there's the rub. Abstention, could mean pent up energies and endless thoughts of sex. But then the same could be said for those times when you have regular sex, you still think about it all the time! There's just no getting away from it. Man, 5 minutes into a boring meeting and my mind's already off into fantasy pornland. Sometimes I wonder if I'm only the person thinking of sex during a meeting or if everyone else around the boardroom table is also thinking of it! Haha..... what would you call that? Virtual orgy?

But that's off topic.

Zero Gravitas™

19:13 / 14.08.03

BTW, who be Onan?

19:29 / 14.08.03

Google is your friend.

Onan

Wikipedia is also your friend

20:32 / 14.08.03

Interesting scenario, Zero, and I'm prone to the same erotic musings when stuck in boring meetings. Sadly, I am seldom in the company of colleagues whose presumed simultaneous and private sexual imaginings would flick my switch.

There is that lanky, gawky new temp boy in one of the downstairs offices though. How can I engineer his attendance at a few routine meetings I wonder?

Zero Gravitas™

20:32 / 14.08.03

aye, but Google threw up only listings for generators.
But cheers for the Wikipedia link, that's pretty cool!

And since it's a large, yellow, almost-full moon out in RL tonight I'm going to shut down and do some lunar watching. Night night ¦-)

21:55 / 14.08.03

No, you're right. I was being an arse... actually, I myself vaguely thought Onan was a Pan-type god. I tell you this by way of making amends for being an arse. Has it worked?

Significant chunks of my life have been sex free, but I've never actively chosen to spend time celibate for celibacy's sake - the only thing that really stops me shagging around is my mental health crap (in this most recent instance, the fact that I haven't seen anyone socially for about seven months. Mmmhmm, that'll generally do it.), and the fact that I'm paranoid about disease. In the past I've really been a serial monogamist, but I plan to spend the next couple of years deliberately not getting into relationships, for a change. However, I certainly don't expect to spend them chastely.

Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes

22:25 / 14.08.03

Being a man, celibacy means that you if you can’t get any, you are a religious nut, or you have been working to hard (not a natural condition for anyone). From my perspective you equate sex with some sort of emotional exchange, and thus you may see sex as some sort of violation (if it does not correspond with what you desire). Celibacy is safety, especially if you have experienced sex as a passive experience and don’t like it. Maybe you see sex as something that happens to you as opposed to something you do!

Hattie's Kitchen

07:38 / 15.08.03

I don't see sex as something that happens to me, I generally take the lead in relationships and would describe myself as an active partner. I guess I'm one of those few women who can have sex just for the sake of sex, without any emotional attachment, but for the time being, it's not something I want to continue with - my choice to be celibate is motivated mainly by my wish to channel my energies into something more "constructive", for example, writing, painting, etc, without the distraction of maintaining a relationship as well. I guess that I've realised that the last few years have not been very healthy for me, getting into pointless relationships that cause pain to me and others, and to me it's a way of just taking time out and reassessing what I want - how long it will last, who knows?

For me personally, I think that celibacy is a wise choice at this time in my life.

foot long subbacultcha

09:00 / 15.08.03

I'm kinda confused with this idea of celibacy. Isn't celibacy a conscious decision not to have sex? That's not the same as not wanting a relationship is it? You can choose to not have a relationship, and therefore not get sex, but still want sex. That's not celibacy in my book. That's just avoiding relationships.

Hattie's Kitchen

09:13 / 15.08.03

My fault for not being clear enough - I use "relationship" as an umbrella word,including casual encounters as well...my last serious long term relationship was over four years ago, since then it's mostly been casual flings/one night stands...so it is a conscious decision to avoid sex on my part.

foot long subbacultcha

11:03 / 15.08.03

But in your case you're not actually avoiding a relationship, you're just not pursuing one? Or do you think that if you don't pursue, you won't get any, so not pursuing is pretty much the same as celibacy? Is this a common perception out there?

What I do see an awful lot is this conception that if someone is not constantly "on the pull" then that must mean that they're asexual. To contrast, there are plenty of people out there who never pursue relationships yet do always end up being picked up. Though some of these people could find that they'd be so much happier if they did some pursuing now and again.

Anyone else been in the same spot as Hattie?

Zero Gravitas™

11:20 / 15.08.03

if someone is not constantly "on the pull" then that must mean that they're asexual

Perhaps that depends on yourself, your age group and your social circle? I don't actively pursue anything and only very rarely respond to being pursued but I'm certainly not perceived as asexual by my friends and wider social circle.

aside : Cholister, clearly your 'arseness' went way over the top of my head... I actually thought you were being friendly in your helpfulness! But then, I'm not the overly-sensitive type

unheimlich manoeuvre

00:17 / 23.08.03

apparently millions are ignoring problems with libido.