BARBELITH underground
 

Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.


Random Writing Exercise: Brief encounter

 
 
Mr Messy
13:27 / 12.08.03
Post a short piece of writing using the above as a theme of sorts. Don't spend too long on it now, it's practice not a masterpiece. I'll post later today. And please, if you have something to say about what has been written here, then do give feedback.
 
 
autran
18:18 / 12.08.03
If you need a deadline, I suggest one week: 19aug2003.
 
 
Mr Messy
12:10 / 13.08.03
Warning - it's a bit rude.

“You can see my flat from here. See, just across the canal.” and he points out a large window in what looks like a converted warehouse.
“It’s just across the water, but you have to walk about a mile round the block to get there.”
I nod.
“So you gonna come back for dinner?”
We both know I’ll say yes. What surprises us is my lack of enthusiasm.
“You don’t have to you know. I won’t mind.”
This irritates me. He’s not playing the game. He’s giving me a way out.

We walk the mile. He wheels his bicycle. The building turns out to be an old brick factory. He guides me through the basement car park into the lift. Here I get nervous. I feel too enclosed. There’s a mirror at the back of the lift and I take notice of how I’m looking to avoid his gaze on me.

The flat is all sharp lines, exposed brick, oak doors and concrete ceiling. He’s got an eye for design, but the effect is cold. I move to the window and look out at the canal while he pours a drink.
“I enjoy cooking for another person” he tells me. “The food comes alive.”
I can’t begin to care.

The food is good though. He tells me that he was an obese child, and now he has a hang up about food. He is always worrying that people eat too much, especially partners. I help myself to seconds. He frowns and I’m suddenly struck by his deep brown eyes. He looks quite beautiful at this moment.

We’re on the leather sofa. “I like you” he says. I smile vaguely. He touches my leg.
“You know, at the gym, I got very excited when we were talking in the shower the other day”
“So did I” I offer. And it’s true. I was excited by him that day. That’s what led us here after all. Generally, if a man shows interest in me then I’ll perk up. But if I were to put a name to my feeling now, it would be something like dread. He asks me to come closer and I slide towards him. Our first kiss is tentative and I don’t enjoy it. We move to the bedroom.

In the dim light he looks old. His face is heavily lined. His teeth are large and untidy. Uncharitably I think of chimpanzees. I close my eyes and we kiss some more. His body also seems older. His belly which had looked flat and muscled now appears thin with a pathetic little sag.

He’s fucking me and it feels pretty good, but I know I’m not going to come like this. I knew we’d reach this point about two days ago. There’s nowhere for us to go anymore. No climax. I push him off me and turn him over.

When he comes it takes me about another 15 mins to get off. I’m trying to loose myself in fantasy but it’s a challenge. I can smell, taste and feel him still.

We’ve washed and now it’s too late for a bus.
“Go home if you’d like but I think it would be silly.” And with that remark I am prevented from leaving. I do not want to appear silly. He has somehow taken control again.

Next morning I wake up and he’s taken me in his mouth.
“I’m late” I tell him and struggle toward the shower.

His bathroom is as artful as the rest of the house. There are few toiletries around, just some Clinique, toothpaste, soap and a sorry little potion that promises renewed hair growth. I’m studying the shower gel bottle, aqua blue or something, when my nose starts to bleed. The blood comes fast and I mess up at least one of his towels.

“You seem uncomfortable this morning” he says as I’m leaving. “It’s always awkward the first time.” I hurry away without the kiss. The problem is that it’s not the first time. I’ve done this far too often.

There’s a decrepit café on the corner and I consider stopping for breakfast. I have an idea that nursing a coffee at the window would be a fairly romantic image, and I might yet salvage something from this adventure. But I’m going to be late and so I struggle underground to catch the train to work.
 
 
passer
04:50 / 16.08.03
Is this replacing the writing practice mail list started in the writing practice thread?
What are the guidelines for feedback?
Do we want a public discussion of the pieces or should comments be submitted via private messages? Are there any guidelines for feedback?
And how long is short? 500? 1000? 1500?

Or to summarize, how does this work exactly?
 
 
autran
07:01 / 16.08.03
> Is this replacing the writing practice mail list started in the
> writing practice thread?
Yes, it wasn't getting much action.

> What are the guidelines for feedback?
No guidelines, I suppose.

> Do we want a public discussion of the pieces or should comments be
> submitted via private messages? Are there any guidelines for
> feedback?
At the discretion of the feeder back.

> And how long is short? 500? 1000? 1500?
I'd say 500

The idea is to start a new thread, with a new prompt, every week.
 
 
autran
22:36 / 19.08.03
Sorry this a bit past the deadline.

I've tried for something chambara-style.

Please feedback by PM or thread as you wish.

Brief Encounter by autran

Lord Hirosaki knelt on the floor of his receiving room watching his eldest son's back as the young man stormed out of the clan residence. With a flick of his wrist Lord Hirosaki rang the tiny bell he kept concealed in the sleeve of his kimono.
Paper screens slid open to his left and Lord Hirosaki's closest retainer and closest servant enterred.
"My writing desk," he said, his eyes still looking in the direction that his son had taken. His servant bowed quickly and left.
After a gesture from Lord Hirosaki his retainer crossed the room and knelt to his right. The two men sat in silence until the servant returned accompanied by two boys carrying a writing desk between them. The boys put the desk on the floor in front of the clan lord and left. The servant knelt opposite and busied himself readying the brushes and ink.
The retainer spoke. "Young master Itaro seemed angry, my lord. I take it you did not approve his intended marriage?"
"My son does not know the girl's background," replied Lord Hirosaki. "It makes her quite unsuitable."
"Will you tell the young master her background, my lord?"
"Unfortunately that is impossible. I could only tell him that he must have the approval of his aunt in Tambu."
"Surely she will allow him to marry whoever he wishes?"
"I suppose so, but she will insist on him bringing the girl to her."
During the conversation the servant had finished his preparation and sat back.
"What a situation for a father," Lord Hirosaki exclaimed. "I must turn to poetry for solace." He picked up a brush and contemplated for a moment. Inspiration struck and he dipped the brush in black paint and wrote:

Wet with her man's tears
She lies on the Tambu road
A brief encounter

Reading the poem, the retainer bowed his head to hide his face from his master.
"My haiku is so poor I have to pay for an audience," the clan head sighed reaching into his sleeve. He withdrew his hand and placed a small pile of gold coins in the centre of the poem. Then he folded and tied the paper around the gold to form a compact, heavy packet.
"Please send it to my usual reviewer." Lord Hirosaki passed the packet to his servant, who bowed and left the room.
"You seem troubled," Lord Hirosaki said to his retainer, whose head was still bowed. "You are displeased with me?"
"No no, my lord," the retainer hastily denied any such impertinence. "It's only that I am shocked at the harshness of it all."
"The girl's background makes such harshness necessary. We will speak more of it later."

Three days later, at dusk, the paper with the haiku was being digested in the stomach of a clanless ninja. The ninja, Yoshi by name, ignored the pain of indigestion in his stomach in the same way that he ignored the pain of fatigue in his limbs as he ascended, vertically, the outside corner of a wayside inn on the Tambu road. He had a set of tiger-claw hooks laced to each hand. Upon reaching the roof, which was over the second storey, he pivotted his body so that his legs pointed towards the peak of the roof.
Once he was settled, Yoshi unlaced the tiger-claws from his left hand and hung them from his belt. Using just his left thumb he opened a tiny gap in the inn's shutters so that he could look down on the corridor within. Then he waited, confident that nobody would spot him, a black shape against the dark wood of the roof at night.

After a while a woman emerged from one of the rooms on the upper storey. Yoshi waited for her to walk past then flipped the shutter open with his thumb and dropped through the gap. He landed behind her with his right hand raised. Yoshi was poised to deliver the death strike with his tiger claw when something happened.
Startled, the woman had turned to face him, but she had no face. Above the neck her whole head was as featureless as a paper lantern. Yoshi was sure he had seen at least a nose and hair as he was watching through the shutter and for a moment could not comprehend what had happened.
In that moment the woman drew a dagger from the folds of her modest night attire and struck. Yoshi's reflexes saved him: his left arm, almost on its own, lifted to block the knife's slash. At the same time his right foot stepped forwards and his right hand lashed at his attacker, but he struck only air as the woman shuffled backwards.
In the next moment Yoshi became aware of two things. Firstly, that the thousand-power chain he had had wrapped around his left arm had protected him from the dagger blow but had been dislodged from its fastenings. Secondly, that the faceless woman in front of him was turning to run away; he could not allow her to escape. In response to these observations he lowered his left arm, catching the weight on the end of the chain in the palm of his left hand and counted two heartbeats as he caught a few coils of the chain on the fingers. With his eyes fixed on the featureless head of the woman, who had now turned to flee, he deflty rotated his left thumb to form a noose in the thousand-power chain.
Just as she was two paces from a corner in the corridor, and safety, he hurled the noose. For a moment his heightened combat senses allowed Yoshi a vision of a helix of metal links in mid-air with its axis pointed straight at the woman's head. Then the noose hit and tightened around her neck as he had intended.
Yoshi sank his weight and passed his right hand in front of hinself so that it caught on the chain. Braced against his weight, the chain transferred the running momentum of the woman's slim body to her beautiful slender neck, breaking it. Yoshi had a brief glimpse of her feet flicking upwards, carried by the impetus, before her whole body landed limply on the floor.
Making rapid hand passes as he moved forwards Yoshi maintained the tension in the chain as he wrapped it around his left forearm and at the same time approached the woman's body. Soon somebody would come to see about the noise of their brief struggle.
For a moment he looked at the blank head of the woman. Satisfied that it was not a trick, but some kind of supernatural manifestation, he dropped his right knee and delivered a mighty whirling slash with the tiger-claws on his right hand. Next moment he straightened his knee and jumped to the ceiling, then somersaulted out of a shutter.

"You see she was a monster, a mujina with no face of her own," explained Lord Hirosaki to his retainer late one night as they sat by the fire. "She could have taken any woman's face and would have had absolute control over my son, and hence the clan quite soon."
"Don't say quite soon my lord," said the retainer. "I'm sure you will live for many years yet."
"Perhaps the flames think they live for many years." Lord Hirosaki smiled as he threw a piece of paper on the fire. The message on the paper was visible only for a moment before it was consumed.

Nothing is told by
A face the tiger has stroked
Secrets can die too
 
 
Jack Denfeld
08:22 / 16.03.04
Superman and Captain America see each other from across the ballroom. They start walking towards each other and meet in the middle of the room.

"Why, hello there Captain America. I didn't know you be at this party." Superman says in a true american hero kinda way.

"I wasn't going to come, but then I felt like dancing a little." replies Captain America.

Superman smiles and says, "Hey buddy, I've got a grand idea! Let's be best friends!".

Captain America returns Superman's smile and says, "Superman, I think that's a wonderful idea! From this day on we will be best friends!".

-The End
 
  
Add Your Reply