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Me am miserable

 
  

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Cop Killer
05:43 / 10.08.03
I was going out with this girl, Sarah, for about a year and a half; we were madly in love with each other, never any badness of any sort in the relationship. She was a lovely person, borderline bubbly; always happy and filled with life; there wasn't a bad thought in my head when I saw her smile. Then, about two weeks ago her car got hit on the driver's side, by a semi truck. She spent the better part of the week in a coma, then her brain started dying. They (the people that work at the hospital, doctors and nurses and the like) ran a battery of tests on her and she failed every single one of them, including one that measured the blood flow to her brain, which meant that she was getting to blood to her brain, which meant that she was brain dead. They did one test the next day, to make it official that she was brain dead (they can't just go around willy nilly calling people brain dead, it's just not good practice); she failed that test (or passed it, I'm not sure), she was officially brain dead. That night they brought her down for surgery to remove her organs, as she wanted to be an organ donor, which is totally fucking cool, and offers some small consolation, sometimes.
Walking into her wake was something that almost did me in. It's so fucking wierd to see this girl that I loved for the past year and a half lying there in a coffin, not as a joke or anything, for the real deal. I also got to be one of the pall bearers; her ex-boyfriend was one also, and he kept cutting in front of me to be in the front for some reason. I was pissed off at him for a while, because it just seems like a classless thing to do; I mean, I loved her more than anything and she loved me more than anything and she always thought he was kind of a pud, but I got over that because of the knowledge that she did love me the best.
I keep seeing things that I know that she would love and want to call her and tell her about it, or I'll pick something up to save and show her, but then that realization that she's gone and never coming back hits me and I can't move for about a minute, just stand there and contemplate. I have a shrine for her; she actually built it a couple of months ago while I was taking a shower (she went into my room and found all the stuff that she had bought for me and put it on an empty shelf above my bed because she felt that I should have a shrine to her -- which is, like, the cutest thing ever), it keeps getting bigger and bigger because everything reminds me of her.
I'm operating at about 60% now, which doesn't bother me too much, because "Sixty percent Kent" has a certain ring to it; not to say that I wouldn't like the other 40% that was ripped cruelly away from me. And I can't listen to G'n'R ballads or Johnny Cash without bursting into tears. It sucks, I hate it.
 
 
aus
06:26 / 10.08.03
Wow. No wonder you're miserable.

OK, I volunteer to be the first other member of Barbelith to feel sorry for you. I hope that at least makes you feel a tiny bit better.
 
 
Cop Killer
06:31 / 10.08.03
Eh, sympathy helps, it's nice to know people care, or something.
 
 
Cherry Bomb
07:53 / 10.08.03
Oh my god, how horrible. I am so sorry to hear about this. I really don't know what to say but have a virtual hug.
 
 
Bill Posters
08:44 / 10.08.03
sorry, dude. (and we're always gonna be here to listen, 24-7, we never close stylee, ya?)
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
09:21 / 10.08.03
That's really terrible, man. Of course you can have my sympathy. Just hang on in there, yeah?
 
 
sleazenation
09:33 / 10.08.03
Hey, man - there is nothing much of use i can say. But hang in there - don't stop.
 
 
Forced into this conversation
10:13 / 10.08.03
that´s just godamn terrible. i feel so sorry for you. keep your head up though.
 
 
rizla mission
10:29 / 10.08.03
seems almost redundant being the 8th post in a row or something to say the same thing but -

Shit, Copkiller! That's so absolutely terrible, horrible.. good luck.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
11:07 / 10.08.03
Oh, my God. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to have happen.

MCxx
 
 
Ganesh
11:09 / 10.08.03
Small consolation it may be, Cop Killer, but in choosing to donate her organs after death, she did a good good thing, and many people's lives will be improved as a result.

Wishing you the best.
 
 
that
11:10 / 10.08.03
God, that's utterly awful. I'm so sorry, CK.
 
 
A
11:12 / 10.08.03
That's awful. My heart goes out to you.
 
 
gertrude
11:43 / 10.08.03
It's hard babe and it's gonna take a long time, but it'll be ok. You never get over someone you love dying, you'll not forget her smile, the things you did together, the funny times, the tender times but that's what love & death is all about isn't it? When you're the one left, the hollowness can be all encompassing but it eventually does pass, I went through a similar experience and masked a lot of my grief with partying to avoid reality - you know - we all get through shit whatever way we can ...but in the end it's good to just remember, hold on to the good stuff you shared and you'll start feeling more than 60% again. I suppose the best way to look at it is you guys had over a year of good times. Try & keep smiling & remembering. Big hugs x.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
12:00 / 10.08.03
Dear god. I'm so sorry, Cop Killer.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
12:25 / 10.08.03
That story breaks my heart, Cop Killer - my heart goes out to you. I hope you can get through this. It hurts for me just to imagine what you're going though, living though it must be excruciating. I'm so so so sorry.
 
 
Persephone
12:31 / 10.08.03
I'm so sorry, Cop Killer. Very much love to you.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
12:49 / 10.08.03
Good God, Copkiller, that's incredibly sad. You be as miserable as you need to be, you're entitled. The pain will get less, in time, but she'll always be with you. Take good care of yourself.
 
 
Shrug
13:30 / 10.08.03
I'm very sorry that this has happened, be strong.
 
 
Not Here Still
14:03 / 10.08.03
Sorry to hear about everything, son.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
15:16 / 10.08.03
God, that's so sad. Look after yourself, be as sad as you want.

Know this makes no sense now, but the pain *will* lessen/fade. The fact that you've shared something that amazing won't.

Take care

BiPx
 
 
uncle retrospective
15:18 / 10.08.03

Hugs man.
 
 
*
15:36 / 10.08.03
Ditto. Copkiller, you're a brave entity. I respect you for your courage to love in the face of pain, and for your willingness to share your experience with us. The love you've shared is part of what makes existence so precious, and though this is tragic, death is also a part of that many-faceted beauty. Grieve well, and dream well, and heal well.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
16:10 / 10.08.03
Fuck, man, I don't know what to say. My heart goes out to you.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:21 / 10.08.03
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
16:36 / 10.08.03
Cop Killer, that is a truly devastating thing to happen, and I think (as many others have said) that you should let yourself grieve as much as you need to. It's not the kind of thing you can get over in a few days. But take care of yourself while you do it. It is pretty amazing that you are able to talk about it at the moment, let alone be so even about it. I think you are a very brave chap.

But I am very, very sorry that it happened at all. Lots of sympathy, & courage.
 
 
Cop Killer
16:58 / 10.08.03
Yeah, I'm supposed to go see Iron Maiden and Motorhead tonight (Dio's playing too, but I don't really want to see that crap) and I don't even know if I really want to go, and I love Iron Maiden, and Motorhead is one of my favorite bands ever. I think a lot of it is that she was supposed to go with me, we had the plans and everything. She was going to see Dio though, because she loved Dio, for some reason that I've never been able to understand, she liked Motorhead okay, but not Maiden; mostly she would have gone to spend time with me, she did shit like that all the time, always sitting through bands she hated just to spend time with me. I mean, how fucking cool is that? I never got a chance to return that favor, but I don't really regret that too much, I kind of feel bad about it, but that seems a pretty minor thing. My mother keeps telling me that I'm far luckier than her family (who were all crazy in trying to get Sarah, my girlfriend, to conform, but as an individual, she did not, so her family always guilt tripped her and made her feel bad about who she was and how she looked) in that I have no regrets about our relationship; I always tried to make her feel proud of who she was and how she looked and what she did, because I was, and I thought she was just totally fucking awesome.
 
 
Lilly Nowhere Late
17:08 / 10.08.03
Been there darling X 2.
Time.
Love.
Memories.
Rituals.
New love.

all best to you...
 
 
Dances with Gophers
19:14 / 10.08.03
Deepest sympathies
 
 
Baz Auckland
22:23 / 10.08.03
Best of luck, cop killer. Sorry to hear.
 
 
Unencumbered
06:24 / 11.08.03
That's just terrible. It's not much to offer, but you have my sympathy.
 
 
illmatic
07:58 / 11.08.03
Christ, CK, that's fucking awful. Be as sad as you have to be. All the best.
 
 
pomegranate
13:18 / 11.08.03
ck, yr story brought tears to my eyes. i am so very sorry. my heart goes out to you. it sounds so trite, but time does heal. good luck to you.
 
 
Hieronymus
14:37 / 11.08.03
Damn Killer. That absolutely broke me to read that, mate. All I can say is that whatever beneficial karma I have gathered, I wish I could hand it all to you right now.
 
 
bitchiekittie
14:59 / 11.08.03
I'm really sorry you have to go through this, and I hope you and her family and friends get through it all ok. don't forget to take good care of yourself, man. much internety love to you
 
  

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