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News: Bishop 'not gay'

 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
11:22 / 06.08.03
From the Episcopal Sun Times:

Bishop is 'only heterosexual in Anglican Communion'

Vermont, Wednesday. Bishop Ed Robinson, the recently elected Bishop of New Herefordshire, is in fact the only member of the Anglican Church anywhere in the world who is not tacitly acknowledged as gay.

The news has caused considerable consternation among the congregation, who thought they were electing a conventionally homosexual bishop.

"It's very disturbing," said Sister Mary Agnes of the Convent of St. Catharine and St. Joan in Matahuxee, Illinois, "because clearly it raises moral issues. We've always been comfortable with our spiritual superiors being men because, since they were all gay, there could never be any problems of misconduct with the novices. Now all that's gone out the window, we'll probably have to put locks on the cell doors in case he runs amok."

Supporters of Bishop Robinson decried her stance as prejudiced. "Just because he's not gay," said Father Michael Keneally of Loomis, Michigan, "that doesn't mean he's some kind of sexual dynamo who's going to rush around putting his hands where they're not wanted."

But conservative clergy and laiety from around the world expressed their dismay. "This man is part of a culture of permissive sexual relations and perversion expressly forbidden in scripture," asserted Bishop Paul Babatunde of Nigeria. "These people habitually engage in sexual relations without the sacrament of marriage or even the intention to form a loving relationship. The whole heterosexual culture is rife with violence, promiscuity, and Sin. I can't think of anything more likely to sunder the Church."

"Any man who has truck with women will eventually fall into the way of Sin," said Dr. Nguen O'Hearn of the High Anglican Mission. "Women are a test of our resolve. Christ surrounded himself with men, and he loved only these men. At no time in the Bible does Christ throw himself into the arms of a woman and copulate with her. He espoused the company of men, and his Earthly successors should do the same. Men should eat of each other's bodies, as it is written. Anything else is frankly repellent."

Bishop Robinson had this to say: "I don't really understand the fuss this has caused. The Church's obsession with sex has always been a bit of a mystery to me. I do what I do, that's between me and God. I'd never force myself on anyone who didn't want me, and I'm in a committed, long term relationship. It seems very strange to me that anyone actually cares what my sexuality is. There are so many things which are frankly more important to the spiritual health of the world than who I'm stupping."

The debate continues.
 
 
Sax
11:35 / 06.08.03
From the Daily Maul

"Straight" Bishop prompts avalanche of outings

Hundreds of concerned parishioners across Britain have been blowing the whistle on suspected non-homosexual clergymen following the sensational revelations about Bishop Ed Robinson in the United States.

After the newly-elected Bishop of New Herefordshire was "outed" as heterosexual, dozens of members of the Anglican Church across the world are said to be "extremely nervous".

Women at one village church in the Home Counties have taken the step of boycotting the Sunday services. One mother of three, who refused to be named, said: "I don't want to be saying prayers with my eyes closed in full view of a blatantly non-gay vicar. I would feel like he was undressing me with his gaze."

The Shadow Minister for Clergy's Urges, Mr Ethelred Thrustharder, called for an immediate "het test" to be carried out on all serving priests and vicars.

He suggested showing photographs of naked ladies interspersed with classic Athena posters depicting muscle-bound men covered in oil and carrying tyres to members of the clergy to gauge their reactions.

A lecturer in Divinity at Newcastle City University, Dr Eric Allsop, said that there had been a massive over-reaction to the Ed Robinson story and said that there was a long history of non-gay clergy working covertly across the world.

He said: "If they do their jobs properly, does it really matter?"

*What do you think? Call the Daily Maul's voteline now. Calls cost no more than 10p.
 
 
Lionheart
12:29 / 06.08.03
See, normally I'd have something witty to say in response but this time I'm just laughing. And I can't stop laughing.
 
 
spidermonkey
12:48 / 06.08.03
Please, please, please set up a UK version of The Onion!
You are superb, do you mind if I forward them to my gay mates?
 
 
Tryphena Absent
12:58 / 06.08.03
This is a perversion. I think you're both sick and homosexuality is wrong. So very, very, wrong. Enjoy burning in whatever plain of hell you enter.
 
 
unheimlich manoeuvre
14:17 / 06.08.03
genius, absolute genius.
 
 
*
18:05 / 06.08.03
Anna-- surely you mean heterosexuality? I hope this is a typo because I find it shocking that you could condone such a blatantly immoral institution as heterosexuality while appearing to actually condemn the very institution Christianity was founded upon. The Bible says Christ loved John, not Mary Magdalene. That woman and man were togther in the Garden caused their fall. (I hesitate to say woman caused original sin because in this day and age it's not considered politically correct, but all true believers can look into their hearts and know the truth.) And apocryphal texts prove (as if there was ever any doubt!) that the marriage in Canaan was between two men. The truth is there has never been any scriptural support for heterosexuality, and supporters of Bishop Ed Robinson should be aware that they are advocating a radical departure from scripture the likes of which has not been seen since worship of the Golden Calf. This is tantamount to telling all their parishioners to go to Hell, quite literally.
 
 
Sax
10:22 / 07.08.03
From The Sunday Spurt

"Straight" priest gave me Ed then bashed my bishop

World exclusive!

The man who has become America's first straight bishop had rampant gay sex among the pews of his church, it was sensationaly claimed today.

Gay Garry Grebb says that supposedly heterosexual Ed Robinson gave him a tongue-lashing from the pulpit... then took him in hand for more religious instruction.

Garry, 34, said last night: "It was so good I thought he'd wrung me dry... but that man certainly knows how to produce a second coming!"

The fork-lift truck driver from Idaho told how he met Robinson after moving to New Herefordshire three years ago.

He said: "Everyone told me he was straight but one look from him during mass told me otherwise. He asked me if I wanted to stay behind after the service for a drink and things just progressed from there.

"Whatever they're saying about this man in the papers and on the TV, I can tell you one hundred per cent that he's as bent as the nails in the One True Cross."

A spokesman for Mr Robinson immediately moved to refute the claims, saying that while the bishop had known Mr Grebb for a short time, there had been no relationship.

He said: "We appreciate that Mr Grebb might be saying these things with the best of intentions, but the fact is that Mr Robinson is indeed straight and nothing is going to change that. Perhaps Mr Grebb feels that this is in some way helping the bishop. It isn't."

Mr Grebb denied that he had made up the story in a misguided attempt to preserve Mr Robinson's reputation and protect him from further press attention.

He said: "Sure, I might think that it's disgusting to have a straight bishop in America, but I wouldn't just make up a story like that to help the Anglican church."
 
  
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