one of the things that magic has given me is the ability to look at events that occured in my past life and see how they have affected me over the years, and how seemingly trivial events that occured in the past would have huge ramifications later on.
For example: When I was in kindergarden my parents made me go to a private religious school instead of public (I had such a horrible time there they transferred me to a public shool for first grade... to this day I'm still bitter I was denied the chance to have a fun kindergarden). One thing I remember vividly was one of the nuns telling us about death and how everything eventually breaks down and dies. She showed us a picture of a brand new plane, and then one of an old, rusty, destroyed plane. She told us that one day we would all die, our parents would all die, and that we'd either go to heaven if we were good or hell if we were bad. I was only 5 at the time, and no one had ever told me about death. As you can imagine, it came as quite a shock to me. In fact, I actually started crying right in class, being the drama queen I am. Maybe it was the way she explained it, but I think I can trace my fear of death back to that one event 18 years or so ago... And of course my nun teacher was an absolute beast, which is probably why today I link organized religion with fascist authority structures. In fact, that one grade (not to mention 20 years of going to church and CCD) probably messed me up in a lot of ways, but I've gone over this in other threads.
Back to fear of death... This has been on my mind recently with the sickness of my grandfather, who is 89. I've never been close to the man, in fact I can't remember one conversation I've ever had with him (even my dad has no fond memories of him). In fact, the man is an ignorant quasi-racist. Years ago in the 70's he hurt his leg and, rather then have it fixed, chose to sit in a chair for the rest of his life, watching TV all day and eating, never reading books or keeping his mind sharp. Recently he became too much for my grandmother to handle so he was put in a home. He didn't take the change well. He never did adapt to change.
I saw him a few days ago, probably the last time I'll see him alive: He had lost a hundred pounds, was incontinent, he had the mental status of a baby, didn't recognize his own children by sight, didn't even know what year it was. He was verbally abusive, screamed, tried to hit the nurses who cared for him, even in his weakened state, and now he refuses to even eat. He won't live much longer. And all I can think about is, this is what I can look foward to in late life? Better to be dead. Granted, I try to keep myself mentally sharp and I am very well-read (while he was very illiterate) and not all old people end up that way, but to me it summed up all my fears of old age and death at once: It was like King Mob in Dulce seeing himself as a fat couch potatoe or something like that. I suppose the death of my cat a few months back adds to the fact that death has been heavily on my mind as of late. A fatalist train of thought: My computer is getting old and will soon have to be replaced, my old car recently died and a new one had to be purchased, I'm no longer in college and am now faced with an uncertain future... I guess the death of something is just the birth of something else (for example, after my old cat died we eventually got two new ones). So really, death shouldn't scare me... But then again, I'm not ready to leave this world yet.
Back to connections, however... This isn't related to things of the past but is rooted in the present. Over the last few months, my body has been feeling very weak: weird headaches, dizzy feelings, feelings of light-headedness, odd chest pains, weird aches, anxiety, etc. I went to the doctors recently and he said I was in perfect health for a man my age. And I know there's nothing wrong with my heart as 5 years ago I had a slew of tests on my heart to make sure it was really okay. So what can I attribute these odd pains to? Anxiety? Negative psychic forces? Emotional blockages? Basic Perinatal Matrixes? Who knows, I'm still trying to get all this shit figured out myself, though I fell alternative psychiatrity may be the best solution.
Where I'm going with this is that these feelings have seemingly become amplified ever since I've begun reading Grant Morrison's "The Filth". As silly as it sounds (and I've mentioned this before also) it seems that as Greg Feely's sanity becomes less and less rational in that series, so has mine in reality. As the series rushes to its conclusion I feel that either by mind or body is headed for some kind of transformation (good or bad I can't say yet). I feel that something huge is going to happen, but not knowing what, the anxiety is stressing me out. As I've said before, my beloved cat Rusty died a week after a cat was buried in The Filth #3... and Feely's cat Tony died a few issues after that. There are many more connections, which I won't go into here, as I've been over them before.
Likewise, a few months ago, I began reading Transmet, keeping up with the releases of the trade paperback editions. I identified with Spider Jerusalem, and now, after finishing "Dirge", I see taht he too is slowly getting sicker, with a weird brain disease... and for months now I've feared that I too may have a brain tumor. Still, I do have the last issue of Transmet so I now Spider gets out okay in the end.
Is it just a coincidence that I'm happening to be reading all these pop culture elements that show a concern with sickness in the human body, around the smae time that my obsession about my health has reached bizarre heights? I don't think so... Of course, The Filth is a healing inoculation of grime, and sometimes you do have to be sick to be healthy, so hopefully all this will amount to a positive transformation one day.
I suppose I should conclude these ramblings by returning to the original point of this topic, looking back at past events and seeing how they affect me now. For example (god, I say that a lot) my interest in cross-dressing: When I was a young boy I wrote stories about a male character named Hammerhead (based on the Star Wars Cantina alien) who, years later, I found out was named Momaw Nadon (hence the last name of my nick). Hammerhead was a male, as I said, but actually I thought it would be interesting if I revealed that he was actually a she... actually a female. Later on I got into legos (the toy) and I created a crime fighter named... I forget, but he was based after Batman and I made a huge lego batcave. However, when he went out to fight crime I usually had him dress up like a female lego character (maybe I should stop here as I don't want people to think I'm too messed up, or am I too late?) I didn't understand these thoughts andd actions at the time, but years later they're slowly starting to make sense to me. In Silence of the Lambs, my favorite scene was the one where the killer, Jame Gumb, put his penis between his legs to make himself look like a female butterfly. I always loved that scene, I thought he was so beautiful, though I doubt that was the reaction the director's wanted... I didn't see him as a freak, I saw him as sexy. And years after that when I joined my campus gay/straight alliance and we put on a drag show, I recall seeing all those beautiful drag queens and wishing I could be like them. And just last Fall, meeting Charles Anders in person, writer of the Lazy Crossdresser book, and being bowled over by how attractive, smart and funny he was, and thinking that if I would ever crossdress I'd be like that.
What's odd about all this is gnerally I don't like effeminate behaviour in gay men, but drag queens I've always had a soft spot for. Obviously, the smartest thing for me to do would try to crossdress myself, but considering the delicate situation at my home right now (revolving around my insane grandfather, obviouslY) not to mention lack of privacy (I live with my parents and 3 younger brothers) its hard for me to experiment much. But I look in the mirror and I'm not comfortable with what I see. I feel that there's a side of myself that needs exploring that I haven't explored yet (and I'm not saying I'd cross dress 24/7, I just feel its something I should explore). Perhaps these thwarted desires are the source of my frustration and anxiety. Like William S. Burroughs, I've always felt a disatisfaction with the human body, I guess, or at least my own. I need to open up and not be afraid to let my emotional side show to other people.
The reason I got into magic was related to the Invisibles. The reason I got into the Invisibles was because of Lord Fanny: I read a bit about the series, saw Lord Fanny's name mentioned, went to the Bomb website, saw Lord Fanny's picture in the character section, and knew I had to read the series. Which led me to the most mindfucking year of my life (and past that). In terms of health and my mental condition I've been a manic depressive as of late: some days I feel spiritually healthy and my body feels fine and my head feels clear, but other days I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of total madness, feel sick and dizzy and and weak strange, feel like there's no hope for me, the future, feellike a death is a minute away, etc. Still, I guess that's what makes life interesting and it does fuel my creative juices and inspire me as writer. Thank god I'm going on vacation to Montreal next week, hopefully that will help clear my head a bit.
This whole thing would make for a very amusing sitcom. I must read Robert Anton Wilson's "Cosmic Trigger" one day and maybe that too will help me come to a greater understanding. Once I can understand what's going on, maybe I can go about actually changing it. |
