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Barbelith Almighty

Whisky Priestess

07:58 / 04.07.03

Basewd on the execrable Jim Carrey film (I haven't seen it, I'm just making an educated guess) Bruce Almighty.

You are God for a day. What new Commandments do you make?

I'll start.

THOU SHALT NOT BE FORCED TO WORK IN A SWEATY OFFICE ON A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY!*

*PARTICULARLY IN THE UK WHERE WE SEE FEW ENOUGH OF THEM)

08:16 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt not use: "what? it's my opinion - you're entitled to your opinion and I'm entitled to mine, and that is my opinion, and you can't take it away from me" as the single ultimate logical conclusion when you have no other recourse in an argument.

08:53 / 04.07.03

Following Whisky:

EVEN WHEN YOU ARE IN SAID OFFICE THE AMOUNT OF PAPERWORK AND INVOICES WILL BE REDUCED TO A BARE MINIMUM AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO SPEND YOUR DAY READING AND WRITING ABOUT INTERESTING AND USEFUL THINGS

09:07 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt not procrastinate on Barbelith when thou are meant to be working on thy new book.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

09:36 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt not cry loudly, nor make such music as is unsoothing, when thy neighbour hath a mighty discomfort of the head owing to consumption of wine. Thou shalt instead remove thee to a place where such shall be welcome.

11:03 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt ROCK.

(somewhat predictably)

Whisky Priestess

12:31 / 04.07.03

Thou SHALT NOT sleep with thy CONTACT LENSES in.

Thou SHALT rejoice with great rejoicings upon the SABBATH, that is the FRI DAY, for that CHANNEL 4 will be good in your sight that night.

12:47 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt be excellent unto one another

Tryphena Absent

12:50 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt not cringe at the use of heathen psychobabble but rather nod and tiptoe away very quickly.

13:36 / 04.07.03

1)Thou shalt learn the meaning of the mystic words "NO SPOILERS!!!" and obey them yea even unto death.

Whenever someone mentions spoilers thou shalt not say "Oh yeah? Well Darth Vader was Lukes son". This joke is old and displeases god. (and he was his father not son, see how your god tests you??) And the same goeth for Rosebud.

2)Do not eat of the peace mango...it has other purposes than to sastify your hunger.

16:08 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt render unto Qalyn one tenth of all thy moneys and thy chattels.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

16:31 / 04.07.03

Thou shalt not wear black socks with sandals.

Thou shalt send me Ringaloes. Now.

16:55 / 04.07.03

Thou shallt not sit out of office/house, only to discover in thy evening that thou art burnt as fuck.

And thou shall eat fruity carte dor/soleros til they comes out thy ears.

10:37 / 05.07.03

Thou shalt not wear sportswear when not engaged in sporting activity; nor shalt thou wear jackets emblazoned with the heathen sigilae of Berghaus or Tog 24 when thou livest in the temperate clime of Newcastle, for verily they art designed to be worn in the coldest of climes, and not by your pathetic charva arse. Know thee that if thou choosest to wear these garments, then you are admitting that ye have not the slightest right to live, yea, even less than the common head louse, and will be smited, verily, by the Hounds of Hades. And yea! nor shalt thou wear Rockports for any reason, nor the pathetic faux-tartan of the upstart that is Burberry, for likewise these are the insignia of those who pretend to be something they art not, by which Your Lord meaneth that when thou weareth these garments, you are pretending that thou art not SCUM, when verily scum thou art. Instead, you will wear what it pleaseth only Your Lord for you to wear, by which Your Lord means bin bags, polystyrene sandals, and hats made out of sculpted dog-faeces. And if ye do this, then verily Your Lord will seek no more to fuck with you, for you shall be pleasing and amusing in his sight, and by this sign thou will know that thy Lord is a merciful God, and a loving God, and thou shalt be pleased above all things to bow down and make obeisance to him for the rest of your days, or at least until such time as he grows bored with your whining and kills you anyway, you fucks.

10:42 / 05.07.03

Thou shalt not suffer a slapper to live.

10:46 / 05.07.03

And yea, nor shalt thou design wanky flash advertisements to plaster upon thine internet sites, for then Your Lord will wax sorely pissed, and the pox will be upon you for threescore and twenty years, down unto thy children and thy children's children, and thy sperm shall be as acid anyway, and will burn the silk sheets onto which thou wankest, and thy cocaince shall be turned by the alchemy of God into mere talcum powder, and thy shalt snort it anyway, and look a fool in the eyes of your colleagues, and thy minimalist apartment will be as an abode for squatters, tramps, and thieves, and thou wilt be antagonised in the streets by buskers and mimes for the rest of thy days, and verily the oldest and most pure of nuns will name thee cuntsniff, and this will be looked upon by Your Lord, who will then kick your arse in the most sublime of ways, for yea, it is written, et cetera.

And if thou workest at Mute records, thou wilt stop shilly-shallying about and release those two new Diamanda Galas albums which Thy Lord has been waiting for in the patience of eternity for three months now, or thou shalt be taken away to a place unclean, and fucked with knives, and plagued with sores of the penis, until thy member resembles a creature from a Toho studios production, and tiny stormtroopers beset you for the rest of your days. YEA...