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Who has the best line for getting rid of telesales and door-to-door salesmen?

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08:18 / 11.06.03

The other day a man came to my door selling tea towels and dishcloths. We had the following conversation:

Him: 'Hello pet, I'm selling tea towels and dishcloths.'
Me: 'Erm, this isn't my house.'
Him: 'Oh, OK. Sorry love. Bye.'

And then he went away. Just like that. I wasn't forced to buy anything because I felt guilty and he didn't try to pursuade me I needed dishcloths of the finest quality only available here and now at this very moment for one day only. Clearly, 'This isn't my house' is an excellent 'get out' line.

So this thread is for quick and efficient ways to get rid of door-to-door salesmen, telesales people, marketing survey people who stop you in the street, political party canvassers and frustrating religious groups. How do you avoid these people, or do you perhaps actively encourage them, entering into stimulating and intellectual debate?

Give us your best 'get out' lines...

08:32 / 11.06.03

If they're religious, I politely claim to be a strict branch dividian.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

08:42 / 11.06.03

Oh, I was hoping you had my pills. I'm schizophrenic, you see.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

08:43 / 11.06.03

*Schizphrenia is not funny nor something to be mocked nor taken lightly*

Ok?

08:43 / 11.06.03

He was selling tea towels? I can see why the 'this isn't my house' line would work on double glazing salesmen. But tea towel salesmen? That's really weird.

I've opened the door semi-naked and smelling of sex, holding back a vicious (though small) dog, with my very obvious self-harm scars in full view...and still managed to get into a lengthy conversation trying to fend off Jehovah's Witnesses. Who wanted to know if the scars were caused by the dog. Jeez.

08:49 / 11.06.03

Usually just tell them that it's my parents house and nothing to do with me, seems to happen everytime I go back home usually when I'm trying to watch Jonathan Edwards...

9372584

08:54 / 11.06.03

Mu - is that a joke or a posting error?

I fend off door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses by saying "Sorry, this is a Jewish household." It has worked every time, much to the surprise of Mrs H.I.R who was once given a book called "Jews For Jesus" by a particularly zealous would-be convertor.

09:15 / 11.06.03

For telesales, just say "Oh hold on just a sec" and then go away and have a cup of tea. They'll hang up eventually and it costs them to call you, so you quickly get blacklisted as a bastard and they leave you alone.
Door to door, a firm No generally works, sometimes followed by closing the door if they keep blathering. If necessary sing at them until they leave, any bizarre behaviour trips their warning switch and they make their excuses and leave.

09:17 / 11.06.03

Friend of mine invited a salesman in and then went off down the pub, not sure how long the guy stayed though - maybe that's a bit too cruel

unheimlich manoeuvre

12:38 / 11.06.03

i always smile and nod cheerfully then subtly confess to being a devout scientologist.

Whisky Priestess

13:30 / 11.06.03

Learn the phrase "I am not interested. Please go away" in Finnish, and repeat it until they do so.

Or try some random Swedish:

"översättningar och omvandlingar från alla ord och valörer du klickar på. "

which means "translations and conversion for any word or value you click on"

Tryphena Absent

13:38 / 11.06.03

Years ago when my friend Gus was a young and foolish teenager he had a BB rifle that looked frighteningly like a different type of gun. The Jehovah's made the mistake of coming round when he was alone in the house, so he got out the rifle, stuck it halfway out the window and threatened to shoot them if they didn't get off his property. It sounds far fetched but it was terribly effective.

Personally I favour ignoring these people... or flirting with them, that can be a lot of fun, particularly with old men who work for the Lib Dems because you just know how dirty they are.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:00 / 11.06.03

Point and shriek at them as if you were one of the pod people from Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. This works best if you are a tall, thin man with a beard.

14:05 / 11.06.03

When I was a youngster that scene scared me more than anything else in the world, I remember watching it late on BBC2 and to be honest I don't think I've ever been the same since...

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:30 / 11.06.03

Me too. It made me literally jump off the sofa, change the channel, turn on all the lights I could find. I wonder if it was the same viewing...

pointless and uncalled for

14:57 / 11.06.03

I always change mine, just for the sake of entertainment and rarely ever use the same lines twice, unless some bastard calls me in the morning and I'm not ready for it. Other than that I switch between the tactics of insanity and fear.

Here are a few of my favourites.

Telesales:
There was the time where one caller received a long and screaming rant about how they worked for the Guatamalan Secret Service and they were trying to steal my gizzard to sell to aliens. I think the girl stayed on the phone out of interest more than anything else until I asked her name again. click.
Bizzare use of whatever they are selling will keep the majority at bay. asking if the carpet they wanted to sell was good for wrapping dead bodies is a classic as is using newspapers to catch mice.

Door to door:
I love the Jehovahs Witnesses. To the pathologiclly cruel like me they are some of the greatest entertainment you can get for free. The best place to start with them is by saying "Ahh, I've been expecting you". Then offer food or tea and seem very put out if they refuse.
As for sellers, there are no limits. Demanding they entire stock or near violent haggling guarantee a rapidly diminishing need of your time and or money.

For those of you who havn't the stomach to be cruel or verbally abusive, then the best thing to do with visitors is to slowly lean in close. For telesales, just leave long awkward pauses. A reasonable no will often suffice.

As for me, I like to be that occupational hazard.

15:06 / 11.06.03

From Robert Anton Wilson's site:

How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
-------------------------------------
Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).

Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.

Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

(Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

15:19 / 11.06.03

Pesky Religious types are a constant nuisance here in Lisburn, what with their stupid hats, 1950's dress code and fliers. Whenever they try to hand me one, I find it helpful to keep my hands in my pockets, glare at them and say "Fuck off." Being near six foot tall with a shaved head usually means I get no reply.

If they have to right to bother me, I have the right to tell them to fuck off.

15:32 / 11.06.03

If they're religious, I politely claim to be a strict branch dividian.

Important to note: the Branch Davidians aren't a religion made up by David Koresh - it's a pre-existing offshoot of the Seventh Day Adventists. They've got a lot of doctrine in common with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I don't get many door-to-door people, and can't be too mean to the JWs because they saved my life. (Besides which, my first D&D dungeon master was a JW - go figure.)

With the phone, the caller ID catches most "unavailables" (we just don't answer), but I also enjoy picking up the phone and talking in Chinese no matter who's there. If they're calling me up, they oughtta expect that. It's sort of a habit now.

I used to pretend to be a retarded 14 year old. Talking really slow, saying I'd have to wait for momma to come home and stuff. Problem was, I *still* got credit cards sent to me. Which is a little scary.

----

Strange story from the other side: in my youth, my family had a couple beehives in our (rather large) backyard. Once or twice, mom "encouraged" me to go door-to-door in our neighborhood, selling the honey. The only sale I remember was to a woman who came to the door half-dressed. There was no barking dog, no signs of self-cutting, but there was a man's voice in the background asking what was taking so long. I must've been about 13. That tableau lived in my fantasies for a good long time.

The Knights Templar Boogie Machine

15:44 / 11.06.03

The other month two jehovahs witnessess knocked on my door, i thought it was the gas board come to turn off my supply until i realised that strange sterile clothing they had on. I told them it was too early in the morning for philosophy and they actually left politely without even giving me a leaflet with bad illustrations!
Hmmm, gone it seems are the days of smart alec semantic, syllogistic, scientific ducking and diving, shame....

16:34 / 11.06.03

Sorry Grant, didn't mean to cause offence. It was just intended as a joke.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

17:21 / 11.06.03

Brian from Telesales: Hello, this is Brian from Hoopla Kitchens.

Me: Hi, Brian, good to hear from you. Is this call being recorded?

Brian: Yes, all our calls are recorded as a matter of course.

Me: Excellent. Please understand that I charge by the unit for all business calls to this number. The rate is one hundred pounds per hour, which includes my expenses.

Brian: Um...

Me: Can you give me your company's full name and address so I can invoice?

Brian: We're doing a special introductor offer on...

Me: That's great, before you go any further, can you just signify your company's assent to my rates?

Brian: Um...

Me: That's okay, we'll call this a freebie. The next time I hear from Hoopla, though, you'll have to pay like everyone else. Okay?

Brian: Okay...

Me: Goodbye now!

I'm really, really hoping they'll call back...

17:24 / 11.06.03

Sorry Grant, didn't mean to cause offence. It was just intended as a joke.

Oh, no offense taken at all - I was more warning you that that line might not *work* in discouraging some religious solicitors. Instead, you might find yerself facing all kinds of embarrassing questions....

17:34 / 11.06.03

The JVs loved me. Once an elderly couple came around the morning after a particularly nasty party, and while we talked my roommates would wander around behind me in their tightie-whities. They didn't even flinch. They made the mistake of saying "Why, just a few hundred years ago people believed that the world was flat! Haha!" Within the next half hour they had to admit that according to the Bible the world is indeed flat.

Then there's all the evangelists that are disgusted by my Odinist beliefs. "You have to die in battle? That doesn't sound very fair..."

Now I live in the Four Holes, where even the righteous fear to tread. I miss those golden days.

Dances with Gophers

17:34 / 11.06.03

"I don't give financial details out over the phone" usually works. If they persist ask for proof they are who they say they are.
Next time a religous group comes round I'll offer to ordain them into the church of Eris.

Last time the J.W came round was studying Philosophy of Religion and started asking questions about faith that they could not answer. Have not seen them since.

19:01 / 11.06.03

I've only been plagued by Jehovah's Witnesses once. I just opened the door, and let them do their little spiel. Throughout their sales pitch, I just wore this blank unfocused look, nodded my head where appropriate, and answered using monosyllabic words. Eventually I guess they got tired of me as they just handed me some of their literature and left. They didn't seem so bad, but I didn't much appreciate being woken up at 9:30 in the morning. Who in their right mind is up at that godawful hour banging on people's doors?

As for telemarketers, I'll pick up the phone and exchange pleasantries until they start their little spiel. Once they start going on about their wonderous new product, I just hang up. It's not worth the bother of telling them I'm not interested. Oh sure, they'll call back in a month, but I don't mind; it's nice to get phone calls.

Armed Services recruiters on the other hand are parasitic bastards and I hope every last damned one burns in hell. It took me three years to get the bastards to stop calling. How many times must I say I'm not interested? I'm not big on the whole blowing large holes in people thing. No, I don't care how much money I can make since I know you're full of shit. Don't lie to me about all the job prospects out there for people with military experience. There aren't any, otherwise I wouldn't constantly hear about all these recent retirees having difficulties finding work.

Screw it. I'm just going to start answering the phone with, "Hal's House of Whores, Hal speaking. How may I help you?"

19:47 / 11.06.03

is your name hal?

i think that would help.

i think the key with these types is to remember that with the current job market, with the exception of the doctors and firemen among us, they could be you.

thats not to say be nice to them, or unduly carpet like, but i do think you should be aware of it.

most of them are bored shitless, and they are looking for something, anything, to break the monotony of another day calling three hundred numbers, most of whom are going to be abusive.

to this end, if you have ever had a job that deals with the public, think back.

what did you talk about all lunch break? the nice guy who liked your voice, bought your pish and left quietly? or the crazy man with the eccentric theories about how credit card numbers are the key to your soul?

play games with people, they like it.

play games that are strange, twisted, will get them thinking and talking, and most importantly, worying that there is something out there they dont quite get.

the more unique to you the mind games you play are, the better.

naked and armed is good, though.
on the phone.
the trick is convincing them that you are, in fact, as you say, both of the above.

20:08 / 11.06.03

Pull a horrific gurn and say in a horrified manner "God no.... I think I've left the iron on the baby again.....sorry bye" and slam the door.

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

05:22 / 12.06.03

mormons and jehovah's witnesses always seem very polite and leave easily when I say I'm not interested. salesmen are much much worse. on the other hand I've gone door to door once (a nasty poor summer when I could not get a fucking job), trying to raise money for some leftist organization to oppose moving old people out of their trailer homes (so it at least seemed like a decent cause...) so I try to be nice. when that fucking newspaper-selling kid stuck his foot in my door as I tried to close it though...that was it.

best phone stuff:

"Hi, this is blah blah with the blah blah, how are you today?"
"Drunk." (this is about noon)
"Oh. Really." God did she sound disappointed.
"Yep!"
"Well, I can call back later..."
"Yeah, you should." click.

"Hi, this is blah blah blah..."
"Wow, that sounds really interesting, tell me morAAAAAGH MY GOD IT'S EATING MY LEG!" click.

"Hi, blah blah blah..."
My friend: "quick, give me the phone."
continues: "Now shut up and listen. There's only two kinds of people that call me...people that want to rub lotion on my cock; and people who have FRIENDS who want to rub lotion on my cock. Which kind are you?"
click

My other friend tried that: "I'm sorry, Mrs. Evey can't come to the phone...she's dead."
"Oh...oh, my god, I'm so sorry!"
"yeah, it just happened yesterday, we're kind of in a bad way right now."
"God, I'm so sorry! uh, goodbye!"
He hung up thinking he was clever. About a month later his mom was missing something she ordered and he had to call this company back and explain what a horrible thing he'd done to the poor salesman and his mother wasn't really dead and could they please send her order after all.

My Mom Thinks I'm Cool

05:26 / 12.06.03

oh yeah, forgot about the poor JVs who came to my house at about 10 AM and woke me up...I answered the door and there was a young guy and an old lady, very pleasant people. The old lady just looked at me and smiled. The guy seemed very flustered. "Uh...uh...we're here to talk about blah blah...but is this a bad time?"

"I did just get up, yeah. I work nights."
"Oh! Oh. Sorry. Uh, we didn't mean to, uhm, wake you up, we can come back..."

The old lady just looked at me and smiled.

After they left I went and looked at myself in the bathroom. No shirt. Hair wild. Pajama fly wide, wide open. Morning wood very visibly sticking my tidy-whities out of my fly.

That naughty old lady.

21:01 / 12.06.03

Look out over their shoulders.

Eyes grow wide.

Whispered panicing voice: "The devil!"

Slam door.

22:59 / 12.06.03

My favourite was spending five minutes...twice... explaining to a woman how a conservatory wouldn't help me much even with the Special Preference Discount because I lived on the second floor....

23:25 / 12.06.03

I used to live in Seven Sisters where there is no shortage of obscure churches. It wasn't so much the "knocking on the door at 10am" problem - though that did happen a few times, a scowl through the door and "no, I'm a committed atheist" did the trick - more the constant flyers with Are You Troubled By Evil Thoughts, Money Problems And Demonic Possession? Sister Whoever Can Help You! And you know, that's not a serious problem.

There were a few besuited American guys who used to hang around outside the tube station for reasons best known to themselves. They were extremely polite. I came back once, was approached and said "I'm sorry, I'd love to talk to you but I'm far too drunk right now", and the only response was "Okay, fair enough, I hope you had a good evening". No hellfire or anything.

23:28 / 12.06.03

Here's an example that I must have uploaded a while ago:

We're The Great Old Ones Now

06:42 / 13.06.03

It occurrs to me that being sick, barren and under constant satanic attacks would almost certainly lead to confusion and depression. But then again, you could probably get a doctor to sort out the sick and barren part, and coming under constant Satanic attack would likely focus the mind wonderfully - it might get rid of any confusion and depression, and make you feel purposeful and alert.

Whereas this poster confuses me...

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