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A serious situation and a call for advice.

  
 
Undecided
09:01 / 26.05.03
Okay (sigh...). It's a rambling, jumbled mess, but please bear with me.

This problem is obviously not just going to go away as I'd hoped it would, so I'm casting out and pleading for advice. If I don't figure out some way to do =something= about this, it's going to eat me up all over again.

Chronological order, then (note: I recognize and fully acknowledge that some poor choices were made throughout the course of this story and am in no way attempting to excuse said choices. Besides that, I know that the use of the world "girl" is somewhat frowned upon here, but I just generally tend to use "boys and girls" over "men and women". So no disrespect intended.). In late '97, I was at a going away party being thrown by one of my friends. Myself and another friend were going to soon be leaving for another state. So we decided to cut loose and have one last good time with our friends from home. The girlfriend of the friend I was to be moving away with brought a friend with her who I hadn't met before. There was a fairly instant mutual attraction. Eventually, we wound up locked in a bedroom together. We got mostly naked and she began to perform oral sex on me, but that was all that happened before my friend (whose house it was) came knocking on the door because he didn't want people locking themselves in his bedroom and doing god knew what (understandably).

We had both been drinking (the girl and I), but I, at least, was sober enough to be fully aware of the situation. I had, just a few months previously, ended a two year relationship with the girl that I'd lost my virginity with and, although I was more than happy to fool around, I wasn't prepared to have sex with just anyone at that point. It was really a big deal to me then. So I was alright with being interrupted at that point.

So this girl and I got dressed and went out to the party proper and chatted for most of the night. We talked a little about the possibility of having a relationship despite the fact that I was soon leaving for another state, but I told her that I was wary since that was the same situation I had been in with my previous girlfriend. We talked and talked and the party was winding down and she lay down in a recliner to go to sleep and I lay down on a beanbag next to her and kept trying to talk to her. She got increasingly annoyed with me (because I was being, admittedly, an annoying drunk) and eventually displayed a pretty distinct lack of interest in me (understandably) and went to sleep. So I rolled over and did the same.

The next morning, she acted annoyed and I sort of kept my distance. The friend with whom I was moving suggested that the four of us (he and I and his girlfriend and the girl I'd met the night before) go out for brunch. Which we did. The girl from the night before showed little interest in me and didn't say much of anything. So I figured that she wasn't interested and I let the issue lie. And that was that, I figured.

So my friend and I moved away and I moved back six months later because I wasn't terribly thrilled with where we had moved after all. And I got back into my life at home. I went to a friend's party one night and a big gorrilla of a guy head-butted me unprovokedly. I figured that he was just some drunk jerk and, since I'm a pretty small guy, that I looked like an easy target. It wasn't until sometime after that party that I discovered that the gorrilla was the new boyfriend of the girl that I'd fooled around with at the going away party. All of which was very mysterious. I figured, though, at the very least that the girl in question was upset with me for some reason about that night and had sicced her boyfriend on me. Which made me fairly dead-set about never talking to that girl again (who I was beginning to see around town from time to time). Again, I figured (and hoped) that that was that.

Fast forward to the fall of 2000, almost exactly three years after the going away party. A female friend and I were becoming more obviously attracted to one another. One night she went home with me and spent the night. As I was walking her back home the next morning, her boyfriend (yes, yes...I know) pulled up quickly alongside us in his car and told us that there was a warrant out for my arrest. The girl-friend in question still lived with her mother (yes, she was of legal age) and, when she didn't come home or call the night before (which, admittedly, she probably should have), the mother called one of her daughter's friends (a real strung-out druggy who I knew of). The druggy girl told the mother that I had raped two of her friends and that her daughter had probably already been raped at that point, which of course led to police being called and frantic searching. So my girl-friend (who did actually become my girlfriend) went home to clear the air.

But I was a mess. I knew that the druggy girl was an unreliable source at best, but I was terribly concerned that anyone could seriously believe that I had raped anyone. Anyone who's ever known me at all can probably throw out a hundred and one unsavory characteristics that I possess, but I'm positive that any one of them, if asked, would deny that I have it in me to be a rapist or to in any way force myself on anyone for any reason. It's just not me. I'm passive and easygoing and rape (and other aggressive and blatantly disrespectful acts) is repulsive to me and completely antithetical to my character. I may be a lot of other things, but I'm no rapist.

But the accusation hit me really hard. I tried to maintain a relationship with my new girlfriend, but I was a basket case and was becoming increasingly agoraphobic and we only lasted about six months before she'd had enough. In time, I reasoned that it was possible that the druggy girl had simply made up the accusations for whatever reason and that I should get on with my life. Which I tried to do, but I could never shake the feeling that everyone in town had heard that I was a rapist and was judging me accordingly. So for that and a myriad of other reasons, I left town again.

I moved from my old town to my current town almost two years ago and have lived peacefully and happily here in my new town since my arrival. I met a fantastic new girl about four months ago and we've spent the majority of the time since with one another. This weekend, we came back to my old town for my grandfather's birthday and a big Memorial Day family get-together thing. Last night, I was hanging out at my brother's house and my girlfriend and I decided to see if we could get some carryout beer at a bar I used to frequent. And this begins the story that prompted me to write all of this.

It should be noted first that I hadn't been out and around in my old town on a social level in the two years since I'd left. As we were leaving the bar, a group of people walked out behind us and yelled to my girlfriend that she was with a rapist. The group approached us and some guy I'd never seen before got in my face and proceeded to tell me essentially the same story that the druggy girl had told: that I'd raped two of his friends. So I called him on it, calmly, and asked him who I had supposedly raped. He reacted with disbelief (as I suppose I might, too, if I were in a similar situation with someone who I thought had raped someone I knew) and told me the name of one girl. Her name is fairly unique and my old town is fairly small, so I'm fairly certain of who he spoke. Unfortunately for the veracity of his story, I'd only known her on a friend of a friend basis some seven years prior and had never been in any situation with her when I could have possibly raped her. Shortly after this, a girl in the group approached me and announced that I'd raped her, as well. I realized that it was the girl from the going away party only just before she punched me in the face and the cops arrived. They asked if I wanted to press charges. I declined and my girlfriend and I left.

Which leads me to now, unable to sleep and obsessing all over again about the situation which has just become fully apparent. On the plus side, my girlfriend is standing by me. She's a smart girl and has worked at rape crisis centers and battered women's shelters. She knows the type and knows me well enough to know that I could never do what I'm being accused of. All of the events above which once seemed so mysterious and random are suddenly clear to me. I want to know what I can do about all of this, if anything. I want to sit down and talk to the girls who are accusing me of rape, to try and figure out why they are doing so.

I, like many, am usually more quick to believe the accuser of a rape than the accused. Knowing what I do leaves me feeling wholly frustrated and hollowed out. The possibility exists that this rumor has run rampant through my old town, which is only two hours away from my new one. I don't feel like I can safely turn my back on anyone at the moment.

And still my mind turns to the accusers. Do they honestly believe that their accusations are true? Why didn't they go to the hospital and press charges after I had supposedly raped them (the obvious answer being that it would have immediately alleviated me of all guilt, which is why I really wish they had done so)? Is this some kind of revenge for something else (it occurred to me this evening that I had =always= seen the two together around town in the years before I'd left town, which seems somewhat strange in light of everything)? Mostly, I just feel awful that anyone would sincerely feel that I had wronged them as horribly as what these two are accusing me of. I want to straighten things out, to set things right if there's any way to do so. God knows I'm quick to admit when I've done wrong and to repent when it's warranted, but I've never felt as horrible about anything I've done as I do about this thing that I =haven't= done. I need some way to get rid of this awful feeling and it seems like the only way to really do this is through those people who claim that I have wronged them. I just don't know if it's at all feasible or in any way a good idea to attempt any communication with them or to take this any further than it's already gone. It only seems like it'll get worse on all sides before it gets better, though.

Please. Any advice that anyone has, no matter how small, would be graciously appreciated. My immediate reaction is to retreat into agoraphobia again, but I really don't want to lose the fanastic girl I'm with now.
 
 
Cat Chant
10:42 / 26.05.03
Very small advice. Not really advice, in fact, just a perspective, which is that in some ways the word 'rape' is one of the most unhelpful words in current usage, since it simultaneously has the weight of "worst thing anyone could ever do" and covers a very wide, fuzzy, and subjective range of experiences.

I think one thing you need to do is work out what outcome you want, and what you can realistically do about that. Do you want to clear your name? To understand what's going in the accusers' heads? To get rid of the feelings this is stirring up in you? If the last one, I think you have to do that on your own, maybe with counselling or whatever. You sound like you think the accusation has made you guilty of something. You know best what you've done and what you haven't, and you have to sort out what you can change in this situation - that is, how you feel and, if possible, what is being said about you - and what you can't - that is, the past and whatever is going on in your accusers' heads. What you can't get is absolution, punishment, or vindication from telling your side of the story to people here who don't know the situation.

Not much help, I know.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
15:57 / 26.05.03
This is very serious indeed. I don't really know what to suggest... perhaps you could take legal advice? If what you say is true then these people are perpetrating a particularly unpleasant slander against you. I'm guessing (possibly erroneously) that you're in the States; do you have citizens' advice bureaux over there?
 
 
moriarty
19:28 / 26.05.03
One day a good friend of mine came around to ask me if I wanted to join a posse he was throwing together to find a "rapist". A friend of a friend had accused this guy of rape. Not knowing the person making the accusation, or the accused, I didn't want any part of it. A week later the friend of a friend called off the dogs and got back together with her boyfriend, the accused. She admitted that she had lied to get back at her boyfriend because she was mad at him. Now those guys who were ready to dish out a shitkicking will probably turn away from any real cries for help. Very little pisses me off more.

Sorry for going all off-topic on you. It seems as if you don't really care so much for retribution, or financial restitution. However, if you are interested in these things, do as Mordant says and seek legal advice. Even if you aren't interested, seek legal advice anyway. Barring any actual, real legal advice you do get, the next time an incident happens, take down as much information about the situation as possible, including place, time, people involved, and pictures of any injuries. Don't approach the accusers by yourself, or preferably, at all.

It doesn't sound like any investigation was made against you, but you should check with the police to make sure anyway (again, after getting legal advice). To be honest, your name is probably already clear with the law, but you may never be able to completely banish the rumours. Whether any official accusations had been made or if it's slander, I would look into options for punishing the people responsible (through the courts, of course). I realize that this might sound harsh and may not be the best option for you personally (and I second counselling), but it would be a damn shame if the people who have done this to you ever did it again to someone else, or eroded the public's trust like the person I mentioned in the first paragraph.

Most of all, take care of yourself. Good luck.
 
 
Char Aina
19:52 / 26.05.03
i concur with the last post.
seek legal advice, and dont go near them.


if you do nothing, that may also be seen as further proof of your guilt by some.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
20:51 / 26.05.03
Not really advice, in fact, just a perspective, which is that in some ways the word 'rape' is one of the most unhelpful words in current usage [...]

That's one of the most sensible things I've ever heard said on this subject.

Undecided, I don't think you can do any good 'reaching out' to your accusers - for you or for them. Seek legal advice - obviously, a formal complaint has been made against you, and innocence by itself isn't a reliable shield. You don't have to go nuclear and start sueing, but you should know your position, your vulnerabilities. You might want to require a retraction or something. The way you describe it, the whole thing sounds quite unsustainable - but I'm not a lawyer.
 
 
Lilly Nowhere Late
05:28 / 27.05.03
Gsus, where do you live? Texas?
Seriously, you should, IMhO, seek legal advice. It is so odd how
something which is a malicious rumour can achieve such veracity when
left to fester. Aren't there any solicitors on this board? I am not
sure what sort of lawyer you are after, but one is definitely in
order.
 
 
Undecided
03:31 / 28.05.03
Thanks, all, for the advice. I can't really afford legal assistance at the moment, but I'll find out whether there is any kind of student legal assistance I can get when school starts back up in the fall.

Part of what concerns me the most about this is just what lilly mentions. This rumor obviously has been making the rounds in the last two years when I haven't even been present in my old town. The fact that most of my family (including parents, grandparents, and two siblings) and a lot of old friends still live in said town makes it particularly upsetting. I don't want them to hear the rumors, of course, but I'm even more upset at the thought of them having to deal with any of the backlash that I've dealt with simply because they're related to or friendly with me. Seeing as how this entire mess is taking place two hours away from where I am now, I feel even more helpless than I'm sure I would otherwise.

At any rate, I'm doing much better at the moment. Thank you all for being so understanding and helpful. It means a great deal to me.
 
 
alas
02:03 / 29.05.03
Many universities in the US, but especially those with law schools attached, do have free legal services, of one sort or another, attached. they almost always have low-cost psychiatric services. I think both would be helpful. A psychologist, or MSW, will likely be up on the legal issues you're involved in, and may have some helpful advice for helping you think through some of the excellent questions that have already been posted about your goals in this matter, how to go about dealing with your family situation. Think of a counselor as a totally confidential adviser/strategist, in this situation, rather than as a help for the mentally ill.

I hate to bear bad news, and yet of course the amount of time passing and lack of solid evidence will help you--One key problem you may face, is that fact that in most U.S. states, when a woman is drunk or impaired by drugs, she cannot be viewed as consenting to sex, and yet of course, and rightly so, a male drunk is still legally responsible for his actions. So any sex--including oral sex performed on you seemingly with mutual consent--in such a situation is very dangerous legal territory. At some level this law makes no sense, but on other levels of course ("date rape" drugs, e.g.) it makes a whole lot of sense.

There's a lovely essay entitled "On Not Being A Victim" by Mary Gaitskill, from Harper's Magazine, about 1994, I think, in which the author describes three sexual experiences gone bad. In the first, she was young, strung out on acid, and hanging out with a relative stranger. She admits that she never said "no" and that there's no way the man could possibly have known that she didn't want to have sex, but she didn't want it. Yet, saying nothing, they fucked.

In the end, she realized that this "rape" was a rape that resulted from the fact that she'd never been trained to say what she wanted or didn't want, particularly sexually. I'd argue, in fact, more strongly, that women have been trained to not say anything AND to not be able to really take responsibility for our own sexual actions--positive or negative. So we get into messy situations that we can't fully articulate in the paucity of language available to us, and we end up having bad experiences that we then don't know what to do with, the anger at ourselves gets turned outward onto a man who may not have had any possible way of knowing that we were so unhappy, and that he played any role in that unhappiness.

That doesn't help solve your serious problem, but it perhaps may shed some light on how two people can experience the same event and see it in totally different lights. It may or may not apply, however, to your situation.

best of luck to you, Undecided.
 
  
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