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Underground > Film, TV & Theatre >

Improve a Movie in 5 Simple Steps

  
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
11:26 / 22.05.03
To get the ball rolling:

Five simple steps to improve the first Matrix film.

1. Make one of the film's many messages more clear by having that ginger-bearded guy tell Keaneo: "Staying up all night surfing the web in your filthy little bedroom is all well and good, but sometimes a boy needs to go out to industrial clubs and meet girls."

2. After the little bald kid in the toga gives the "there is no spoon" speech, have Keaneo punch him in the face. Hard.

3. Switch shouldn't die. In fact, Switch should turn out to be The One.

4. The White Rabbit tattoo girl should be a major character. Come on, she was Katerina in Heartbreak High!

5. Joey Pants should turn out *not* to be a treacherous slimebag. Who could possible see that one coming, eh?

Next...
 
 
Spatula Clarke
13:20 / 22.05.03
I can do better than five, Fly. One simple step for improving Spiderman (and possibly every future comics-based superhero film) would be shooting Danny Elfman.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
13:31 / 22.05.03
Disallowed. It has to be five, Randy, and no less, because otherwise people are just going to post one-liners like "Improve 8 Mile- don't cast Eminem!" and "Improve The Phantom Menace - don't make it in the first place!" and really, I'll just end up needing to kill lots of people. Again.
 
 
waxy dan
13:32 / 22.05.03
Daredevil:
Realise that a comic and a movie are not, in fact, identical media.

Strange Days:
Grow some balls, and end it with Angela Bassets' character being beaten to a pulpy (and quite quite dead) mass, and the crowd rioting.

...and all I can think of are sci-fi movies... I'm such a geek.
 
 
waxy dan
13:35 / 22.05.03
Has to be five? Arse.

Okay, Daredevil.

1) Edit the damned script
2) Keep Electra out altogether til part 2
3) Make Kingpin white to avoid the racist criticisms of the movie. Make Foggy and/or Bullseye black instead. (I'd be delighted to debate that one)
4) Pick one directing style and stick to it
5) Don't have him as a murderous vigilante at the start. It's too much for the audience to get over.
 
 
arcboi
14:02 / 22.05.03
THE MATRIX:
1. Digitally replace all guns with torches and whistles. Stupid ass Spielberg

2. Create role for vest-wearing Bruce Willis to make silly exploding building scenes more realistic. yippie-kai-yay bald motherfucker

3. Avoid offending anyone by equally dividing roles up between black actors, white actors, asian actors and blind disabled lesbian Bosnian refugee actors. Send them back home

4. Digitally shave off Cypher's ridiculous bum-fluff. hairy twat

5. Insert tasteful and sensitive nude Switch scene essential to plot. Intelligent good looking woman - and possibly really dirty
 
 
arcboi
14:05 / 22.05.03
THE PHANTOM MENACE:
1. Remember how they went back into A New Hope and edited in a digitally created Jabba? Same thing but in reverse. Fucking Jar Jar

2. Radically alter film by using advanced CGI technology to add plot to film. Slap Lucas - now

3. Edit in scenes of Obi Wan giving young Anakin 'five across the eyes'. Lots of them. I'll give you something to cry about..

4. Digitally alter all the alien characters so they have 2 heads because that would look so cool. Scary ass shit

5. Make sure even the most minor characters are given a background story and interesting names such as Glaxo Rowntree, Yurmum Blewme, Esme Domestos and Nestle Cuntox. Who gives a toss?
 
 
waxy dan
14:30 / 22.05.03
arcboi
3. Avoid offending anyone by equally dividing roles up between black actors, white actors...

Fair cop.
However, I think that's exactly what the studio was doing. I also think that, accepting the fact that the studio just had to put a black character in there for the sake of marketing and not for the actors skills (although I really like Michael Duncan), they could have gone for something a bit different that an excuse to include another gangster rap soundtrack.

Same way I think that not all female characters should be identified as someone's lover, sister, mother, etc. But should simply be characters in their own right. I dunno... like Ripley in the Alien series.

Outside of comedy, I have difficulty thinking of a male (just to limit the debate) black character that isn't someone's mentor, a 'wild kid' to be helped, or a crusader against social injustice. I would have liked a bad-ass assassin, or a bumbling lawyer, or no one at all. The First black superhero we see onscreen is probably going to be the Black Panther. Good hero. But again, I'd rather see a character who wasn't defined by their colour or gender.

...

Obi Wan giving young Anakin 'five across the eyes' and that would have rocked, you're right.


... and I shouldn't be having this going on in 'Film, TV and Theatre', I should head over to 'Conversation' or something.. sorry!




... And give the role of Neo to Woody Allen.
 
 
PatrickMM
14:34 / 22.05.03
The First black superhero we see onscreen is probably going to be the Black Panther. Good hero. But again, I'd rather see a character who wasn't defined by their colour or gender.

What about Blade, or Steel? Not good movies, but defenitely about superheroes who have more of a story than just being black.
 
 
Chubby P
14:39 / 22.05.03
ATTACK OF THE CLONES

1. Make Anakin a likeable heroic character as remembered in the first films, not an irritaing, know it all, little shit, who needs a good slapping.

2. Don't make Obi Wan a condescending arsehole!

3. Don't have Padme marry Anakin after he reveals to her that he is a deranged psychotic who happily murders women and children. If they have to get married, let her be ignorant of this fact.

4. More Yoda fight scenes.

5. Have Jango Fetts head fall out of the Helmet after Boba picks it up. It would've made me laugh.
 
 
waxy dan
14:54 / 22.05.03
Steel is based on http://www.ferrum.edu/applit/bibs/tales/JHenry.htm Though, I'd agree with you, I do like the character. But a writer did base his origin story on a famous black character. Not to say that Marvel’s Thor is racist against Scandanavians. But if damn near every white character from Marvel was based on a mythic being, or a folk hero, etc. etc. I’d start to wonder.

Blade? You're spot on. He rocks.
 
 
waxy dan
15:16 / 22.05.03
Sorry, I'll stop going off-topic. Moved it over here:
http://www.barbelith.com/underground/topic.php?id=12581#post229209
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
15:41 / 22.05.03
As has been discussed before, in the world of superheroes you can be blue if you want to be, but you'd better have a damn good reason if you want to be black...

And speaking of blue, here's the 5-point rule on X-Men 2:

S


P



O


I


L


E


R


S

1) Whenever Storm says "Oh my God", everyone around her should give a visible eye-roll and hiss "for fuck's sake, woman, grow another line". Audibly.

2)After Wolverine meets Stryker for the first time, he should imprint on him and spend the rest of the film walking around behind him, calling him "mama". Well all right, maybe not.

2 again) But, when Mystique transforms into Stryker and asks Wolverine what he really wants, Wolverine should kiss Stryker. Squarrrrr on the lips. See also when Jean says goodbye to Cyclops through Professor X.

3) At some point, when asked to teleport in a manner that is extremely dangerous, e.g. into the Cerebro chamber or to rescue Jean from the torrent, Nightcrawler should stop and say, "Dudes, what is this? An entrance exam? I don't even know you people...."

4) Much praise has been laid on Chris Claremont recently on Barbelith, and equally much joy has been expressed that the films are Claremonty. In order to continue this encouraging trend, the soundtrack should be remastered so that every utterance contains a phrase in the character's native language and a brief description of their powers. Thus, the lame and pointless:

Piotr: I can help you.
Wolverine: Help them!

Becomes the far more satisfying:

Piotr: Bozhe moy, tovarisch! I, with my ability to transform my body into nigh-invulnerable "organic steel", can help you.
Wolverine: Help them! My healin' factor and adamantium skeleton are all the help I need, bub.

Do you see?

All right, maybe not.

4 again) Just because he doesn't have access to his telepathy, Charles X is not a drooling moron. More conversations of this ilk:

"Find the mutants..."

"Righty-ho."

"Find all the mutants."

"Yes, yes, just give me a minute. This is harder than it looks, you know."

"Concentrate!"

"Right you are."

"Harder!"

"Oh, no. Wouldn't want to do that. That would almost certainly lead me to accidentally killing somebody. Maybe all of mutantkind."

"Harder. Find the mutants. I'm scared."

"*You're* scared? I've got tiny David Bowie trying to get me to wipe out all mutants. In fact, fuck this noise. I don't even recognise you. Are you at my school? The only person I knew at my school with eyes like that was.....hang on a second."

"Bollocks. Busted. Do you have a cigarette? I know they're bad for the lungs, but I can unplug them and give them a good shake."

5) And perhaps most of all, when Wolverine tells Cyclops that Jean G. made a choice, and that it was Cyclops, rather than doing the wobbly lip of torment, Scotty could perhaps have redeemed his character with something along the lines of:

Shit, no, really? You see, I kind of thought that that might have been made clear AT OUR WEDDING, but hearing it from you is so much more important to me than HAVING OUR LOVE CONSECRATED IN THE EYES OF GOD. I mean, you're a borderline psychopath who's been on a mission to get into her knickers every time you've spoken to her. Which is what? Five days in toto? In her entire life? Wow. With a deep knowledge of her like that, I am compelled once again to nominate you as far more to be listened to here than, say, JEAN HERSELF WITH HER DYING WORDS WHICH I DON'T RECALL BEING DIRECTED TO YOU, FUCKNUTS.

But thanks, man. Thanks for intimating that you and she had some kind of thing going on as a result of which she had to make a choice. Thanks for going the extra mile to reassure me that THE WOMAN I MARRIED, WHO DIED WITH HER LOVE FO RME IN HER HEART AND MY RING ON HER FINGER chose me, and most of all thanks for assuming that a few days after the WOMAN I LOVED has perished as a result of the actions of a man who would have been dead if you hadn't gone all "Are you my daddy?" at the mansion, that the most important thing in my head, and certainly the one thing that being reassured about would return the skies to blue and the sun to full-on shine, is WHETHER SHE TOOK YOUR VEINY BANGSTICK in the ONE EVENING THAT YOU TWO HAVE SPENT TOGETHER WITHOUT ME AROUND EVER.

Cheers, Logan. That took a lot for you to say, I can tell.
 
 
William Sack
15:56 / 22.05.03
FACE OFF

1. John Travolta plays the good cop, but instead of Nicholas Cage Samuel L Jackson plays the criminal.

2. Don't bother with body modifications, Travolta just has Jackson's face attached to his head and vice versa.

3. Travolta dances Jackson's black ass off the screen in dance-off.

4. Travolta-with-Jackson's-face delays escape to reap the rewards of prison-daddy status.

5. Travolta's daughter not defined by her gender but by her surliness and obesity.
 
 
diz
16:02 / 22.05.03
Phantom Menace:

1- Less CGI, more puppets and midgets in rubber masks.

2- please please please no sinister Asian businessmen, comical Jamaican sidekicks, or greedy Jewish junk merchants, for the love of God.

3- don't sugarcoat Anakin's slavery, and make him older, like say 13-14. a sort of driven, brooding hotshot Podracer pilot who's a surly young teenage slave is much better as a pre-Vader than the little twit we saw.

4- don't have Qui-Gon join Obi-Wan until they get back to Coruscant. have their initial conversation in the first scene happen over hologram, then let Obi-Wan do all the cool stuff on Naboo and Tatooine instead of being a sidekick.

5- don't make Jabba a comedy character
 
 
Old brown-eye is back
10:50 / 23.05.03
The Phantom Menace/Attack of the Clones/Return of the Wookie:

1) Planet of Yodas

2) Planet of Yodas

3) Planet of Yodas

4) Giving George Lucas a neck of some description

5) Planet of Yodas
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
14:20 / 23.05.03
Batman and Robin:

1: Replace Joel Shumacher with ANYONE from Hong Kong

2: Only allow one villian, or, better yet, get Paul Dini to do a rewrite.

3: Remove "Alfred is dying" subplot...replace by "Alfred doesn't want his daughter hanging around with obsessed psycho boss" subplot.

4: Teach George Clooney that there is more to acting than "Smile, head bob, head bob, smile, repeat".

5: Have anyone executive, screenwriter or other personel who wants to insert puns and jokes into script immedately shot in the leg.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
14:43 / 23.05.03
Five steps to improve Spiderman.

1)First, consider the possibility that Stan Lee is not the greatest writer of all time.

2)Kill the evil robot clone that claims to be Sam Raimi and rescue the real Sam from whatever basement he's been tied up in since 'A Simple Plan' wrapped.

3)Have Bruce Campbell play all the parts, using various wigs and prosthetics.

4)Have someone inform the production team that finding out Norman Osbourne is The Green Goblin is not a bloody twist.

5)Three words. Joss. Fucking. Whedon.
 
 
deja_vroom
15:34 / 23.05.03
X-Men 2

1- Stop trying to make me laugh, you clueless tits.
2- The movie should be divided like this: one quarter for "plot", character development, resolution blah blah fishcakes - three quarters for Wolverine slaughtering lots of people.
3- Make Magneto more serious.
4- Make people slap Prof X's bald head as a compliment:

SLAP!!
"Halloo, 'fessor, whassup?"
"Owiee! Stop that!"
SLAP!!
"Hey Chuck, what's up, bub??"
"Stop you too, Logan! Out of my office! Out! Now!
BAMF! SLAPSLAP!!BAMF!!
"Guten Morgen, Professorr!"

5- Bring on that diamond girl whose name I momentarily forgot. Toot, toot!
 
 
Panic
15:08 / 25.05.03
To improve every Keanu Reeves film, replace him with Alec Winter.

To improve every Tom Hanks film, replace him with Peter Scolari.

Simple really.
 
 
Panic
15:09 / 25.05.03
Got a John Travolta film needs improving? Simple! Replace him with a random Sweathog!

This is fun!

I have to think of two more, now...
 
 
Char Aina
20:16 / 25.05.03
the english patient

1/
set it in space, in our own far future after earth has been destroyed.

2/
incorporate badly-modelled spacefighter dogfight sequences into the plot

3/
introduce a maniacally simple and evil race of armoured aliens for the protagonists to fight with. call them something quite silly.

4/
get dirk benedict to play a major role.

5/
write a new support chracter, in the form of a robotic dagget.
 
 
Rev. Orr
20:52 / 25.05.03
Escape to Victory

1) Replace Michael Caine with George Peppard.

2) Replace Sylvester Stallone with Mister T.

3) In fact, replace all the major actors with the cast of the A-Team including Colonel Decker as Max Von Sydow.

4) Continue the film as before up to the decision at half-time not to follow the French Resistance to freedom through the players bath. Instead, cut to a montage of our heroic Nam Vets and assorted luminaries of the beautiful game attacking the dressing room, benches, showers and kit bags with an assortment of hammers, wrenches and jury-rigged oxy-acetalene torches.

5) The team emerge for the second half in a hastily constructed mega-vehicle-of-doom, lay waste to the Assembled German general staff and head off towards Berlin. Bring on the sequel!
 
  
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