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Mock Lobster

01:23 / 21.05.03

Does anyone know how to cook a mock lobster? I bought one as a centrepiece for tonight's dinner, but then realised I'm not sure what to do with it. Normally I'd fry mock meat, but that won't cook it through - so maybe boil it? But then will it lack flavour? And does anybody have a suggestion for making vegan seafood sauce to go with it?

Matthew Fluxington

01:34 / 21.05.03

Wow. So this really has nothing to do with the B-52s at all, huh?

Drat.

We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
It was a rock lobster

We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
It was a rock lobster

Motion in the ocean
His air hose broke
Lots of trouble
Lots of bubble
He was in a jam
S'in a giant clam

Down, down

Underneath the waves
Mermaids wavin'
Wavin' to mermen
Wavin' sea fans
Sea horses sailin'
Dolphins wailin'

Red snappers snappin'
Clam shells clappin'
Muscles flexin'
Flippers flippin'

Down, down

Let rock!

Boy's in bikinis
Girls in surfboards
Everybody's rockin'
Everybody's fruggin'
Twistin' 'round the fire
Havin' fun
Bakin' potatoes
Bakin' in the sun

Put on your noseguard
Put on the Lifeguard
Pass the tanning butter

Here comes a stingray
There goes a manta-ray
In walked a jelly fish
There goes a dog-fish
Chased by a cat-fish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhale
HERE COMES A BIKINI WHALE!

02:22 / 21.05.03

And that was the Third Covenent of the arisen Christ.

07:44 / 21.05.03

Answer: you deep fry it. Promoting hilarious scenes when, half an hour before dinner party, the hosts realise they don't have anything the right size to deep fry it in and then, when they somehow manage, realise they have no plate big enough to fry it on.

Also, Flux, please tell me you quoted that from memory.

No star here laces

08:34 / 21.05.03

What the hell is a mock lobster?

You whacky vegans...

08:51 / 21.05.03

I'm intrigued too - the recipes I can see on the net are either made from fish or from potato and seitan, but in pieces, not one big thing. Please tell us more, DPC. And was it good?

09:08 / 21.05.03

Wow-ee, this looks very groovy. Or scary, maybe.

09:12 / 21.05.03

As for the whole chicken ... I think not. It'll keep for two years, though.

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:56 / 21.05.03

That's only because you cannot kill what does not live...

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:36 / 21.05.03

I'm intrigued too. Seitan is that fried gluten stuff, isn't it? How d'you stop it tating utterly foul?

01:39 / 22.05.03

I agree with Ariadne, I'd buy the lobster just cause it looks funky in its packaging. The chicken looks like strange brown jelligoo... why did they mold it with a head???

03:48 / 22.05.03

It was delicious - ours was made of soy protein, gluten and vegetarian spices, whatever they are. It had a nice sea-foody flavour and was great with rice cooked with coriander and lemon. It pretty much looked like the picture.

And anyone who's never been to a good mock restaurant is really missing out - I don't just mean vegos. All of you.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

18:58 / 22.05.03

I've always been disappointed with my Seitan experiences in the past. I've only ever had it as the "mock duck" which comes in tins, except this one time at Comme-Bio when it came with a very garlicky sauce and was just fine. Maybe shedloads of garlic is the answer, as is so often the case?

05:55 / 23.05.03

Oooh, you went to Comme-Bio! I like Comme-Bio. Except that it sounds like Kumbaya as I type it.

I like gluten products occassionally, like the mock duck you talk about, but when I've tried seitan from the health food shop it's always tasted really grim no matter what flavouring's been added. Maybe I'll try again.

There's a chain of Asian mock-meat places appearing around London - I've seen one in Greek Street, one at Angel, and one off Tottenham Court Road. You get to pick from a buffet of very odd things indeed. Some of it good, some fairly revolting. But for a fiver and a fast feed, not too bad.